mark clemson Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) 3 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said: your brain recognizes what causes it pleasure, and it releases a chemical that strongly suggests to you to chase after it, at any cost... that's one of the major reasons he comes back. and perhaps you accept him back as well. Without it, you start going thru withdrawal. I'm pretty sure that's his case too. Perhaps yours. While this is definitely true, it's good to keep in mind that there is a lot of variation among people. Some people respond to dopamine more strongly than others and/or have more or less self-control generally. Some may have the feelings but their own views or morality may prevent them from acting on it. Some people like serial cheaters (and presumably Narcissists, although those aren't necessarily the same) may "get their dopamine" from one person for a while but then move on to a new one. Sometimes an affair triggers limerence, which is very similar indeed to an addiction, etc. Edited December 12, 2019 by mark clemson typo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 what MC said is also true... there are many variations of people... so situations/events vary, as well as individual choices... but i'm just referring to the situation on hand... of repeated actions resulting in the same situation over and over again... That hardly seems to be a person in control of a situation. A thought.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 I think it’s possible to fall in love with an AP. But if yours says that he has no intention to leave, hear it and hear it well. Leave before you get sucked in more. You will save yourself from more hurt. My xMM is taking actionable steps towards leaving his M. We are out of the bubble but we still love each other. There is so much pain involved on both sides (I am a SOW but there’s intense drama) that I wouldn’t want to wish the same kind of pain and trauma on anyone else. Unfortunately, once you step into an A, it’s too late. You lose either way. Protect yourself from more hurt now if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 Mine was exactly like what 2B describes. It was an addiction, with a terrible, intense yearning for something that seemed so close but in reality was never there at all. It was all smoke and mirrors, a mirage. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 14 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said: I think it’s possible to fall in love with an AP. But if yours says that he has no intention to leave, hear it and hear it well. Leave before you get sucked in more. You will save yourself from more hurt. My xMM is taking actionable steps towards leaving his M. We are out of the bubble but we still love each other. There is so much pain involved on both sides (I am a SOW but there’s intense drama) that I wouldn’t want to wish the same kind of pain and trauma on anyone else. Unfortunately, once you step into an A, it’s too late. You lose either way. Protect yourself from more hurt now if you can. It may be possible to fall in love, but I highly suggest therapy to figure that one out. Feelings are VERY deceptive.. especially the powerful, intense kind... movies, music, Disney... always talk about that feeling you can't fight, the one you're always drawn to.. as being some sort of indicator that it IS love... but I gotta tell you, a good way to discern whether what you have is love or not is.. Love is kind, Love is gentle, Love is selfless, it is not self seeking... those three things alone will qualify or unqualify what you're feeling... But you have to be HONEST with yourself and very self aware, otherwise, you blind yourself to the realities of your affair. Let me put it to you another way... a healthy relationship is based on honesty, integrity, faithfulness... when you have an affair, you have to break all three. it doesn't matter how bad the marriage is, abusive or what not... if you break all three, not that it's impossible, but it's VERY hard to work with each other to build those three up again, b/c the affair already proves you aren't good with all three. I believe in the end, we CAN make changes in our behavior and our choices, so there is still a chance an affair could become love and something more permanent... but with that intense feeling of love/chemistry, it's very hard to discern such things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TinyCastle Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 Hi all. I wanted to refresh this topic as I know there are new people visiting the forum. I’m still struggling with this. Every step forward leads to some cooling off for a few days, followed by a return to something seemingly more intimate. Should I be honest with him about my feelings, or will that scare him away? Maybe he can already sense them? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 On 12/2/2019 at 9:10 AM, ABernie said: If I had it all to do again, I would have stood my ground and waited for his divorce. I think our relationship might have made it and it could have been strong. Now (he tells me) he's miserable. I'm miserable. I'm sure his BW is miserable. It's so f*cked up. If he's so miserable can't he NOW get a divorce and go with you? So what if his wife threw a hissy fit if he loves you and you're available why not do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 (edited) On 12/3/2019 at 10:43 AM, TinyCastle said: I'm fully aware I'm likely headed for heart break. Like many of you, it is hard to stop once the feelings take hold. I've read many stories on here of people who say, " the affair started out as a physical affair, but after time we fell for each other without intending to...". I think my emotions have crossed that line and it was easy to, since we are such close friends. I'm trying to determine if he is similarly at risk. My fear is that if/when feelings develop on his end, it gets even more complicated and I lose him entirely. Is it inevitable? As my best friend now lover, is he at risk of attachment as I have been? The above was your concern in December. What has changed? Has the affair become more intense? You seem to be unsure about his (genuine, honest) feelings for you. I don't understand why - if you are unsure - you continue an affair and sex with him. You seem to be in love, not knowing if he feels the same way. That must be painful. If you were more aloof, less emotionally involved, more focussed on the more urgent matters (i.e. your D), I would be less concerned about you getting hurt. You could just be FWB and use him as a distraction and, like you say, a "bridge" (crutch) to get through the divorce you are currently dealing with. But as matters stand right now, I think staying with him, sleeping with him, while you're going through a divorce, is too stressful. Can't you just get your divorce over with, and then focus more on what is going on with your AP? Focus on one thing at the time! This constant guessing game about his feelings will exhaust you to no end. Also, if you're such good friends, you should be able to openly talk about it, no? I mean, you worry about losing him IF he develops feelings, but at the same time you seem to be eager to hear the ILY. There's just so much uncertainty and contradiction in his relationship, it will drive you nuts at some point. I would take a break. That's my only advice based on what you have shared here. You will be busy getting your divorce finalized. That should be enough of a "distraction" for now, and the additional benefit is that after a certain time you might see things in a different light and get more relaxed about the whole thing. Edited January 6, 2020 by Artdeco Link to post Share on other sites
Author TinyCastle Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 Artdeco I know your advice is sound, but I’m having a hard time getting my head and heart to agree. That’s how I realized I was in love with him, when I would rather have him in this limited way than not at all for a period. He is the only thing bringing me pleasure and happiness right now, however maddening it also is at the same time. And I agree, deep down I want to know he feels the same, even if he can’t say it because he can’t live up to the expectations of those words. My intuition tells me he is falling deep. That also scares me because I’m also afraid it will scare him away. I love him, but hate the situation I’ve put myself in. I just wish I knew what was going on in his heart. Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 21 minutes ago, stillafool said: If he's so miserable can't he NOW get a divorce and go with you? So what if his wife threw a hissy fit if he loves you and you're available why not do it? Because I have told him I am not available to him anymore. As much as I didn't mean it, I told him over and over again. It took enormous strength. He still insists that we will be together in the future. But that is his path. When I moved on, he took the path of least resistance and stayed. I am not living the status quo life like he is. I'm discovering new, just as exciting relationships (just with a new, slightly skeptical eye). I hope that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
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