Old first time mama stories?

[BettyDraper]

Yeah, you're going to have to figure out your real motives for having kids. For me, my first pregnancy was a surprise. Second one too, really. Raising kids is serious for me. I am raising the future, the only immortality I will have in this world, and a significant achievement for the next world. My children will be warriors trained to conquer their environment. I want them to surpass me in capability and power. Joy and fulfillment are nice, but secondary.

 

My point was that parents often speak of the joy of raising children as if nothing compares to that experience. Women often need children to be fulfilled. However, like anything worth doing, raising children comes with downsides which need to be considered.

 

It’s obvious that you cherish your children. What I don’t understand is how you could easily dispose of your child if he or she had a defect. The way you speak sounds like it would be like taking out the trash for you. Is it because they couldn’t be warriors if they were disabled?

 

I don’t know if it is enough just to want children...especially with the literal barriers my husband and I set up. Vasectomy reversal is a huge gamble.

 

I know that most pregnancies are unplanned but I could never take such a huge responsibility so lightly. I am a planner-especially when it comes to life altering decisions. Pregnancy is entirely preventable in most cases.

 

My husband came from nothing. His family was poor. My family was much more affluent than his but my parents worked far too much to live a certain lifestyle. The stress made them bitter. Financial stability and the freedom that money brings is important to us for different ways.

 

In any case, I need to see an OB/GYN and a therapist. I’m tired of the back and forth all the time. I need to decide very soon because I am already old.

[BettyDraper]

Betty, I think when one has kids you have to look at things in a cold, logical way without letting emotion get in the way of it. I don't like abortion either, but to me it is preferable to wasting resources. You get to make your own choice, and it is likely that everything would be fine! And as Art_Critic said, most people tend to make up some things as they go along.

 

Also, if you're really in financial trouble, there's often grants that you can apply for to get your surgery. It depends on what nation you are in, but many places have some kind of help available. Food and medical help are also available - if not through the government, then through private religious organizations. You might look into it and see if there's some options you've overlooked.

 

I do know what it is like to raise a child with almost zero income. I raised my little sister when my mother refused to feed her....I was 9-10 years old trying to take care of a baby. Too young to make breast milk and too young to get a job. I found formula, and what I couldn't beg from neighbors I simply went to the store and stole. I don't advocate that, but I use it as an example of "where there's a will, there's a way."

 

Terribly sorry...I didn't see this response.

 

The reversal is considered elective surgery and it is not covered by insurance.

 

I believe that I have not correctly communicated my concerns. My husband and I are far from destitute. We are do well though we are not wealthy. We're just a little bit behind because of the huge move we just made. That's why we would have to save for a reversal. We don't like to throw away money either.

 

We don't qualify for any kind of government aid to raise a child because of our income level. We aren't the type of couple who would be fine with looking for handouts from churches or the government. Our financial concerns are becoming like the families around us with kids. They own homes and they have at least two cars but their kids keep them broke. The parents do not have the time or extra income to enjoy activities together. We love having extra money for the reasons I outlined in the other post.

 

I don't consider disabled children to be a "waste of resources" and I can't imagine coldly disposing of my child because he or she was disabled or very ill. I doubt that most parents approach parenthood with the same level of detachment that you do.

[major_merrick]

It’s obvious that you cherish your children. What I don’t understand is how you could easily dispose of your child if he or she had a defect. The way you speak sounds like it would be like taking out the trash for you. Is it because they couldn’t be warriors if they were disabled?

I have specific purposes for having children. Yes, there is an emotional attachment and I doubt that my attachment is less than other mothers feel. Abortion, euthanasia, or giving a child up would be rough. However, I try not to allow emotion to get in the way of making logical and important decisions. Grieve, but act anyway.

 

In my worldview, dealing with defects or disabilities would not only leave the primary purpose of having children unfulfilled, but would steal needed resources from healthy, useful offspring. To me, that is unacceptable. I also believe in a perfect afterlife, and thus abortion becomes an act of mercy. I get that it is a radical concept for most, so don't trouble yourself too much over it.

 

I would ask, what is your primary drive for having children? Is it expected? Is your family tree more like a "family funnel" and your husband's name needs to be preserved? Or is it a lifelong emotional need? I think purpose should drive your actions. Unfortunately, you don't have a lot of time to work with.

 

Also, ask yourself about your financial priorities. Can you alter your leisure methods? For my family, we don't do vacations. My partners and I reserve a portion of our house as a "kid-free" zone to lessen the stress. I have no illusions about going much of anywhere. Didn't even have a honeymoon trip. Even when you have money, you don't necessarily have the time. Not much of a loss for me, as my favorite activities involve being home with my family. Other folks, it would drive them crazy.

[Robert]

Let's keep this on topic and away from taking shots and making any PERSONAL attacks please,

 

 

Thanks

[HannahBagrich]

You are not old! 38 is just an advanced maternal age  I'm sure you are one of those dynamic and confident women taking on the new experience of motherhood. My mother delivered me when she was 42 and she is the best mother in the world! Now she is 66 and she is a perfect grandmother for my baby daughter. She buys all the baby stuff by herself (perfect stroller, extremely useful play yard, various baby bottles). Love her so much!

Edited December 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed links

[noelle303]

Good luck Betty!

 

I absolutely do not think you are too old and I think it's wonderful that you approach this decision with such carefulness. I was a very young mom and gave birth to my daughter in what were not the best circumstances, but I worked hard every day to create a beautiful life for her. I have no doubt you and your husband would do the same if you have a child.

 

It's a scary world out there to have children in, but there are so many joyous moments along the way.

[Pastypop]

38 is not too old but, here is something to think about.  At the age of 48, you will be doing little league(around 14 hours + per week extra) and it truly sucks when you’re older.  After working all day, the last thing I want to do is fool with after school stuff.  The days are long and start early and end late.  When they are teenagers, you will be in your 50’s.  It’s really hard.  Our bodies age, in my case get sick and it’s just gets really hard trying to work, do their school crap, break up fights, teach them how to drive and so forth.

 

Also, add in ageism in the workforce. Most employers want us out the workforce around 45 years of age.  I was fired then but still had little kids to raise.  I have moved them all over the place and into a lot of different schools every school year just to make sure we don’t end up homeless.  

 

The constant change truly sucks for them and for my retirement.  They will probably all have to pay their own way through college as I will be too old to work or disabled by then due to the firing, the new unhealthy lifestyle due to the firing and exhaustion from years and years of 19 hour days.

 

 I’m an jealous of all my friends who are my age who are slowing down, traveling and enjoying life sometimes while I’m spending all my Saturdays doing some stupid, all consuming kids activity. I’m on year 13 of doing that stuff year after year, weekend after weekend. Plus, you will be the oldest parent there. Most will think you are the grandparent. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Good for you! I have several sisters who had healthy babies in their mid-40s and I'm hoping the same will work out for me  

[Ellener]

On 12/1/2019 at 8:10 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

yes, I know lots of people who had children later on. I know someone who conceived at age 50!

My 'best friend' growing up her mum got pregnant as an accident age 49.

I lost my first pregnancy then had a perfectly healthy baby, except I did have to take charge and insist on a c-section for the labour ( not the 'done thing' in England at the time! Oh my goodness we stirred up that hospital and then again when I went there with my pregnancy loss, they put me on a ward with someone on a fetal heart monitor and someone else who had tried to abort her own baby. Of course I was very angry, and yes things changed there. For a while at least...my sister said it was bad as ever later when my brother went there then my father died there. Maybe such places just can't be 'fixed'  )

Two years after my son I was pregnant again and so happy, lost the baby second trimester and decided to stop trying and concentrate on what I already had. I went back to the same hospital and doubly complained, we actually ended up writing a nine page report about patient neglect!

On 12/2/2019 at 9:16 PM, BettyDraper said:

I guess I've seen too many children grow up in poverty.

My child did not grow up in poverty, the opposite in fact, but I talk to him very frequently about his financial irresponsibility now and almost all my friends have had to deal with the same issue- that generation's nihilism and finally having to tell them 'enough, go make your own money!' My son's so scared about that and it would frankly have done him good to know and survive a bit of poverty earlier! 

I was a teenager in Thatcher's Britain, something like a quarter of the workforce ended up unemployed through her adopting 'Reaganomics', 'on the dole' we called it there, I got two checks then signed off unemployment and I cleaned a luxury car showroom ( and other places ) for minimum wage instead. I do always respect how much poverty impacts people, but well so does being able to get off of self-pity and turn your own living. It's way better to work than be kept.

On 12/2/2019 at 9:52 PM, major_merrick said:

figure out your real motives for having kids.

My son was just such a delight to me, and I thought he completed our family. But it was always dysfunctional and we all live with that legacy now years later.. 

'Failure to launch syndrome'! We were too successful.I wanted to make a better environment. 'Perfect the environment' but of course I didn't. Couldn't. That's what people are trying to tell you when they say 'go for it'@the OP and what I'm trying to say is there is no such thing as 'perfect parenting'. Just be 'good enough' and always always stay in place and love unconditionally.

These people where I live adopted two girls late in life, they've done great at teaching them to be geniuses, both kids are, but nobody's been happy here. The cat's happy now. The older lady is happier. And that's the ultimate measure of success. People need to be happy.

On 12/2/2019 at 9:16 PM, BettyDraper said:

sometimes people who have been childfree for a long time deeply regret having children.

Your parents may have made you feel that but you won't, just opening up this dialogue shows you are more thoughtful and capable. It'll be ok. 

[Ellener]

On 12/13/2019 at 12:17 AM, Pastypop said:

Our bodies age, in my case get sick and it’s just gets really hard trying to work, do their school crap, break up fights, teach them how to drive and so forth.

Believe it or not, when that's all done with you miss it.

I hated 'Little League' at the time and now I wander the same fields picking up four-leaf clovers and only remembering the happy times.

[BettyDraper]

@Pastypop @Ellener Hi ladies...thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread. I just saw your posts now. Sorry about that. 

Whenever I get the overwhelming urge to have a child, I start thinking of everything that motherhood entails and I don't want it anymore. I think the urges are coming from the imminent end of my reproductive years. It's also a lot of social pressure. 

I greatly cherish my freedom, silence, clean home, disposable income, and time with my husband. I also enjoy travelling without the expense and demands of bringing children along. I realize that my beliefs are selfish but I own that. 

I certainly do not want to be in my 40s with a toddler. I can't imagine my husband being in his early 50s with a child in kindergarten. If I was going to have kids, I would have preferred to have a child in my early 30s so that I could enjoy my later years without the demands of kids and teens. 

When I look at my loved one with kids, particularly the mothers, they seem exhausted and they barely do anything that doesn't involve their children. Their kids eat up all of their money and free time so the moms rarely look after themselves. I'm not saying that every parent lives this way. It's just what I have noticed in my circle. 

For those who can't imagine their lives without kids, the trade offs are worth it and I'm glad that they are happy even with all of the sacrifices. I just don't want to make the same ones. 

I'm glad that I had a chance to speak to LS members about this topic more than once. It helped put my feelings in perspective. My therapist was also very helpful. Thanks everyone! 

[Miss Clavel]

On 12/2/2019 at 2:44 AM, BettyDraper said:

 

That's very sweet. I will post my story for anyone who is interested.

At this stage, we are preparing our bodies for conception with supplementation and exercise. I will have bloodwork done and we will book the surgery depending on what the test results are.

 make no mistake, you are considered a "high risk" pregnancy. not just because of your age but because of the age of your eggs. consider the risk of having an infant with downs syndrome or spina bifida. 

would you be prepared for that? i had the MSFP test at about 12-14 weeks to find out if my fetus would have either one. i talked with my husband and made it clear that i would not continue the pregnancy if the results came back with anything more then mild downs.

my fil had a child with SB and it's not something i was prepared to go thru. 

however, by the time you get the test results back you will be beyond 16-20 weeks. out of time, so to speak.

i had a friend that got back discouraging test results. she and her husband decided to go thru with the pregnancy. i met their son, the tests were wrong

just something to consider.

eat a lot of oranges, walk 3 miles a day, and have the genetic test done before hand.

good luck