I Never Meant to Hurt You

[UpandAway]

Good people of the internet,

 

 

Please help me make sense of this!

 

 

Me- 29. Him-31.

 

 

 

I met a guy about 2 months ago on a dating app. We seemed to really hit it off on our first few dates. He seemed really into me, but not in a creepy or "love bombing" way - just being very consistent with making plans with me, texting me throughout the day and doing little gestures to show he cared. I even met his best friend after dating him for only 4 weeks.

 

 

I've been through some awful experiences so I felt like my luck was finally starting to turn.

 

 

 

We got on great, emotionally and physically- we slept together kind of soon, I guess, but it wasn't on the first date or anything so I don't think he was using me for sex.

 

 

 

There were a couple of red flags, however, if I'm honest:

 

 

1. He brought up his 2 exes a lot. They both cheated on him, and he seemed to have a kind of negative view of women in general, when it came to trust issues. Although he said he did trust me. He told me he wasn't used to female attention as he never really had luck with women until he was in his twenties.

 

 

 

2. Very insecure- he would repeatedly state that he was ugly, weird, etc. I told him I thought he was gorgeous and I was very attracted to him but it never seemed to land.

 

 

3. Had a lot of childhood baggage. One parent left when he was a child, and he talked about it quite a bit, which was understandable.

 

 

Anyway, things were going well, so about five weeks in, which was maybe a bit early in retrospect, I asked him if he was seeing anybody else but only because I didn't plan on seeing other people while we were dating- I didn't mention labels, or anything like that.

 

 

He freaked out, immediately said he didn't want to label us, etc and then said that he "didn't see us together forever". I was so taken aback and hurt by what I felt was an over-reaction to my question.

 

 

 

He then started saying he pushes people away when he gets close to them even if he likes them, he was "cold-blooded" and "cold-hearted" and said "You can't trust anybody one hundred percent, even family."

 

 

Then, he completely switched, saying "I really want to keep dating you and I don't want to hurt you. Please don't think I'm not fully into this."

 

 

So I left it. I did notice him becoming slightly more distant towards me, but I put it down to him being spooked that we had the talk too soon. I did try to bring up the "didn't see us together forever" thing a week later and he said he didn't even remember saying it.

 

 

Fast forward two or three weeks, and he's really starting to fade. After two days of not hearing from him, I just texted him asking where I stood with him-

 

 

"I don't see us working out long-term... we can still be friends... I never meant to hurt you."

 

 

When we met up to end things in person, he said he just didn't feel emotionally attracted to me, though he did still feel physical attraction.

 

 

 

He said he realised that he didn't care about my feelings or my opinions or if I was happy or not, which obviously sucked to hear, and he could imagine us going out for a year and then breaking up over a stupid argument so we might as well end things now.

 

 

 

I asked him was he pushing me away even though he wanted me, and he was insistent that he just didn't feel enough emotional attraction to me. He said he wished he could feel more chemistry but he just didn't.

 

 

 

He started crying and got very emotional, which I felt was strange because he had been almost robotic when talking about feelings before. Even though I was hurt, I ended up comforting him. He said he was happy that we could at least say goodbye in person.

 

 

I'm very hurt and confused by all of this. I thought he did feel an emotional connection to me, it certainly felt like that initially. My friends think his reasons for ending it were BS and he'll be back looking for a second chance, but I don't think he will be.

 

 

I just don't know what to make of all this. I've only known him a short time but the relationship was very intense and I'm a bit heart-broken even though we weren't official.

 

 

Has anyone been through something similar? When does the pain stop?

 

 

 

I've been doing NC as I respect his decision, of course, but I do miss him.

 

 

 

Would especially love some guys' views on this!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Anyway, things were going well, so about five weeks in, which was maybe a bit early in retrospect, I asked him if he was seeing anybody else but only because I didn't plan on seeing other people while we were dating- I didn't mention labels, or anything like that...

 

He freaked out, immediately said he didn't want to label us, etc and then said that he "didn't see us together forever". I was so taken aback and hurt by what I felt was an over-reaction to my question...

 

So I left it. I did notice him becoming slightly more distant towards me, but I put it down to him being spooked that we had the talk too soon. I did try to bring up the "didn't see us together forever" thing a week later and he said he didn't even remember saying it.

 

Fast forward two or three weeks, and he's really starting to fade. After two days of not hearing from him, I just texted him asking where I stood with him-

 

If only for the red flags you listed, it seems to me you're fortunate to be out of this relationship. This guy has a lot of healing and growing to do before he's ready for any relationship, IMO.

 

However, I believe there are several mentions of you initiating conversations about the status of your R with him above that may have frightened him into being more distant with you. I'm not blaming you for initiating the convos at all, just going to try to explain what I believe about it.

 

Although a lot of people think it's fine to ask a guy about R status, I always assume we're not exclusive until he makes it clear we are. I believe having "the talk" is scary to many men (and possibly women, too) whereas just waiting for it (becoming an exclusive couple) to happen organically feels comfortable for all.

 

Others may take exception with that. However, I've been in a few serious relationships that were exclusive and have never needed to have "the talk."

 

Bottom line, though, I believe this R was not sustainable because of his issues whether or not you had the talks, so don't blame yourself. However, it might be something to think about for future R.

[elaine567]

he "didn't see us together forever"

 

Is the crux of the matter.

To him this was "casual", it was a "filler" relationship probably designed to help him get over his cheating exes.

 

He didn't mean to hurt you as I guess he kind of assumed you were on the same page, hence his "horror" at you bringing up "the talk".

Once he realised he couldn't lead you on further he decided to go distant in the hope YOU would pull the plug.

A bit of a coward really.

 

Not everyone wants to date and sleep with someone who is dating and sleeping with others, so 5 weeks is not too soon to establish exclusivity and initiate testing. It is your fertility and health that is at stake here so it is up to you to protect yourself.

[basil67]

I think you've just dodged a bullet - the guy sounds like a train wreck. There are so many red flags in his behaviour that I don't know where to start.

 

Regarding discussions about seeing others, there's nothing wrong with wanting to know how the other feels about it. And frankly, if a guy scares off easily at this discussion, then he's not relationship material anyway.

 

You say you've had some bad luck lately and with this guy, you'd hoped things were changing. I've got to say, if this guy was better than the others, I'd hate to see what they were like! I say this with all kindness - you really need to tighten your filters a bit.

[d0nnivain]

He never wanted a relationship. Once you started asking if he was seeing others he freaked out. His was an extreme overreaction & it did hurt you but he knew enough to know that he could not keep seeing you under false pretenses allowing you think that this was more serious for him then it actually was. He was actually doing the kindest thing he could by breaking things off rather than stringing you along more. You would have gotten more attached & then he would have hurt you.

[rjc149]

He brought up his 2 exes a lot.

 

Very insecure- he would repeatedly state that he was ugly, weird, etc.

 

He started crying and got very emotional

 

OP, do you find these traits to be attractive in a man? He is weak and insecure with a low opinion of himself and a quiet resentment for women, and when the going gets tough, he cries like a little schoolgirl and runs away?

 

He freaked out, immediately said he didn't want to label us, etc and then said that he "didn't see us together forever". I was so taken aback and hurt by what I felt was an over-reaction to my question.

 

Then, he completely switched, saying "I really want to keep dating you and I don't want to hurt you. Please don't think I'm not fully into this."

 

I did try to bring up the "didn't see us together forever" thing a week later and he said he didn't even remember saying it.

 

Emotionally manipulative gas-lighting, until he...

 

He said he realised that he didn't care about my feelings or my opinions or if I was happy or not

 

he said he just didn't feel emotionally attracted to me, though he did still feel physical attraction.

 

...straight-up told you he was just using you for sex.

 

he could imagine us going out for a year and then breaking up over a stupid argument so we might as well end things now.

 

Who says sh-t like this? What a chode.

 

I wouldn't cry too hard over this one OP. Bullet dodged. Good riddance.

Edited November 29, 2019 by rjc149

[spiderowl]

He said he was cold blooded and cold hearted and then says please don't think he is not fully into this? The guy sounds like he has more than one personality. There is such a disorder and it sounds like this guy could be a candidate. He sounds like two different people.

 

All in all, I think you are better off out of it, though I know it hurts at the moment. Not understanding what happened often hurts more. I don't think you will get an explanation for his behaviour except that he is a walking disaster as far as I can see.

 

If you had got sucked into a long-term relationship with him, I feel sure it would have been a roller coaster of semi-commitment then extreme rejection as he swung from one mood to another. You are better of out of this.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hard to label him a con man or a player when he was so brutally honest about both himself and his bleak view of the relationship. Which brings OP, the arrow around to point to you.

 

Trying to understand why you ramp up your feelings and expectations as he actively shot them down? Red flags are one thing, outright declarations of disinterest quite another.

 

Live and learn...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spiritedaway2003]

He said he realised that he didn't care about my feelings or my opinions or if I was happy or not

 

That's very harsh, but you can't say he's not upfront. I'm sorry you're hurting (and of course hearing something like that hurts), but imagine if you had invested way more time into this relationship. Count your lucky stars, you dodged a bullet here.

[North by Southeast]

While I understand you wanting a dude's perspective (I'm a 32 y/o guy), this isn't a guy/girl thing. This is a rebounder/reboundee thing.

 

I had something VERY similar happen to me earlier this year. The ages were even the same, I was 31 and she was 29 at the time.

 

I made a thread about my situation on this forum which I'll link below but it was a similar situation. Things started off great, lots of chemistry, lots of sex. One difference is I asked her to be my girlfriend and she accepted, but the result was the same - it lasted a month before she decided that due to her unresolved issues with her last ex plus some mental health problems, she couldn't be in a relationship.

 

She got right back on online dating, I guess to find something casual - as far as I know she is still single.

 

Rebounders will often hook their unresolved emotions from a bad breakup onto a new person, but it usually doesn't last. It usually has little or nothing to do with you personally.

 

Five weeks in is NOT early to ask about exclusivity. Don't beat yourself up over that.

 

He's an avoidant and the fact he gave you this back and forth with his emotions is on him, not you. It's something I learned in the weeks and months following my own breakup.

 

I know you're hurt and confused. I still am as well, but slowly the fog lifts. Do what you're doing now - talk to people, do what you need to draw your own conclusions, and please don't let this affect your worth as a person. Some people just don't know what they want or what they can handle, and them being reckless with your emotions says much more about them than it does about you, your attractiveness, or your worth.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/690689-i-32-m-used-rebound-my-now-ex-30-f-but-i-can-t-stop-blaming-myself

[UpandAway]

Thank you so much for your feedback, I'm just going to clarify some things that I perhaps should mentioned in my first post.

 

 

Just to mention, I'm aware that some of the things he said seemed of kind of brutal but English is his second language, so to add some extra fun to all the red flags and emotional baggage going on, we were also trying to deal with a language barrier.

 

 

 

If only for the red flags you listed, it seems to me you're fortunate to be out of this relationship. This guy has a lot of healing and growing to do before he's ready for any relationship, IMO.

 

Bottom line, though, I believe this R was not sustainable because of his issues whether or not you had the talks, so don't blame yourself. However, it might be something to think about for future R.

 

 

 

This certainly something I will consider for the next relationship. I don't think I was wrong for asking if he was seeing others, but in retrospect, I didn't ask in the right way. I mentioned wanting to delete the dating app that we had met on, and tbh, even a guy without his issues probably would feel it was too fast.

 

 

 

 

Is the crux of the matter.

To him this was "casual", it was a "filler" relationship probably designed to help him get over his cheating exes.

 

He didn't mean to hurt you as I guess he kind of assumed you were on the same page, hence his "horror" at you bringing up "the talk".

Once he realised he couldn't lead you on further he decided to go distant in the hope YOU would pull the plug.

A bit of a coward really.

 

 

This is the part I'm confused by- the early weeks did not feel casual, at all, and that was coming from him. If anything, I was the wary, standoffish one because I was terrified of getting hurt.

 

 

He made it seem like he really liked me, told me he'd been thinking about me all week when we did meet up, he did sweet things like buying my favorite coffee to keep at his place when I came over. When I met his friends, he was adamant that they loved me and he texted me the next day to tell me because he knew I'd been worried about it.

 

 

Our dates were not "Netflix and chill" or anything, we went on proper dates and he was putting in lots of effort to make me happy.

 

 

Which is why him turning around and saying he didn't care of my thoughts or opinions or feelings after all of that, felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

 

 

I think you've just dodged a bullet - the guy sounds like a train wreck. There are so many red flags in his behaviour that I don't know where to start....

 

 

You say you've had some bad luck lately and with this guy, you'd hoped things were changing. I've got to say, if this guy was better than the others, I'd hate to see what they were like! I say this with all kindness - you really need to tighten your filters a bit.

 

 

I've had some truly terrible experiences but maybe this is why. I need to stop ignoring red flags and pushing down my emotions.

 

 

A part of me wonders if I'd walked away from him first, if I'd been really honest with how uncomfortable I felt, would it have made a difference?

 

 

He never wanted a relationship. Once you started asking if he was seeing others he freaked out. His was an extreme overreaction & it did hurt you but he knew enough to know that he could not keep seeing you under false pretenses allowing you think that this was more serious for him then it actually was.

 

 

 

Emotionally manipulative gas-lighting, until he...straight-up told you he was just using you for sex.

 

 

 

Hard to label him a con man or a player when he was so brutally honest about both himself and his bleak view of the relationship. Which brings OP, the arrow around to point to you.

 

Trying to understand why you ramp up your feelings and expectations as he actively shot them down? Red flags are one thing, outright declarations of disinterest quite another.

 

 

Oh, I definitely don't think he was a player or using me for sex straight off the bat. At least not intentionally I guess.

 

 

I think I should give more clarity around what happened when I brought up exclusivity: He said "I like you but I don't see us together forever or anything." I obviously was like, "Wtf do you mean?" and he said, "Nothing lasts forever."

 

 

 

And then went on about about being cold-hearted, pushing people away, etc.

 

 

BUT the reason I didn't just walk away then was because he seemed to completely flip to saying "I want to keep dating you, etc." He even said, "I don't think we will be unlabelled for very long, I think if we keep seeing each other over the next few weeks, we'll be official."

 

 

That's why although I was hurt, I didn't just walk away. I put it down to his trust issues and wanted to give it a shot because I liked him.

 

 

 

 

If you had got sucked into a long-term relationship with him, I feel sure it would have been a roller coaster of semi-commitment then extreme rejection as he swung from one mood to another. You are better of out of this.

 

 

Yes, I can see that it probably is better that things ended now, as crap as it is.

 

 

It's interesting we had the final chat on Sunday, and although I've been sad this whole week, it also feels like a weight's been lifted.

 

 

I'm sure there's something in that.

 

 

 

 

That's very harsh, but you can't say he's not upfront. I'm sorry you're hurting (and of course hearing something like that hurts), but imagine if you had invested way more time into this relationship. Count your lucky stars, you dodged a bullet here.

 

 

It hurt so much to hear him say that, but I suppose it must be how he really feels.

 

 

I'm just boggled as to how his feelings about me seemed to change, I mean, to go from being sooo into me to saying he didn't care if I was happy or not... it sucks. Like, he basically said, "You're really nice and beautiful, but I don't feel enough for you."

 

 

 

I suppose deep down I was hoping people might say that he pushed me away because he was scared and not just because he didn't feel enough for me, because that would hurt less.

 

 

 

 

He's an avoidant and the fact he gave you this back and forth with his emotions is on him, not you. It's something I learned in the weeks and months following my own breakup.

 

I know you're hurt and confused. I still am as well, but slowly the fog lifts. Do what you're doing now - talk to people, do what you need to draw your own conclusions, and please don't let this affect your worth as a person. Some people just don't know what they want or what they can handle, and them being reckless with your emotions says much more about them than it does about you, your attractiveness, or your worth.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/690689-i-32-m-used-rebound-my-now-ex-30-f-but-i-can-t-stop-blaming-myself

 

 

Thank you for linking your thread and I'm sorry you had to go through something similar. It's truly horrible. I relate to a lot of what you went through; the fact the relationship only last a short time doesn't make it hurt any less. Actually I broke up with my ex of 7 years and this hurts almost as much. I'm not sure why. I think it's the idolisation of the other and wondering how good it would have been if the relationship had got off the ground.

 

 

I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

 

 

My situation did feel a bit re-bound-y however he had been single for two years when we met. That's why him talking so much about his ex really surprised me. He talked about the first one more, and they've been broken up for at least 4 years...

 

 

I guess he clearly isn't over it though or he wouldn't be talking about it on dates with me.

 

 

My friends seem to think that he will back but I have serious doubts. In any case, it has kind of affected my self-worth, like he told me I tick all these boxes and it just isn't enough for him...

 

 

I'm just going to try and focus on myself and family/friends for awhile and forget about dating.

 

 

Thank you all again so much for your feedback.

[Mr. Lucky]

My friends seem to think that he will back but I have serious doubts.

 

If he did contact you, can’t think of too many reasons to talk to or see him again...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rjc149]

I'm just boggled as to how his feelings about me seemed to change, I mean, to go from being sooo into me to saying he didn't care if I was happy or not... it sucks. Like, he basically said, "You're really nice and beautiful, but I don't feel enough for you."

 

I suppose deep down I was hoping people might say that he pushed me away because he was scared and not just because he didn't feel enough for me, because that would hurt less.

 

Beware of men who love bomb. It rarely comes from a place of emotional stability. Stable and confident men don't love bomb.

 

Beware of men who flip-flop on their emotions like this. It shows they are fickle, unsure, and lack emotional strength. Had your relationship progressed, you would have lost attraction for him rather quickly. But you were high on honeymoon chemicals from his love bombing, and that's why this hurts.

 

And it's quite possible he got scared and pushed you away once you started bringing up relationship talk. Others may disagree, but establishing exclusivity 5 weeks in is pretty soon.

[Highndry]

When I read things like this as a guy my first reaction is: There really are guys like this? This dude is a head case. He's oversharing, overly emotional, unstable - you name it. Dripping with masculinity this guy is not. I can't believe women are attracted to guys like this.

[stillafool]

Hard to label him a con man or a player when he was so brutally honest about both himself and his bleak view of the relationship. Which brings OP, the arrow around to point to you.

 

Trying to understand why you ramp up your feelings and expectations as he actively shot them down? Red flags are one thing, outright declarations of disinterest quite another.

 

Live and learn...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree with this. Plus this guy was very clear about how he felt. I didn't see a reason to even meet him in person for closure and to make him say it again. He probably does think you're attractive and fun but he didn't develop an emotional connection with you. It happens. Unfortunately mutual chemistry is hard to come by.

[UpandAway]

If he did contact you, can’t think of too many reasons to talk to or see him again...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I don't think I would respond, even if he did contact me. I'm already hurt by the back-and-forth that went on between us, so it's probably best that it ended now.

 

 

Beware of men who love bomb. It rarely comes from a place of emotional stability. Stable and confident men don't love bomb.

 

Beware of men who flip-flop on their emotions like this. It shows they are fickle, unsure, and lack emotional strength. Had your relationship progressed, you would have lost attraction for him rather quickly. But you were high on honeymoon chemicals from his love bombing, and that's why this hurts.

 

 

 

Yes, he was very flip-floppy with his emotions, sometimes in the space of a conversation.

 

 

 

I'm just reeling a little bit at the moment and hopefully it is just the "honeymoon" or "infatuation" feeling.

 

 

 

I just want to feel normal again.

 

 

I'm also unsure of what his motives were really- he said he doesn't do hook-ups so he wants a relationship, yet he knows he pushes people away when they get close even if he likes them.

 

 

I mean, the best case scenario for him is what happened with us- he had some fun with an attractive girl but caused me pain, which he obviously felt guilty over... I just don't know why he would bother looking for a relationship in the first place, if he knows it's going to turn out like this.

 

 

When I read things like this as a guy my first reaction is: There really are guys like this? This dude is a head case. He's oversharing, overly emotional, unstable - you name it. Dripping with masculinity this guy is not. I can't believe women are attracted to guys like this.

 

 

It's not so much that I was attracted to his negative qualities, it was that I liked his other qualities so much I was willing to over-look red flags.

 

 

He probably does think you're attractive and fun but he didn't develop an emotional connection with you. It happens. Unfortunately mutual chemistry is hard to come by.

 

 

Fair enough, but it still sucks to have someone who treated you like a girlfriend turn around and say "I don't care about your feelings."

 

 

I mean, I thought he did have an emotional connection with me, and that's why he was treating me so well at first. Plus, he did say he thought we would be official soon.

 

 

It's a bit of a slap in the face, to say the least.

 

 

Thanks all for your replies.

[North by Southeast]

Thank you for linking your thread and I'm sorry you had to go through something similar. It's truly horrible. I relate to a lot of what you went through; the fact the relationship only last a short time doesn't make it hurt any less. Actually I broke up with my ex of 7 years and this hurts almost as much. I'm not sure why. I think it's the idolisation of the other and wondering how good it would have been if the relationship had got off the ground.

 

 

I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

 

 

My situation did feel a bit re-bound-y however he had been single for two years when we met. That's why him talking so much about his ex really surprised me. He talked about the first one more, and they've been broken up for at least 4 years...

 

 

I guess he clearly isn't over it though or he wouldn't be talking about it on dates with me.

 

 

My friends seem to think that he will back but I have serious doubts. In any case, it has kind of affected my self-worth, like he told me I tick all these boxes and it just isn't enough for him...

 

Thanks so much. Funnily enough I spoke to her today for the first time in nearly two months, and she said while she was insulted by some things I said after the breakup (which IMO wasn't even anything that bad but I do get where she's coming from), she also said that she was going through an excruciating time when we met and she is grateful for the time we had together and my support, and that it wasn't my fault, I hadn't done anything to drive her away, nor could I have changed the outcome. That was good of her.

 

One thing to remember is that some people can get stuck on their exes for a REALLY long time, and the fact two years had passed doesn't completely foreclose the possibility of a rebound. I think the longest I ever took to really get over someone was around nine months, so I can see someone being stuck for longer depending on the circumstances. Even after those nine months, there were times I found myself missing her a bit, although it didn't really affect my subsequent relationships negatively.

 

I see another poster disagreed with me on exclusivity after five weeks. In any case, I don't think that's too soon to at least respectfully ask, and accept if the answer is "it's too soon, let's wait longer." And it definitely shouldn't automatically send anyone running for the hills. So don't blame yourself.

 

I know what you mean about self-worth. Although my ex made it very clear I shouldn't be blaming myself, she did say she felt it might not be a good fit for a long term relationship. That one hurt. I thought I was a lot of what she wanted. But I accepted her decision. Sometimes there's something intangible there that doesn't feel right.

[Yusei]

I don't think he was mentally stable at the time (probably still isn't), I felt as that you opened up the topic of 'us' a little to early, but you should be glad that you did. You exposed him outside of his comfort zone which triggered a reaction and that reaction is enough for you to look in another direction.

 

Now, people with mental health disorders are hard to work with. Not in a bad way, but they're like medication, they help you but come with side effects. I am sure this guy is sweet and caring, but in the long problems may possibly arise and you need to ask yourself if you're ready to deal with this for future reference.

 

I'd say NC is your best-friend.

 

and by the way, he will contact you at one point, don't answer.

 

Good luck OP.

[rjc149]

OP do you want insecure men to flip-flop on their feelings, can't be assertive and decisive, get emotional and teary, say one thing and do another, and manipulate others for validation with constant push-pull? He sounds quite a bit like a woman with symptoms of BPD.

 

You're in pain from the rejection, and the sudden withdrawal from the honeymoon high. Not because of your unrequited love, not because he was the one who got away. Soon, you'll come to see you would have fallen out of love with this guy pretty quickly anyways. You would have gotten fed up with his emotional BS and his inability to be the man in the relationship. It just stings your ego because things ended on his terms before they ended on yours.

[Redhead14]

"I really want to keep dating you and I don't want to hurt you . . .

 

Translation: "I am content with having regular sex and some companionship with you for now but don't get too attached because when something better comes along or if I get the sense that you are getting attached, you will get hurt. So, as much as I should probably dump you now, I'll use what I'm getting until then."

 

 

"I never mean't to hurt you" - Translation: "It's your problem if you did"

Edited December 2, 2019 by Redhead14

[UpandAway]

Thanks so much. Funnily enough I spoke to her today for the first time in nearly two months, and she said while she was insulted by some things I said after the breakup (which IMO wasn't even anything that bad but I do get where she's coming from), she also said that she was going through an excruciating time when we met and she is grateful for the time we had together and my support, and that it wasn't my fault, I hadn't done anything to drive her away, nor could I have changed the outcome. That was good of her.

 

 

I know what you mean about self-worth. Although my ex made it very clear I shouldn't be blaming myself, she did say she felt it might not be a good fit for a long term relationship. That one hurt. I thought I was a lot of what she wanted. But I accepted her decision. Sometimes there's something intangible there that doesn't feel right.

 

 

I hope what your ex said might make you feel a bit better. It sounds like it really wasn't a personal thing with you and her.

We seem to be in a very similar situation and it just sucks. I'm hoping time will make it easier.

 

 

 

 

 

I'd say NC is your best-friend.

 

and by the way, he will contact you at one point, don't answer.

 

Good luck OP.

 

 

Thanks.

 

 

I actually broke NC last night because I'm idiot.

 

 

I got drunk and texted him, accused him of using me, he said he didn't use me. I apologised and we left it at that.

 

 

I feel even worse now and I'm not sure what I expected to get out of it. If anything, it just re-enforced that he doesn't care about me at all and I need to let it go.

 

 

It's strange, I've been broken up with my last ex for nearly three years now and we went out for seven years and I didn't break NC once but did with this guy.

 

 

OP do you want insecure men to flip-flop on their feelings, can't be assertive and decisive, get emotional and teary, say one thing and do another, and manipulate others for validation with constant push-pull? He sounds quite a bit like a woman with symptoms of BPD.

 

You're in pain from the rejection, and the sudden withdrawal from the honeymoon high. Not because of your unrequited love, not because he was the one who got away. Soon, you'll come to see you would have fallen out of love with this guy pretty quickly anyways. You would have gotten fed up with his emotional BS and his inability to be the man in the relationship. It just stings your ego because things ended on his terms before they ended on yours.

 

 

All of this feels very true and tbh, I don't want an insecure man. I think I just want him to take back the rejection, mostly.

 

 

Translation: "I am content with having regular sex and some companionship with you for now but don't get too attached because when something better comes along or if I get the sense that you are getting attached, you will get hurt. So, as much as I should probably dump you now, I'll use what I'm getting until then."

 

 

"I never mean't to hurt you" - Translation: "It's your problem if you did"

 

 

You see, this is exactly what annoys me about "I don't want to hurt you" and "I never meant to hurt you". It's BS and him trying to absolve himself of responsibility. This is what I meant when I told him I felt used. He just denied it though.

 

 

Anyway, for anybody reading this and contemplating breaking NC with their ex, for the love of all that's holy, don't do it. I feel twice as crap as I did before and now I look clingy and crazy on top of it.

Edited December 4, 2019 by UpandAway
spelling and clarity