How to let go of a messed up ex?

[AR4441]

Yes I'm sure she thinks you're fun and she enjoys the sex also that is why she gets back around to you. However, if she were feeling as strongly about you as you are about her you two would be together. No? This woman is no where near ready to settle down until some guy comes along and blows her mind. Then she will couple up and want to get married.

 

I guess? I don't know? As some people have said here, maybe it was just bad timing? She's still in this immature, flitting around stage in her life, not ready to settle down, doesn't know what she even wants.

 

On the other hand, yeah, if she felt the same way about me as I did her, she wouldn't have done any of these things and never left me. But again, maybe that has to do with timing? I don't know?

 

A lot of things she said and did pointed to her being crazy about me or blown away by me. But then there's also the fact she dumped me twice.

 

I guess the idea that one person can come along and swoon you and make you fall so madly in love that it doesn't matter your place in life or what issues you may have is sort of silly/idealistic/naive/not realistic at all?

 

I know for now I need to forget her and move on and build an improved version of myself from here. It's very very tough because I still feel like we are so good together and the only reason we broke up the second time is because she wasn't mature enough to talk to me about what was going on in her head. As in if we got another chance when we're both in better places (this has shown me I definitely have some of my own stuff to work on) it could be what I think it could be. But I'm trying not to hope for that and focus on it at all. It just feels like we broke up over such silly and stupid things that easily could have been talked about and worked through and the relationship was short changed.

[mark clemson]

It just feels like we broke up over such silly and stupid things that easily could have been talked about and worked through and the relationship was short changed.

 

 

Possibly that's quite true. But why did it happen? Because she wanted that to happen. Because she's not ready for commitment, etc. Brings you back to right where you are now.

 

It sounds like you do have a good plan to move forward.

[scooby-philly]

She's still in this immature, flitting around stage in her life, not ready to settle down, doesn't know what she even wants.

 

A lot of things she said and did pointed to her being crazy about me or blown away by me. But then there's also the fact she dumped me twice.

 

I still feel like we are so good together and the only reason we broke up the second time is because she wasn't mature enough to talk to me about what was going on in her head. It just feels like we broke up over such silly and stupid things that easily could have been talked about and worked through and the relationship was short changed.

 

Dude,

 

You sound like a smart, emotionally mature and teachable person. Stop blaming yourself and stop summing it up to her being "immature". I'm not saying she isn't immature - but immature and "emotionally/psychologically injured from childhood" aren't the same thing. Immaturity simply fixes itself with time and experience. Emotional and psychological problems don't get healed simply through time. I know it probably sucks major league butt right now - but you've got a good attitude started - don't let your spiraling mind lead you back to feeling you want her or somehow you weren't good enough or if she was just a little more "mature" - because in the last case she's already come back to you once. What happens if she comes back to you in 6 months again? You might think she's "matured" and if her problems aren't simply immaturity but more deep seeded emotional/psychological problems then you're in for another heartbreak.

[AR4441]

BOLDED THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO REFLECT ON, GROW FROM, AND LEARN.....the problem isn't YOU. It's HER. She may have 100 great qualities, but she's needy, she's disrespectful, she probably seeks attention, and she's emotionally unstable. YOU need to learn self-respect. The minute anyone does that 180 turn on you - goodbye to them! She came back to you because you let her! There was some ulterior motive forcing her to something familiar and "secure"....and you allowed it to happen. And so what she's hot and smart, and blah blah blah. Ever wonder why so many CEOs are psychopaths? Just because they're rich and "successful" doesn't mean they're great people, emotionally healthy, etc. At the end of the day you have to make a choice - do you want maturity, emotional health, communication skills, etc.... or do you want "hot and smart". Not saying those things are mutually exclusive, but the question is are you maturing to a point where you value character over looks first?

 

Interesting you prospect that she probably seeks attention and is emotionally unstable. I do notice that she posts a lot of selfies and pictures of herself on Instagram. Even posted some pictures of herself topless with smileys covering her breasts. Definitely seems a little attention seeking.

 

What is it that made you figure that about her?

[scooby-philly]

From what you described. I mean it's just a guess...would need a lot more info from you but also was just making a point. At the end of the day all that matters is that she is not meant for you and that you learn and grow and move on

[healing light]

I've only read your first post in this thread, but know that all abusers and many personality disorders have really great/charming/sweet sides mixed in with crazy-making behavior. If everyone was solely crap all the time, no one would stick around or get addicted to the relationship. There is a concept in narcissistic abuse called "intermittent good-bad treatment" from the abuser that aids in trauma bonding. I would read articles on trauma bonding and see if any of it applies to you and your situation, because these intermittent good/bad sides of people actually plays psychologically on primitive urges for survival and bonds the recipient to the perpetrator beyond what would rationally seem to be the case.

[TheFinalWord]

I'm just going to be blunt. I know what I'm going to say isn't PC. But, that approach isn't going to help you.

 

No man is ever going to "get her best" or "be the right one for her." Ever. This isn't a maturity issue.

 

She sleeps around casually and doesn't care about how it affects the people around her (you in this case). She could get casual sex from anywhere, but she chooses to do it with people you know. Why? Because she can.

 

When she is making decisions about who to sleep with or what direction she wants to go in with her life, you aren't entering the equation. At all.

 

She knows she has control over you and she knows she can do whatever she wants, and you will take her back. If she texted you and said she is sorry and wants another chance, you would take her back.

 

I've known women like this. They have no problem getting men, but they can't keep a man. In other words, their sexual market value is high, but their relationship market value is low (in her case, negative 100).

 

This woman isn't relationship material. She never will be. Read that again. She never will be. She's not a woman that you should invest in emotionally, because she abuses your emotional investment. She doesn't nurture and build it through trust, respect, mutual commitment.

 

Now, why can't you accept that? Because you're damaged goods too. You allow yourself to be degraded and blame yourself over the actions of a woman with what sounds like a pinch of all of the cluster b personality disorders.

 

The difference is, you recognize your thoughts aren't healthy. She doesn't.

 

You don't have a very high self-esteem. You should be mad at these actions, boot her out of your life, not blaming yourself for not being good enough.

 

You need to accept that and you need to up your therapy. I commend you for getting help. Don't let this woman rob you of your joy. Keep getting therapy.

 

**Also meant to say, your story seems familiar to me. If this is the same woman you were hurt by like 8 or 9 months ago, you really need to keep going to therapy. You have to move on from her. She isn't wife material, never will be. You being a captain save a h*e isn't how you should invest your time and energy. There are tons of attractive, emotionally healthy, relationship minded women out there. By focusing on this woman, you are wasting time and passing up chances to meet the type of women that you really want.

Edited December 3, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Mr. Lucky]

She didn't cheat on me more than once and the one time I'm sure some people would say it's not cheating because we never discussed being exclusive, some people would say it's cheating. Either way, I would say it wasn't the right thing to do.

 

I feel like you're giving her the benefit of the doubt in light of this:

 

After dating for 3-4 months, talking every day, seeing each other and sleeping at each other’s apartments 3 days a week, her telling me she was all mine and not going to screw me over, she slept with one of the crew members on a yacht trip she went on with her family. The whole time on that vacation she was texting me like she was crazy about me, telling me she wished I was there and missed me, couldn’t wait to see me.

 

Came home, hung out and slept with me several times then out of nowhere said she’s not ready for a serious relationship. I was going away for a week so we agreed to take a week to breathe and talk when I got back. The night I got home she slept with her ex boyfriend that she’s “best friends” with. (She thinks he’s gay)

 

After we slept together two weekends in a row, she flakes on plans we made and didn’t follow up on inviting me to a big event in her life she said she wanted me to come to.

 

Then she started casually sleeping with one of my best friends roommates whom I knew a bit. When I told her how much it bothered me and other people told her it was messed up she continued to sleep with him.

 

A month later she brought the kid from the yacht trip that was visiting from the UK to my friends party that I gave her permission to come to.

 

A few weeks after that when she got back from a trip to London her and her friend were at my apartment with me and my roommate hanging out. While we were sitting on the couch together she was sexting with a kid she hooked up with in London.

 

Sure, it may not technically be cheating, but none of it implies any consideration for your feelings or concerns. Makes her lousy GF material and really not even a good friend.

 

You seem smarter than this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AR4441]

Guess I'm just sad and messed up that she didn't love me enough to not do those things and to not want to be without me.

 

A few people have said to me that so many women would kill for somebody to love them the way that I loved her and to be treated the way that I treated her. Yea sure, that's nice that there are other fish in the sea, unfortunately, the only one I've ever wanted like this, is somehow not one of those women.

[scooby-philly]

And that's when you mourn, cry, scream, rant, talk, listen, and grow and realize not everyone is meant to be in your life forever and that if you treat yourself right and find happiness in yourself and value yourself you can eventually find someone who values you

[AR4441]

My ex is now apparently fully dating this boat servant that lives in the UK that she slept with behind my back 2 years ago before we were exclusive the first time we dated. She’s on a boat trip with him right now just after he came to the US for 2.5 weeks and is with him again for a week posting all these pictures of them together. They’ve literally only been together a total of 6 times since they met 2 years ago but have seen each other the last 3 months and now she’s posting stories of them everywhere.  And now I just found out, that even though he's supposed to be working in the islands till April he is coming here for a week and she's bringing him to our mutual friends birthday party (not really mutual but we're connected through social circle).I dated this girl twice and she never once I don’t think posted anything of us. I know that seems like a weird thing to think about but it’s just like wtf.

And this girl that apparently doesn’t want to be tied down now feels such a connection and attraction to this guy she’s willing to put in the effort to make a long distance relationship like this work? When we were together and she said she was so in love with me, I was so special to her, this and that, she couldn’t put in the effort to f***ing try to communicate with me but for this guy she’s traveling to London to see him, booking trips with his yacht charter company, having him live with her in the US for weeks at a time.

Some part of me knows that this likely is not going to last, that it probably only works for her because it is long distance so it’s not like a real relationship and she gets that high when they get to see each other but still it f***ing blows. I hate this kid is getting probably the absolute best of her. Just wtf. She seemed absolutely crazy about me and just idk.

[preraph]

Sounds like she's just having fun being single.  It's always insulting to watch an ex move on to the next person, but truth is healthy people move forward.  

[AR4441]

That would be one thing and was much easier to deal with when she was just going fling to fling being single.  It was like ok well at least she's not really connecting with anybody, she's not committing to anybody.  But now this kid is apparently her boyfriend and they're putting in all this effort to make this intercontinental LDR work and she's touting him everywhere for everybody to see.  So no longer single, no longer going fling to fling, which means she feels something pretty serious about him.  I always thought connections are pretty rare and unique and the fact she's found it with this guy of all people, just kills me.

[stillafool]

How long have you been broken up?  If it's been a while and she's already had time to play around she may have just been ready to have a boyfriend.  I know how it hurts to see an ex  you still love move on.  What will help you is to not look at any of her social media and stop mutual friends immediately if they try to tell you anything about her life.  If you find out any new information about her new life it will keep you stuck.  

[elaine567]

I read your other thread, how old is this girl?

[Tamfana]

Think about going No Contact.  Watching her life while you're still so emotionally attached will be painful and will delay your moving on to find the right person for you.  

[AR4441]

  

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I read your other thread, how old is this girl?

First time we dated 23 turning 24.  Next time we dated 24 turning 25.  Now she's 25 turning 26 in March.

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How long have you been broken up?  If it's been a while and she's already had time to play around she may have just been ready to have a boyfriend.  I know how it hurts to see an ex  you still love move on.  What will help you is to not look at any of her social media and stop mutual friends immediately if they try to tell you anything about her life.  If you find out any new information about her new life it will keep you stuck.  

Been a year now 😞

I've stopped looking at her stuff.  Part of me doesn't want to move on because I want to hopefully give it another go at some point since we're connected by our social circle.  But I also know for that to even be a possibility I'd need to be over her.  The whole thing has been such a mental and emotional roller coaster

[CAPITAL CROOK]

Travelling is a very, very attractive activity for most women, I think you would be hard pressed to find a woman who would disagree with this statement... If she could just, no strings attached, go travelling and come back without much consequence, I think this is kind of like the dream for most women. I think a large part of the whole travel thing is the social aspect of it, where she gets to flaunt her pictures of her trip all over social media and what-not, as kind of like a social status type thing... To me, women who travel are like men who wear expensive watches, its the same thing in my mind.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, AR4441 said:

First time we dated 23 turning 24.  Next time we dated 24 turning 25.  Now she's 25 turning 26 in March.

Yes she certainly did sound young, especially in that first rung of dating.
I think you just have to let her go . You gave it your best shot and it didn't work, twice.
She is just not good long term material.
 Onwards and upwards.

[AR4441]

29 minutes ago, CAPITAL CROOK said:

Travelling is a very, very attractive activity for most women, I think you would be hard pressed to find a woman who would disagree with this statement... If she could just, no strings attached, go travelling and come back without much consequence, I think this is kind of like the dream for most women. I think a large part of the whole travel thing is the social aspect of it, where she gets to flaunt her pictures of her trip all over social media and what-not, as kind of like a social status type thing... To me, women who travel are like men who wear expensive watches, its the same thing in my mind.

Yea I get the whole posting pictures of traveling but she was including pictures and videos of them when he came to visit our city that were VERY coupley and on vacation on the boat.  I never took her anywhere but we did a lot of cool fun and interesting things.  Never once wanted the world to see she was with me I guess?

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes she certainly did sound young, especially in that first rung of dating.
I think you just have to let her go . You gave it your best shot and it didn't work, twice.
She is just not good long term material.
 Onwards and upwards.

Yes first time around definitely young.  Was a few months out of a serious 3 year relationship and ultimately ended it because she wasn't ready for another serious relationship.  We stay in touch and hook up a few times in between but second time again she ends things without ever trying to communicate anything.

It was all "I love you so much" one day and the next it's I can't do this anymore.

It feels like this connection and our time together was short changed since she never gave us the chance to work through something.  I think that's why I think if given another chance after we've both grown a little bit it could work?

She's had serious boyfriends before (although she was pretty young) and now she's maintaining this LDR so I'm not sure I totally buy "she's not good long term material" ya know

[mark clemson]

My friend IMO there's really only one thing to do in your situation and that's move on. Probably to someone a lot better. You're trying to keep yourself available in case she comes back to you, but ALL you're getting is the ego stings. She's done. It's been a year and she's hung up on some guy she can't actually have. If they had a non-LD relationship, she might be done with him too now, but he's not around for her to see the real him and it's fun the little he IS around, so she idealizes him.

At this point, clinging to this is a waste of your time. Realize that and walk away. Finding a new and better woman should cure you of this, I hope. She might start to orbit once you actually have someone else. Don't let her interfere with anything.

She's bringing this guy into your social circle. Humiliating for you, but if you cared less it would matter a LOT less. Once you find a new GF, she will be in your social circle a LOT and possibly that will feel humiliating for the old one. It's not about vengeance or anything, but I suspect she'll be eating a lot more crow than you will in the long haul. Oh well, tough cookies.

[AR4441]

17 hours ago, mark clemson said:

My friend IMO there's really only one thing to do in your situation and that's move on. Probably to someone a lot better. You're trying to keep yourself available in case she comes back to you, but ALL you're getting is the ego stings. She's done. It's been a year and she's hung up on some guy she can't actually have. If they had a non-LD relationship, she might be done with him too now, but he's not around for her to see the real him and it's fun the little he IS around, so she idealizes him.

At this point, clinging to this is a waste of your time. Realize that and walk away. Finding a new and better woman should cure you of this, I hope. She might start to orbit once you actually have someone else. Don't let her interfere with anything.

She's bringing this guy into your social circle. Humiliating for you, but if you cared less it would matter a LOT less. Once you find a new GF, she will be in your social circle a LOT and possibly that will feel humiliating for the old one. It's not about vengeance or anything, but I suspect she'll be eating a lot more crow than you will in the long haul. Oh well, tough cookies.

I just don't see myself finding somebody better.  I've been on dates, I've swiped endlessly on the dating apps.  I've been on dates with a couple absolutely gorgeous girls, and yet they still don't compare.  I've been on dates with some cool girls, and they also don't compare.

It's funny you say she's hung up on a guy she can't actually have.  Part of me sees it as she's putting in this extra effort to maintain such a difficult long distance relationship.  And yes the other side of me I guess logically understands it only works for her because they don't spend the time together people do in a normal relationship, she always gets that new relationship high when they see each other which is something people have told me she chases, and because he's a boat servant he can sail her around in exotic places which just adds to the whole new relationship energy.  So basically it's not a real relationship and that's the only reason it's working for her and if he were living in the same city as us, she'd be done with him just as quickly as any other guy.  But still emotionally, it hurts a lot and sucks.  Makes me think she's so much crazier and in love with him than she was me to be making this work and posting him on her Instagram.

What is it that makes you say everything about this long distance thing only works because the allusion of the idealized version of him remains?  Why is it different than other people in committed long distance relationships?  They can't all be about the idealization, new relationship energy type thing are they?

I am trying to work on myself and improve, but I'm still broken up about this girl.  I'm playing guitar again, taking singing lessons and want to perform live soon.  I started jiu jitsu.  I've started training for a half marathon and a triathlon this summer.  I'm starting to read again.  Still I hurt and wish I was the guy she couldn't be without.

[mark clemson]

I think she idealizes him because he's not around and she doesn't see the real him. She can romanticize the "fun and exotic" life of travel. The real him might (or might not) put her off. Some people function better with someone they can idealize.

At any rate, all this justification and improvements you are making isn't at all likely to change her. The improvements are great, by all means carry on, but she's BTDT with you and has moved on. Why waste your years on the 1/100 chance she will turn around? She's making progress in her romantic life. You should do the same. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. She'll respect you more I bet when she sees you with a new girl (although it still won't bring her back to you.)

[AR4441]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think she idealizes him because he's not around and she doesn't see the real him. She can romanticize the "fun and exotic" life of travel. The real him might (or might not) put her off. Some people function better with someone they can idealize.

At any rate, all this justification and improvements you are making isn't at all likely to change her. The improvements are great, by all means carry on, but she's BTDT with you and has moved on. Why waste your years on the 1/100 chance she will turn around? She's making progress in her romantic life. You should do the same. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. She'll respect you more I bet when she sees you with a new girl (although it still won't bring her back to you.)

Logically I agree with the whole it works because he's not here thing.  My good friend said it. Even my therapist has said this.  Emotionally it just straight up sucks.

The changes aren't for her.  They're for me.  I've realized I was very unhappy with myself and aspects of my life when we were dating.  Which I think definitely had a big part in our second break up.  But again, I'm doing these things to build a happier more interesting life for me because I want to be happy and content.  All of this has definitely shown me that if I don't love myself as much as I can and love the life I'm living, people will pick up on that, it's not attractive and most importantly I won't be able to be the type of man I need to be to have a successful relationship.

Do I have some hope that these changes I'm making eventually make me the man I want to be which will be very different from the man that I was and maybe she'd be like wow who is this version of him he's got so much going on for him he's like a completely different man?  Yea definitely I hope that can happen since we're connected through our social circle.  But as I said, I'm doing this stuff for me so I can be happier with myself and my life for me because going through life the way I was and have been is not sustainable and not enjoyable.

[2BGoodAgain]

dude.. you're gonna get a disease from her, the way she sleeps around...

PROTECT yourself... physically, mentally, emotionally....

you're addicted to the good feelings she brings up in you, but it isn't honestly her that's doing it.

as for her, she's using you for her physical, emotional, mental needs... but that's it. She's using you.

if you are confused why you let someone use you like a doormat... it's b/c somewhere inside you, you're OK with it.

so you really have two choices, b/c i honestly think you already know what it is... but you need someone to smack you awake...

1) be a doormat. used, abused, then tossed away.

2) not be a doormat. value yourself, value your heart, value your soul. 

 

Those are the only two choices. If you can't make that choice, then you are broken inside as well, it is YOU that needs help. Forget her issues, you got serious issues if you let someone use you like that KNOWING you are being used. You have not hit rock bottom, yet.