Want to make more friends but I've forgotten how

[thecrucible]

So I've been in a new city now 500 miles from home for a year. I broke up with my on/off bf/miserable relationship a few months ago. I've so far made a few friends through work and getting to know them slowly.

 

I want to meet more people and build friendships but I've forgotten how. I also get a bit scared to initiate with people due to fear of rejection so I'm trying to get over this fear. Forcing myself to go to various events as well...but I realise my self-esteem is rubbish because of my past relationship. I'm also feeling that my friendships with people from home are going to fade despite my attempts to keep them together, due to me moving away.

 

Does anyone have any helpful advice for making new friends and pushing outside your comfort zone? Only idea so far is to take up an assertiveness course and keep pushing myself to do things until I'm back to my old self.

 

Also I just turned 30. I'm now not in a relationship and while I love my job, I'm not where I want to be in life. Ahh

[OpenBook]

What do you like to do? Pursue that. You will meet like-minded people along the way, naturally.

[alphamale]

Also I just turned 30. I'm now not in a relationship and while I love my job, I'm not where I want to be in life. Ahh

 

i'm assuming you want to be married with children by now? so a new bf is the first thing at hand?

 

join a meetup group or a social group for young adults. keep on going back and be persistent. you'll naturally meet new friends and potential boyfriends. look your best and remember that others are just a nervous as you are.

 

the key is to keep going back over a long period of time

[preraph]

^ Exactly. The older you get, the harder it is to make new friends, but not impossible. Do your activities you enjoy and along the way smile and if you're in the proximity of someone, be friendly and don't be afraid to comment on the surroundings or activity and strike up a conversation. It's kind of hard to close those type deals, but if you keep going, you may run into the same people again.

 

Other ideas, volunteer at church or any charity or rescue and participate.

[d0nnivain]

Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about: care for animals; raise money for the arts or to fight disease; fight fires; clean up a park. What you do doesn't matter as long as you care about it & want to meet like minded people.

 

Depending on where you went to school go to alumni events where you are now.

[thecrucible]

i'm assuming you want to be married with children by now? so a new bf is the first thing at hand?

 

join a meetup group or a social group for young adults. keep on going back and be persistent. you'll naturally meet new friends and potential boyfriends. look your best and remember that others are just a nervous as you are.

 

the key is to keep going back over a long period of time

 

Thank you alphamale!

 

Yeah my ex basically messed me about which is crap My flatmate is using dating apps but I'm trying to avoid doing that for as long as possible.

 

I would like to meet a good bf soon but I also want to make sure that I'm in the right place mentally so I'm thinking that putting myself out there and having "friend dates" would be good for me. Hopefully I can meet good people along the way.

 

I moved to get a step up on the career ladder (my profession is curatorship which is hugely competitive but not well paid).

[thecrucible]

@Donnivain - Thank you! I'm thinking I'll do some more of that if I get time. I already volunteer once a week with a charity - the same charity I've been volunteering with since I was 15. It's been good to meet other women though no friends from there yet who I see outside of the volunteering. Transitioning from acquaintance to friend is something I find tricky and need practice with.

 

@preraph - I guess I have to be patient and keep going! I feel so exhausted sometimes because I'm pushing myself beyond what I normally do as an introvert. I met up with another lady today though and it was fun. Another one I've lost touch with. I guess it's so much like dating in that sense - some things just don't click.

 

I am really feeling it as I only just turned 30. I spent some of the day crying as I got a card from my ex but managed to see people in the evening which was good.

 

@OpenBook - good plan. I'm in such a big city it's like "where do I start?". I'm currently sitting up late googling stuff.

[preraph]

Yes you can get rejected just like in dating. If you have kids, you can meet other moms trading play dates and stuff, but if you don't have kids I would say don't invest a bunch of time trying to make friends with moms because they're too busy.

 

And whatever you do when you're just getting to know someone the goal is to be fun and entertaining, so don't be telling them how sad you are about your ex and unloading on them. They don't know you well enough to care yet. Just remember people like friends who are fun and they always like it if you show curiosity about them and let them talk and show interest in that way.

[thecrucible]

Oh yeah I definitely avoid that! Have got past the offloading stage and I'm self-aware enough to stop myself if I feel tempted. In fact, I'm more likely to do the opposite. I find it hard to be vulnerable as I don't know when is the right time etc so I err on the side of caution and keep things light.

 

I don't have any children but that's a good point about mums. I can't expect too much.

 

I worry about being fun. I'd describe myself as quiet and cerebral but I'm also friendly and caring. It takes me a while to get out of my shell but I will initiate conversation and approach people. I am a bit out of practice though.

[preraph]

Well, it should come naturally enough to you to ask them questions about themselves and get them talking so you don't have to, and if they say something funny, laugh. Maybe something they say will remind you of something humorous if you're lucky. You can always ask about what tv shows they like and get that conversation started. If it's a sitcom, remember something funny that happened on it or whatever. It's not rocket science. Everyone watches TV.

[thecrucible]

Unfortunately I don't watch a lot of television and I haven't seen a lot of films so sometimes popular culture references get lost on me. Short of spending all day watching telly, it's hard to catch up with what I've missed.

 

I'd say I'm all right with conversation. I initiate, I have ideas to share. What I find difficult is that I ask people questions about themselves and I don't always get the same thing back so I can feel lost in the conversation. I've tried opening up a bit more about myself to see if it'll help. I also fear rejection but I've been initiating more and suggesting outings to people so I'll see what happens.

 

I was in a WhatsApp group with a few people but I left as my social anxiety meant I found it overwhelming. The SA isn't debilitating though - I attend every social event at work and as I say I initiate socially and go places regularly by myself....it's just difficult getting close to people even though it's what I really want. I'm trying to be more vulnerable and just take more risks. This is my goal

[preraph]

About the TV, just remember that the more mainstream you are, in addition to whatever else you are, the wider a field of potential friends and partners you will have. I used to say I didn't watch much tv in my 20s because I didn't watch a lot of the favorites, but I did watch some tv, just not necessarily what everyone else was watching during prime time since I was working or out seeing bands. I watched a lot of Leave it to Beaver and old movies.

 

I truly advise you start recording a few shows so you at least know what they're about so you can carry a conversation about normal everyday things. Of course, if you ask what their favorite shows are and they start saying lots of old favorites like Friends or whatever that aren't on now, make a point to say you'll have to watch it and then make an effort to do so.

 

If you're better at movies, ask about movies, or music, whatever, books. But TV and movies are a sure bet.

[alphamale]

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Edited December 1, 2019 by alphamale
off topic...

[d0nnivain]

I would like to meet a good bf soon but I also want to make sure that I'm in the right place mentally so I'm thinking that putting myself out there and having "friend dates" would be good for me. Hopefully I can meet good people along the way.

 

Do NOT do this. You will be sending mixed messages & basically using some poor guy. Date when you are ready to date. Don't have these fake dates.

 

Another option since you are a curator is to go to business networking events ostensibly to drum up business for your gallery / collection / museum but you can meet new people there.

[thecrucible]

@d0nnivain - Thank you. To clarify, I didn't mean dating men with the intention of only being friends. I meant arranging blind meetups with other women with shared interests to establish some friendships. I've made some progress with that so far but it's hard. I'll really keep trying. There's some informal professional events and also an alumni careers event so I've decided to try and get a ticket to that and see how it goes.  

 

@preraph - Definitely onto the movies and tv shows more. And I've started watching a TV show one of my new potential friends recommended. 

 

I appreciate the ideas. They're all fab. I maybe need to put less pressure on myself and it'll calm down and I'll feel better. I am enough and I just need to put myself out there and show people who I am.

 

 

[Daisydooks]

On 11/30/2019 at 5:24 PM, thecrucible said:

So I've been in a new city now 500 miles from home for a year. I broke up with my on/off bf/miserable relationship a few months ago. I've so far made a few friends through work and getting to know them slowly.

 

I want to meet more people and build friendships but I've forgotten how. I also get a bit scared to initiate with people due to fear of rejection so I'm trying to get over this fear. Forcing myself to go to various events as well...but I realise my self-esteem is rubbish because of my past relationship. I'm also feeling that my friendships with people from home are going to fade despite my attempts to keep them together, due to me moving away.

 

Does anyone have any helpful advice for making new friends and pushing outside your comfort zone? Only idea so far is to take up an assertiveness course and keep pushing myself to do things until I'm back to my old self.

 

Also I just turned 30. I'm now not in a relationship and while I love my job, I'm not where I want to be in life. Ahh

The only way I have built thay confidence in myself is to literally just do it. I have a business of my own and I needed to step out of my comfy old comfort zone to grow my business. I moved last year and uprooted myself after 34 years in one city. It was hard on me. Much harder than anticipated as I grew up with all of the same friends from kindergarten. 

The only thing that has helped me build belief in myself and confidence in myself is to count down from 5, and JUST DO IT! Hahaha Seriously. When I had to speak to people, but felt nervous, I'd count, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 (quietly of course!!! Hahaha) and then do the really scary thing. I realized I didnt die!!! I made it through the scary moment and didnt pass out, vomit or die. 

I started with small compliments. I am a woman (so this may be creepy if I were a man) and would start with something like, "oh I really love that colour on your nails." And then I'd run away terrified at first. Once I realized I could speak to people without dying, I believed in myself a bit more and felt more confident going further. The more I did this the more confidence I gained in pushing a bit further to build relationships.