I don't have any experience with mental illness

[Watercolors]

My roommate has been hospitalized twice since I moved in with her 5 months ago. She doesn't qualify for inpatient treatment, because she's not homicidal or suicidal. She's in a grey area of having a serious mental illness and willfully refusing to take medication for it, attend psychiatric appointments, or attend outpatient treatment.

 

The most recent hospitalization was this past week. Everyone involved included me on a text message group about the goal of getting her into inpatient. No one wanted to pick her up when they released her yesterday, so she took a cab home. She acted like she'd been gone on vacation when she saw me, as if nothing weird had happened. Maybe to downplay the seriousness for us both? I don't know.

 

So, it makes me feel VERY awkward to be part of this with a complete stranger as her roommate. I don't even know her. I was referred to her by a mutual friend (who clearly has questionable motives with her friendship to me, for not disclosing this about my roommate prior to me moving in).

 

When I met my roommate she seemed normal to me. No one warned me that I would be walking on eggshells, wondering why she won't leave her room to go to work (she doesn't work right now), or socialize (she never talks to me).

 

Her family and friends have enabled her to continue this way for 5-6 years. She and I continue to be utter strangers, yet because of these two hospitaiizations I've learned more about her mental health history than I really want to know. I don't know why she's been like this for so long. I just want to stop walking on eggshells and be able to relax in the room I'm renting until I can find a full-time job and a place of my own.

[Foxhall]

have you tried offering the hand of friendship, offering her some dinner that you made, or some ice cream or something,

 

try to break the ice, bit of kindness towards her,

 

this vacation thing you could have played along with that, act like a listening ear to whatever fantasy story she came up with,

 

Not saying I would be any good at it, but I would be interested in the challenge of trying to get someone like that to talk,

 

hmmn, cannot draw blood from a stone either I suppose, Id imagine get out of there if you are unable to make any breakthrough with her.

[spiritedaway2003]

^^ Also, don't talk to her about her hospitalizations unless she feels comfortable bringing it up herself. Unfortunately, there is still a lot stigma around mental illnesses. Since you said you're walking on eggshells, it doesn't seem like you're comfortable around her (and that's understandable).

 

You certainly don't have to go above and beyond, just the previous poster of "offering the hand of friendship" is very nice (if you want to), even if just acknowledging that she's there and just asking if she's alright. She's still a fellow human being. Everyone needs some compassion in their lives and it seems like she's just gone through some pretty low moments in hers. It must have felt pretty crappy that no one wanted to pick her up after her hospitalizations.

 

Of course, do only what you're comfortable with. If you are the type of roommate that like to retreat to your room and don't interact with your roommate, that's OK too. But just because she has mental illness (assuming she's not in a episode) doesn't mean she won't appreciate a bit of kindness and concerns.

 

Just be as normal as you can be. People don't wanted to be treated differently just because they are dealing with an illness.

[Watercolors]

Thanks for your replies, @Foxhall and @spiritedaway2003. Have either of you ever lived with seriously depressed roommate before?

 

The thing is, I HAVE shown her kindness and compassion yet with very clear boundaries. At first, I would make myself dinner and ask her if she wanted some. If she did, I'd bring it to her in her room. Now, after this second hospitalization well, I tell her I've made dinner and that leftovers are in the fridge.

 

I spent my own money to have Orkin come out and find the source of her mice infestation after I cleaned out the nest I found underneath her kitchen sink, b/c I started noticing mice poo everywhere in her kitchen; behind the microwave, all over her kitchen counters, etc. and since I live there, I was not about to just ignore this problem the way she has.

 

Other than offering her food, I have kept her house clean, fed her cat, bought cat litter, etc. and pay my half of her mortgage as rent.

 

Remember, I just transitioned from being my mother's caregiver for this past year. I did not expect I would be moving into a roommate situation, where I'd essentially be doing caregiving all over again to a roommate who is mentally ill.

 

I don't really want to be her friend, Foxhall. Not in the slightest. She never makes any effort to leave her bedroom; that's her hub where she spends all day watching tv, texting with her friends and previous work colleagues, ex-husband and son and who knows who else.

 

She has a circle of enablers (friends) who bring her food as well (she lets most of their donated meals rot in her refrigerator too, fyi) every day. Her ex-husband took away her car again tonight (I don't know why he does this and I'm not going to ask). Her sister pays her mortgage and she did not deposit the last 3 months of my rent checks. So I have to Paypal her sister my rent checks now.

 

It's mentally depressing and exhausting to be around someone like her, especially when its not my job to be her caregiver. I'm just her roommate. I'm not a jerk, either. But, this is not my job to take care of her. She's 55 years old and I'm 48.

 

If she has been this way since she's 49, there is clearly something causing this abnormal behavior and why she lost custody of her son, why she can't function or work a normal job. But, since I'm not her friend but just her roommate, I don't want to take care of her. I have my own life to sort out. You know?

 

I'm just looking to hear from people who live with, or have lived with a seriously depressed roommate and ways they coped and helped themselves.

 

Because, you absorb the energy of the people around you. And, so far, I can't be around her house b/c its just so depressing. She keeps her house pitch black.

 

(God forbid I turn on a light, that means she will come out of her bedroom to turn it off. If I turn on the outside light when I leave for my temp job in the morning (since its winter now, it gets darker by 4:30 pm), she'll turn off her outside light. The woman hates lights. Little does she know, that whether or not you turn lights on, you still get charged an electricity bill.)

 

I have to see a therapist now, which I didn't before, to vent to about this horrible situation. It's super depressing to be around someone who is living like this.

 

I actually admire her friends for having boundaries and not picking her up from her hospitalization. She's essentially taking advantage of them, by burdening them with this routine of constantly going to the hospital and yet refuses to do any treatment.

 

I know that one of her friends brought her some clothes. She never called me during both hospitalizations to check on her house or her cat. I'm negligible as in, since we're utter strangers and I just rent from her, she has no emotional investment in me as a person.

 

The group text discussion this time around that I was included in, was such that her friends vented to each other, about how she has been doing these hospitalizations for years, with no effective results.

 

They expressed both concern and frustration that despite their efforts to help her. She thwarts everyone by refusing to help herself. She won't do therapy after, or take any medication prescribed to her by the hospital psychiatrist.

 

Where do you draw the line with adults like her? When do you say 'no' to save your own mental health? Her neighbor texted me that she won't bring my roommate meals anymore b/c of the fact that my roommate just lets the food rot in her refrigerator.

 

When my roommate was in the hospital last week, I cleaned out her refrigerator and cupboards thinking I was being kind, b/c her food had mold on it. I won't buy her groceries.

 

I texted her sister that if she wanted me to feed her sister/my roommate, she'd need to deduct my rent which I think is reasonable.

 

I'm trying to save money to move out. If I spend it on my roommate, I"ll be stuck here forever. I don't think I'm a bad person just because I don't want to be her friend or have boundaries where I won't let her take advantage of me. But I'm really mentally exhausted.

[nospam99]

If you are in the US, there may be a Department of Social Services that can require her to be placed in a group home. Get a report from the Orkin man to document that she neglected her 'activities of daily living' resulting in a vermin infestation - DSS can use that for leverage with the family court judge.

[vla1120]

I would get out of there as soon as possible. The fact that there was a mouse infestation (depending on where you live) is reason enough to break a lease.

 

My 30yo daughter has anorexia, depression, anxiety, and was diagnosed manic depressive. She does not believe in medication and chooses meditation and yoga instead because of the stigma attached to mental illness. She has been dealing with this mental illness since the age of 14 (when the anorexia started.) Both doctors, therapists, and I have tried to reason with her that refusing to treat mental illness with medication is no different than having diabetes, but refusing insulin. She disagrees. Since she's 30 years old, I have no choice but to allow her to live her life and also live with the consequences of her choices.

 

Once I stopped putting a safety net under her and forced her to live with the consequences of her actions (like crashing her car into a telephone pole in a drunken suicide attempt, totaling the car, and me telling her there was nothing I could do to help, she'd have to figure out a way to find transportation to work, etc., because I was done.) The funny (not funny) thing about that incident was that when the police showed up, I told them she was drunk (she had called me BEFORE she totaled the car to tell me to "meet her at the pole" - she had run another car into this same pole while drinking a few years before.) I told them I wanted her arrested for drunk driving. They were disgusted with me and thought I was being unnecessarily harsh and had sympathy for her, not me (nor my 2nd totaled car on this same telephone pole.) I am happy to say that she is doing much better today. It might be because she is living under my roof and I have rules, regardless of her age. That is not your situation, however.

 

The consequence of your roommate's choice not to treat her mental illness is to lose you as a roommate, and possibly lose her house. While there are services that might help her, it is NOT your responsibility to seek services nor treatment for her. Again, you have every right to live in a drama-free environment. She is not your responsibility.

[vla1120]

I also wanted to add that I have a friend who is always asking me to find a roommate for her. No way! She, like your roommate, has mental and emotional issues, she has a son who is a drug addict and often steals from her, she has a revolving door of men going in and out of her house. I could never, in good conscience, recommend someone to live with her. If you have a friend that knowingly recommended you for this roommate situation, you don't need anymore "favors" from them!

[carhill]

She and I continue to be utter strangers

Since you're a boarder, no problem keeping that way. It's space for money, not a social invitation.

 

 

 

I took care of a mentally ill person for about four years, then managed her care in a locked institution for another four or so until she died. She thought people lived in the air conditioning vents and got caught running naked down the street a couple times. She wasn't a roommate, rather my mother, so of course I stepped up. No way would I waste my time and sanity on another unknown human like that. That's what social services and paid professionals are for. Do your rooming thing with an eye on getting out at your first convenience if the landlord is sideways or nuts. Save yourself.

[alphamale]

My 30yo daughter has anorexia, depression, anxiety, and was diagnosed manic depressive. She does not believe in medication and chooses meditation and yoga instead because of the stigma attached to mental illness. She has been dealing with this mental illness since the age of 14 (when the anorexia started.) Both doctors, therapists, and I have tried to reason with her that refusing to treat mental illness with medication is no different than having diabetes, but refusing insulin. She disagrees. Since she's 30 years old, I have no choice but to allow her to live her life and also live with the consequences of her choices.

 

as she gets older her bipolar will become worse so at some point it will come down to taking medications or dying...

[RecentChange]

If I were you I would be looking hard for an alternative place to live.

 

This situation isn't stable nor healthy for you. Living with someone who is mentally ill to this extent will tax YOUR mental health, as you are already discovering.

 

She isn't going to get better anytime soon, and if she is incompetent and not paying bills - I wouldn't count on her owning that house forever.

 

Sooner or later you are going to have to find an alternative to this.

[vla1120]

as she gets older her bipolar will become worse so at some point it will come down to taking medications or dying...

 

I agree. Sadly, I have resigned myself to losing her at a young age. I certainly hope that will not be the case, but I have to prepare myself. Either that, or she will be residing with me for the rest of my life. She never saw herself making it to 30 years old. She’s had 6 suicide attempts that I am aware of, but not one for the past two years, so there’s that.

 

She‘s my daughter, so I have a responsibility to care for her. The OP has no responsibility for her roommate, which is my main point. If I were her, I would separate myself from the situation ASAP.

[Ellener]

'I'm just looking to hear from people who live with, or have lived with a seriously depressed roommate and ways they coped and helped themselves.'

 

I live in a shared house with an older lady who has a number of issues I am reluctant to label, except to say she has little insight into things she does being weird ( her older daughter said 'quirky' but it's more like first stage dementia to me )

 

I have put a keyed lock on my room door and don't allow anyone to disturb my sleep ( her younger daughter is there too for a few more weeks ) and I insist on boundaries like they must close their bedroom doors when sleeping and I keep the bathroom ( currently shared with daughter ) to my standard of cleanliness. When we got a cockroach infestation I insisted she stop leaving food around, and I made sure it was treated, she was using a 'green' guy and it was ineffective. But she does forget basic things and I have got annoyed a few times- like when my sleep got disturbed a few nights.

 

Otherwise I try to be kind, I stop and chat and have given her little gifts and been gracious about her gifts to me ( I don't eat the food but am tactful ) She thrives on lots of positive encouragement and is doing well currently, but if I am correct in my observations she will deteriorate over time physically and mentally.

 

If it comes to an issue where some weirdness takes over ( eg indoor temperature got to 82 degrees in summer, now is frequently 60 in winter ) I have learned to just kindly but firmly insist on having things my way. I don't share the bills- just hand over my fair share, and my part of the house is now cut off from the a/c and heating as it was just too irritating to be boiling hot one minute freezing the next! The owners are aware and sympathetic and want me to stay.

 

I have an open mind about that, as you say, don't want to internalize negativity or compromise my own happiness.

 

But I know what it's like to have mental illness, and actually my assertiveness and people skills are the better for this experience. And I enjoy seeing her coping and doing positive things.

 

I don't see her or the situation as my responsibility and I'm very aware of my own boundaries and that this is unlikely to be a long-term arrangement.

 

It is what it is, the world is full of people with problems. Creative solutions or move on is what I tell myself. About a lot of things

 

Interesting the pitch black, here it's the opposite, she wants all the lights on. I installed automatic solar security lights as a gift to the owners who are friends of mine, or it would be too bright by my balcony to sleep! I also installed smoke detectors (she didn't like that- called it my phobia of fire ) and removed a key-locking deadbolt and addressed a few other safety issues.

 

Since she's the owner your situation is a bit different, but at the end of the day your leverage is the same: 'I'll find somewhere else and you can find another room mate'.

 

Good luck!

[preraph]

I have lived with two people who were mentally ill.  One didn't bother to tell me when she moved in.  Then later she just freaked out all at once, after a couple of weeks of having a friend stay there with her, and just left me responsible for the entire apartment rent.  

 

The other was a longer term one, and she caused some social and apartment problems, but she was worth it until later in life.  

 

You just need to get out of there.  Let whoever is her family deal with this.