Should I do what I want or what he wants?

[Lauratee]

I've been with my partner for over 11 years now and we have 2 children together. Youngest being 2.

I recently had an emotional affair with a guy from work. No excuses but my partner isn't an emotional person and doesn't like to talk to me when I'm feeling down. I suffer from anxiety and depression. The guy from work was very attentive and I suppose i took the support.

My partner found out and has since made me leave my job, which i really didn't want too.

I had a good paying job, career path and it was flexible around my kids. I worked part time but kept my responsibilities as I worked there previously before I went part time to accommodate my family.

I'm now not working which I hate as much as I love my kids I love my career too. I've been looking for about 4 months to find something suitable with the same pay and flexabilty. I've since mentioned to keep my career path I may have to go back full time (which i don't really want) but in order to bring in my own salary and independence it's looking like the only option.

My old job is still available for me but my partner wont allow me to go back or socialise with my old colleges. I'm I being unreasonable to want to return ?

[central]

I can understand wanting to return, but giving up a job where you had an inappropriate relationship is pretty standard to prevent further damage to your primary relationship. You are paying the price for letting yourself get involved with another man - if anything, you should be glad that this is the only repercussion, and not divorce. If your job means more than your relationship, then do as you wish, but realize there will surely be serious consequences.

[RecentChange]

I don't think your partner is being unreasonable.

 

If I cheated (even emotionally) with a co-worker I imagine my husband would insist I quit that job.

 

If my husband cheated with a co-worker I wouldn't want him going back there.

 

An even bigger issue appears to be that you are blaming your SO for your cheating because he isn't meeting your needs.

 

How is THAT being resolved? Has it been discussed how to meet each other's needs better? Have you all talked about how your depression and anxiety may be affecting him (it's hard to be in a relationship with someone struggling with their mental health).

 

It sounds like you two could possibly benefit from couples counseling if you want this relationship to last for the long haul.

[d0nnivain]

Before I can answer you I need to know exactly what this EA entailed. (you don't have to answer me on line in public but you better know the answer) If all you did was talk to this colleague even about deep private stuff instead of talking to your partner, it's ridiculous for your partner to have made you quit. Now if there was physical contact -- kissing or especially sex (a PA) -- well then what do you value more, an intact family or this job?

 

Are you really sure your former employer would take you back? Once you quit, in the employer's shoes I'd be skeptical of your commitment to the job & concerned about your decision making skills.

[Foxhall]

Im guessing that the two kids and/or you need your husband for financial support are the only reasons keeping you together,

 

think its time for a leap, go your separate ways, get your old job back and make sure he agrees to maintenance payments.

[mark clemson]

I think a lesson learned here is to agree to leave but have the next job lined up before quitting the old one.

 

Easier said than done in an affair situation, but money is money. Now you're both paying the price.

 

Lots of mistakes here, from being with/having kids with a partner who doesn't meet your needs well to the EA to jumping without a parachute on the job thing.

 

Of course if we were all perfect this board wouldn't exist.

 

Suggest you consider:

 

 

• Continuing looking for the next job until you find it.
  
• Only going back to the old one if the situation is desperate.
  
• Giving serious thought to where you want to go with your R and how to ensure it actually meets your needs (if possible) if you decide to continue with it.
  

Try to avoid making further mistakes.

[BaileyB]

Are you being unreasonable - quite simply, yes.

 

Leaving a job that you love is the consequence of engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a coworker. Nowhere in your post do I hear any remorse or accountability. In fact, you justify your emotional affair by blame shifting to your husband (he does not listen to me) and using your anxiety/depression as a reason to do something inappropriate (many people struggle with anxiety/depression, most find a counsellor rather than an affair partner).

 

You are not wrong to want to work. I would love to stay home with children, but I don’t want to be a full-time stay at home mother. I need my own career, paycheck, and adult interaction. Unfortunately, you are going to continue the job search because going back to your former employer is not an option - if you intend to keep your marriage. Good luck with the job search, something is bound to come up eventually...

[MsJayne]

I'm wondering what the cause of your anxiety and depression is and whether you get help outside of your marriage for it, (not counting co-workers). Having had a partner who suffered from this same problem I know how draining it can be when your partner wants your frequent support but is too absorbed in their own emotional issues to ever be supportive in return, even just a little bit. If they turn to other people for support it's a huge slap in the face, especially if it's an ongoing thing and you've stayed with them regardless of their mental health issues. Leaving your job wasn't the answer, dealing with the problems in your marriage is. Maybe your husband could do with some support as well, it might be an idea to go see a counselor if you think it's worth saving.

[MountainGirl111]

 It sounds like to me......your anxiety and depression really needs to be dealt with. Don't have a ton of info here, but was the part time job stressful? Another thing to think about" is getting a full time job going to be a good thing for you at this time in your life with young kids; one as young as 2? They grow up fast and working full time is much different than working part time. Can you guys make it on his income alone? He insisted you quit your job, right. He insisted you quit it before a new job was lined up for you. So unless he's able to support you and the kids, that wasn't a wise move on his part, I don't think. People turn to co-worker for support all the time; to bolster one another. Was this truly an emotional, intimate affair or was it just a comradery? I have comrades at work, both male and female. It's never crossed the line with males as being too close; working with both sexes is to be expected wherever you go. Your partner needs to get a grip on that and perhaps he needs to change and be more supportive to you. The way I'm seeing it this is not all your fault, nor is it a hopeless situation. But, in my view, the kids come first. Do you have anxiety and depression somehow intertwined with motherhood and getting adequate fulfillment in life. When kids are little it's easy for parents to sort of neglect their own needs. No doubt, little ones are very very busy!!

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I think you need to discuss with your husband WHY you had an emotional affair, because if that area of your life is going to continue to be lacking, you will continue to attempt to fill the void and there will be a line up of dudes ready and willing to help you screw up your marriage.

[PegNosePete]

Well it's up to you really. Which do you consider more important, your job at the old place, or your marriage? Because you can't have both.