How to take these marriage "jokes?"

[RecentChange]

Never leave yourself at the mercy of any man’s money. Get a job at least part time. You aren’t even married to him.

 

If YOU want to get married then say so!

 

Yeah I hate to say it, but an unmarried stay at home mom is a precarious situation to put yourself in.

 

Marriage would at least offer you some legal protections.

 

Because while you are at home raising his child, you aren't building a job history nor your own savings. If crap were to hit the fan you would be left with few options.

 

Sounds like time for some serious talks - like is he comfortable with supporting you and the child while you focus on raising the baby? Does he expect you to work at some point? Are there plans for more kids? How is money handled? Where does your spending money come from etc?

[major_merrick]

I get that a lot of people distrust their partners and want a backup option. But not every woman wants to work or needs to. Not every woman needs the legal protection of a government-approved marriage. I really enjoy being a SAHM. As a disclaimer, I'll mention that I made plenty of money before I decided to stay home. Even if I hadn't, I think I'd still make the same choices. If I can't trust my partners, I'm in a much deeper hole than not having money.

 

BTW, I hadn't mentioned it before, but you do have the option of getting married in the sight of God but not in the sight of the law. Ceremony, cake, and everything else. It really is up to you what you want, and there are benefits and drawbacks to every choice. Be sure in your own mind what you want, and be up front with your partner.

[lovetherain]

You're raising a child together, and yet you cannot bring up the topic of marriage and openly discuss how you both feel about it. This is disturbing.

 

I mean..we have a little.

 

I just feel realllllllly awkward that he's joking about it. I mean multiple jokes about it being a Christmas present.

 

he works Christmas so there's no way......and alsooo don't think he is financially in a place to buy one anyways

[lovetherain]

Yeah I hate to say it, but an unmarried stay at home mom is a precarious situation to put yourself in.

 

Marriage would at least offer you some legal protections.

 

Because while you are at home raising his child, you aren't building a job history nor your own savings. If crap were to hit the fan you would be left with few options.

 

Sounds like time for some serious talks - like is he comfortable with supporting you and the child while you focus on raising the baby? Does he expect you to work at some point? Are there plans for more kids? How is money handled? Where does your spending money come from etc?

 

 

So he was ok with supporting me, and has always been. But there is expectation for me to work at some point and I WANT to. I need toget out of the house anyways.

 

He handles the money.

I have child support from previous kids, and I also do part time Ubering.

 

 

I don't know. I think that maybe im shying away from even talking about it because i'm just uncertain. I don't know if im ready to talk about it. Clearly he isn't either. Because hes just making the jokes.

[lovetherain]

Never leave yourself at the mercy of any man’s money. Get a job at least part time. You aren’t even married to him.

 

If YOU want to get married then say so!

 

Oh I know. my ex and I had this setup and I was left with nothing it was awful. worst decision.

 

I plan on working in the next 6 months

[lovetherain]

I get that a lot of people distrust their partners and want a backup option. But not every woman wants to work or needs to. Not every woman needs the legal protection of a government-approved marriage. I really enjoy being a SAHM. As a disclaimer, I'll mention that I made plenty of money before I decided to stay home. Even if I hadn't, I think I'd still make the same choices. If I can't trust my partners, I'm in a much deeper hole than not having money.

 

BTW, I hadn't mentioned it before, but you do have the option of getting married in the sight of God but not in the sight of the law. Ceremony, cake, and everything else. It really is up to you what you want, and there are benefits and drawbacks to every choice. Be sure in your own mind what you want, and be up front with your partner.

 

For me, I think that I don't want to be a stay at home mom forever. Right now, I do. But it is hard.

 

My thing is -- I feel absolutely stupid for looking into his jokes. If he wanted to marry me, and was interested he'd have a discussion. I'm not a joke. And i'm not gonna approach him to discuss it because I really don't care to rush it.

[RecentChange]

I get that a lot of people distrust their partners and want a backup option. But not every woman wants to work or needs to. Not every woman needs the legal protection of a government-approved marriage. I really enjoy being a SAHM. As a disclaimer, I'll mention that I made plenty of money before I decided to stay home. Even if I hadn't, I think I'd still make the same choices. If I can't trust my partners, I'm in a much deeper hole than not having money. .

 

And your choice is working for you, and hopefully it will be sunshine and roses forever - but the fact is you have been married for a few short years and have many young children. Losing dependence and sharing a husband with many wives isn't an ideal situation for many women. I imagine if let's say your husband wanted to bring in yet another woman - if you didn't agree - tough, as it's not like you can just walk away from this.

 

For many women, if they marriage goes south, being unemployed with many small children as dependants is a sketchy position to be in. Most aren't in a cult that gives the kind of support you rely on.

 

Sounds like the OP is being supported by her boy friend plus gets money from the father of her other children.

[lovetherain]

And your choice is working for you, and hopefully it will be sunshine and roses forever - but the fact is you have been married for a few short years and have many young children. Losing dependence and sharing a husband with many wives isn't an ideal situation for many women. I imagine if let's say your husband wanted to bring in yet another woman - if you didn't agree - tough, as it's not like you can just walk away from this.

 

For many women, if they marriage goes south, being unemployed with many small children as dependants is a sketchy position to be in. Most aren't in a cult that gives the kind of support you rely on.

 

Sounds like the OP is being supported by her boy friend plus gets money from the father of her other children.

 

Yes,

 

I came out of a 10 year abusive relationship and I def do NOT want to depend on a man. So the situation makes me a litttttttttle anxious. Thus my plan to work in the next few months actually. It's scary to depend on others.

[preraph]

So you know you are in no position to marry until you get on a more solid foundation. So you should just tell him that before you can make a big decision like getting married, you want to get a full-time job and know what you're doing first.

 

I do agree, however, that having a child is much bigger than getting married, so unless you really don't know if you want to stay with this guy, I don't see the harm.

[basil67]

These 'jokes' are likely him feeling out how you'd react to a marriage proposal. If you're not wanting to marry him, this is the time to let him know. Perhaps 'joke' about not wanting marriage next time he mentions it.

[lovetherain]

So you know you are in no position to marry until you get on a more solid foundation. So you should just tell him that before you can make a big decision like getting married, you want to get a full-time job and know what you're doing first.

 

I do agree, however, that having a child is much bigger than getting married, so unless you really don't know if you want to stay with this guy, I don't see the harm.

 

 

Yeah, things were done way backwards. It sucks. I am a little hesitant also because just a year ago he was very anti marriage, brought up not wanting to be pressured into it [though I never brought it up] and ive never ever ever pressured into it.

 

 

so all of a sudden it magically changes? and part of me isn't convinced hes just literally JOKING.

 

ive seen no other "signs"

he has no idea what my ring size is

has not showed my any rings / asked what I liked

 

So while im not opposed to it, i'm hesitant

[lovetherain]

These 'jokes' are likely him feeling out how you'd react to a marriage proposal. If you're not wanting to marry him, this is the time to let him know. Perhaps 'joke' about not wanting marriage next time he mentions it.

 

Soo im interested in marrying him. But I don't feel ANYYY rush to. Like I would be good for another couple years if he didn't ask the question.

 

But personally hes gotta be JOKING with me. and if he can joke about that stuff , I don't know. kinda rude

[lana-banana]

The more you post the less I understand. You have a child together (and at least one other child from a previous relationship). As RC said, that is a WAYYY more serious commitment than marriage. Have you guys really never talked about what that would mean for your children, and how all of your children would feel about it, not just the one he fathered? If not, you really should! 

 

I'm not sure I understand why you're talking about wanting to be surprised---you are already here and clearly thinking very hard about a potential proposal, so it wouldn't totally surprise you if he did (this isn't just you; as best as I can tell the vast majority of proposals these days in American culture only happen after at least some discussion, which is a good thing). And I'm not sure why this is coming up if you haven't really talked about what you envision for your future together. Are you guys on the same page there? What do you want?

 

It sounds like he's exploring the idea, if only to test your reaction, but this is really stuff you shoukd be talking about. And I don't mean rings and ceremonies. You should understand and communicate your expectations for your married life before anyone goes whipping out a ring. This seems especially important with multiple kids involved.

[S2B]

Since you are interested in marrying him thenlet him know that - by talking to him about what you want and need. 

 

Anything less means youre you’re not doing your part to be honest about allowing your needs/wants known directly to him.

 

he’s not a mind reader! Speak up!

[Els]

On 12/3/2019 at 9:08 AM, lovetherain said:

 

I don’t feel the need to talk about the proposal? I’d love to be surprised.

 

I think it's a bit bizarre to expect someone to buy an engagement ring and propose to you when you literally have NEVER talked about marriage in your entire time together. Most modern couples (which I presume you are, since you have a child together) communicate and decide together about getting married, the "complete surprise" thing only happened back in the older days when couples didn't really seriously date or have sex before the man proposed. The proposal can still be a "surprise" as in you don't know how he'll do it, but not in the sense that you didn't expect it to happen!

 

[lovetherain]

We have talked about marriage! Its not a surprise like we haven't discussed it at ALL. I don't want to keep explaining that!

 

 

Anyways - yesterday he  asked for my ring size. I can't tell if it is for an engangement ring. I also used to have a fave ring that he said he was trying to find....and couldn't [previous discussion] well he was asking what i'd like for Christmas and somewhere in there he asked my ring size.

[lana-banana]

Surely he hasn't waited until today to get your ring size for an engagement ring? Unless he's planning to go to a jewelry store at the mall and buy something that's ready-made, it definitely wouldn't be done by Christmas (but possibly New Years). Most engagement rings are a 2-6-week turnaround process. We went through a local jeweler and all we did was put a diamond we selected on a particular design, and that was still about two weeks. 

 

This should be an exciting time for you, so I hope you enjoy it, but it seems a little worrisome that as of December 3rd you were "not opposed but hesitant". If you're not over the moon about the idea of spending forever with this guy, it might not be the right decision. 

[preraph]

Nothing to worry about.  If it's not done, he'll have to improvise until it is done.  

[JoeyArnold]

On 12/1/2019 at 1:22 PM, lovetherain said:

If he proposed i'd be ecstatic though!

 

 

Pirates of the Caribbeans Compass

If you want to marry him, then tell him that.

 

Both

You can do both if you want. If he jokes about proposing, and if you want to smile, laugh, react, or whatever, then you can.

 

To React or Not to React

You don't have to react if you don't want. Don't put on a fake smile. Try to be genuine.

 

Be Real

Do what you want. Think about it and try to be real.

 

But Please Transition Too

But at the same time, you may also want to move beyond the joke at the same time to say something like, "I'd love that." It is that simple, that is if you would love for him to propose, then say, "PLEASE!" You don't have to say too many words. Well, you can say as many words as you want.

 

React to the Joke Maybe

So, you can react to the joke if you want. You can pause for five seconds. You can stop for as long as you want.

 

Transition Please

But you probably should transition from the joke to the heart of the matter and simply give him a nod, if you want.

 

Yes or No

Maybe you don't even have to say a word. But you should at least try to communicate with a nod for a yes and a shake for no.... or maybe just stare in eyes or smile or I don't know, something. Grab his hand. Kiss him if you want. I don't know if it matters what you do, that is as long as you are genuinely trying your best to naturally communicate what you want. You may want him to wait. So, you might want to tell him to please wait. Like hey, "Maybe next year please." Try to tell him how you feel and what you want, what you believe, your main priorities, as well. I think I'm a man. So, as a member of the male party haha, I think I know that some men simply want confirmation, verification, reaction, communication, feedback, etc.

[lovetherain]

On 12/17/2019 at 5:42 PM, lana-banana said:

Surely he hasn't waited until today to get your ring size for an engagement ring? Unless he's planning to go to a jewelry store at the mall and buy something that's ready-made, it definitely wouldn't be done by Christmas (but possibly New Years). Most engagement rings are a 2-6-week turnaround process. We went through a local jeweler and all we did was put a diamond we selected on a particular design, and that was still about two weeks. 

 

This should be an exciting time for you, so I hope you enjoy it, but it seems a little worrisome that as of December 3rd you were "not opposed but hesitant". If you're not over the moon about the idea of spending forever with this guy, it might not be the right decision. 

Oh wow! ididnt know this, guess he really isn't then. Makes sense.

[lovetherain]

On 12/17/2019 at 5:58 PM, preraph said:

Nothing to worry about.  If it's not done, he'll have to improvise until it is done.  

 

what do you mean?

 

also I didn't tell my ring size cuz I don't know...so

[lovetherain]

thank you guys for not being rude to me or judging me..i appreciate it! 😃

 

so today he text me while at work saying;;;

 

Sorry I didn’t go all out for you this year 😕 I mean I got you some things but nothing so big. I really hope you didn’t spoil me because i’d feel really bad. I just love you and want you to feel loved is all:/

 

^^^ to me that means he isn't proposing. because I think he'd be excited lol

[lovetherain]

On 12/17/2019 at 7:05 PM, JoeyArnold said:

 

 

Pirates of the Caribbeans Compass

If you want to marry him, then tell him that.

 

Both

You can do both if you want. If he jokes about proposing, and if you want to smile, laugh, react, or whatever, then you can.

 

To React or Not to React

You don't have to react if you don't want. Don't put on a fake smile. Try to be genuine.

 

Be Real

Do what you want. Think about it and try to be real.

 

But Please Transition Too

But at the same time, you may also want to move beyond the joke at the same time to say something like, "I'd love that." It is that simple, that is if you would love for him to propose, then say, "PLEASE!" You don't have to say too many words. Well, you can say as many words as you want.

 

React to the Joke Maybe

So, you can react to the joke if you want. You can pause for five seconds. You can stop for as long as you want.

 

Transition Please

But you probably should transition from the joke to the heart of the matter and simply give him a nod, if you want.

 

Yes or No

Maybe you don't even have to say a word. But you should at least try to communicate with a nod for a yes and a shake for no.... or maybe just stare in eyes or smile or I don't know, something. Grab his hand. Kiss him if you want. I don't know if it matters what you do, that is as long as you are genuinely trying your best to naturally communicate what you want. You may want him to wait. So, you might want to tell him to please wait. Like hey, "Maybe next year please." Try to tell him how you feel and what you want, what you believe, your main priorities, as well. I think I'm a man. So, as a member of the male party haha, I think I know that some men simply want confirmation, verification, reaction, communication, feedback, etc.

 

that was cute.

 

ill try! i just got myself soo confused!!

[preraph]

You can measure your ring size online:

 

https://www.primestyle.com/education_diamond_ring_size.html

[lovetherain]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

You can measure your ring size online:

 

https://www.primestyle.com/education_diamond_ring_size.html

 

what? I didn't know that. 

 

well he asked me a week ago and then never asked me again, so.

 

plus did u reead my reply up there with the text he sent today? seems like a proposal isn't being planned lol