All out of ideas...

[PinkFlamingo]

13 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Therapy isn't something for me. The goal is to resolve my issues on my own volition.

Ok, plastic surgery then.

According to you:

• You don't like most women, which severely limits your dating pool
• You are not attractive to most women and only people who look very good have a chance in the dating world. That also limits your dating pool
• You  might have a chance if you are ugly with great social skills, but there is no way for you to improve your social skills. That pretty much empties your dating pool

The only way for you is to change your face. Get rid of the ugly mug shot and present the shiny new you to the world. I think now we're getting somewhere.

But let me guess, the risks of plastic surgery? That would not be you anymore? You would only attract shallow women with your bad luck? You don't have the money and you can't focus on earning money because you are so depressed because of your lack of success with women?

[Thelambofdeth]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

And how’s that working for you?

Better than if I were to take misguided advice clearly meant for different people.

[5x5]

You can't win a game, that you refuse to play

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Better than if I were to take misguided advice clearly meant for different people.

I didn't realise you were actually making progress.   What have you managed to improve so far?

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, 5x5 said:

You can't win a game, that you refuse to play

 

Refusing gives the implication that I'm making a choice. Which I'm not. I'm not being stubborn out of spite. It's hard to attempt to play a game when you're under the impression failure is inevitable.

Edited January 5, 2020 by Thelambofdeth

[basil67]

You're refusing to seek therapy to improve your anxiety and social skills.   You're refusing to consider dressing in a more accessible manner.  These are all choices which are holding you back.    To be clear, I'm not saying this to pile on you.  Rather, I want you to recognise how you are contributing to your own issues and find a way to do things which will bring a better outcome for you.

Also, you've only been single for two years.  You have done it before, so you can do it again.  Failure is hardly inevitable..

Edited January 5, 2020 by basil67

[5x5]

When I was 17 I fractured all of the bones in both of my feet and legs up into my hips, and was medically discharged from the Army as a consequence. Despite that and after a painful recovery, I wanted to get back in. So I set out to find out what was required and had to to convince a few doctors (who thought it wasn't a good idea), to sign off on my being able to serve again. Which saw me reenlist at 19, where I served in Infantry for 10 years. Becoming a Section Commander/Squad Leader at 22 and a Platoon Sergeant at 26, before I went on to serve In Intelligence Corps for a few years.

If you choose not to participate because you have convinced yourself you will fail, you ensure the failure.you fear.

If you want opportunity, you are going to have to choose to do that which frightens you.

This is absolutely all on you and what you choose to do and choose not to do.

[elaine567]

56 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Refusing gives the implication that I'm making a choice. Which I'm not. I'm not being stubborn out of spite. It's hard to attempt to play a game when you're under the impression failure is inevitable.

Of course you are making a choice.
If I were having problems dating and it was suggested by others that I stop the ponytails, ditch the designer gear, cut my nails and stop wearing black nail polish and start smiling and at least try to engage with men, then guess what I would be doing?
If you decide to distance yourself from others by your dress sense and demeanour then they tend not to go "WOW look at this guy isn't he special"
NO they go
"OMG...., NO, just, NO?" and avoid.
Until that registers then nothing will change for you.

[Thelambofdeth]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

You're refusing to seek therapy to improve your anxiety and social skills.   You're refusing to consider dressing in a more accessible manner.  These are all choices which are holding you back.    To be clear, I'm not saying this to pile on you.  Rather, I want you to recognise how you are contributing to your own issues and find a way to do things which will bring a better outcome for you.

I know, and you are right. I have to do something, or its little going to get worse. But the goal posts just keep moving. At first people say "dress well, get in shape, groom, and go out" and I did all that and it's made no difference. Now I'm to dress more casually to see changes? Don't see how going backwards could help...

Quote

Also, you've only been single for two years.  You have done it before, so you can do it again.  Failure is hardly inevitable

That seems like forever ago...I can only see failure because thats all I've experienced over the past couple years.

[Thelambofdeth]

3 hours ago, 5x5 said:

When I was 17 I fractured all of the bones in both of my feet and legs up into my hips, and was medically discharged from the Army as a consequence. Despite that and after a painful recovery, I wanted to get back in. So I set out to find out what was required and had to to convince a few doctors (who thought it wasn't a good idea), to sign off on my being able to serve again. Which saw me reenlist at 19, where I served in Infantry for 10 years. Becoming a Section Commander/Squad Leader at 22 and a Platoon Sergeant at 26, before I went on to serve In Intelligence Corps for a few years.

If you choose not to participate because you have convinced yourself you will fail, you ensure the failure.you fear.

If you want opportunity, you are going to have to choose to do that which frightens you.

This is absolutely all on you and what you choose to do and choose not to do.

Well...that certainly puts my issues in perspective. Certainly not as severe as compared to other possible scenarios...surely if someone can persevere beyond that, my predicament must seen trite by comparison.

 

That said there is no way this is all on me. Sure I'm mostly to blame, but lack of posture reinforcement isn't a phantom pain. I'm basically at the mercy of judgment of other women. I can't force anyone to like me. Idk guess I just didn't think it would be this difficult. And since I expect the worse its hard to be motivated enough to break through all those reservations...

Edited January 6, 2020 by Thelambofdeth

[Thelambofdeth]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Of course you are making a choice.
If I were having problems dating and it was suggested by others that I stop the ponytails, ditch the designer gear, cut my nails and stop wearing black nail polish and start smiling and at least try to engage with men, then guess what I would be doing?
If you decide to distance yourself from others by your dress sense and demeanour then they tend not to go "WOW look at this guy isn't he special"
NO they go
"OMG...., NO, just, NO?" and avoid.
Until that registers then nothing will change for you.

A suggestion=/= a guarantee.

Dressing casually isn't a given that I'll be any more successful. Women won't magically notice and be more receptive of my because I'm wearing a T shirt and jeans. That doesn't make any sense. Sure the lack of smiling and apprehension regarding approaching might be issue, but people their preference for appearance doesn't really help someone else.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

I know, and you are right. I have to do something, or its little going to get worse. But the goal posts just keep moving. At first people say "dress well, get in shape, groom, and go out" and I did all that and it's made no difference. Now I'm to dress more casually to see changes? Don't see how going backwards could help...

Dress well doesn't translate to wearing three piece suits everywhere.  Instead, it means to dress nicely in current fashion.   Get in shape doesn't mean that a six pack will give you an edge, it means that you should look healthy.    Groom doesn't mean to look metrosexual, it means to have a current hairstyle and a bit of product.   You say that you don't see how going backwards could help, but if we look backwards, you did have girlfriends.  

You're right - dressing casually won't guarantee anything.  But it's part of the package you'd need along with a smile and positive interaction.

Everyone is at the mercy of judgement by others.  Not just judgement of men by women,  but also women being judged by men.    Sit on here long enough and you'll see all kinds of judgement flying both ways.   Regarding positive reinforcement, children get that as part of their personal growth (but they also get chastised when they get it wrong) but adults aren't entitled to positive reinforcement.  

Quote

That seems like forever ago...I can only see failure because thats all I've experienced over the past couple years.

What have you tried in the past couple of years?   And how long ago was it that this anxiety started?  

Can you give a description your attitude and presentation when you were successfully dating compared to now? 

Edited January 6, 2020 by basil67

[Thelambofdeth]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

Dress well doesn't translate to wearing three piece suits everywhere.  Instead, it means to dress nicely in current fashion.   Get in shape doesn't mean that a six pack will give you an edge, it means that you should look healthy.    Groom doesn't mean to look metrosexual, it means to have a current hairstyle and a bit of product.   You say that you don't see how going backwards could help, but if we look backwards, you did have girlfriends.  

You're right - dressing casually won't guarantee anything.  But it's part of the package you'd need along with a smile and positive interaction.

Everyone is at the mercy of judgement by others.  Not just judgement of men by women,  but also women being judged by men.    Sit on here long enough and you'll see all kinds of judgement flying both ways.   Regarding positive reinforcement, children get that as part of their personal growth (but they also get chastised when they get it wrong) but adults aren't entitled to positive reinforcement.  

Yes, its not that binary. I should've realized that much sooner. As in one of the million times I went out and nothing happened. Perhaps my learnings have been to extreme and that doesn't net anything.

And I'm not saying women are exempt from being judged by men, just that it don't really affect me. I get that everyone is at the mercy of judgment to an extent. And no, positive reinforcement isn't a given, but its the foundation of confidence. Espeically in dating...

Quote

 

What have you tried in the past couple of years?   And how long ago was it that this anxiety started?  

Can you give a description your attitude and presentation when you were successfully dating compared to now? 

 

Bars, clubs, concerts, festivals mostly...And it's been a gradual decline. It didn't happen instantly. Just the more I went out and nothing happened, the more anxious and less confident I'd get.

 

I didn't dress nearly as well or layered. Also my demeanor was warmer because my confidence hadn't been extinguished yet. I'd just be in a better mood and would project that.

 

[basil67]

And unfortunately, with your demeanor and styling, it's only going to get worse for you.   I strongly advise a fresh start, one which involves moderation.

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

And unfortunately, with your demeanor and styling, it's only going to get worse for you.   I strongly advise a fresh start, one which involves moderation.

Yeah. I'll have to take small steps and see if I notice different. Not wearing a vest and wearing black jeans possibly, trying to taper my natural face expression...things like that.

[basil67]

Or what about ditching the jacket.   Keep the (black vest) black shirt, black jeans and Docs?     And yes, softening your face is a good idea.

Edited January 7, 2020 by basil67

[K.K.]

Don’t overthink it, Lamby. Throw on some old grey sweatpants with no draws and some decent kicks and jiggle yourself on down the street. That ought to get a few looks.. know what I’m sayin? 

 

What. 

That’s totally on topic.  

 

[Thelambofdeth]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Or what about ditching the jacket.   Keep the (black vest) black shirt, black jeans and Docs?     And yes, softening your face is a good idea.

That's...feasible. Don't think it'll help, but I suppose it can't hurt.

 

3 hours ago, K.K. said:

Don’t overthink it, Lamby. Throw on some old grey sweatpants with no draws and some decent kicks and jiggle yourself on down the street. That ought to get a few looks.. know what I’m sayin? 

 

What. 

That’s totally on topic.  

 

 

Edited January 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed links

[K.K.]

I said what I said. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

What. 

That’s totally on topic.  

 

You crack me up KK.  You're becoming one of my faves.  

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

You crack me up KK.  You're becoming one of my faves.  

Same here... I seek out K.K.'s posts and read them first!!

[RecentChange]

3 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Yeah. I'll have to take small steps and see if I notice different. Not wearing a vest and wearing black jeans possibly, trying to taper my natural face expression...things like that.

Okay forgive me, as I am late to the party, but....

Black jeans? A vest? How old are you?!

Perhaps you need a stylist. Maybe if someone else helped you with your wardrobe you would gain some confidence.

There are ways to dress that express success and masculinity - while being understated and approachable.

And I can't imagine black jeans nor vests being hip at all.... To me that would send a huge "nerd" vibe

[Thelambofdeth]

8 minutes ago, K.K. said:

I said what I said. 

Proooobably not the type of looks I had in mind. Lol.

[Thelambofdeth]

2 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

Okay forgive me, as I am late to the party, but....

Black jeans? A vest? How old are you?!

Perhaps you need a stylist. Maybe if someone else helped you with your wardrobe you would gain some confidence.

There are ways to dress that express success and masculinity - while being understated and approachable.

And I can't imagine black jeans nor vests being hip at all.... To me that would send a huge "nerd" vibe

Lols the last thing I need is a stylist. I could be a stylist. That's the issue. And since when are black jeans nerdy? My style is either slighty gothy or totally high-fashion. Nothing is nerdy about tapered, slim-fit designer jeans. If I were to gain confidence from attire, that would've already happened in one of the Tom Ford of SLP suits I own. I may look like a pompous ass at times...or a conceited douche, but I'm sure nerd is the last thing I'd be mistaken for.

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

Okay forgive me, as I am late to the party, but....

Black jeans? A vest? How old are you?!

 

That was me suggesting a softened version of the gothic look he likes.