All out of ideas...

[preraph]

It's not that you're too old to take it up.  I was the same way.  I wanted to play but lacked the discipline to just practice, practice, practice that you need to do it.  So I get that.   I was lucky because when I was young there were other ways to be involved with music scene than playing.  Now there's not as much of a scene, no record stores to speak of and they're not a thing or the focus of this generation.  I sure miss that.  The way to meet any women who like the music is to go to gigs.  But I get that it's still no guarantee.  Maybe work in a music bar, like I suggested earlier, just maybe on weekends in addition to your regular job.  

[Thelambofdeth]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ok, I give up. You say that your age isn’t the reason. And your young self wasn’t afraid.  So what reason is it that you can’t learn guitar at 27?  

 

Like I said in an earlier post, I lack the discipline.

 

4 hours ago, K.K. said:

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, that's actually pretty awesome!

 

3 hours ago, preraph said:

It's not that you're too old to take it up.  I was the same way.  I wanted to play but lacked the discipline to just practice, practice, practice that you need to do it.  So I get that.   I was lucky because when I was young there were other ways to be involved with music scene than playing.  Now there's not as much of a scene, no record stores to speak of and they're not a thing or the focus of this generation.  I sure miss that.  The way to meet any women who like the music is to go to gigs.  But I get that it's still no guarantee.  Maybe work in a music bar, like I suggested earlier, just maybe on weekends in addition to your regular job.  

 

Yes, exactly. I don't have the discipline and dedication and that's totally vital to learn, especially at this point in my life. In my experience its virtually impossible to meet women at a metal concert. There's hardly ever any women there, and only ones who are exclusively happen to be with their boyfriends. And I don't really know what you mean by a music bar. There's no real bars here that play live music anything close to metal.

Edited December 14, 2019 by Thelambofdeth

[preraph]

Well, not sure if there's still a bar in your area, and I agree they're probably few and far between, but nonetheless, just like always, bands will be booked and you might meet someone easier at the club for the smaller gig.  It is true there are fewer women who like metal, but just about everyone likes GNR and other hard rock.  

 

I don't know where you live.  Try this search link :

 

https://metalpubs.com/

 

Otherwise, watch the local gig listings.

[basil67]

One of the things I notice is that you say you dress goth, but you are in fact a metalhead.   You've got two very different species mixed up there.   I guess there's potential for you to attract a gothling, but she's not going to be interested in metal.   And a metalhead woman won't be attracted to your goth looks.  

 

I think you'd do far better dressing to attract your own tribe. 

[preraph]

Basil, not so.  I always dressed goth and fit right in with the hard rock/metal scene.   You have to realize there's original goth, which is basically wearing a lot of black and then there was the big wave of goth that just pierced everything and tried to look gross and it was more cosplay.   Music people don't usually look like the latter.  It's more just rock dressing but it can range anywhere from dressy to casual.  I don't think we need to worry about what he's wearing that much because I think he probably has a better fashion sense than most of us do.  

 

Also, there are all kinds of nuances in the music he likes.  He likes everything from metal to hard rock, which has wide popularity, to sounds like some rap, which has wide popularity.  The problem is the music scene isn't what it used to be.  

Edited December 14, 2019 by preraph

[Thelambofdeth]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

Well, not sure if there's still a bar in your area, and I agree they're probably few and far between, but nonetheless, just like always, bands will be booked and you might meet someone easier at the club for the smaller gig.  It is true there are fewer women who like metal, but just about everyone likes GNR and other hard rock.  

 

I don't know where you live.  Try this search link :

 

https://metalpubs.com/

 

Otherwise, watch the local gig listings.

 

I guess I have never really tried a show at smaller venue like a bar for music. Like once or twice and I will say at one there was actually women present that didn't have their man glued to them the whole time. And a while back outside of a one of the smaller shows a woman did notice my Behemoth hoodie. So smaller, more local might be a better route, actually. I'll give the link a try.

 

44 minutes ago, basil67 said:

One of the things I notice is that you say you dress goth, but you are in fact a metalhead.   You've got two very different species mixed up there.   I guess there's potential for you to attract a gothling, but she's not going to be interested in metal.   And a metalhead woman won't be attracted to your goth looks.  

 

I think you'd do far better dressing to attract your own tribe. 

 

I mean, I listen to some gothy music as well. And at this point with all the genres and sub-genres these days, they kinda cross into each other, anyway. You have Deathcore singers who wear black polish so, idk. One thing is I don't really wear band tees often aside from shows, so aside from the black nails, most people can tell I'm into goth or metal anyway....

 

15 minutes ago, preraph said:

Basil, not so.  I always dressed goth and fit right in with the hard rock/metal scene.   You have to realize there's original goth, which is basically wearing a lot of black and then there was the big wave of goth that just pierced everything and tried to look gross and it was more cosplay.   Music people don't usually look like the latter.  It's more just rock dressing but it can range anywhere from dressy to casual.  I don't think we need to worry about what he's wearing that much because I think he probably has a better fashion sense than most of us do.  

 

Also, there are all kinds of nuances in the music he likes.  He likes everything from metal to hard rock, which has wide popularity, to sounds like some rap, which has wide popularity.  The problem is the music scene isn't what it used to be.  

And yeah, this is accurate. The goth motif has become so bloated yet sparse to the point anything dark is synonymous with it. That and for.most people metal is so randomly associated with it now. Or at least aspects of it. One thing I don't really do a good job of is incorporating my musical interests into my clothing or attire. Perhaps I should just try a blazer with a band tee or spiked wristbands in lieu of a watch occasionally.

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, preraph said:

Basil, not so.  I always dressed goth and fit right in with the hard rock/metal scene.   

 

Fair enough.  I was writing from the perspective of a gothling his age.

[elaine567]

Seems to me, people who dress differently from their immediate group are either extroverts who wish to court attention, or they are introverts providing themselves with a wall to hide behind. Yes people will notice them, but will usually stay away as they are obviously  not of the same "tribe".
You are dressing oddly for a wine bar and by doing that you are repelling women, for reasons I guess only you know. It is an act of self sabotage.
All very well to be "unique", but if being "unique" is alienating your target audience, then what's the point?

 

[Thelambofdeth]

33 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me, people who dress differently from their immediate group are either extroverts who wish to court attention, or they are introverts providing themselves with a wall to hide behind. Yes people will notice them, but will usually stay away as they are obviously  not of the same "tribe".
You are dressing oddly for a wine bar and by doing that you are repelling women, for reasons I guess only you know. It is an act of self sabotage.
All very well to be "unique", but if being "unique" is alienating your target audience, then what's the point?

 

Ok I'll admit, perhaps going to a dive bar or a casual restaurant isn't the most ideal venue for a suit. But wouldn't a wine bar actually BE an appropriate avenue for a suit? They're supposed to be more sophisticated and upscale that normal bars. Sounds logical to me.

 

And I don't wear it to stand out. I like the way it looks and have an interest in fashion. It's not meant to serve a wall. And honestly, I still have little idea as to why it does in fact repel women or if that is what's doing the repelling.

Edited December 15, 2019 by Thelambofdeth

[preraph]

I think part of the problem with the differing opinions on here is because everyone is from someplace different, places who do things differently than others.  In a large town, there can be suits anywhere, though where I live, in Dallas, it's suits for business and then at happy hour, they're going to loosen the tie, so to speak.  Everyplace has its personality.  Where I live, we are unnaturally casual, but in any given place, you may find suits at one table and khaki shorts at the next and lots of jeans.  

 

At music venues, it's usually no suits.  It's usually rock dressy OR casual.  

 

There was a dive Mexican cafe the afterhours crowds used to all go to here in Dallas back in the late 70s after bars closed.  The crowd there was notorious for being anything from people dressed for the opera to punk rockers and everything in between.  In that same time period, there was a punk bar I frequented where you might also see a mixed crowd.  You just pay attention to the tone where you're going and decide if you want to blend in or stand out.  I nearly always opted for standing out, but that's me.  

[K.K.]

1 minute ago, Thelambofdeth said:

And honestly, I still have little idea as to why it does in fact repel women....

 

Nothing! I’ve figured this s*** out. You are just  like my friend, let’s call him Nate. Nate is the sexiest, smartest, most adorable guy in the whole world. Good people through and through. This guy literally has had women try anything to talk to him and he’s just too blind to notice! He’s so shy that he runs the other way. 

 

He gives off this vibe that displays no interest whatsoever. So the women give up before they even begin to make a fool out of themselves. He doesn’t realize how attractive he his. Not just in his looks either!  He is courteous, kind, trustworthy. He is as deep as the the ocean, hotter than hell. 

 

Dudes been single for the last 8 years I’ve known him. Doesn’t go out. Doesn’t do anything except play video games and has a few friends he might hang with every now and then. 

 

Nate could have any girl he wanted probably. And where is he? Sitting at home right now probably wondering why no women like him. 

 

You’re Nate! 

 

It’s a damned shame. 

 

 

[Thelambofdeth]

49 minutes ago, K.K. said:

 

Nothing! I’ve figured this s*** out. You are just  like my friend, let’s call him Nate. Nate is the sexiest, smartest, most adorable guy in the whole world. Good people through and through. This guy literally has had women try anything to talk to him and he’s just too blind to notice! He’s so shy that he runs the other way. 

 

He gives off this vibe that displays no interest whatsoever. So the women give up before they even begin to make a fool out of themselves. He doesn’t realize how attractive he his. Not just in his looks either!  He is courteous, kind, trustworthy. He is as deep as the the ocean, hotter than hell. 

 

Dudes been single for the last 8 years I’ve known him. Doesn’t go out. Doesn’t do anything except play video games and has a few friends he might hang with every now and then. 

 

Nate could have any girl he wanted probably. And where is he? Sitting at home right now probably wondering why no women like him. 

 

You’re Nate! 

 

It’s a damned shame. 

 

 

See here's the thing. I get that and I know a guy like that as well. But that's not me.

 

Let's compare with my friend. Let's call him Sam. The guy looks like a model. Like, pretty unfairly attractive for a dude. He's also pretty introverted and has social anxiety, but not quite nearly as bad as I. He also spends most of his time gaming and doesn't go out much. Hes also one of the most kind, loyal, trust able, and considerate people I know.(Even though he can be fairly douchy on the outside.)

 

Difference is unlike your friend hes able to capitalize on the vast amount of attention he recieve from women since it's so commonplace and obvious.

 

And the difference I have to both is noteworthy. I'm just average looking, hardly adorable, not the nicest person alive, and I'm one of those guys who get attention and don't  how to sense or reciprocate it. Iv9e seen women demonstrate it to people they're interested in. I've seen it first hand, and I look for it myself. And it simply doesn't happen to me.

 

It's not that I'm oblivious, run from, or don't know what to do with female attention. Its that I don't receive any. Women aren't smiling at, hovering around, sitting next to or coming up to talk to me. Not vying for my attention or giving subtle signs of interests, even. Even giving the slightest inclination that they'd be susceptible to an approach from me. It's not that I'm blind to it. It's simply not there.

 

They're ignoring me to talk to men like described above.

[preraph]

When I hear that last paragraph, I advise people (and it's often women) that they do not look approachable.  And what I tell women to do is simply make themselves smile instead of letting their b face just sit there.  If you will just open your face up, maybe raise your eyebrows or up-nod your head when someone passes by, and not just women you like, but everyone, other people see you being subtly friendly and will then view you as more approachable.  Subconsciously, they will be like, That guy over there acknowledges people who pass by and he will me too.  Smile or raise eyebrows in an interested manner (this opens your face up) or a little up-nod of the chin.  

[Happy Lemming]

In the end, you want to increase your odds of meeting women.  The more main stream you are, the more likely you'll meet someone.  If the majority of women are going to reject you at first blush, then you dramatically decrease your odds. 

 

So if we can get you over your unjustified fear to talk to women in public and tone down your wardrobe a bit, I do think your chances of meeting someone special are quite good.

[preraph]

He's "specialized," and what Happy Lemming said is true.  The more mainstream people are, the more potential mates they are suitable for.  Now, me, I was also very specialized, both in people who would pick me and people I would pick, and I operated mainly in the music culture.  The more specialized you are, the narrower your field, for whatever way that you are self-limiting.  It's always good to try to push the envelope and meet different kinds of people and just see if there's any interest if you can.  Branching out, if you can do it, is a good thing.  

[K.K.]

You’re killin me here. 

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

When I hear that last paragraph, I advise people (and it's often women) that they do not look approachable.  And what I tell women to do is simply make themselves smile instead of letting their b face just sit there.  If you will just open your face up, maybe raise your eyebrows or up-nod your head when someone passes by, and not just women you like, but everyone, other people see you being subtly friendly and will then view you as more approachable.  Subconsciously, they will be like, That guy over there acknowledges people who pass by and he will me too.  Smile or raise eyebrows in an interested manner (this opens your face up) or a little up-nod of the chin.  

 

Like I understand that and its makes sense...but do people really notice that? I assume most people are already told focused on which ever people they've already found attractive to pay attention to a random person who seems more friendly.

 

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

In the end, you want to increase your odds of meeting women.  The more main stream you are, the more likely you'll meet someone.  If the majority of women are going to reject you at first blush, then you dramatically decrease your odds. 

 

So if we can get you over your unjustified fear to talk to women in public and tone down your wardrobe a bit, I do think your chances of meeting someone special are quite good.

 

Sure, but you can only condense yourself but so much. At some point if you broaden yourself to a certain extent, you don't really appeal to anyone. Worse still you're not even being yourself anymore. I mean for many reasons, many of which I have no say in, I'm only going to appeal to a niche group of people. Those pre-emptive rejections aren't always my fault or due to aspects I can control. There's just going to be mass demographics of women I'll never attract.

 

 

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

You’re killin me here. 

Beleive me, I very strongly wish that was the case. That I was oblivious to all these mass sums or attention I was actually getting and my only concern was how to better accept  and reciprocate said attention, but alas. I wish.

Edited December 15, 2019 by Thelambofdeth

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

 

Like I understand that and its makes sense...but do people really notice that? I assume most people are already told focused on which ever people they've already found attractive to pay attention to a random person who seems more friendly.

 

Yes, people absolutely notice it.   And you're also right that people who are taken won't notice you, but they aren't your target market anyway.    For what it's worth, the main thing which will attract me to a man is an open and honest face with a smile.

 

 

2 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Sure, but you can only condense yourself but so much. At some point if you broaden yourself to a certain extent, you don't really appeal to anyone. Worse still you're not even being yourself anymore. I mean for many reasons, many of which I have no say in, I'm only going to appeal to a niche group of people.

 

The people I know who are generalists (who can have a chat about a wide range of things) combined with solid social skills can connect to a great many people.   These are the people who are dating winners.    Yes, there are those who appeal to a niche group, but they still find dates.  Your problem is not that you're niche, but rather, the overly formal way you present and poor social skills.  

[preraph]

People pretty much all notice if you look approachable. To avoid feeling self-conscious about it, it's important to just make it a habit to be friendly to sort of everyone and not just the woman you're targeting. that way you have no reason to feel embarrassed about being friendly to her or fearing rejection if you are just in general being approachable to the room and people who are in your vicinity. 

 

If someone is the least bit interested in either just being friendly or more, first they need a sign that you are approachable. 

 

A lot more people will pay attention to you if you just have a nice smile and acknowledge people. It can't hurt to have more acquaintances either.

[Thelambofdeth]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

Yes, people absolutely notice it.   And you're also right that people who are taken won't notice you, but they aren't your target market anyway.    For what it's worth, the main thing which will attract me to a man is an open and honest face with a smile.

 

 

 

The people I know who are generalists (who can have a chat about a wide range of things) combined with solid social skills can connect to a great many people.   These are the people who are dating winners.    Yes, there are those who appeal to a niche group, but they still find dates.  Your problem is not that you're niche, but rather, the overly formal way you present and poor social skills.  

I didn't mean people already in a relationship. For example, if someone walks in a bar, they're likely going to already find someone attractive and focus on that person. They're not really going to notice another person being randomly friendly.

 

Well I mean you can't force people to like you. If you're not conforming, aren't the majority or just percieved as too different, there's really little you can do. The majority or mainstream can be preeeety shallow and disclusive. And it really sucks that being too formal is somehow a negative...

[basil67]

Why do you think that a person walking into a bar will instantly only focus on one person in there?   If someone was single and looking, it would make far more sense to scan the bar, look and see who's there, who's coming and going, what the demeanor of the individuals are like and end up talking to someone.  With a smile and a friendly demeanor, why can't you be in the running?

 

As far as mainstream goes, most people want a partner who is somewhat like themselves.  Would it be fair to say that you'd also like a partner who's somewhat like yourself?  If so, then you're no different.

Edited December 15, 2019 by basil67
typo

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Why do you think that a person walking into a bar will instantly only focus on one person in there?   If someone was single and looking, it would make far more sense to scan the bar, look and see who's there, who's coming and going, what the demeanor of the individuals are like and end up talking to someone.  With a smile and a friendly demeanor, why can't you be in the running?

 

As far as mainstream goes, most people want a partner who is somewhat like themselves.  Would it be fair to say that you'd also like a partner who's somewhat like yourself?  If so, then you're no different.

Idk, I guess I'm just assuming overall attraction is going to trump a friendly demeanor and whatnot. Like if an woman see a dudes and think hes hot, he has priority over someone who isn't good-looking and a smile isn't really going to compensate for that.

 

Well sure, ideally I'd like someone who shared interests. But for most people, it's pretty simple. Most people like wine, top 40, Netflix, and hiking. Not difficult to find someone with even all of these. If you're part of the majority, its pretty simple and you won't have to compromise your own interests much.

 

I'm never going to find a woman into technicall death metal, French horror films, video games or high fashion. Its unrealistic to even expect. So unless I totally suppress my actual interests....yeah.

 

 

[preraph]

Plenty of women are interested in fashion. Why don't you go take a course at maybe a community college on fashion or clothing design and get in a class with a bunch of women. Sounds like the golden opportunity. And the alternative you can work in a nice department store but they're likely to stick you in the men's section.

[elaine567]

I realise life is not all fluffy bunnies and rainbows but no wonder you are depressed.
Death metal and horror movies??? and no doubt the video games you play are all about death and destruction too
Life is too short  and one day the death and destruction you crave will be real, you will then have no choice, and then it is not quite so "entertaining"...
Lighten up, go find some happier more productive pursuits and shake off all this doom and gloom...

[K.K.]

I ran out of s*** to say ya know, so I went all over that emoji board looking for that jumping fluffy bunny we had before I realized it’s long gone with the site upgrade. ?‍♀️ 

 

Woo! 

 

Ok lemme level. . Don’t hate me. But I’ve been thinking about this and babe look, if I saw you sitting there with long black fingernails, I wouldn’t even see your face or clothes. I would 100% legit think you would want to kill me. Tie me up and sacrifice me to the dark one. For real. You couldn’t get me out there fast enough. 

 

You don't know me and I don’t know you so I’m hoping you’ll take this as written with the good intention that it was meant. 

 

Keep them black if you will. But good lord don’t have dagger like things on the ends of your hands. It’s scary. 

 

Im sorry.  

 

P.S  good lord is just an expression -not getting all churchy on yo ass up in heah 

Edited December 15, 2019 by K.K.
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