Early stage LDR anxiety...

[dramallama]

I've been seeing a guy for just about 3 months now (met 1st Sept after talking for 10 days or so) and he lives a 90 minute drive from me. He's a busy man, juggling an import/export business, working as a sound engineer for a national TV station, and works as a producer recording bands at the weekend. He's also got a daughter. Temperament-wise he's very laid back - from the Carribean, matches the stereotype I suppose.

 

 

 

With that schedule, I don't think me living close by would make much difference to how much we see each other! We've seen each other 7 times so far, with a 'maybe' planned for tonight because he's working a 3 hour drive away today so it depends when he gets finished.

 

 

He's a huge texter - he'll be in touch a few times a day, every single day - I do initiate if he leaves enough gap for me to do so but I also let him lead for the most part. It feels like things are progressing in a natural, healthy way - but I was married for 13 years and that moved really fast, so I don't have much to compare it to. I can feel him opening up more to me, he's included me in things - I've bumped into his cousin a couple of times, helped him run a business errand, I've dropped him off at church (he kept his faith close to his chest at first); and he says gorgeous things like 'only my [dramallama] has the magic I need' so he leaves me in no doubt that he's into me. I also know he deleted tinder back in early October and he did a big Instagram purge of snapchat-filtered ladies.

 

 

 

When we're together it's wonderful and I never feel the need to ask where things are going or what we are (and it's a bit soon still perhaps?) - we're too busy enjoying getting to know each other - however, I find I usually have to do the asking as to when he's got time to see me, and it makes me feel anxious, especially when it's been a couple of weeks.

 

 

 

It's totally irrational, I have no doubt he wants to see me (and he's asked about my Xmas plans a couple of times). I don't want to put pressure on him, he's got enough going on, but I do need to sooth my anxiety a bit. Any tips on how to broach it?

[d0nnivain]

Breathe. That is actually the key to most relaxation. Take several deep calming breaths.

 

In all aspects of your relationship he seems eager & reassuring except this one area: actually making plans. But when you bring it up, he's responsive & you get together. On balance that is all good. Stop classifying it as a problem. If you are really that upset by it, speak up. Tell him the things he's doing that you enjoy but ask him to plan more.

 

I will share with you that my husband is not a planner. At first that deficit was maddening to me because I am an expert planner. As I grew more & more annoyed one day he just sat me down & said I'm not a planner. Do what you are gonna do & I'll follow but please don't expect me to plan because I can't & when it's not up to your expectations you will be more upset. So now I give him specific tasks; he's in charge of stopping the mail when we travel; he has to plan something for our Anniversary & that is about it. Sometimes I'll throw him a curve & ask him to plan for my birthday but usually I just tell him what we're doing & that keeps everybody happy. I have learned over the years not to expect much more. He left all of the vouchers on the dining room table for our honeymoon. He forgot to arrange ground transportation when we landed in Hawaii a few years ago. (A bunch of my friends helped him plan other aspects of that trip for my birthday but I had to step in & deal with the flights & the excursions).

 

Stop comparing him to your EX-H. He's his own man. Judge him on his merits.

 

IMO a 90 drive is NOT long distance. It may be inconvenient. You can't really pop 'round without a lot of forethought but it doesn't take 4+ hours or plane ride so it's GUD (geographically undesirable) not LDR.

[dramallama]

Thank you. I know my anxiety is irrational, and believe me I'm not comparing him to my ex - I just meant that I've not got into a relationship with anyone for such a long time that it all feels new.

 

 

I think the fact that you found your husband's lack of planning maddening is reassuring too - you *can* get past it and make it work!

[preraph]

He doesn't need online dating when he's a band producer. Just sayin. He seems attentive enough, but rest assured he has easy access to women if he wants it. With any luck, he may be bitter toward women of band guys. A lot of the peripheral workers are, but it just makes some of them do worse things to them.

 

Let me ask you how his ethics are in other areas, because his overall ethics will be at least somewhat reflective of his ethics with women. For example, he does sound diligent about work. Does he ever lie to get out of something with his employers that you'd know of? Does he steal or has he ever stole or dealt drugs? Only one daughter, that's good.