How to let go of a messed up ex?

[AR4441]

3 of my best friends have said my ex is a terrible person. That she has a black heart. That she doesn’t care about other people. That she’s seriously messed up. One of those people are my ex’s sisters boyfriend so they’re close.

 

People on forums have said she’s got issues. My first therapist said she’s screwed up emotionally and crazy, unavailable, avoidant. My second therapist said she’s too immature, doesn’t love herself enough.

 

Why can’t I accept any of this? Why doesn’t any of it click and sink in?

 

When we were together (we've actually dated twice) she was the absolute sweetest, most adoring, loving, caring, affectionate, bubbly, outgoing, amazing girlfriend and guy could want. We had so much fun together every time we were together.

 

All these amazing memories and times and how sweet she was stick out in my mind and heart. All the messed up things she did, it’s like they never happened. Like logically I know they happened, but when I think about her and us, I feel nothing about them. Instead of feeling angry or indignant or thinking f that, I feel hurt and sad and wish for her back.

 

What bothers me more is the thoughts that if I were enough for her, none of these things would have happened. I would have been the one to make her heart absolutely melt that she could never imagine hurting or being without and would only be the amazing girlfriend I know her to be.

 

What irks me even more is the thought that somebody will be that guy to her and they will get only the best version of her.

 

Why can’t I accept it and believe it and feel it that she’s not a good person?

 

How do I get it to sink in? How do I believe it emotionally??

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What are some of the things she did to make these people (who don't know her) think she's horrible? Can you give some examples?

[mark clemson]

You aren't giving a lot of detail on the negatives, but if she has a personality disorder or mental illness then NO ONE will get "only the good side" of her until she gets professional help (if then).

 

Letting go can indeed be very tough and I suspect different things work for different people. Some folks seem to need to ease out of it slowly, while others fare better by being decisive - just walking and forcing oneself to move on and letting the emotions catch up to the decision. Either way it's generally not without real distress as emotions fade on their own timeline.

[AR4441]

What are some of the things she did to make these people (who don't know her) think she's horrible? Can you give some examples?

 

You aren't giving a lot of detail on the negatives, but if she has a personality disorder or mental illness then NO ONE will get "only the good side" of her until she gets professional help (if then).

 

Letting go can indeed be very tough and I suspect different things work for different people. Some folks seem to need to ease out of it slowly, while others fare better by being decisive - just walking and forcing oneself to move on and letting the emotions catch up to the decision. Either way it's generally not without real distress as emotions fade on their own timeline.

 

Well didn't want to make the post too long but here are the things she did...

 

After dating for 3-4 months, talking every day, seeing each other and sleeping at each other’s apartments 3 days a week, her telling me she was all mine and not going to screw me over, she slept with one of the crew members on a yacht trip she went on with her family. The whole time on that vacation she was texting me like she was crazy about me, telling me she wished I was there and missed me, couldn’t wait to see me.

 

Came home, hung out and slept with me several times then out of nowhere said she’s not ready for a serious relationship. I was going away for a week so we agreed to take a week to breathe and talk when I got back. The night I got home she slept with her ex boyfriend that she’s “best friends” with. (She thinks he’s gay)

 

After we slept together two weekends in a row, she flakes on plans we made and didn’t follow up on inviting me to a big event in her life she said she wanted me to come to.

 

Then she started casually sleeping with one of my best friends roommates whom I knew a bit. When I told her how much it bothered me and other people told her it was messed up she continued to sleep with him.

 

A month later she brought the kid from the yacht trip that was visiting from the UK to my friends party that I gave her permission to come to.

 

A few weeks after that when she got back from a trip to London her and her friend were at my apartment with me and my roommate hanging out. While we were sitting on the couch together she was sexting with a kid she hooked up with in London.

 

Then we got back together about two months later. She wants to be my girlfriend, there's nobody else she wants, eventually tells me she loves me. Introduces me to her entire family, friends, coworkers. Meets my family. Talks about future plans. Takes me on a week long vacation with her family and then she breaks up with me a few days after we got home.

 

When breaking up with me I just ask her to be better to me in this break up since we are so closely connected. I asked her to stay away from people I know (she knew I was referring to my friends roommate). She said I will don’t worry. Then maybe 2 months later I find out she was sleeping with my friends roommate again.

[mark clemson]

Ah, ok - so ONE thing she is a cheater. Did you agree to an open relationship? Because clearly you're in one. If you're ok with that, fine, but if not you should exit the R.

 

It sounds like you unfortunately have strong feelings for her, whereas she's more in multidate/FWB mode. She's also clearly deceptive (with all the ILY stuff) and on/off about things.

 

If you're not fine with sharing her, then you need to end it as you're just waiting for more hurt the next time she does this. If it was me, I would walk.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Have you discussed with your therapist what is wrong with you that you continued to be involved with her despite her repeatedly cheating on you?

[mark clemson]

Ah sorry, SHE broke it off. Think you just need to accept that it's over. This woman was no good for you anyhow I think, with all the cheating and off again/on again.

 

Assuming you wanted her as a reliable partner (not FWB) in a monogamous LTR, realize that she's just isn't that at at this point in her life. Accept that and move on. There are other fish in the sea who, I suspect, will be a LOT more emotionally healthy for you.

[AR4441]

Ah, ok - so ONE thing she is a cheater. Did you agree to an open relationship? Because clearly you're in one. If you're ok with that, fine, but if not you should exit the R.

 

It sounds like you unfortunately have strong feelings for her, whereas she's more in multidate/FWB mode. She's also clearly deceptive (with all the ILY stuff) and on/off about things.

 

If you're not fine with sharing her, then you need to end it as you're just waiting for more hurt the next time she does this. If it was me, I would walk.

 

Have you discussed with your therapist what is wrong with you that you continued to be involved with her despite her repeatedly cheating on you?

 

Sorry maybe I need to clear things up a little bit.

 

The first time we dated we never discussed exclusivity or defined the relationship, but we talked all day everyday, spent 2-4 times a week together. It was pretty evident neither of us were hooking up with anybody else. Right before she left for that yacht trip she said "Being with you is the happiest I've been in so long. You got me babe, I'm all yours, I'm not going to f you over." Then she went away and slept with this boat servant. Came back, acted like everything was fine for a few days where we talked, hung out, had sex, made plans. Then out of nowhere said she couldn't continue seeing me because she wasn't ready to fall in love or for a serious relationship. So at this point, we're no longer together.

 

Then all that other stuff happened.

 

After 6 months of being apart, we got back together again, this time exclusively, which was her idea. She wanted to be exclusive and be my girlfriend and I told her she needed to earn my trust back and show me she means it so she said she'd do whatever she had to do and would be exclusive to me and would wait for me to be ready. After dating exclusively this time around, she again dumped me out of nowhere.

[preraph]

She sounds like she's too young and immature to want to settle down and is going to be exploring for awhile. It's also possible she is a chaotic type person who will always be stirring up trouble, but if she's young, like under 30, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she is just not ready to settle down with one person.

 

She IS chaotic, though, because she is careless about who she sleeps with and gets too close to your circle of friends. She probably does love you but not in an exclusive way and maybe not a lasting way. She probably has no reason not to love you but just isn't mature enough and ready to be monogamous. Maybe put her on the back burner and date others and see what happens to her in a few years. My fear, though, is she'll end up pregnant by someone and whoever that is WILL have a mess on their hands because she's not going to accept rigorous domesticity well at this stage! So whatever you do, use birth control on your end.

[AR4441]

Ah sorry, SHE broke it off. Think you just need to accept that it's over. This woman was no good for you anyhow I think, with all the cheating and off again/on again.

 

Assuming you wanted her as a reliable partner (not FWB) in a monogamous LTR, realize that she's just isn't that at at this point in her life. Accept that and move on. There are other fish in the sea who, I suspect, will be a LOT more emotionally healthy for you.

 

She sounds like she's too young and immature to want to settle down and is going to be exploring for awhile. It's also possible she is a chaotic type person who will always be stirring up trouble, but if she's young, like under 30, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she is just not ready to settle down with one person.

 

She IS chaotic, though, because she is careless about who she sleeps with and gets too close to your circle of friends. She probably does love you but not in an exclusive way and maybe not a lasting way. She probably has no reason not to love you but just isn't mature enough and ready to be monogamous. Maybe put her on the back burner and date others and see what happens to her in a few years. My fear, though, is she'll end up pregnant by someone and whoever that is WILL have a mess on their hands because she's not going to accept rigorous domesticity well at this stage! So whatever you do, use birth control on your end.

 

Is "being ready" and being "mature enough" and "timing" truly a factor?

 

I feel like people always say when it's right it's right no matter the timing...

[Mr. Lucky]

Why can’t I accept it and believe it and feel it that she’s not a good person?

 

Maybe it’d be easier if you explained why you’d want to keep her?

 

Sounds like she’s done her best to turn the relationship in general, and you in particular, into roadkill...

 

Mr. Lucky

[scooby-philly]

When people talk about timing....it's in the sense of where the two people are with their lives and how pasts have set them up for the present. You could find two people of the same gender that have the same issues at the same age and one may be ready to address them and learn and be in a healthy relationship and the others past has not placed them in a position to be willing to do the work...or even have an awareness that they need to change. I give that just as one example. When two people get into a relationship it's not just about chemistry and compatibility. It's also about the both peoples character and their journey and if there are issues...do both parties have the desire knowledge and skills to work things out together.

 

Your ex seems to want to sleep around and while she was wrong to cheat...you didnt set clear boundaries either and you let her walk all over you. And it sounds like she love bombed you to boot. Why did you let her back? I wouldn't have without the strongest apology ever and clear boundaries and a clear road map that made her work harder than anyone ever. You were the fallback and she doesn't respect you

[scooby-philly]

Try focusing on you for a while and realize your fixated on a fantasy. You're letting your mind focus on what might have been instead of what was and what is likely to be. If everyone you love and trust has the same opinion....then the likelihood of them ALL being wrong....you just need to focus on how she hurt and ruined you and the relationship

[AR4441]

Maybe it’d be easier if you explained why you’d want to keep her?

 

Sounds like she’s done her best to turn the relationship in general, and you in particular, into roadkill...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Don't want my response to get too long but I'd want to keep her because I have never felt a connection like this before in my life and I have been with many many girls so this isn't a case of the first girl to ever show interest in me and latching on to that. I think connections like this are rare. As to her as a person, besides her incredible looks, she's incredibly bubbly, vivacious, outgoing, fun, extremely talented, very passionate about her interests, empathetic, sweet, affectionate. We like to do a lot of the same things, have the same taste in a lot of areas. I also think our differences align very well and bring balance to each other and push each other to grow and learn from each other. I could continue I'm sure but lets leave it at that for now.

 

When people talk about timing....it's in the sense of where the two people are with their lives and how pasts have set them up for the present. You could find two people of the same gender that have the same issues at the same age and one may be ready to address them and learn and be in a healthy relationship and the others past has not placed them in a position to be willing to do the work...or even have an awareness that they need to change. I give that just as one example. When two people get into a relationship it's not just about chemistry and compatibility. It's also about the both peoples character and their journey and if there are issues...do both parties have the desire knowledge and skills to work things out together.

 

Your ex seems to want to sleep around and while she was wrong to cheat...you didnt set clear boundaries either and you let her walk all over you. And it sounds like she love bombed you to boot. Why did you let her back? I wouldn't have without the strongest apology ever and clear boundaries and a clear road map that made her work harder than anyone ever. You were the fallback and she doesn't respect you

 

I let her back because of everything I mentioned above. When she came back and told me she always thought about me, being away from me made her know for sure she wanted to be with me, that I was special to her, etc, it confirmed this connection and the feelings I thought were between us in my mind.

 

What is love bombing and when somebody does it does it point to something about them?

 

What kind of boundaries and road map and work would you have laid down and expected?

[stillafool]

I think connections like this are rare. As to her as a person, besides her incredible looks, she's incredibly bubbly, vivacious, outgoing, fun, extremely talented, very passionate about her interests, empathetic, sweet, affectionate.

 

I hate to tell you this but you aren't the only guy who sees her this way. I'll also bet you aren't the only one who wants a relationship with her either. She is not the gf type at this stage in her life. She is too busy enjoying what's out there and it seems she has a lot. Unless you want to stay hurt I would suggest you move on.

[preraph]

Is "being ready" and being "mature enough" and "timing" truly a factor?

 

I feel like people always say when it's right it's right no matter the timing...

 

No. Maturity is definitely a factor. Most people need to explore and get that out of their systems. There's no Cinderella and Prince with the glass slipper. Love doesn't magically transform a person. Many women have hung on hoping love will fix the relationship or change a person.

 

And you already know that love can be strictly one way or can be fleeting. So many people "fall in love" when they first meet, only to fall out of love as they take time to get to know the person. Just consider the difference in how a lot of college guys treat women and what they want from women contrasted to a man at 30 who has a fully developed brain and has sewn his wild oats and may be getting tired of playing the field and ready to start a family or settle down. There's no right one or no predestined one.

[AR4441]

I hate to tell you this but you aren't the only guy who sees her this way. I'll also bet you aren't the only one who wants a relationship with her either. She is not the gf type at this stage in her life. She is too busy enjoying what's out there and it seems she has a lot. Unless you want to stay hurt I would suggest you move on.

 

Yes I'm sure a lot of guys do want a relationship with her. She's gorgeous, really cool and really fun.

 

I don't know about a lot of people feeling the same thing with her or maybe her feeling the same for other guys. I mean as I said, I've been around, my friends have all been around, it's very rare to have such an instant connection to somebody. We also basically couldn't stay away from each other since the first time we met for about a year and a half. We dated two separate times. That has to be due to a pretty strong connection no?

 

No. Maturity is definitely a factor. Most people need to explore and get that out of their systems. There's no Cinderella and Prince with the glass slipper. Love doesn't magically transform a person. Many women have hung on hoping love will fix the relationship or change a person.

 

And you already know that love can be strictly one way or can be fleeting. So many people "fall in love" when they first meet, only to fall out of love as they take time to get to know the person. Just consider the difference in how a lot of college guys treat women and what they want from women contrasted to a man at 30 who has a fully developed brain and has sewn his wild oats and may be getting tired of playing the field and ready to start a family or settle down. There's no right one or no predestined one.

 

I mean I guess I understand what you're saying. I slept with and dated around a ton between 19 and 27. I'm not sure if that was because I just wanted to be free and sleep with any girl I wanted to or because I had just not met the right girl that blew me away. I had no intentions of getting into a relationship whatsoever and then I met this girl and she blew me away and I knew I needed to see her again and date her. So I'm not sure where this falls. I guess I would have thought if she was as into me (loved me) as she said she was and acted like she was, which seemed to be the same way I felt about her, she would no longer want to be single and sleep with random guys and all that. She would only want to be with me. But maybe that's just fairy-tale like thinking?

[preraph]

Once she's in the headspace to want to be settled down and monogamous AND she finds someone to captivate her and keep her focused, THEN she'll maybe be ready. It's not just about finding "the one." It's about maturing and being ready for commitment. Some people never are.

[scooby-philly]

I let her back because of everything I mentioned above. When she came back and told me she always thought about me, being away from me made her know for sure she wanted to be with me, that I was special to her, etc, it confirmed this connection and the feelings I thought were between us in my mind.

 

What is love bombing and when somebody does it does it point to something about them?

 

What kind of boundaries and road map and work would you have laid down and expected?

 

You haven't mentioned one bad quality about her...except the fact that she cheated on your multiple times and when she wasn't cheating, she was being disrespectful. It's easy to fall for someone hard and ignore (and eventually completely turn a blind eye) to their shortcomings, to the times they disrespect you, to see only the "good". And often that's accompanied by focusing on the "future" and hoping (sometimes you're not even aware of it) that they will "change" and things will get "better". If you live in the here and now and focus on her bad qualities and how she betrayed you you can eventually rewire your mind to stop spiraling and see things (her) for how they truly are.

 

Love bombing is about exploding with love early on to the point where it's beyond "normal" to an unhealthy stage. Some people do it because they're afraid if they don't the person they're interested in will lose interest in them (usually due to low self-esteem). Some people do it because they love the idea of "romance" and they think it's what others are expecting. Some people do it as a way to deflect attention from their shortcomings. Most probably do it for a mix of reasons. For example, my last ex - I didn't realize she did it (I just learned the term myself a few months ago as I recover from the relationship) until we broke up and I rexamined the beginning of the relationship. She was all hot for me in the beginning. She talked all about the future, she was stalking me on social media (I learned that about 7-8 months in) her xmas gifts to me our first Christmas were totally over the top (a handrawn sketch made from a picture of us, a jar full of 100 love notes about all the things she loved about me). I never dated anyone affectionate before (which is ironic because I'm affectionate and I really want/need that in a partner) so I didn't stop to think and analyze and realize it was a ploy - she did it because she had little to no dating experience and was putting me on a pedestal. Contrast to about 7-8 months into the relationship we went on our first vacation together and low and behold to make a long story short, she has a hissy fit and threatened to leave and go back home. Well, I should have dumped her ass back then. But to your question - the love bomb is just that - an explosion of feelings and emotions in the beginning that's on a unhealthy level and masks the person's poor self-esteem, anger issues, abandonment fears, etc. etc etc.

 

Sounds like your ex has love bombed you twice - and you fell for it twice.

[AR4441]

I let her back because of everything I mentioned above. When she came back and told me she always thought about me, being away from me made her know for sure she wanted to be with me, that I was special to her, etc, it confirmed this connection and the feelings I thought were between us in my mind.

 

What is love bombing and when somebody does it does it point to something about them?

 

What kind of boundaries and road map and work would you have laid down and expected?

 

You haven't mentioned one bad quality about her...except the fact that she cheated on your multiple times and when she wasn't cheating, she was being disrespectful. It's easy to fall for someone hard and ignore (and eventually completely turn a blind eye) to their shortcomings, to the times they disrespect you, to see only the "good". And often that's accompanied by focusing on the "future" and hoping (sometimes you're not even aware of it) that they will "change" and things will get "better". If you live in the here and now and focus on her bad qualities and how she betrayed you you can eventually rewire your mind to stop spiraling and see things (her) for how they truly are.

 

Love bombing is about exploding with love early on to the point where it's beyond "normal" to an unhealthy stage. Some people do it because they're afraid if they don't the person they're interested in will lose interest in them (usually due to low self-esteem). Some people do it because they love the idea of "romance" and they think it's what others are expecting. Some people do it as a way to deflect attention from their shortcomings. Most probably do it for a mix of reasons. For example, my last ex - I didn't realize she did it (I just learned the term myself a few months ago as I recover from the relationship) until we broke up and I rexamined the beginning of the relationship. She was all hot for me in the beginning. She talked all about the future, she was stalking me on social media (I learned that about 7-8 months in) her xmas gifts to me our first Christmas were totally over the top (a handrawn sketch made from a picture of us, a jar full of 100 love notes about all the things she loved about me). I never dated anyone affectionate before (which is ironic because I'm affectionate and I really want/need that in a partner) so I didn't stop to think and analyze and realize it was a ploy - she did it because she had little to no dating experience and was putting me on a pedestal. Contrast to about 7-8 months into the relationship we went on our first vacation together and low and behold to make a long story short, she has a hissy fit and threatened to leave and go back home. Well, I should have dumped her ass back then. But to your question - the love bomb is just that - an explosion of feelings and emotions in the beginning that's on a unhealthy level and masks the person's poor self-esteem, anger issues, abandonment fears, etc. etc etc.

 

Sounds like your ex has love bombed you twice - and you fell for it twice.

 

Well I already laid out the bad things she did and you had asked why I let her back in/wanted to be with her.

 

She didn't cheat on me more than once and the one time I'm sure some people would say it's not cheating because we never discussed being exclusive, some people would say it's cheating. Either way, I would say it wasn't the right thing to do.

 

I think I fell for the love bombing because I thought and felt it was all part of this connection it seemed we had. We instantly connected and wanted to date each other. It instantly felt very comfortable to be with each other. We were having such good times together and really getting to know each other on a deep level. It all seemed to add up at the time.

 

Still the thought runs through my head, if I and what I brought to the table were enough, she wouldn't have done those things and makes me wonder what I/the relationship was lacking to get her to that level.

[mark clemson]

My friend, the same advice still holds, and I think just about everyone is pretty close to the same message.

 

Unfortunately, people can fall in love with completely the wrong person. Happens all the time. I think you just need to realize that's what's happened to you.

 

This woman is no good for you, or anyone right now, beyond fling material. She changes her tune radically - "I'm all yours" to "I'm not ready for a serious thing right now".

 

Her actions are showing you which one is true.

[BC1980]

Your heart is not logical. That's why you can't accept that she's bad for you. Your feelings can tell you to do something completely wrong. A neuroscientist could explain exactly why that is, but knowing why doesn't change the fact that you need to take certain steps to get away from her. Block her on all forms of social media, and block her phone number. If you want to get over her, she can't exist anymore.

 

Slowly but surely, your brain will change, and your heart will stop loving her. You can eventually forget about someone, but you have to be really hardcore about removing them from your life. You might want to write down all the bad things she's done and the reasons you shouldn't be with her. Pull that out every time you start to romanticize the relationship or want to talk to her. That worked for me years ago.

[Yusei]

you can't sink and process things because you still love her, you cant accept the truth and you keep running away from it. I can assure you that, if you had no feelings for her you wouldn't be posting here OP.

 

If you truly want to move on, NC guide is the best way. The choice is yours, play your cards right.

[stillafool]

 

I don't know about a lot of people feeling the same thing with her or maybe her feeling the same for other guys. I mean as I said, I've been around, my friends have all been around, it's very rare to have such an instant connection to somebody. We also basically couldn't stay away from each other since the first time we met for about a year and a half. We dated two separate times. That has to be due to a pretty strong connection no?

 

 

Yes I'm sure she thinks you're fun and she enjoys the sex also that is why she gets back around to you. However, if she were feeling as strongly about you as you are about her you two would be together. No? This woman is no where near ready to settle down until some guy comes along and blows her mind. Then she will couple up and want to get married.

[scooby-philly]

Well I already laid out the bad things she did and you had asked why I let her back in/wanted to be with her.

 

She didn't cheat on me more than once and the one time I'm sure some people would say it's not cheating because we never discussed being exclusive, some people would say it's cheating. Either way, I would say it wasn't the right thing to do.

 

I think I fell for the love bombing because I thought and felt it was all part of this connection it seemed we had. We instantly connected and wanted to date each other. It instantly felt very comfortable to be with each other. We were having such good times together and really getting to know each other on a deep level. It all seemed to add up at the time.

 

Still the thought runs through my head, if I and what I brought to the table were enough, she wouldn't have done those things and makes me wonder what I/the relationship was lacking to get her to that level.

 

 

BOLDED THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO REFLECT ON, GROW FROM, AND LEARN.....the problem isn't YOU. It's HER. She may have 100 great qualities, but she's needy, she's disrespectful, she probably seeks attention, and she's emotionally unstable. YOU need to learn self-respect. The minute anyone does that 180 turn on you - goodbye to them! She came back to you because you let her! There was some ulterior motive forcing her to something familiar and "secure"....and you allowed it to happen. And so what she's hot and smart, and blah blah blah. Ever wonder why so many CEOs are psychopaths? Just because they're rich and "successful" doesn't mean they're great people, emotionally healthy, etc. At the end of the day you have to make a choice - do you want maturity, emotional health, communication skills, etc.... or do you want "hot and smart". Not saying those things are mutually exclusive, but the question is are you maturing to a point where you value character over looks first?