How to talk to relatives who think I'm an insane, Satanic heroin addict?

[LuckyLady13]

Yes, you read that right. Am I those things? No.

 

My immediate family was abusive physically and mentally/emotionally. I have aunts, uncles and cousins who I'm slowly finding out were told incredible and amazing stories about me over the years.

 

My grandmother (the matriarch of the family) also took part in telling these stories.

 

My parents kept me locked up in their apartment except I was allowed to go to school. Other than that, I stayed in my bedroom growing up. I was beaten, screamed at, thrown on the hardwood floor, accused of selling their cocaine to my 6th grade class, told I was fat and lazy at 107 lbs, constantly called an idiot, constantly asked if I'm stupid and I was made out to be a tiny criminal.

 

I would imagine criminals get out of their bedroom once in a while to commit their crimes.

 

My grandmother told me when both sides of my face were jet black with bruising "if you were really abused, you'd be held outside a second story window by your ankles".

 

What I didn't know is I was made out to be crazy to my relatives. When I was bone thin from anorexia (in an attempt to stop getting yelled at for being "fat and lazy"), in order to cover up what was going on, my mother and her mother (my grandmother) and possibly one of my uncles said I was on heroin.

 

Admittedly, I had cheekbones like razors and sunken, black eyes so I looked like a drug addict. It was easy for them to pass off the abuse as me having a fake drug addiction.

 

When I was 16, I was living with a very sweet family that showed me what a real family functions like because my parents lost custody of me for physical abuse. I found out...I apparently ran away with a boyfriend so that's where I was and that's why my relatives hadn't seen me lately.

 

I also found out I was having Satanic rituals in my basement (when I got older and moved out) with...drumroll please...a circle of heroin addicts!

 

I was living an amazing life I didn't know I was living. However, seems my relatives knew all about my fake escapades.

 

The abuse was covered up so thoroughly that none of them had any idea the things that went on.

 

Here I am, a few years after going to the police for a permanent restraining order and started wondering how some of my relatives are doing. They have no idea at all the life I actually lived.

 

I've tried talking to a few of them and the whole situation is so awkward because they genuinely think I'm a crazy drug addict who apparently holds Satanic rituals. My relatives have been convinced for years I'm a disgusting human being.

 

They have no idea my parents were losing custody of me over and over. They don't know everything they were told were lies. They don't know I looked really bad because I was abused, not on drugs. Their idea of things is kind of...backward at this point.

 

My mother harassed me so bad at work I lost my job a few years ago. When she did that, she demanded I pretend to be crazy to get gov't checks. I refused, she threatened me but now I know my family was told I wasn't working because I was too crazy to hold a job.

 

If you're wondering how in the world this went on into my adulthood, the cops told me when I tried to get help that "women aren't a real threat so call us when you have problems with a man". As an adult, I was treated absolutely differently by the cops until I moved to a town that took this situation dead seriously and said I needed to skip the long process of temporary restraining orders and get a permanent one immediately. Until then, my life was a nightmare.

 

My relatives have no idea any of this went on and they probably even thought when I moved and my mother bought a house 1 mile from me, we were getting along so great she had to live right where I lived!

 

They don't know about the times she threatened me if I didn't do everything she wanted. They don't know how hard my grandmother worked to cover up what her daughter was doing to her grandchild.

 

None of these people know me. I'm an absolute stranger to them and a scary sounding one. The idea they have of me is the opposite of who I actually am.

 

Am I wasting my time here? Because...to undo all those years of brainwashing and lies sounds like maybe more than I should bother dealing with. It's not my responsibility to "fix" any of this or spend a lot of time letting these people get to know the real me after years of coverups.

 

What would you do if you were me?

[d0nnivain]

I would simply stop talking to all of these people. If they truly refuse to believe that you were abused, the actual facts probably won't change their minds.

 

Since you are now an adult with a police force backing you up, go get that permanent restraining order.

 

If you haven't had any, get some therapy. It will do you are world of good. Once you feel more settled you can build your own support system & leave these crazy people in the dust.

[preraph]

Your parents lied to them to keep them from coming in close and discovering the abuse. If I were you, I'd steer clear of my whole family and be out on my own.

[RecentChange]

I would say the odds are high that these people are toxic and dysfunctional - after all, these are the people your horrible parents called family. They associate with and believe your parents - which says a lot about their character.

 

And the grandmother? Well she raised a monster - and was probably a monster herself - and who knows, perhaps she learned it from her mother.

 

Abuse tends to be passed down from one generation to the next.

 

Personally I would just remove myself from them. My biological mother grew up in a toxic and abusive home - and it damaged her terribly. Well not only her, her sibling were also toxic and messed up, as was their mother.

 

They aren't good people. They are not the kind of people I need in my life - and honestly I haven't spoken to them in years.

 

I am lucky that my step mom is sane and had a lovely family that has welcomed me.

 

I am really sorry for everything you have been through, sounds just terrible - but it doesn't sound like these people would be healthy for you as you recover and move forward.

[S2B]

I would never speak to any of them again.

 

They could have helped you through those years... and they didnt.

 

Get professional help.

 

How did you meet a boyfriend enough to move with him when you were locked in your room?

[major_merrick]

I would go along with what others have suggested and say you should not talk to those relatives. You don't have anything to prove, so go find some people who really care about you! You are wasting your time trying to convince people who have already made up their minds.

I came from an abusive background...not quite the same as yours, but I dropped contact with people who were no good for me. My parents were first on that list. My grandfather hated me because I'm Russian, so he went on that list too. Unlike you, I actually did get on drugs, so that didn't help my case. But people who cared figured out that drugs didn't make me a failure and that I was perfectly able to clean up. You move out, move on, and make a decent life for yourself. You've already done a large part of that, so keep up the good work!

[The Outlaw]

At this time, it's too little to little to ever hold any type of relationship with any of them at all given what's happened. Steer clear. They're not even remotely worth it.

[nospam99]

If, and only if, I had court or police documentation to back up the circumstances of abuse, I would write a PAPER letter to the most sympathetic and reasonable aunt and/or uncle (maybe two letters to two people if the circumstances justified it). I would

- acknowledge that they had been told lies about me

- explain the circumstances of the abuse

- point out that I had the documentation and

- express my desire to discover if anyone in the family was interested in establishing a relationship with me

 

Give them one, and only one, chance to 'do the right thing'.

[Mr. Lucky]

What would you do if you were me?

 

While I admire your toughness and resiliency, I'm trying to figure why you have any use for these people other than putting them in your rear-view mirror?

 

Based on your description, any caring relative had plenty of time and opportunity to intervene. That they didn't defines them but not you.

 

Look forward and continue the progress you've made. Kudos for overcoming what many could not, don't get sidetracked by something like this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

I agree that it is too late to try to sweep all of this under the rug and move forward with reconciliation. Fortunately, it isn't the blood tie that always makes us family and we can find family through friends and in laws. I would try to put them out of my mind if I were you and never look back.

[LuckyLady13]

Wow! I had to wait until I got to work this morning to have my computer to respond. I don't know how anyone uses their phone and actually sound like they speak comprehendible English.

 

I'm taken back by what you guys said. I'll tell you why. In my life, I have bumped into people who said to me "But she's your mother and she loves you so you should patch things up with her and talk to her!".

 

Right before I moved to a better town that took this seriously, when my mother was demanding I "fool" the social security psychiatrists 3 times to get approved for benefit checks (she said they'd turn me down at least twice first), I refused, told her I was going to work like a normal person, she sent my father to my house to beat me up. She didn't tell my father I refused to fake craziness with the gov't. She told him I hit her! When he showed up at my house, I said "I have not seen her in 3 months and you know I haven't been around so how could I hit her?". He stopped, his eyes glazed over and he just stood still for a minute like a robot that was getting rebooted or re-programmed. He did not say one word to me and left.

 

My mother doesn't love anyone but herself. She certainly doesn't love me or care about me so I'm so shocked by responses from people right now. I have had therapy and I just kind of...assumed the therapist was going to be on my side about things because I'm the one paying. Do you know what I mean?

 

Also, there was a day I was standing in a busy parking lot at a restaurant and my grandmother was demanding in front of people that I hug my mother and when I refused, she said loud enough for everyone to hear her "something is wrong with you because you were never affectionate and you have a mental problem!".

 

...people stared as they walked by. I felt humiliated.

[LuckyLady13]

I would simply stop talking to all of these people. If they truly refuse to believe that you were abused, the actual facts probably won't change their minds.

 

Once you feel more settled you can build your own support system & leave these crazy people in the dust.

 

I really did not expect this response...

[LuckyLady13]

Your parents lied to them to keep them from coming in close and discovering the abuse. If I were you, I'd steer clear of my whole family and be out on my own.

 

My family really made me out to be a monster, mostly my mother but as you said, it was to keep family from being able to be close to me. A lot of people know abusers isolate their victims. My mother also tried to convince me everyone is violent behind closed doors and when people smile and are polite to me, it's superficial and if I got to see them after a family gathering during a holiday when they are being themselves, I'd see the true person, the lunatic. She tried to scare me away from people.

[d0nnivain]

There is nothing wrong with you other then the brain washing these awful people did to you.

 

After you fully separate from them & stop bothering about them, when things have settled down, if you find it in your heart to forgive them because of whatever caused them to be like this, OK fine, you are a better person then most but forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or re-establishing contact. It just means you stop bothering about them. Yes it will be hard at first because this horribleness is all you know & you will feel a bit of a void but once you push past those initial differences you will find peace in your life.

 

When my mother's brother died, mom, my maternal grandmother & I went to the funeral. We were the only mourners. My uncle was gay & they didn't approve so they kept everybody away including his partner of 30+ years. I never met the guy. Anyway, at the graveside my grandmother looks at my mother / her daughter & says why couldn't you have died instead of him? I always loved him. I was horrified & told my grandmother she was a B1tch. My mother told me not to speak to my grandmother like that & I told my mother she had a form of Stockholm syndrome if she thought that was OK. Right then & there at the ripe old age of 17 I vowed to my mother that if she ever treated me half as badly as her mom treated her I would walk away & never look back. My mom was nicer to me after that; not a lot nicer but better. We still had a lot of bumps & skirmishes along the way but I got some insight into why she could be rotten, because that is how she had been treated. It made it easier to roll off my back. My mother continued to take care of my grandmother & I took care of my mom when it was her time. But it wasn't violent the way your family was.

 

You got out. You're free! Let them go. Enjoy the peace in your life that comes from them not being in it.

[Mr. Lucky]

You got out. You're free! Let them go. Enjoy the peace in your life that comes from them not being in it.

 

LuckyLady13, to me this is the biggest takeaway - why go back? What's the upside?

 

You know these people better than anyone, do you think they'll admit wrongdoing and have the capacity for change?

 

The police and social services don't intervene unless there are extreme circumstances, so their involvement speaks volumes. Hate to see you give up any of the progress you made in search of something so worthless...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LuckyLady13]

I would say the odds are high that these people are toxic and dysfunctional - after all, these are the people your horrible parents called family. They associate with and believe your parents - which says a lot about their character.

 

You're right. For people to believe that the dead quiet, polite and caring person they were looking right at could possibly be any of the things my mother said, just always when they weren't around (so mysterious), says a lot about their character. And this is something I didn't think about. Thank you for pointing that out.

 

And the grandmother? Well she raised a monster - and was probably a monster herself - and who knows, perhaps she learned it from her mother.

 

Abuse tends to be passed down from one generation to the next.

 

I do remember my great grandmother calling my second cousin, her granddaughter, a s_ _ t and wh _ re and the family said "well, she just speaks her mind and has no filter". I thought it was very cruel but the family acted as if this is just normal and nothing is wrong here. This is the woman who raised my grandmother.

 

They aren't good people. They are not the kind of people I need in my life -

 

I understand that more than you know right now.

 

I am lucky that my step mom is sane and had a lovely family that has welcomed me.

 

I'm glad to hear that and it gives me some hope for my own future. I may not have a step mom from a lovely family but it gives me hope that I will have more sane people around me in the future.

[LuckyLady13]

I would never speak to any of them again.

 

They could have helped you through those years... and they didnt.

 

Get professional help.

 

How did you meet a boyfriend enough to move with him when you were locked in your room?

 

My relatives had no idea I was always locked in that room. The kids in school kept asking me to go to the mall after school and I'd say "I can't. I'm grounded". Week after week they kept asking me and eventually one girl got so frustrated she yelled "If you can't ever come out of your room or your house, it's impossible to get into any trouble! It's just not possible for someone to constantly be in trouble like this!". Not too long after that, the kids in school saw knuckle marks on my arms (I put my arms up to cover my face so my arms got pretty banged up), and they told the teachers and school principal. My parents lost custody of me temporarily.

 

I don't think my relatives saw the bruises. My grandmother knew everything but aunts, uncles and cousins? I don't think they saw any of it. I'm not 100% sure about that though.

 

When I would sit down for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner with all of my relatives (and also Easter breakfast), I barely said 2 words. I was dead quiet. I didn't want to set my mother off in any way. I've wondered what I would think if I saw a kid who is afraid to speak. Would I think they are being abused? I'm not sure what I'd think because I have so much experience with abuse that I know all the signs. What about someone who might not know the signs? What would they think of my quiet, church mouse behavior? I was absolutely polite, always respectful, kind...

 

They had to know something.

[d0nnivain]

If the kids at school & the teachers saw this your relatives didn't care enough to act. Again, leave them in the dust. Somebody must have seen something because you periodically got taken away. I'm not sure how you got returned but you are out now & you are an adult. Just move forward in your life & don't look back.

[LuckyLady13]

I would go along with what others have suggested and say you should not talk to those relatives. You don't have anything to prove, so go find some people who really care about you! You are wasting your time trying to convince people who have already made up their minds.

 

I don't have anything to prove. That's something I wasn't thinking about yesterday or last week. It wasn't going through my mind.

 

I guess I was feeling like people should know the real me, who I really am but I'm beginning to realize they had to know all along! It's not possible for someone to be so polite, caring, understanding, thoughtful and quiet and be a lunatic when they weren't around. All the stories my mother told. My behavior in front of these people my entire life showed I wasn't a crazy, drug addicted lunatic who can't hold down a job. My behavior showed kindness. Nothing else. Me being too "crazy" to hold down a job was not showing ever at all in front of these people, but they chose to believe it's true? It's as if they wanted to believe something much more dramatic than the truth.

 

 

I came from an abusive background...not quite the same as yours, but I dropped contact with people who were no good for me. My parents were first on that list. My grandfather hated me because I'm Russian, so he went on that list too. Unlike you, I actually did get on drugs, so that didn't help my case. But people who cared figured out that drugs didn't make me a failure and that I was perfectly able to clean up. You move out, move on, and make a decent life for yourself. You've already done a large part of that, so keep up the good work!

 

Thank you for saying something no one has ever said to me. "Keep up the good work!" Sometimes I forget how hard I've worked to get to where I am and I feel like I'm not taking any steps forward. I used my high school shop classes and the education I got there and skills I learned to use heavy machinery to run a business today that's actually successful. I've gone from having my own mother try to keep me locked up with no job and everyone believing I'm too crazy to work to running my own successful business. I don't actually have to work anymore! However, as I'm sure you can imagine, I like working all week long. It's something that someone tried to keep from me until I was 35 years old. I'm oddly happy working!

[LuckyLady13]

If the kids at school & the teachers saw this your relatives didn't care enough to act. Again, leave them in the dust. Somebody must have seen something because you periodically got taken away. I'm not sure how you got returned but you are out now & you are an adult. Just move forward in your life & don't look back.

 

I'll tell you how I got returned (over and over and over). A judge looked me dead in the eyes and said "I'm so sorry I have to give them another chance but I've been ordered to because we keep getting sued for breaking up families".

 

I actually had fantasies when I was a kid of being adopted by caring people. I daydreamed about it. That judge crushed me and left me heartbroken.

 

I really am beginning to realize my relatives knew. They had to. Even if they had no clue what the signs of abuse are. They had to know the person they saw every holiday and the person they were being told I was just couldn't be possible.

[LuckyLady13]

At this time, it's too little to little to ever hold any type of relationship with any of them at all given what's happened. Steer clear. They're not even remotely worth it.

 

You guys are really opening my eyes to a lot of things. Thank you!!!

[LuckyLady13]

There is nothing wrong with you other then the brain washing these awful people did to you.

 

After you fully separate from them & stop bothering about them, when things have settled down, if you find it in your heart to forgive them because of whatever caused them to be like this, OK fine, you are a better person then most but forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or re-establishing contact. It just means you stop bothering about them. Yes it will be hard at first because this horribleness is all you know & you will feel a bit of a void but once you push past those initial differences you will find peace in your life.

 

The holidays are here. The void from having no family, no relatives was clouding my judgement. My fathers family are dead and gone. His mother was a sweetheart and his brother also was and had custody of me at times. They made a huge deal out of giving gifts this time of year. My fathers brothers wife, my aunt...bought me my first guitar. She treated me like a human being with feelings and wanted to support me in any hobby or interest I had. I think I'm missing them. And the void? It feels like the biggest black hole in the universe right now.

 

When my mother's brother died, mom, my maternal grandmother & I went to the funeral. We were the only mourners. My uncle was gay & they didn't approve so they kept everybody away including his partner of 30+ years. I never met the guy. Anyway, at the graveside my grandmother looks at my mother / her daughter & says why couldn't you have died instead of him? I always loved him. I was horrified & told my grandmother she was a B1tch. My mother told me not to speak to my grandmother like that & I told my mother she had a form of Stockholm syndrome if she thought that was OK. Right then & there at the ripe old age of 17 I vowed to my mother that if she ever treated me half as badly as her mom treated her I would walk away & never look back. My mom was nicer to me after that; not a lot nicer but better. We still had a lot of bumps & skirmishes along the way but I got some insight into why she could be rotten, because that is how she had been treated. It made it easier to roll off my back. My mother continued to take care of my grandmother & I took care of my mom when it was her time. But it wasn't violent the way your family was.

 

Wow. I have no idea what I would've said or done in that situation but I'm glad you said what you said!

 

You got out. You're free! Let them go. Enjoy the peace in your life that comes from them not being in it.

 

Let them go. I really need to! Thank you for what you said. I really do appreciate this. I knew something was wrong with the way I was thinking about this situation and that's why I came here. I wasn't feeling too confident because of things people have said to me in person but you guys are restoring my faith in humanity here!

[LuckyLady13]

While I admire your toughness and resiliency, I'm trying to figure why you have any use for these people other than putting them in your rear-view mirror?

 

Based on your description, any caring relative had plenty of time and opportunity to intervene. That they didn't defines them but not you.

 

Look forward and continue the progress you've made. Kudos for overcoming what many could not, don't get sidetracked by something like this...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm realizing that it was my dads side of my family I was missing terribly and with them gone, the emptiness and that big void was getting me side-tracked with the holidays. My dads side of my family was the complete opposite of my mothers side. They got involved, they took custody of me, they cared enough to want to see me have some kind of interest I can pursue and it was such a different situation with them. I knew I was getting side-tracked! I knew it! And I wondered why.

[vla1120]

They had to know something.

 

THIS is what bothers me and why I think you need to turn your back on them and make a life for yourself without ANY of their negative influences. What you have endured and were able to overcome is absolutely remarkable. To me, it is impossible that someone did not pick up on something being wrong, whether family, or someone at school, etc. It's possible no one wanted to cross your mother, but still. It would have only taken one person to notice and make a difference in your life. I'm sorry for what you experienced.

 

You strike me as the type of person (like I was, after a crummy childhood - but not nearly as bad as yours!) who will decide that when/if you have a family and children, your children will know they are nurtured and loved every single day.

 

I admire your strength! I know the holidays can be hard when you do not have family with whom to celebrate (even bad family), but just look forward to making your OWN peaceful and happy traditions and memories from here forward - and it does not have to be blood relatives. I am closer to many of my friends than I EVER was to my family, including siblings!

[LuckyLady13]

LuckyLady13, to me this is the biggest takeaway - why go back? What's the upside?

 

Hold on! Let me see if I can find an upside!

 

…(10 minutes later)

 

I thought I left an upside around here somewhere but I can't seem to find one.

 

You know these people better than anyone, do you think they'll admit wrongdoing and have the capacity for change?

 

One of the very last times I heard from my mother was before a family get-together for a holiday. She demanded I bring my ex-boyfriend to her brothers for the holiday. She had herself convinced he (and every man on earth) wanted to date her but I was keeping him from her and standing in her way. I said that I was going to her brothers alone. She said if I showed up alone, she was going to send my father after me in front of the whole family. I believed her. She was escalating at the time. I got in touch with her brother, told him what she said and told him I couldn't come over unless the family could cope with me calling the police if I got assaulted. My uncle said, and I quote "No, this would be way too embarrassing to have the cops at my house in front of my neighbors! What would they think? I can't do this. You have to stay home."

 

I was beat up enough over the years and couldn't think of it happening again. Even if it didn't go very far, I had to at least make a report with the police. My mother was never going to tell my father he was hitting me because she wanted to date other people and I was getting in the way (in her mind). She'd tell him I hit her again or stole money from her - Something that would get him angry at me, not her. They didn't have an open marriage. At least he didn't agree to one. She couldn't tell him the truth.

 

Doesn't it sound like my uncle knew by that point? Well, not exactly because my other uncle, their brother said to me "I heard you and your mother can't be in the same room together". Doesn't that imply I would fight with her? Because that's what I took from him saying that. No matter what, I never hit either of my parents. No matter what they did to me. I covered my head or tried to escape but never fought back. My relatives never once saw me fight, yell back, say the word no or anything because I didn't speak. When she was escalating and I knew she was about to blow the doors off this thing and have me beat up in front of my relatives, I was starting to feel my life could be on the line. I finally spoke. And I'm not sure anyone believed me by the time I finally did.

 

The police and social services don't intervene unless there are extreme circumstances, so their involvement speaks volumes. Hate to see you give up any of the progress you made in search of something so worthless...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It is worthless, isn't it?