Move or break up

[summer1]

Hi all, thank you in advance for listening, it's fairly long.

 

I have known my partner since 2013, but we have officially been in a relationship, be it long distance, for 12 months. Opposite sides of the country. We try to see each other once a month.

 

It's basically at the point where I need to move, or we walk away.

I don't want to move, never have. And when we got together officially, he promised that he'd move here.

 

He has a young daughter from a previous relationship, so I really didn't believe that it would happen, but I decided to trust him and give us a shot. Unfortunately, I was right, and he can't leave his daughter, which is perfectly understandable, but he is now pressuring me to move so that we can start our lives together and try to conceive via IVF.

 

As much as I love him, I don't want to move. I'm terrified of change, and this is huge. I own my own home, have lived here for 18 years. My family is here, my parents are in their 70s, and need help with things. I have anxiety and depression, and this is my safe haven. Selling my home is not an option.

 

He asked what he could do that would make me feel more comfortable.

I said that I need him to have a home of his own (rent/buy) so that 1) I have a stable place to go. (he is currently in shared accommodation which he doesn't want me to be).

And that 2) He has a place where he can build a home for his daughter (which he wants). He currently goes to the family home to care for her, and so that he can give her moments when she has both parents, which he took away from her.

 

He said to me today that he can't afford to find a home until I am there, and that when I'm there, we can find a home together.

 

Add to that, for the first time he told me that I can't bring my cats and dog with me... That it's harder to find a rental that will accept animals, and until we can afford to either buy a house of our own, or find a rental that will accept them, I need to re-home them. That is unacceptable to me, and not an option, so he feels that I am making my pets more of a priority than him.

He said that if roles were reversed, that it's a no brainer, he'd move in the blink of an eye if it weren't for his daughter. And that he's hurt that I don't feel the same. I feel that it's so very easy to say that, when it's not an option for him.

 

The other thing I asked, was that even though he is legally separated, he's not divorced. I need the divorce to be finalized before I would even consider relocating.

 

His response to that was that he can't afford to go through the process, and still visit each other regularly. So I either need to choose, for him to go through with the divorce, or not see each other for at least 6 months.

He feels that I'm giving him ultimatums, that he's not a priority, and that love should be enough for me, that I should love him enough to move. That I need to write down my priorities, to see if that would help me "want" to move.

 

He's asking me to leave my home, my family, my animals, to go to a place that I don't want to be, with no job, no home, no stability, no family, no friends, no support. To basically just pack a bag and leave my life and everything behind. And I just can't do that, and I will just come to resent him.

 

I feel that I'm being forced to move, or to walk away. And that if I wait for him to sort his life out, I am giving up my chance of having children of my own.

 

Walking away is the easy option, but at the same time, it's the hardest option, I love this man.

 

Am I wrong?

Are there any other options aside from move, or break up that we can't see?

[spiritedaway2003]

He's asking me to leave my home, my family, my animals, to go to a place that I don't want to be, with no job, no home, no stability, no family, no friends, no support. To basically just pack a bag and leave my life and everything behind. And I just can't do that, and I will just come to resent him.

 

Love blinds us. Whether you want to wait for him to get his act together is something else.

 

On the topic of moving: My advice is to NOT move and don't make all those drastic life changes until he's divorced. And even then, I'm not sure it addresses your concerns.Why? Just re-read what you wrote above, over and over again. Best of luck.

[preraph]

Just tell him no and call it off. You have no business upending your life to go do that. No one needs a man that bad. Please, just date locally! Long distance so rarely ever works out! It's a huge waste of time! And you've still only seen each other a few times, so he's still an unknown entity.

[preraph]

There's also red flags that he can't afford a home by himself! He's looking to use you for that. No.

[hippychick3]

Given your circumstances, I would absolutely not move. And since he has a kid, he should absolutely not move to you. I’d end it as soon as possible so you can move on to someone closer and more stable.

[stillafool]

If he can't afford a home on his own does he expect you to sell yours and then use your money to buy a home for him and his daughter where he lives? Um, no definitely call it off. He shouldn't be dating but working 3 jobs to improve his situation for him and his daughter. That is not your responsibility.

[preraph]

^ exactly right, Stillafool. Sounds like he needs to finish up his business and learn how to survive before he should even be dating. He needs to get his own house in order and not drag someone in to lean on.

[Piddy]

Don't do it (move). The re-homing your pets would be a non starter for me. As an owner of four cats I would never give them up for anyone. Nothing about this situation sounds good.

 

The sacrificing is all with you. You could lose everything. Not worth the risk.

[healing light]

This has red flags all over it.

 

This man broke a promise to you to move to you and is now trying to flip it on you and guilt you about your "priorities" while asking you to give up all of your life, your family, your home, your pets. And his ass is not even divorced from his wife.

 

Please.

 

It appears to me that he is banking on you so that he can have assets to his name. You'd sell your house or invest your financial resources so that he can have a free ride. There's no guarantee he would even leave the first woman.

 

You've effectively seen him 12 times in a year. You don't actually know how a relationship could go face-to-face. Let's pretend you did upend your entire life, career, family, pets for this man who doesn't have his life in order. Now you buy a place together or waste your financial resources renting... and it doesn't work out--because reality sets in, he hasn't even grieved the divorce that hasn't yet happened, there's a difference between seeing him daily vs. on his best behavior during mini-getaways. What are you going to do then?

 

He expects you to risk your entire life and emotional comfort when he can't even take the steps to finalize the end of his marriage and then tries to guilt you on it and have YOU make a list of YOUR priorities like it's all your problem???? And claims it's about you not loving enough? What a jerk. That alone tells me that his selfishness makes him a bad partner. Look up DARVO (Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender) because this is a classic example of it.

 

This is a no brainer.

[healing light]

He feels that I'm giving him ultimatums, that he's not a priority, and that love should be enough for me, that I should love him enough to move. That I need to write down my priorities, to see if that would help me "want" to move.

 

Projection.

 

He's giving you an ultimatum. You're not even a priority enough for him to have left his wife. Let that sink in.

 

And the list making like you're all to blame? None of these sacrifices that he's asked from you are reasonable, yet I feel like I'm reading a punishment from a father dictated to a little girl as if you can't rationalize your decisions. Ick.

[summer1]

Thank you all for your perspectives, it helps to get an outside view.

Interesting point, DARVO, i'll look into it further.

[fishlips]

Oh, hell, no. Giving up my pets would be a no-go for me. Why does he not have a place of his own? It sounds like he wants you to finance a house for him and his daughter. And why are you dating a guy who isn't even divorced?

 

I do agree that long distance isn't a good permanent arrangement, but you would be heading for disaster if you move in this case.

[FMW]

He's not financially stable enough to live on his own or to get a divorce.  He expects you to make all the concessions and even has the nerve to guilt you about having hesitation over it.  It's easy for him to say what he "would" do if it wasn't for his daughter.  And finding new homes for my pets wouldn't be something I would consider for a second.  

 

I think it's time to walk away.  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

People who have kids and tell you they are going to do anything at all, except breathe, you should definitely take with a grain of salt. Being a parent is not easy. Being a boyfriend/girlfriend is not easy.. Being both, borderline impossible at times.

[Watercolors]

Quote

He's asking me to leave my home, my family, my animals, to go to a place that I don't want to be, with no job, no home, no stability, no family, no friends, no support. To basically just pack a bag and leave my life and everything behind. And I just can't do that, and I will just come to resent him.

 

How does any of that benefit you? He's asking you to give up your life on a flimsy "what if" promise of what life will be like with him -- a married man (legally, separated is not 'divorced') with a daughter. 

 

Do like Nancy Reagan suggested in the 1980s, "Just Say No!"

 

Stay put. Do NOT give up your life for this man. You listed many red flags that you are well-aware of. Why ignore your own gut instinct? 

Nothing good can come from this situation if you give up everything to be with a man whose own life is still in shambles. Run, Forest. Run. 

[fishlips]

Anyone who thinks pets are disposable is garbage in my book. Add that to the fact that this guy isn't divorced yet and is trying to gaslight you into doing what he wants.

 

Cut your losses and move on before you get hurt.

[preraph]

^ Absolutely.  Very bad character.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

On 12/1/2019 at 8:14 AM, summer1 said:

Are there any other options aside from move, or break up that we can't see?

Yes, continue dating long-distance until he gets his crap together.

 

summer1, he is making every attempt to emotionally manipulate you. His appeal to love, is idealistic, but empty. You have a lot to lose...he doesn't. He knows this. It is hard, but start making a transition to leave this man. He is making zero sacrifices, you know that, right? Find someone who has his stuff together. He doesn't even sound like he is trying.

 

Good luck. It is difficult, but your life will truly be up-ended if you go through his selfish plan.

[lovvebug]

Tough love in this forum.

 

What he said about your pets is awful...just horrible.

 

If you are on good terms maybe this is a chance to have a deep honest conversation together and make a decision together that meets both of your needs, whatever this decision may be..