Jase1980 Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 I need some advice on how I should handle this when it happens, not only so that I can help her get through what is going to be a very difficult time for her and this is honestly what I primarily want the advice for, but also so that I don`t make things worse in my aim of hopefully get her back at some point. My wife and I (10 years married, 2 kids) have been separated for about 6 months now but still have a lot of contact with each other because of the kids and we are on good terms. It was her wish to separate and she sees it as a permanent decision and she is steadfast in this. No affairs, no violence, etc I had high level work related anxiety and stress for the last year or two and the way I had been during this time has totally killed her in-love feeling for me that she can’t get back. For the first 3 months of the separation I chased, begged, pleaded, etc and this of course pushed her further away, for the past 3 months I practically haven’t done this at all apart from probably the odd slip up at times but she still seems to be getting further away from me. She is under no illusions though that I still love her and that I would always be open to getting a second chance. Any issues I had leading up to her leaving me have practically vanished due to the awakening I had from what it has all caused. I`ve had therapy and I’ve really sorted myself out and realised what`s important and what`s not worth worrying about at all. However her dad, who I have always been very close with and still am, is now coming towards the end of his life due to an ongoing illness he has had for a few years now and he could go any day now. I am absolutely devastated that I cant be “fully” there for her like I really want to be for this, and unless she surprises me after it happens then she doesn’t look like she will be leaning on me too much during this time either. Basically I’m looking for advice on what I should do, how I should be with her during this time without it looking like to her that I am doing it to try and win her back. Her dad means a lot to me as well and she knows this only too well, so I am going to be grieving him as well once it happens. She and her dad are as close as a father and daughter can be and this is going to absolutely kill her when he passes away. As I said before my primary goal is absolutely help her through this time as much as I can because I love her and she is the mother of my kids, but at the same time I am still holding out some hope that she might possibly consider us reconciling somewhere down the line and I am fearful that me trying to do too much / not trying to do enough during this heartbreaking time for her is going to do away with any chance that might remain of her even considering it. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 What's living on hopium gotten you so far? Don't use her father dieing as a way to get back in and chase some more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 Be supportive of course, but don't use this as an opportunity to get her back. That might backfire badly - losing her father is a life-changing event, she will resent you if she feels you are using it to sway her decision about your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jase1980 Posted December 2, 2019 Author Share Posted December 2, 2019 What's living on hopium gotten you so far? Don't use her father dieing as a way to get back in and chase some more. It`s not that at all man, this is about me wanting to doing as best as I can for her during this time because I love her and I also love her dad. Just so happens it`s gonna happen at a time where yeah i do still hold out some hope as it`s still early days, so I certainly don`t want to be ruining any slim hope there might still be during the most traumatic event of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 all you can do is be there for her when needed. As for her dad. Go talk to him. tell him how you feel about him ..I lost my father-in-law a few years back and for me the best thing I did was tell him how I felt about him.. he was my dad as much as my dad was..All you can do is be the best person you can ,every day Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 Help your kids deal with their grandfather's death. If you can get her to spell out her expectations do that Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jase1980 Posted December 2, 2019 Author Share Posted December 2, 2019 Be supportive of course, but don't use this as an opportunity to get her back. That might backfire badly - losing her father is a life-changing event, she will resent you if she feels you are using it to sway her decision about your marriage. I`m not going to do that at all, and i don`t want it to even look like that so that`s why I`m on asking. Like I said before, this is me looking for a way to support her and be there as best as i can in my new role as separated-husband but still a son-in-law to a guy I care about very much Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jase1980 Posted December 2, 2019 Author Share Posted December 2, 2019 all you can do is be there for her when needed. As for her dad. Go talk to him. tell him how you feel about him ..I lost my father-in-law a few years back and for me the best thing I did was tell him how I felt about him.. he was my dad as much as my dad was..All you can do is be the best person you can ,every day Yeah i`ve done that with him, probably more than anyone else has with him tbh. He has always been there for us and he knows how much I think about him and how sorry I am that the last couple of years have been difficult for his daughter. He`s pretty upset about the separation as well and believes we could have worked it out if we had stayed together and worked on it. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 Tough situation to be in. Just let her know that you would be there for when she needs you to be there. Be there for her and your kids when needed. I think that's all you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 Leave it to her to reach out if she wants your support. she may rightly view this as you using this opportunity to have more contact with her and try to butter her up. and I can't tell you how many people I've seen right here on Love shack doing just that sort of thing. so whether that is your motive or not it may be seen as your motive so you need to leave it up to her to reach out if she needs help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 Great advice in the above posts.. I went thru something similar and I asked my attorney at the time what would be appropriate and he said, you are still married, she is still your wife so anything would be appropriate.. remember she is still a human being and deserves compassion at this point in her life with her Dad dying. Unless you are told something by her or her family what to do or not do then I would treat it as if you are still married... but like the advice above says.. don't use this in any fashion other than showing compassion towards your Mothers Children and another human. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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