Affair partner falling in love?

[TinyCastle]

I could use some insights. After meeting professionally, my AP and I developed a deep friendship over several years. We became best friends, though the friendship was hidden from our spouses and other friends. It was a classic emotional affair, but we didnÂ’t acknowledge the attraction until 7 months ago when the relationship evolved into a physical affair. He is married twenty years, no kids. IÂ’m married twenty years, one teen, but in the process of separating.

 

We talk about our relationship as a friendship above all else, but one where we take care of each otherÂ’s physical needs as well. But I know IÂ’m falling in love with him. He is terrified of leaving his marriage and wonÂ’t do it. He feels obligated to her, a good person, and wants to prove his parents wrong for screwing up their marriage when he was a boy by never leaving his. I accept this is who he is and where he is in his marriage. I want to be with him anyway. I have never been this physically and emotionally connected to someone.

 

IÂ’ve read countless stories on this site about affairs that started and then APs fell in love. How did you know that was happening? What were the signs your AP was falling for you? Did you discuss it or just know?

 

Mine is terrified of falling in love with me. He does a little bit of the hot/cold when things get too hot, but always comes back stronger. He goes out of his way to tell me how much he values me but never uses the love word. In bed, the eye contact and expressions of loving each otherÂ’s bodies and the way I make him feel is intense. Day to day, he is always there for me and rarely lets a day go by without checking in.

 

The reason I ask is because IÂ’m afraid if he falls in love, and canÂ’t deny it anymore, the affair will buckle under that weight, and IÂ’ll lose him. But given how close we already are to each other, itÂ’s hard to imagine how the addition of an amazing physical relationship doesnÂ’t add additional feelings to the mix.

 

Can I hear insights from those that found their AP falling for them? How did you know? Did you discuss it or just know?

[Artdeco]

Don’t worry about him so much, and what he might feel and do. Worry about yourself instead. You already said you’re “falling in love”, whatever that means, and I think he’s already stated clearly what he’s going to do and how he’s going to handle this affair in the future. If he says he’s afraid of falling in love, I would interpret that as he’s not going to fall in love, he knows he won’t, and he’s trying to tell you this as gently as possible. Even more so, your relationship won’t change. If you listen to what he’s saying then you’ll understand that he won’t let emotions take the best of him, IF he should ever feel more for you, and that he won’t leave his wife for you. Everything you need to know is in his words.

 

He’s not even pretending. And since you’re married yourself, this shouldn’t bother you. Or would you leave your own marriage for your MM? And if you would, (why) would your decision to do so depend on your MM’s decision? Or on his in-love feelings? This would be the wrong way to approach the issue.

 

As far as your question: many OW here on this forum and elsewhere, understood pretty early on that their MM had a serious intention to leave and start a new life. It becomes evident when they say it and act more like a BF than a friend with benefits. They will state clearly what they want (and that’s not enough, trust me), and they will take the necessary steps. This could take a while, esp if they’re in a long-term M, but they’ll keep you updated on every step they take and every obstacle they encounter along the way. That’s how you know, and even then, they could change their minds. It’s not a linear process. And if their M has had issues, it’s more likely that they follow through, but even then there’s no guarantee. **** happens. All the time. In marriages as well as in affairs. Par for the course.

 

So what are you worried about? If he “loved” you, what would change for you in real life? I‘d wager that practically nothing would change, even IF.

[TinyCastle]

You are right. The situation with him doesn’t necessarily change if I know he loves me. But isn’t it natural to want to know if the person you love feels the same? It also tells me what direction this is likely to go. Friends with Benefits may be easier to sustain that a love affair on his end.

[jah526]

We all have a tendency to think others think the same way we do. As women we believe that if a man is sleeping with us, he loves us, because that’s typically the way we feel. But men operate differently. They can easily separate sex and love.

 

So how do you tell if a man loves you? It’s a good question. I think for them respect is a big component of love. Respectability is very important to men, and having a family helps give them that. He respects his wife as someone who helps him achieve this, who in effect makes him a better man. Are you helping to make him a better man?

[starswewillnavigate]

Be careful what you wish for. He may say it, because he knows it’s something you want to hear, but when those words fall from their lips and doesn’t match your expectations you’ll wish they never uttered them in the first place.

[BaileyB]

You are already heavily invested in an emotional affair. I think you kid yourself if you think that you can keep this to “friends with benefits.” You kid yourself even more if you think you can continue this without anyone getting hurt.

 

It says a lot that your primary concern here is that you may lose your affair partner.

[FMW]

I think you're headed for a lot of heartache, whatever happens. He's clear he's not leaving his marriage. You're separating and will eventually be single. If you continue to sneak around with someone who is keeping you hidden and has a wife at home you're going to be miserable. There is no "easier" option when it comes to being with him, they all suck.

[preraph]

His goal isn't to end up with one right woman. It's to juggle two women and have sex with two women. He has no reason to want to leave his wife. And even if he ever did for their own reasons, he wouldn't just come straight to you. He'd want to live the single life first and then he'd probably pick a woman that he doesn't know cheated on her own husband, because men never trust someone that has done that. You're convenient to him. If you were smart, you'd run from the whole situation and deal with your marriage or leave it and date properly.

[mark clemson]

Can I hear insights from those that found their AP falling for them? How did you know? Did you discuss it or just know?

 

 

I think you know it the same way you do with a regular R. The way they look at you, talk to you, "dote" on you. That will tell you things words don't.

 

However you'd be wise to remember that adults are not teenagers, OP. Practical matters very, very often trump sentiment in this world, whether it's "truly love" or no. This MM has told you his intentions and, although it could theoretically change, his words clearly indicate the path he intends to take.

[BlindsidedTwice]

I agree with Mark.

 

I could tell my xAP was “falling in love” with me based on his actions and behaviors, but it was in the way teenagers fall in love. We had no responsibilities together, no obligations to each other, and we didn’t share anything in our real lives. He was infatuated with me and he was addicted to me, but when push came to shove, he dropped me as fast as possible. Doesn’t feel so much like it was love anymore.

 

If you want to stay with him, no judgement from me. Appreciate the moments you’re getting now. More than likely, at some point, it will disappear in an instant, and you’ll be left trying to pick up all your shattered pieces.

 

We’ll be here to support you if/when that time comes.

[ABernie]

As far as your question: many OW here on this forum and elsewhere, understood pretty early on that their MM had a serious intention to leave and start a new life. It becomes evident when they say it and act more like a BF than a friend with benefits. They will state clearly what they want (and that’s not enough, trust me), and they will take the necessary steps. This could take a while, esp if they’re in a long-term M, but they’ll keep you updated on every step they take and every obstacle they encounter along the way. That’s how you know, and even then, they could change their minds. It’s not a linear process. And if their M has had issues, it’s more likely that they follow through, but even then there’s no guarantee. **** happens. All the time. In marriages as well as in affairs. Par for the course.

 

All of this! My xMM was the one who fell for me. I was separating and kept pumping the brakes b/c he was married. Each time I tried to stop, he would feed me something: He read a text on her phone that she was having an affair, she brought up divorce, they sat down to plan how the divorce would happen. He planned his future with me, told me he wanted to marry me. I still think that he believed most of it. But when BW found out about me, everything changed. Men don't leave and she wasn't kicking him out.

 

If I had it all to do again, I would have stood my ground and waited for his divorce. I think our relationship might have made it and it could have been strong. Now (he tells me) he's miserable. I'm miserable. I'm sure his BW is miserable. It's so f*cked up.

[TinyCastle]

I'm fully aware I'm likely headed for heart break. Like many of you, it is hard to stop once the feelings take hold.

 

I've read many stories on here of people who say, " the affair started out as a physical affair, but after time we fell for each other without intending to...". I think my emotions have crossed that line and it was easy to, since we are such close friends. I'm trying to determine if he is similarly at risk. My fear is that if/when feelings develop on his end, it gets even more complicated and I lose him entirely. Is it inevitable? As my best friend now lover, is he at risk of attachment as I have been?

[ajequals]

I can say being a man that after spending that much time together he does love you .that is why every time you pull apart the relationship feels stronger. I believe his fear is falling out of love with his wife and it's scares him. sounds like both of you need to sit down and have a serious talk about where your going ,thoughts change over time but the commitments we make are very hard to break

[TinyCastle]

I can say being a man that after spending that much time together he does love you .that is why every time you pull apart the relationship feels stronger. I believe his fear is falling out of love with his wife and it's scares him. sounds like both of you need to sit down and have a serious talk about where your going ,thoughts change over time but the commitments we make are very hard to break

 

So, is the assumption a man wouldn’t spend that much quality time with a woman and make himself vulnerable if it was just friends with benefits? I think you are right. He is definitely scared.

[BaileyB]

As my best friend now lover, is he at risk of attachment as I have been?

 

Of course he is. People have a tendency to get attached, particularly when they spend time together, develop an intimate friendship, and have sex.

 

With respect, you are trying to control something that you can not control. All possibilities exists - all will be revealed in time.

[TinyCastle]

Of course he is. People have a tendency to get attached, particularly when they spend time together, develop an intimate friendship, and have sex.

 

With respect, you are trying to control something that you can not control. All possibilities exists - all will be revealed in time.

 

You are absolutely right! I am trying to control things that are outside of my control. I’ve realized that affairs are not very easy for people like me who don’t like uncertainty!

[BaileyB]

I’ve realized that affairs are not very easy for people like me who don’t like uncertainty!

 

Relationships are not easy for people who don’t like uncertainty. And affairs - well, that’s a whole different ball game.

[2BGoodAgain]

having been in an affair, I can tell you, it feels like love.. .it's powerful, more powerful feeling than you ever felt before...

 

like others, let me tell you... affairs are fantasy; an escape from reality.

 

that's what makes it so appealing and so powerful. Right now, you're in a relationship you're not happy in, and walla there's this guy, this friend who seems to present to you something you're missing in your reality.... a promise of a better future... b/c an end to a relationship poses a lot of fears. 

 

For him as well, you are an escape from his reality. He's too afraid to leave it, and no matter his reasons for proving his in laws wrong.. the truth is, he won't for you. He's gotta do it for himself. And I don't think he's in the place in his life where his pain(to change) is bigger than his fears(to stay).

 

I've been him during my 12year affair and no matter how true many of my reasons for not being with her were... the #1 reason was that I wasn't ready to be with her.. she was my escape from reality that was my real relationship that I was too chickens*** to leave. 

 

So he may be sincere in his feelings for you, but those feelings aren't love... it's the joy of being with someone who's his fantasy from the nightmare that's his reality. But he's too scared to do anything about it.

 

So like a few others above, listen to them. Protect yourself. You'll only be hurt immensely more than you are right now... it's gonna kill you beyond anything... it'll hurt for sure.. but it'll hurt oh so much later. 

 

of course, when you're falling for someone, you always feel like what you feel is special and unique... but if you learn nothing else from reading the different experiences in this forum... one common theme is true... it all ends. and for those who claim it worked out, it's possible... but it's like a lottery, most of them don't. nearly everyone one of them ends... and if it doesn't, it's b/c reality hasn't burst their fantasy yet.

 

Good luck to you... I was where you were years ago... and I wish I had ended so much sooner. Now, I'm just haunted by everything around me that reminds me of her... and funny story.. she was so 'in love" with me... and eventually, she moved on to a better "fantasy"...  than the reality that was her life or even me...

 

anyway, I wish you well.

[Amethyst68]

He may not be falling in love with you, the hot and cold, push and pull could be because he recognises you have fallen for him and he is 'scared' of the potential of increased drama. You've disturbed the status quo for him and he's nervous.

[jah526]

Wow, 2B, great feedback from the other side...

[DKT3]

Being in love is shown thru actions...ignore the words and believe the actions.

 

We had (hopefully still have, he has been inactive) a MM who I believe honestly loved his OW.  He showed it in action when he walked away because the situation was unfair to her. He still loves his wife and couldn't bring himself to walk away from the marriage.  He never tried to suck her back in even if it was a struggle for him to not communicate with her. 

 

Most of these guy may like the OW/MW,  but they are definitely not in love with her. If we are being honest,  I would bet most ow/MW are not in love either. In lust, addicted, competitive, yes, yes and maybe yes. Rarely in love. Again love is action not words, words are easy. People In love do the hard things that support that love.

[TinyCastle]

Thanks for the honest feedback, everyone. I feel confused about being in this in-between state. I read stories on here of affairs that spiraled into passionate love affairs. I read stories of FWB. I feel caught in-between. We've always said we would put our friendship first. But why the push/pull then? Friends don't do that. We've talked about it and he's aware he does it and says he can't help it, it's a protective mechanism. He does it to compartmentalize. He doesn't want to leave his marriage and I think the affair helps him stay in. I'm leaving mine, and this affair is my bridge until I get to the other side. If we werent't such great, close friends before this, it would never have happened for either of us. Neither of us has had an affair before, and likely won't ever again. I just hoped it would be easier, but emotions may be complicating things. The most confusing part is scheduling time together. I'm never sure when reaching out to get together is too soon, or would seem too needy. I feel like he has these rules in his mind invisible to me about when and how often. He says he prefers it to be spontaneous like when we are both traveling or one of us is home alone, rather than pre-scheduled times in hotels because the latter makes him feel guilty. He also makes sure to sprinkle in times for just coffee or a drink, to make sure we still invest in the friendship without the distraction of sex  (and convince himself that is all that this is). I like knowing when we will next get together. We do text almost everyday, no matter what. I feel like he is struggling with terrible cognitive dissonance. He loves his wife, I'm not sure he is in love with her, but importantly, loves the idea of being married and his identity as a married man. But he also wants me very much, and long before we became physical, we both knew we had developed a very deep and trusted friendship. We both have long considered the other as one of our best and most trusted friends. He has always been there for me and his actions clearly demonstrate that he highly values  and appreciates me as a central person in his life.  The passion, however, is intense. I had that once before in my marriage. He has never experienced it before, he says. 

 

So, what to do? I tried walking away once, recognizing that it was causing me anxiety and him confusion. Neither wants to hurt the other. But it lasted less than a week before he was back. Now we are back in the cycle and I'm bracing myself for the heartache that inevitably comes. I just wish I understood his behavior better and what was really going on in his mind and heart. 

 

Thanks for listening

 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, TinyCastle said:

I feel confused about being in this in-between state.... He doesn't want to leave his marriage and I think the affair helps him stay in. I'm leaving mine, and this affair is my bridge until I get to the other side.

 

So, what to do?

 

I think your high level assessment is accurate. IMO what you both should do is:

 

HIM: either work on his marriage so he's actually happy in it OR leave if that can't be done.

YOU: Whether you follow through on the divorce or not end the affair. Assuming you do divorce it will be that much sooner that you are emotionally "clear" and ready for someone who's actually available.

 

Easier said than done no doubt, but seems the most reasonable and realistic course.

Edited December 11, 2019 by mark clemson

[DKT3]

Man replying on this new system is....

 

I agree with Mark, the problem is married people who sleep with married people dont tend to use reasonable and realistic thinking until someone else forces them too or they hit rock bottom. 

[2BGoodAgain]

my affair and I went back n forth for 12 years... it's an endless cycle, b/c it's like an addiction. 

 

your brain recognizes what causes it pleasure, and it releases a chemical that strongly suggests to you to chase after it, at any cost...  that's one of the major reasons he comes back. and perhaps you accept him back as well. Without it, you start going thru withdrawal. I'm pretty sure that's his case too. Perhaps yours.

 

and like any addiction, when you go thru withdrawal, you'll say anything, do anything to get that good feeling back.

 

that's the misleading thing about actions over words, when an addict comes back to you promising things and doing things that seem to lean one way or another... don't trust it. Look at his actions long term, see if he goes against the prime motivator... then you see what is real and not real. Take away his drug and see if he's still the same... 

 

So trust me, he will say anything/do anything to get you back... but it isn't b/c of love or anything close to it, even if he rationalizes in his head that it is... it is addiction. If he found someone else to have that same kind of feeling with, he'll drop you and leave you lost and hurt and confused.

 

Like I said, my 12 year affair went back and forth..... ended it,, didn't see/talk to her for months to years then i'd seek her out whenever my real relationship hit a wall or too difficult to deal with. She was always the feel good alternative, b/c there was little reality in it. And mind you, we talked most of our waking hours per day, for weeks/months... but that was still all fantasy.

 

escape while you can. run, and cut off cold turkey. anything half measure and you'll let him in and you'll be weak and let him in, b/c you want it too. shut him out from any social media, cut him out from your life like any disease, protect yourself. any reminders of him, will suck you back in.

 

protect yourself. wish you luck.

oh, i'm not saying your feelings are fantasy, you feel it. especially when you get hurt. but it isn't love, etc....