She was the Other Woman

[SMB1990]

Hey Everyone,

 

I've been seeing someone new and she's been amazing towards me, she has however been very open and revealed she's slept with Married Men earlier this year, even around 2 months ago. So I might be overthinking a bit about this but would her past actions make her more liable to cheat? or am I paranoid?

 

She's also wanting a relationship and has been for a while - if that information helps?

 

Thank You

[somanymistakes]

Eh. It's hard to say.

 

If she was a single woman sleeping with married men, it doesn't necessarily mean she'll cheat when in a real relationship. A single OW isn't cheating herself, after all.

 

It does suggest she has less respect for social norms and doing things just because the law says they're right, but that's not that rare these days. Some people follow all the rules because they feel that they should. Some people will bypass speed limits and take the occasional drug because they feel that they know better. Driving faster than the speed limit doesn't mean you'll break EVERY law, it just means you're willing to ignore the rules if you don't think they apply in this situation.

 

While no person is a mindless stereotype, single OWs often break down into two categories: the ones who are horny enough not to care, and the ones who are romantic enough not to care. The first type just wants to get laid, and a married man may be a perfectly good source of easy sex and presents and no strings... until she starts wanting a relationship.

 

The second type gets swept off her feet by believing that her relationship with the MM is special and transcends the rules (and often gets her heart broken when she finds out she's just being used).

 

At a guess yours sounds more like the first type. She was down for some fun with married guys, but that never lasts, and now she'd like to look for something more lasting.

[PegNosePete]

She didn't technically cheat since she was single at the time, however sleeping with married men is not a good character trait. If it was a 1-off then I'd let it slide as just a poor decision. If it's more frequent then I'd probably conclude she has low moral fibre, and people with low moral fibre are more likely to cheat. If that's the case then I'd want to know why she repeated that behaviour before going any further with her.

[schlumpy]

How about some context on how this subject was broached?

 

Is it likely you would have found out from a third party and so she decided on a preemptive strike?

 

Did she bet house on the idea that you would be impressed by her total honesty?

 

I think your answer lies in her motivations for telling you.

[SMB1990]

If it's more frequent then I'd probably conclude she has low moral fibre, and people with low moral fibre are more likely to cheat. If that's the case then I'd want to know why she repeated that behaviour before going any further with her.

 

Yes, that makes sense and makes me uncomfortable going out with her. I'm going to dig a bit deeper.

[SMB1990]

How about some context on how this subject was broached?

 

Is it likely you would have found out from a third party and so she decided on a preemptive strike?

 

Did she bet house on the idea that you would be impressed by her total honesty?

 

I think your answer lies in her motivations for telling you.

 

We were chatting about our past and what we were doing before we met, we've both been very open.

[elaine567]

It is not only potential cheating that can be the problem

Some single women see/"date"/sleep with married/attached guys as they have issues with commitment and a married guy poses no threat. He has no intention of leaving his wife/partner/gf and that suits her just fine.

 

You really need to suss out the circumstance before you can make an assessment, was she just a naive innocent "victim", or a calculating, devious, "b^tch" ... or something in between.

[SMB1990]

It is not only potential cheating that can be the problem

Some single women see/"date"/sleep with married/attached guys as they have issues with commitment and a married guy poses no threat. He has no intention of leaving his wife/partner/gf and that suits her just fine.

 

You really need to suss out the circumstance before you can make an assessment, was she just a naive innocent "victim", or a calculating, devious, "b^tch" ... or something in between.

 

Since I've posted this it has really got to me that I could get cheated on

 

She knew what she was doing, didn't feel bothered by it, I wouldn't say devious b*tch, nether victim...she just didn't care

 

She told the other Men that were Married or not that she was also looking for a serious relationship and she's found that in me, we're very close, things between us have been amazing but obviously last night I felt it all caught up with me and I'm seeing clearly now...I want to truly believe things will be alright but my instinct tells me I should be wary

[Piddy]

It would be a red flag for me. I doubt she'd like it if she were married and another woman slept with her husband knowing he was married. I think it shows a lack of empathy and integrity. Also shows poor judgement and selfishness.

 

Not character traits I would admire.

[somanymistakes]

Since I've posted this it has really got to me that I could get cheated on

 

... this really feels like you're focusing on the wrong end of it IMO.

 

She's not really much more likely to cheat on you than anyone else is. She could. ANYONE could.

 

You don't know that she's a cheater. What you DO know is that she's someone who doesn't have a problem with helping others cheat.

 

Judge her for what she's actually done, not for your paranoia about what she might do in the future.

 

Look at it this way. She slept with married men and didn't care about whether or not it hurt their wives feelings because that didn't directly affect her, right? If you don't care about those actions but ONLY care about whether or not she might cheat on you, then you have pretty much the same moral standard: you don't care if other people's feelings were hurt because that doesn't directly affect you.

[MountainGirl111]

I think it says a lot about her character that she would knowingly sleep with a married man.. 

 

You're not in a long term committed relationship with her yet.....this is the time for getting to know another person's moral fiber. It would be different if she didn't know he was married, then stopped seeing him as soon as she found out he was married. 

There's a reason you're here? Otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to bring this up here. What is it they say? "If you have to ask....."

 

If you have to ask.....the red flag is already raised and waving in the wind....I'm not saying she is a bad person or anything like that. She was honest with you about the fact she slept with a married man/

 

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

When people offer this type of truth, it is usually because something more than this happened and they are relying that you are shocked enough by the statement to not dig deeper.

 

If I had to guess on what that truth would be, I would guess that she is knowingly still seeing this guy or guys and might even enjoy it.

 

I don't know, it is a difficult assessment to make, but all you can really do is just jump in and see if you touch bottom or not.

[FMW]

You have doubts, listen to them.  You're not doing either of you any favors by staying in the relationship.  You don't need to be in a relationship where you don't trust your partner and she doesn't need to be with someone who looks down on her.