11 months and relapse

[Lamaison]

First apologies for any misunderstanding as English is not my native language. I have posted my story on another forum and I want to post here too so you guys can give me advice.

 

My back story:

 

My ex boyfriend (29M) broke up with me (27F) a few days shy of New Year Eve 2019 after a 2.3 year relationship. We dated exclusively after knowing each other for 4 months. We became friends at work and hung out a lot after work but I only saw him as a really good friend, mainly because I was hesitant about his dating history (always the dumper, cheating in long-term serious relationship, etc)

 

Our relationship:

 

The honeymoon stage was over the top with him saying he loved me only a week after we dated exclusively. He came on so strong, saying out loud he loved me everywhere, held my hand and tried to kiss me everywhere. Basically he was overwhelming and I was overwhelmed. However I gradually fell in love with him and gave him my virginity 1 month after dating. He was my first love.

 

Our personalities are different. He is extra extrovert while I am introvert, he likes football/rap music while I like soccer/rock music. However we still have common hobbies in travelling, politics, movies, etc.

 

4 months in the relationship and he mentioned moving in and I said we needed time to consider that. We still lived with our parents (pretty common in our country).

 

He left our company 7 months in the relationship to pursue his career at an education firm. He is extremely ambitious and always thrives for growth.

 

He wanted me to be ambitious too (I am very hard working and career-oriented, employee of the year, etc) and encouraged me to jump job for higher salary. I did and we were happy. He was still as affectionate as ever. Sex was great, he said sex with me was the best he ever had with anyone. He said I was a cool and great girlfriend, I respected him, never controlled his phone/email/who he went out with. He pretty much initiated our daily messages and video calls. We were in love. I was too blinded by my love for him to not recognize subtle signs starting to rear their ugly heads: He once or twice calling me "b***h" without apologizing, teasing my music taste, calling me stupid in a joking manner numerous times, flirting with his colleagues claiming light-hearted, storming out and leaving me with his football buddies when he got furious with them, getting mad at me for not dancing with him at club (I prefer to sit and have a drink)... Still he loved me, cared for me and supported me a lot. I thought the goods outweighed the bads. Stupid me.

 

He once again changed job for higher salary 14 months in the relationship. The new job gave him opportunities to flight across countries, stay at luxury hotels, fancy dinners and meet new people. I was proud of him and happy for him, but our together times became less and less (from meeting everyday to once a week, sometimes once every 2 or 3 weeks). We maintained contacts by messages and phone calls but the passion started to wear down.

 

One night he sat me down and said that he wanted to settle down in the near future and he saw a future with me, he loved me so much. He told me to be patient and wait for him to accomplish his goals. He asked me to promise him 6 things: to love him, to keep being beautiful, to maintain my professionals, to not complain being ignored by him when he was on his business trips, to satisfy with occasionally bad sex when he was exhausted by his workload and to move in with him. I agreed with the first 5 things but not with the moving in (as he still lived with his parents and showed no sign of seeking somewhere else to live). I saw myself marrying him.

 

3 months after that, he sat me down again and said he wanted to marry me, but I had to tell my parents that we would move out and have a house for our own. I wholeheartedly agreed, that's what I wanted to and I had a discussion with my parents, they agreed too. I told him, he confirmed further that not only we would move out after the wedding but we would also maintain living separately with out parents and just give them financial supports not physical cares (my parents are really old now and nursing homes are not common in our country). I accepted. Sometimes I shed tears thinking about that, he saw that and hugged me, saying he respected me for being a strong woman, for being there for my family. I believed him.

 

He changed job again to a director position and I changed job for higher pays too. His salary doubled mine at that time. He started to spend his money on luxury gym member card (which he never used, he had a small gym setup at home), bar, clubbing, fancy dinners with colleagues while still living with his parents. I had a mortgage to worry about (for my house) and had to cut off my expenses. He became more and more self-centered, saying he had grown better than all out his university friends and he was so proud. He started to nag at me, saying I was needy (I sometimes got hurt when it took him long to reply my texts, despite we reduced to only meet once every two weeks), saying the way I dressed was ugly, threatening to throw out some of my bras if he saw me wearing them again (I have small breasts), blaming me for being too sensitive for getting hurt at him not replying for a day after I had to go to the hospital to check up my under belly pain, getting mad at me for letting him to wait 0.5 hour (when he usually let me wait an hour on our dates) and every little thing. He urged me to change job again (I just passed probation and my colleagues loved me) for higher salary, when I showed my hesitate, he said I was so passive and lack ambition, the nitpicking went on and on. Little did I know, he met her at that time...

 

He broke up with me one month after we returned from our vacation - where he still said he loved me, sang me love songs, whispered nasty words while making love to me. Out of the blue. He drove me home and broke up with me in his car. He said he lost his feelings for me for 3 weeks and thought that I realized it too (???). He said he knew I cried a lot during those weeks (yes no one does not when your boyfriend purposely goes on business trip to avoid spending time with you on Xmas). I asked if there was someone else, and he said: "There's a woman likes him. He will rebound to her after me, so technically yes, truthfully no (???)". He said he was lucky and I was not, so I had to try to move on and find someone else, guys would be lucky to have me. He said he chose his happiness over mine. He joked that it was a luxury to break up in the car instead of somewhere outside while I cried my heart out. After 20 minutes, I accepted the breakup and wished him a successful and happy life ahead. He then drove off to his colleague's house to collect some old clothes for his new woman's charity activities. He blocked me on facebook that night.

 

After the breakup:

 

That night I was tremendously hurt so I sent him two texts to say how I think, asking why it was easy for him to throw out our 2 years together, asking why he said I was the love of his life when he could easily replace me like that, and stating that I would move on knowing how difficult it is. No answers from him. The morning after, I sent him a text to inform I would return his belongings by shipping them to his office, and ask for my belongings back (a big luggage with lots of clothes, underwear, makeup,...). He said he would ship them to my office. One week after that, I had not received my belongings so I texted him again. He called me back saying he would but nothing.

 

I tried to move on: focus on work, sign up for gym, go shopping, reconnect with my friends and family but the hurt still lingered there.

 

7 months after breakup, I received a missed call from him but I did not call back. One month later, he called me again asking if I would be comfortable with him attending our ex colleague's wedding, I said I was okie with that. He asked if I wanted him to drive me to the wedding, I said I would go with my friends. I also asked him to return my belongings and he said he would. We ignored each other at the wedding and I felt nothing. I thought I could let go then...

 

He had not given me back my belongings so I texted him again. No reply. 2 weeks later, I texted him again to request for a shipping to my home address with me covering the shipping fee. No reply. So I called him, he said he would. One month and nothing from him. I called him again but he did not pick up the call, then he texted me back that he would ship my belongings to my house the day after. Nothing. 3 days later he called me and said he would ship them to my office and he did. Final closure then.

 

Last week I received a text from my friend with screenshot of him being relationship with her on facebook. The date was in February (one month after we broke up) but they decided to only pubic it now. They will get married soon. The woman works with him, is 4 years older than him and equally successful as him. She is pretty and seems to have great personality. What hurts me is the comments, where his colleagues jokingly said he hided his previous relationships for the sake of sex and now he meets the love of his life, he liked that comment. They also teased about her big size breasts and he said he prefer it that way and got tired of small size ones (mine). All my hurt feelings come back and I feel so miserable now. I asked my friend not to update me about them anymore and cried a lot.

 

I am glad that I now see his true colors. I also realize my share in the relationship failure (pushover, lack of communication, needy). But how can I move on?

[schlumpy]

I don't see where you did anything wrong in the relationship. You did miss a big red flag when he love bombed you and wanted to move in so quickly. Remember next time a rule of thumb is "Easy in - Easy Out."

 

I'm a greedy capitalistic American, so I do like money and jobs that pay well but I don't make that a center piece of my relationship as you and your boyfriend apparently did. My wife never made the same money I did but she certainly put in the same effort at her work place and into our relationship. The relationship you outlined was concerned with monetary status which I assume allowed you to consort with "quality" people.

 

Maybe you can't for cultural reasons, but I think you should consider reorganizing your priorities. Ambition should not be at the top of the list. That's reserved for the people you love.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you're hurt. Honey, you dodged a bullet. This guy is the biggest ass I've ever heard of. How did you stand him? Forget about your things and just move on.

[preraph]

Listen, bullet dodged! You do realize he was extremely controlling? I mean, who tells their girlfriend what to do about work? Plus he was abusive in that he demeaned you by trying to make you feel stupid and calling you stupid and other things. This would only have gotten worse. He was extremely controlling and that is abusive. You need to just breathe a sigh of relief that you didn't marry this guy! You have everything going for you, so you just need to realize this wasn't really a good guy to hitch your wagon to and that you don't need that in your life. You go be you, and I think shortly, you're going to feel a sigh of relief with him off your back.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is awful, OP.

 

He wants a woman he can control and parent. You dodged a lifetime of heartache with this clown. Thank goodness you had the sense not to move in with him. It would have been an utter disaster.

 

You will move on by removing him from your life in every possible way. Going forward, stay away from the guys who love-bomb you. It's a gigantic red flag.

[Soak]

You sound too good for this shallow, narcissistic pig. He gave you your stuff back, so you have absolutely nothing tying him to you. Remove any risk of exposure to him (that friend, is really a friend?) and ignore ANY future contact from him if he tries.

 

One day you will actually feel sorry for him. You may not believe it now, but you will. And you'll be relieved it never eventuated further.

 

What you should take from this experience is:

 

You're successful

You're desirable

You are loyal

You are able to hold down a relationship

 

Move forward knowing you have these great assets.

[Lamaison]

An update. Ex unblocked me on facebook after a year. I noticed his profile pop up on the people that you may know. Should I block him?

[spiderowl]

12 minutes ago, Lamaison said:

An update. Ex unblocked me on facebook after a year. I noticed his profile pop up on the people that you may know. Should I block him?

Blocking him sounds a great idea! He was self-centred and controlling, as other posters have said. You, on the other hand, have some great qualities. You are loyal and loving. Your ex has just shown what a cheap guy he is. He might be ‘successful’ but he is not caring.

Now that you are out of this demoralising relationship, I feel good things will start to happen for you.

 

[alterest]

Saw your history just now. Hope you doing fine and be happy for the dodged bullet!!

Block him with no hesitation. He did it for a reason and I see a posibility to him try to reach you out. So, protect yourself and don't allow this guy to ruin with your life once again!!