Closing the distance - nervous

[Maplewaffle]

Hey there,

 

 

Me (21F) and my partner (21M) are planning on closing the distance in 2 months. It is a big step for me mainly because I am the one leaving behind my job, my family and my friends. I will be moving to him. We are young, inexperienced and obviously a bit stupid sometimes so I came here to ask for opinions. Feel free to share yours!

 

We met a year ago on Tinder. I was on Tinder for the heck of it, only met one guy aside from my partner, he was casually looking, hoping to find the right girl. Our relationship has been wonderful, although there were many red flags in the beginning. I almost cut him out of my life but for whatever reason I still wanted to see where it went.

 

The red flags:

 

1. He ranted about his ex sometimes. She cheated on him with half the city, he had a real STD scare and he was used 100%. He met her in a more poor country where he moved to for some time, he's from Germany himself. A strong wealthy country, he felt like a king there. He was very angry at her and eventually I told him that enough of the rants, if you're still attached to her, I won't get involved. After that the rants stopped and as of today, he is completely indifferent towards her. He says that it was simply pure hate from his part, and in a way I obviously understand. The way she treated him was horrible. But my ex was a real psycho as well and out of respect for my partner, I never ranted or really said anything unless I was asked to. He had been broken up with her for 6 months when we met on Tinder, it took us another 1.5 months to meet in person.

 

2. After our first meeting, he told me he loved me and that he feels exclusive towards me. I was shocked and convinced that I was a rebound. It happened too fast. So I kept my feelings locked up and just decided to enjoy his company.

 

3. Drugs. He lived a completely different life before me. He did drugs sometimes, although he called it "controlled use", meaning he was never addicted. He partied a lot, he said it almost got out of hand sometimes. Thanks to that I also didn't let myself get too involved at the start. After I showed my disapproval of drugs, he completely stopped being involved with them.

 

Then suddenly he started changing somehow. He calmed down a lot. He is very VERY honest with me, even too honest sometimes. Now he is in England, finishing uni and planning on continuing with masters next year. He is productive, hitting the gym, he draws. We meet after every 2 weeks usually, we are broke all the time thanks to that but we are making it work. I know the beginning of this relationship sounds chaotic and ridiculous and I have no idea what made me stay, but he has made a complete 180. He tells me that he is so grateful for having met me because he has matured a ton and I gave his life a good direction again, he was very lost and unhappy before. He knows how much I see in him (he is very creative, talented and clever) and he said he aspires to be just that - the man I see him as.

 

I have never heard of a guy like him. I do not know why I stayed, I guess out of curiosity but it turned out to be an amazing relationship - we have been to so many places, we have seen so many things, been completely broke and struggled with all kinds of things life has thrown at us, but we made it. He respects me a lot and loves me even more.

 

The only issue is his impulsiveness - he is very emotional sometimes. If we fight he often has severe panic attacks, sometimes his nose starts to bleed. A few days ago we ALMOST broke up. It was over nothing, but some really mean things were said by him. Some really really mean things. He has expressed remorse and promised to never do it again. He sticks to his promises but 2 months before I'm supposed to move, I feel uneasy now. I am still very hurt and I never forget such things, although I have forgiven him.

 

I am 21 and still need to learn a ton. I believe moving to England will do just that for me - I will put myself out of my comfort zone and I will become completely independent. Life still has a lot to teach me. But I am nervous still. A lot of people are excited for me because I am moving out of my tiny country at 21 all by myself, but what if something goes wrong..

[ajequals]

As I young woman I feel you need to stay close to family, they are your support group when needed. chasing this guy on tinder shouldn't even be a choice. keep looking close to home..besides Men should be chasing you. Yes I'm dating myself

[Maplewaffle]

As I young woman I feel you need to stay close to family, they are your support group when needed. chasing this guy on tinder shouldn't even be a choice. keep looking close to home..besides Men should be chasing you. Yes I'm dating myself

 

I'm not chasing, I'm committed. My family and I aren't all that close to begin with and, if it counts for anything, my partner was definitely the one chasing me from the start, now we are both "equally committed and in the relationship", I suppose.

 

I am kind of a free spirit and want to experience everything, I don't want to sit in my tiny city with wealthy parents and live off of them. That's the reason why England itself sounds like a wonderful idea. I want to look back at myself one day and be glad.

Edited December 2, 2019 by Maplewaffle

[elaine567]

If you decide to go and I guess you will, then make sure you have a very good escape plan.

He has an "emotional", unstable side, and he has said very mean things about you. These are not good signs and may be a sign that abuse is on the cards here.

Once he has you isolated and alone in a foreign country then you will be extremely vulnerable.

SO, if you do go, do not burn bridges with old friends, your parents and relatives as you may need them to get you out of there if things go pear shaped.

 

Personally I would not go anywhere with a man I hardly know (you only see him every 2 weeks) with a chaotic history and a man who ranted about his ex and who got very mean to you when angry.

Red flags.

 

At 21 you have been with a "psycho ex" and now you have "put up with" this guy. What attracts you to these "challenging" men?

[Maplewaffle]

If you decide to go and I guess you will, then make sure you have a very good escape plan.

He has an "emotional", unstable side, and he has said very mean things about you. These are not good signs and may be a sign that abuse is on the cards here.

Once he has you isolated and alone in a foreign country then you will be extremely vulnerable.

SO, if you do go, do not burn bridges with old friends, your parents and relatives as you may need them to get you out of there if things go pear shaped.

 

Personally I would not go anywhere with a man I hardly know (you only see him every 2 weeks) with a chaotic history and a man who ranted about his ex and who got very mean to you when angry.

Red flags.

 

At 21 you have been with a "psycho ex" and now you have "put up with" this guy. What attracts you to these "challenging" men?

 

Thanks for the tip and thanks for reading.

 

My partner isn't exactly a challenging man. The beginning was bizarre to say the least but as of today, things are looking very good. I am not a crazy in love, floating on clouds 21-year old, I'm a very realistic person. I was severely abused in my previous relationship and my partner is aware of that. He would never lay a finger on me and he knows that if the fight from a few days ago repeats itself I will drop him like a hot potato. He said that he thought he'd lost me and wanted to hurt me. Immature, yes. But I feel like I set decent standards and boundaries for myself.

 

I have lived with him for 2 months in England already and we usually spend a week, minimum 3 days together. We don't have the luxury of hopping into our cars and driving over to the other's house to hang out.

 

He has trouble controlling his emotions sometimes, you are completely right about that. That worries me most right now. He also says things that he regrets the next second. There's no filter sometimes and I take things to heart often.

 

I am sure of him now.. I know he is committed, although he still has some maturing to do (truth) and he needs to realise words have consequences. I am sure he loves me genuinely and respects me but I have this "what if" in the back of my mind and I am scared. I will definitely make sure to maintain ties back at home. I wouldn't be here asking if I were 100% sure about this.

 

But I feel like I have to do this either way, my life has come full stop in my country. I sit in a family business all day, without real experience or education to match my job. I'm good at it but this isn't right.

Edited December 2, 2019 by Maplewaffle

[d0nnivain]

This does not sound well thought out.

 

What will you do for work once you get there? if you will spend even one week financially dependent on him, don't go.

 

Do not move from LDR straight to living together. If you want to relocate to his city, fine but get your own place. Date conventionally for at least a year then you can consider cohabitation. If you move him with him directly you have very little say in anything.

 

What's your budget for this move? How will you pay to get you & your stuff there? If things don't work out, will you have enough money to come home again or at least get yourself out of an untenable situation. Do you have a budget? What do you know about the costs of living where you are going? Do you have a plan / savings for coming home to visit every once in a while?

 

If you have no independent interest in moving to him, don't do it. Unless you would be happy there even if he didn't exist, stay put.

[Maplewaffle]

This does not sound well thought out.

 

What will you do for work once you get there? if you will spend even one week financially dependent on him, don't go.

 

Do not move from LDR straight to living together. If you want to relocate to his city, fine but get your own place. Date conventionally for at least a year then you can consider cohabitation. If you move him with him directly you have very little say in anything.

 

What's your budget for this move? How will you pay to get you & your stuff there? If things don't work out, will you have enough money to come home again or at least get yourself out of an untenable situation. Do you have a budget? What do you know about the costs of living where you are going? Do you have a plan / savings for coming home to visit every once in a while?

 

If you have no independent interest in moving to him, don't do it. Unless you would be happy there even if he didn't exist, stay put.

 

Great questions, thank you.

 

I have received my national insurance number which allows me to find work and I can continue my studies if I wish to do so. I have also applied for pre-settled status already, just in case (Brexit). My CV has been accepted by a company in a business park, job-wise I am a-okay.

 

Getting my own place in a different country while technically being broke is not something I can even consider. At this point, the relationship either fails or I move in with him and his roommates in a pretty big house - the roommates also adore me, all four of us lived together for 2 months a little while ago. I will be helping with rent obviously.

 

If things somehow won't work out, I will have enough to get me back "home". But getting there is no question, a cheap Ryanair flight to Edinburgh and a few hours to my city via train.

 

Typing this out, it all sounds ridiculous to me and like I am jumping head first into a lake. But financially I can't just go there, get my own place, figure myself out and "see how it goes". I know I love England either way and I have always wanted to get out of my country, hell I am on cloud nine in England. What I hate is being dependent on him, but realistically, that'd be the only way to do it. Or I stay, we drift apart as we are making money and the relationship fails. Long distance is too damn hard.

[Maplewaffle]

I keep telling myself that if it works out, great, if it doesn't, I'll get a good kick in the butt and I'll learn. Maybe I'm being too careless, I have no idea..

[d0nnivain]

All I can say is if you can't support yourself, don't do it. Living with him & his roommates sounds dreadful.

 

I did an LDR when I was your age. It lived in the NYC area. My BF at the time lived in Southern California. I flew out there regularly & would have relocated. I often used his place as a staging ground from which to interview for jobs but I steadfastly refused to relocate without a job.

 

If your relationship isn't strong enough to withstand the continued distance while you make sure the number work, it doesn't have enough of a foundation to withstand the test of time anyway.

[Maplewaffle]

All I can say is if you can't support yourself, don't do it. Living with him & his roommates sounds dreadful.

 

I did an LDR when I was your age. It lived in the NYC area. My BF at the time lived in Southern California. I flew out there regularly & would have relocated. I often used his place as a staging ground from which to interview for jobs but I steadfastly refused to relocate without a job.

 

If your relationship isn't strong enough to withstand the continued distance while you make sure the number work, it doesn't have enough of a foundation to withstand the test of time anyway.

 

Thanks for making me think of both sides of this.

 

I will let this sink in. Right now I have no idea what I'm going to do. He will fly to me in a few days, right now I am a bit closed up with him anyway, all thanks to the things that were said some days ago.

 

My gut is telling me something and I really don't want to ignore it. I'll let it sink in.

[haikss3]

Well from the start it sure don't seem as big red flag for me to talk about ex, especially if you haven't met and ex hurt him a lot. But it sure sounds great that new relationship with you gave him motivation to change and become better man.

 

But now it seems like red flag when he gets angry easily. So you have forgiven him, but you should talk it over anyway how hurtful it was and that you don't forget these things. Cause relationship is so strong as strong is communication. Sure he is young and can change for better in that regard too but it takes work and time. It sounds like you are emotionally stable but guy needs to be treated gently. When he gets mad tell him to say word: Love. If he says it he will relax or he will not be able to say it.

[Foxhall]

"the grass is not always greener on the other side"

 

I dont know you are putting a lot of faith in this guy, not meaning to be negative but head says this may not work out for you,

 

it will be a completely different ball game shacking up with him supposedly long term and then you have his buddies there also??

 

you could end up being quite isolated over there,

 

 

then again it is good for you to flee the nest make your own mistakes and live life and learn,

it is good you have your own job lined up

 

Im guessing you will let heart rule head here, but good to have a bold streak,

 

as others say be sure you have an escape route though and most importantly do not let him manipulate you or have power over you.

[clia]

The only issue is his impulsiveness - he is very emotional sometimes. If we fight he often has severe panic attacks, sometimes his nose starts to bleed. A few days ago we ALMOST broke up. It was over nothing, but some really mean things were said by him. Some really really mean things. He has expressed remorse and promised to never do it again. He sticks to his promises but 2 months before I'm supposed to move, I feel uneasy now. I am still very hurt and I never forget such things, although I have forgiven him.

 

Please think long and hard about dropping everything in your life and moving to live with a man who says "really, really mean things" to you. I promise you it will not be the last time, no matter what he says or how much he apologizes. It is not a normal part of a relationship for your significant other to be saying really, really mean things to you.

 

If you want to move to London for your own reasons, go for it, but I beg you, do not move in with him immediately. Rent a room somewhere so that you have your own space, date him normally for awhile, but do not leap into moving in with him. You really don't know him -- you've been long distance. I know you've spent some time with him, but it wasn't "real life." You need to see him in normal, everyday situations, with everyday life stresses to observe how he acts -- especially given his past acts.