How to cope with non-empathetic family?

[SurvivingForOne]

I’m 27, in debt, can’t leave yet because credit score is garbage and I have chronic depression. My greatest dream is to be left alone by my family, who just wants to keep me here to help pay for their stuff and clean up after them when all I want is to live on my own. They don’t even support me in that. I became recently engaged and when I told them (mom and stepdad), mom was just sort of horrified and stepdad looked up from his phone looking annoyed. They just don’t care about my happiness and I am at a loss for what to do.

 

To summarize, my mom married my biological father despite tons of red flags and stayed with him for about 22 years, until I mustered up the courage to tell her that on top of my dad being alcoholic, abusive, and very violent, he sexually abused me from the age of 6 to 17. This man was the devil to me and I was always so terrified of him that I could not say anything to anyone. Anyways, he was sent to jail, and it was very difficult for my 22 year old self to cope at the time after finally being free of him. My mother didn’t care about how I felt and just wanted me to immediately try to help her out with money, but I fell into a deep depression and went to therapy. I was afraid of men obviously because of my father and other guys who attempted to take advantage of me as a teen (most of them from HIS side of the family, gross) but my mom immediately wanted to replace him with someone else.

 

She PROMISED me that she would only bring men around only if me and my siblings were comfortable with him, and that he wouldn’t move in unless I was comfortable. That never happened. Despite her knowing how I felt about male strangers, my soon-to-be stepdad moved into our house and I was just devastated. That process took about 2 years. I’ve never felt so betrayed and tossed aside more than I did at that moment. My stepdad has never stopped making me feel uncomfortable. He makes weird sexual innuendos about me and my fiancée, and even once commented on my body (gained some weight) after my mom invited him to. Luckily I met the perfect guy and we dated for more than a year, he is the only man I don’t feel uncomfortable with even in the slightest, and is very understanding and our communication is strong. He has one semester left before he finishes college and then will join the Air Force. The only thing I’m looking forward to is moving in together with him and getting married.

 

I don’t know how to cope with my family and I know that I just don’t belong there with them. I really want to move out, but even keeping a job is difficult with depression and I’ve been working for over 5 years until now. I got kicked out of my room because they brought my stepdad’s daughter from another country and now I’m in a small room with my younger brother. There are other details but the story would be way too long. Any questions would be welcomed, and any advice would be very appreciated.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you've been through all this. Of course you should be paying for your share of rent, utilities and food but if they want extra money from you, you need to say "No". If they want you to clean their mess, say "No". I get that you probably can't afford therapy, but are you at least on antidepressants?

 

Getting on top of your debt is paramount. Are you working? Have you refinanced to the lowest possible interest rate you can find? Have you got a budget which you're sticking to? Does your fiance know about your debt?

[d0nnivain]

I have chronic depression too & know how difficult it can be to function when it's bad. Still my advice is suck it up butter cup. You have to go to work. Find a way. Meanwhile make a budget. If you can't do that on your own, sit down with your FI. Figure out how much money you have & how much you need to move out. Get a 2nd job. Even 10 hours per week at minimum wage if more then you currently have toward fixing your debt. Plus as hard as it is to get moving when you have depression each step forward is a little victory that works better then any pill to counteract the depression. Staying out of the house & away from the non-sympathetic family will also help with depression -- out of sight out of mind.

 

I'm not saying your family is right to that you don't have cause to be upset. I am saying that you are the best person to fix it or get you out of this situation

Edited December 2, 2019 by d0nnivain

[K.K.]

I have chronic depression too & know how difficult it can be to function when it's bad. Still my advice is suck it up butter cup. You have to go to work. Find a way. Meanwhile make a budget. If you can't do that on your own, sit down with your FI. Figure out how much money you have & how much you need to move out. Get a 2nd job. Even 10 hours per week at minimum wage if more then you currently have toward fixing your debt. Plus as hard as it is to get moving when you have depression each step forward is a little victory that works better then any pill to counteract the depression. Staying out of the house & away from the non-sympathetic family will also help with depression -- out of sight out of mind.

 

I'm not saying your family is right to that you don't have cause to be upset. I am saying that you are the best person to fix it or get you out of this situation

 

 

This right here ^ do this!

 

OP, Your post gave me chills. It has to be hell living there. Get up, get to work, and get it done. Rent a room in someone’s house if you have to. You’re already 27 and it’s been going on this long. You have to change this situation and now. Nobody else can do it for you.

Edited December 2, 2019 by K.K.
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[SurvivingForOne]

I'm sorry you've been through all this. Of course you should be paying for your share of rent, utilities and food but if they want extra money from you, you need to say "No". If they want you to clean their mess, say "No". I get that you probably can't afford therapy, but are you at least on antidepressants?

 

Getting on top of your debt is paramount. Are you working? Have you refinanced to the lowest possible interest rate you can find? Have you got a budget which you're sticking to? Does your fiance know about your debt?

 

Thank you for commenting. I’m absolutely fine with helping out with rent and things, but yeah they ask for more and more, and don’t take into consideration the things that are going on in my life.

 

I used to be on antidepressants, which were helping up until I had to change my insurance and it because difficult to find a doctor. In the past, therapy had helped tremendously and I really want to find another therapist soon.

 

Currently, I am not working because I recently quit my overnight job because I was sent to the hospital and was advised to try and find a day job so it won’t impact my health (heart disease runs rampant on my mother’s side).

 

This is the type of advice I was looking for, as no one in my family cares enough to talk me through how to handle debt in the first place. For them- they want me to get a job to help pay for THEIR OWN debt that I have nothing to do with. My fiancée does know about my debt and is willing to help, though I want to be able to help myself first, of course. Basically, I was never taught anything about money, except that my family always needs it.

[SurvivingForOne]

I have chronic depression too & know how difficult it can be to function when it's bad. Still my advice is suck it up butter cup. You have to go to work. Find a way. Meanwhile make a budget. If you can't do that on your own, sit down with your FI. Figure out how much money you have & how much you need to move out. Get a 2nd job. Even 10 hours per week at minimum wage if more then you currently have toward fixing your debt. Plus as hard as it is to get moving when you have depression each step forward is a little victory that works better then any pill to counteract the depression. Staying out of the house & away from the non-sympathetic family will also help with depression -- out of sight out of mind.

 

I'm not saying your family is right to that you don't have cause to be upset. I am saying that you are the best person to fix it or get you out of this situation

 

Thank you for your honesty. I needed to hear this. I’ve been stuck in a vicious cycle that has gone on for far too long. It’s hard to get out of the “Waaa no one was willing to help” phase because that was basically my childhood. And I definitely know it won’t happen over night. It’s just so incredibly frustrating and almost hopeless-feeling because finding the right support seems incredibly difficult.

[SurvivingForOne]

This right here ^ do this!

 

OP, Your post gave me chills. It has to be hell living there. Get up, get to work, and get it done. Rent a room in someone’s house if you have to. You’re already 27 and it’s been going on this long. You have to change this situation and now. Nobody else can do it for you.

 

Absolutely. The funny thing is, I did rent a room in someone else’s house, and it was the BEST 6 months of my life. Complete peace. Time to think. Healing. Then I quickly realized, however, that my life was going nowhere, and I wanted to try to finish college. My only option was to move back in while I did my classes. Near the end of the first semester, my depression came back full swing, had to go to the hospital due to suicidal thoughts and cutting. Afterwards, I miraculously managed to pass my classes with straight A’s, but was unable to continue due to the college not letting me re-enroll because of pre-existing debt from the first time I went to college years ago. My time during the classes was okay for the most part at home, because my parents had no time to be terrible to me since I was busy with classes.

 

The first time, I had to drop out due to overwhelming symptoms of depression (not knowing I had undiagnosed depression, but boy was that hell) and my mom blamed it all on me, even knowing what I went through because of my father, singing me up for all these loans without thinking about what might happen in the future, and has always resented me since for not being that one child she can brag about to other people. Now I just feel stuck trying to deal with the debt, which is probably the biggest thing holding me back.

[basil67]

Regarding learning to manage your debt, a lot of charities have services which can give free advice on everything from budgeting to understanding different loan types and the costs. If your family want more money, you have to tell them that you need it for sorting out your own debt. They won't like being told No, but it's the only way.

 

Hope you find another job soon

[BaileyB]

Ah goodness, there is a lot of tough stuff in your post. I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with all of these things.

 

I would agree, getting your debt under control should be your first priority. You are and adult - 27 years old - there is no need for you to be living with your parents, providing for them financially (to your own detriment), or asking their permission to move out/marry. Life will hopefully feel more manageable when you are able to live independently and establish healthy boundaries with your family.

 

If you are able to connect to a debt counsellor or a free counselling service, that would be ideal. Best wishes. You can do this - it is through our greatest struggles that we find our own strength and resiliency!

[Mr. Lucky]

I don’t know how to cope with my family and I know that I just don’t belong there with them. I really want to move out, but even keeping a job is difficult with depression and I’ve been working for over 5 years until now. I got kicked out of my room because they brought my stepdad’s daughter from another country and now I’m in a small room with my younger brother. There are other details but the story would be way too long. Any questions would be welcomed, and any advice would be very appreciated.

 

SurvivingForOne, I'm afraid the cavalry isn't coming so the only person to save you is you. As others have said, this means getting a job, working on your credit, becoming financially literate and taking responsibility for your own outcome.

 

Your history is tough, but you'll need to put it behind you. I'd start with employment as finances seem to be at the center of your discontent.

 

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you had to quit your job due to health considerations. I commend you for wanting to finish college but for your overall health would it make more sense to get a FT job. move out & take classes PT? Yes it will take longer to get your degree but it may be the healthier / saner option. I went to traditional college -- 4 years, lived there away from home straight out of HS. My husband went in the military & later went to school over the internet PT. He needed to work.

 

Balance & budgeting are both important. If you get your degree but sacrifice your health you gain nothing.