How to let go of a messed up ex?

[AR4441]

1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

dude.. you're gonna get a disease from her, the way she sleeps around...

PROTECT yourself... physically, mentally, emotionally....

you're addicted to the good feelings she brings up in you, but it isn't honestly her that's doing it.

as for her, she's using you for her physical, emotional, mental needs... but that's it. She's using you.

if you are confused why you let someone use you like a doormat... it's b/c somewhere inside you, you're OK with it.

so you really have two choices, b/c i honestly think you already know what it is... but you need someone to smack you awake...

1) be a doormat. used, abused, then tossed away.

2) not be a doormat. value yourself, value your heart, value your soul. 

 

Those are the only two choices. If you can't make that choice, then you are broken inside as well, it is YOU that needs help. Forget her issues, you got serious issues if you let someone use you like that KNOWING you are being used. You have not hit rock bottom, yet.

Well at the time it really didn't seem like she was using me.  We hooked up a couple of times and wanted to date but didn't because of the complex social circle situation.  Eventually said screw it we both really like each other lets do this.  Everything seemed amazing but based on what she said she got scared and wasn't ready to fall in love and be in a serious relationship being only 23 turning 24 and having just been in a long relationship, seemed very plausible, and a good female friend confirmed a similar experience, so ok.  I was pretty heartbroken about it but was ok it made some sense.

After that we hooked up every other month into July when we saw each other.  Then when she got back from a 3 week trip which she was texting me every week, we started talking regularly, going on dates and hanging out again for a month or two at which point she said she exclusively wanted to be with me.  Confirmed everything I thought was going on saying she was just scared, not ready for her last relationship, never stopped thinking about me, etc.  Again everything seemed amazing, she seemed so into me, this time introducing me to friends, family, co-workers, wanting to be my girlfriend etc.  It seemed to all make sense and seemed very real, so it didn't seem like I was letting this girl walk all over me or use me?

[scooby-philly]

People with emotional/psychological issues learn behavior differently than the rest of us. For example, people classified as sociopaths or psychopaths really can't feel empathy. Any empathy they show is a learned behavior the picked up by watching people be really empathetic and learning how to imitate the behavior - what to say and when, what to do and when. Not saying she's a psychopath or sociopath, but it sounds like she lacks empathy and any sort of feelings for others than herself. No matter the depth or type of her issues on a psychological and emotional scale/level there's only one thing you need to know (and I'm sorry I didn't focus on this in the very beginning when you first posted):

 

YOU CANNOT FIX HER.

Even if she is "fixable" - she was to want to do it. You can't do if for her. And feeling bad because someone else might get to have her and "be the man she needs" - is not healthy thinking. First, again, she's not fixable (unless she wants to be fixed, and then she has to do the work). Second, you're not her (or anyone else's) "savior. Third, you sound a bit like me - I was conditioned to be the "good boy" growing up which lead me to being the "nice guy" - meaning I've stuck around in relationships where my needs were being met and I was not truly compatible with the other person. I've learned and apparently grown on the compatibility front (to a certain extant) but based on my last relationship, I still have work to on the "getting my needs met" front. The right person loves you for who you are NOW and will stay in love with you if you only get better. And you will be the right person for someone as they are NOW and will continue to be so as long as they only get better. You two are not compatible, she has a lot of issues to work on, and you need to do a little bit to boost your underlying self-esteem and figure yourself out - so let her go and move on. 

[AR4441]

Mostly venting here...

Well because my ex is in my social circle I got to hear about how she went on the boat he was sailing on for a week and then he came back to our city and has now been living with her for an entire month. And to top it off, he's now on vacation with her and her entire family for her mother's 60th.

If she's so avoidant and can't handle intimacy and closeness and needs distance how the hell is she able to handle literally living with this kid for so long? She had literally only been in person with this guy maybe 15 days before "making it official". And now 1 or 2 months into this relationship he's literally living with her? What the actual f***

It's sickening. The "funny thing" is, one of the times she was with this kid back in end of July/early August on another one of his boats for a week, she had been "dating" another guy for about a month at that point, having posted pictures of them on instagram together, went on this vacation with her now bf, f***ing him all week, and I'm SURE the entire time texting the guy back at home telling him she can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was there and all that, then she came back to this other kid, brought him to her family's vacation home, planned to go to one of his family member's wedding before dumping him cold. Then a month later she goes to UK to see this boat servant and all of sudden it's her boyfriend and he's living with her and on her family's vacation.

I know I'm externally focusing in this post but I'm just venting. I'm so f***ing angry and hurt. That was supposed to be me!

I don't understand if she's supposedly so scared of closeness and intimacy and conflict avoidant how the hell she's able to literally live with this kid a whole month +

What the hell does this kid have that I don't?  What he can sail a boat and she loves boats?  I just do not get it at all.

Logically I think that she's really not a good person or at least not somebody I should want to be with considering a lot of things she's done but I still miss her, still want her back, still emotionally feel messed up over her.  I wish I could somehow get the logic to click with my emotions.  I wish I could genuinely hate her.  Instead I feel like if I had been the guy for her she never would have done the things she did and so far it seems she's treating this new boat servant boyfriend like the best thing since sliced bread and wouldn't even think about doing similar things to him that she did to me.

Battling to keep my internal monologue about me and all the good things I'm doing to change my life.  How I'm working on improving myself and she's not doing s***.  That I have so much going for me.  That she doesn't deserve me.  But you know how no matter what you say in your head to yourself but you still have that sinking feeling in your chest and gut?  yea...

[2BGoodAgain]

58 minutes ago, AR4441 said:

Mostly venting here...

Well because my ex is in my social circle I got to hear about how she went on the boat he was sailing on for a week and then he came back to our city and has now been living with her for an entire month. And to top it off, he's now on vacation with her and her entire family for her mother's 60th.

If she's so avoidant and can't handle intimacy and closeness and needs distance how the hell is she able to handle literally living with this kid for so long? She had literally only been in person with this guy maybe 15 days before "making it official". And now 1 or 2 months into this relationship he's literally living with her? What the actual f***

It's sickening. The "funny thing" is, one of the times she was with this kid back in end of July/early August on another one of his boats for a week, she had been "dating" another guy for about a month at that point, having posted pictures of them on instagram together, went on this vacation with her now bf, f***ing him all week, and I'm SURE the entire time texting the guy back at home telling him she can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was there and all that, then she came back to this other kid, brought him to her family's vacation home, planned to go to one of his family member's wedding before dumping him cold. Then a month later she goes to UK to see this boat servant and all of sudden it's her boyfriend and he's living with her and on her family's vacation.

I know I'm externally focusing in this post but I'm just venting. I'm so f***ing angry and hurt. That was supposed to be me!

I don't understand if she's supposedly so scared of closeness and intimacy and conflict avoidant how the hell she's able to literally live with this kid a whole month +

What the hell does this kid have that I don't?  What he can sail a boat and she loves boats?  I just do not get it at all.

Logically I think that she's really not a good person or at least not somebody I should want to be with considering a lot of things she's done but I still miss her, still want her back, still emotionally feel messed up over her.  I wish I could somehow get the logic to click with my emotions.  I wish I could genuinely hate her.  Instead I feel like if I had been the guy for her she never would have done the things she did and so far it seems she's treating this new boat servant boyfriend like the best thing since sliced bread and wouldn't even think about doing similar things to him that she did to me.

Battling to keep my internal monologue about me and all the good things I'm doing to change my life.  How I'm working on improving myself and she's not doing s***.  That I have so much going for me.  That she doesn't deserve me.  But you know how no matter what you say in your head to yourself but you still have that sinking feeling in your chest and gut?  yea...

the thing is...people tend to go opposite of who they were with... 

so sometimes, if they were saying to you... im' ABC, then after a break up, you realize she's not ABC...  when people are infatuated or like the person they're with, they tend to try "new things"... that they normally wouldn't... happens all the time... or sometimes, they realize what they don't want in one relationship and do something diff in the next...

it feels like a betrayal and it could be... but usually, it's the above.

in the end, for YOUR sake... it's just best to let it go... understand it, and move on...

Also, it's good to dissect if it's HER you miss or what she made you feel... those are two different things, b/c how she made you feel is ... though perhaps rare, repeatable... if you determine it is her, then it's THAT much harder to let her go, b/c that makes her unique/special... but i think deep down, you know that's not true... so if you recognize how she made you feel and understand that it may be how she made you feel that you miss and not the actual person, it may help you one step closer to letting it all go.... 

Edited February 13, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[AR4441]

9 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

the thing is...people tend to go opposite of who they were with... 

so sometimes, if they were saying to you... im' ABC, then after a break up, you realize she's not ABC...  when people are infatuated or like the person they're with, they tend to try "new things"... that they normally wouldn't... happens all the time... or sometimes, they realize what they don't want in one relationship and do something diff in the next...

it feels like a betrayal and it could be... but usually, it's the above.

in the end, for YOUR sake... it's just best to let it go... understand it, and move on...

Also, it's good to dissect if it's HER you miss or what she made you feel... those are two different things, b/c how she made you feel is ... though perhaps rare, repeatable... if you determine it is her, then it's THAT much harder to let her go, b/c that makes her unique/special... but i think deep down, you know that's not true... so if you recognize how she made you feel and understand that it may be how she made you feel that you miss and not the actual person, it may help you one step closer to letting it all go.... 

Pretty tough to distinguish between the two.

Sure I miss the way I felt with her.  I was really really happy, we had a ton of fun, I felt a deep connection, I felt cared for.

I also miss the person.  Well I guess more accurately, I miss the person I thought she was with.

Considering all the messed up things she did, she's not who I thought she was.

A question that keeps popping up for me is, why didn't she love me enough to not do the things she did ESPECIALLY since she acted and told me she was SO in love with me.  And it's killing me that she may be into this kid enough to not do the types of things she did with me and only treat him amazing.  Why wasn't that me.

[2BGoodAgain]

12 hours ago, AR4441 said:

Pretty tough to distinguish between the two.

Sure I miss the way I felt with her.  I was really really happy, we had a ton of fun, I felt a deep connection, I felt cared for.

I also miss the person.  Well I guess more accurately, I miss the person I thought she was with.

Considering all the messed up things she did, she's not who I thought she was.

A question that keeps popping up for me is, why didn't she love me enough to not do the things she did ESPECIALLY since she acted and told me she was SO in love with me.  And it's killing me that she may be into this kid enough to not do the types of things she did with me and only treat him amazing.  Why wasn't that me.

words are cheap, actions speak louder...

people say a lot of things they  may or may not mean... she may truly have believed it, or her idea of "love" was definitely not how you would define "love"...

so take her actions as a true indicator of her... and then you realize that her words didn't mean at much as her actions.

[AR4441]

7 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

words are cheap, actions speak louder...

people say a lot of things they  may or may not mean... she may truly have believed it, or her idea of "love" was definitely not how you would define "love"...

so take her actions as a true indicator of her... and then you realize that her words didn't mean at much as her actions.

Well that's what's really confusing.  Her words and actions matched up until literally out of nowhere it all changed.

[AR4441]

I have no idea if this girl is pretty much normal and despite her words and actions of love and commitment she just suddenly realized her feelings weren't there, she didn't love me enough anymore, whatever it may have been that she felt she had to break up with me. Or if this girl really does have issues and there is absolutely nothing I could have done and no matter what she did or I did or anything that could have happened between us, the relationship would have ended.

Seeing that this girl was my first relationship, I've never experienced such sudden changes with a significant other before, but more telling for me is I've never heard of it happening to any of my friends either. I went into it thinking she was just another nice, sweet, normal girl. I just thought we had a rare connection and such a great time together and that's what explained things moving rather quickly and all the expressions/actions of affection/love.

Not that I was looking for a relationship when I met her but I was thinking about this today. Prior to her, I never looked at girls I was talking to or hooking up with from the lens of "hmm is this girl relationship material? is the way she's acting/the things she's doing/the things she's saying, indicative of a good girlfriend?". I just didn't think anything of the women in my life. For me, it was fun, it was sex, it was entertaining, etc. I wasn't evaluating. Especially when I think about girls that had boyfriends or were seeing somebody or girls that I knew slept around, I wasn't thinking "wow this girl is messed up, this girl is not relationship material". I didn't think at all, but if I had to guess what my subconscious was registering it was probably something along the lines of "heh I just got laid. she's hot. that was cool."

But maybe if I had thought a bit more about the situation with this girl, I would have avoided her from the get go. We slept together casually multiple times, which hey I'm all for sleep with who you want, but I have 3 sisters and some friends that are girls, when the girls that I know are looking for a relationship, they don't just give it up so easily. Then when she was "hooking up" with this kid I knew for about 3-4 weeks, she slept with me. Sure they weren't official, but I know they were hanging out once or twice a week, probably talking pretty often, and she slept with me. Maybe another indicator for not relationship material? Then she started "dating" some guy from out of town for about a month or month and a half. We saw each other, hooked up but didn't sleep together and even made plans for our first date. She wound up cancelling those plans because she wanted to end things with the other guy first and he was coming for an already planned visit, but still, she's seeing somebody for a month or so and hooks up with me and makes plans with me behind this guys back. Probably should have been another red flag to me right?

Instead of seeing those things as red flags though, I thought she was a nice normal sweet girl. I knew she had one or two serious boyfriends in high school. And I knew she had just ended things with her boyfriend of 3-3.5 years about 8 months earlier. So my thoughts were, she's the type of girl that prefers a relationship, knows how to be in one and maintain one and what it all entails. All the stuff I just wrote in the paragraph above was all due to this amazing connection and I was basically the chosen one that she just couldn't stay away from, wanted to be with more than anybody, that she was just so damn into me nobody could compare and she had to be with me.

One thing that is bothering me SOOOO much right now, and I know this may come off as immature or petty, but understand it's really more a matter of what this means in our times and generation... We dated twice, had a handful of times together in between relationships, every time we did something I planned out such fun cool unique dates and she always said how I spoiled her and she has the best time with me, texting me in the middle of the night how much she loves me, writing me a love poem, all of that, and I'm pretty sure she never posted anything of me or us on social media. Now she's dating this new f***ing kid for a couple of months, he's living with her the last month, and she's posted a whole bunch of stuff of him and them together, and the real kick in the nuts was obviously seeing what she posted today (I know I shouldn't have checked but I just had to know, I must enjoy the pain or something). It's like what is she so much more in love and crazy about this guy than she ever were me? Why didn't she want the world to know about me but she's posting things of her and this new guy all over the place? Did I mean so little to her? How could he possibly mean that much more?

It looks like this kid is getting the absolute best of her. That she's so wildly in love with him that she's doing whatever she can to make this ridiculous long distance relationship work, that she would never do anything to hurt him.

Or maybe that's just a stupid narrative I've created? Maybe she really does have issues. I mean a lot of people have said that, and not just family or friends that will say things like that to make you feel better, a lot of people on different forums have said she's got some mental/emotional problems. And I try to tell myself that too many people have pointed to that for it not to be true. And if that is true, she hasn't done any work on herself because she doesn't even know she has problems and therefore the same pattern will play out and this kid is no different. I mean jeez it was just back in August she was dating somebody else, while sleeping with this boat servant guy for a week behind the other dudes back, took the other dude on a family vacation when she got home, then blindside dumped him stating 2 of the same exact things she said to me as reasons for ending it with him. Then a month later starts this relationship. That wasn't that long ago at all that she was being shady with guys and blindside dumping somebody partly because "he always did what she wanted to do". That was 6 months ago. She hasn't changed at all.

I'm trying to remain focused on myself as much as possible though. And I am excited about the stuff that I'm doing these days. But yea I think about her, I wake up and always think about how I used to wake up with her wrapped around me, I think about what happened, I think about what's happening now

And so funny, well not funny, but I think I mentioned this in a prior post...  I looked at her instagram story to see if she would post some valentines day stuff with him.  Don't know why I'd want to see that, but I had to know.  The first picture is a picture of him kissing or sucking on her breast (his head is covering it so you can't see anything but it's very obvious what's happening) while she's cracking up on a beach from a few yards away.  After some depressing/angry/hurt thoughts, I thought, "Who the hell posts a picture like that??".  And the answer is she does.  Somebody that's not normal.  Listen I'm all for a free spirit, I absolutely loved that about her, and if you want to be topless on a beach with your boyfriend, good for you, but posting a picture like that is something I would think 99% of people would be like wtf is wrong with this girl?  

In between our relationships, when I would hear stuff about what she was doing, and I'd talk to my friend about it, I always found myself saying, what is wrong with this girl?  "She was on a family vacation for 4 days, she just had to have sex with somebody?", "She just had to bring that kid she's barely been dating to her family's vacation home??", "What the hell is she doing bringing her f*** buddy around her family?", "They were on vacation for 10 days, she just HAD to get f***ed?".  I need to somehow get it to really sink in that something is up with this girl.  Like posting thirst trap pictures, posting topless pictures, posting pictures of her boy toy sucking her tit, having a bunch of casual sex with her family around, THIS IS WHO SHE IS.  These are not the antics of a young immature girl that's exploring the world (at least I don't think, you can tell me I'm wrong).  These are things that are just not normal.  I look at my friends girlfriends, fiances, wives, not a single one of them would ever even dream of posting a picture like she has or act in the way she does.  She is not normal.  She has issues.  These things are literally proof of that.  For some reason my emotions do not buy it though.

Or maybe I'm really judgmental and totally wrong about what all this indicates?  Again, tell me