Photos of her ex on the wall as a couple for the child

[Digger81]

So this is just a general question. I have just moved in with my partner and her 13 year old kid. Generally it has been great but her ex has been putting her through a five year divorce. While this puts stress on the relationship what is bothering me is a photo of her, her ex and their child on the wall. First of all let me just say I believe there should be a photo of her childs dad in the house. He is the father. But the photo is a very intimate photo of them hugging each other over their new born. Each day i walk past it and feel like rubbish and when my friends are over it can be akward. I have let her know that it makes me feel uncomfortable due to it being an intimate photo but i am fine with pictures of her ex and child because it is important for the child. She just starts saying that her child shouldn't have any pictures up of his father then, that it shows I am not ready for kids, I have no compassion. But as I keep telling her it is because the photo is of them as this happy couple. That there are other photos that she can use that isn't of them hugging.

Am i being unreasonable?

[Art_Critic]

I don't think you are ready to be a step parent, the picture has everything to do with the child and not the couple..

 

You say he is IS putting her thru a 5 year divorce, so they aren't divorced yet ? you live with her and her child ?

 

I think you are being unreasonable, however if there are other issues than this cropping up then maybe you might rethink things since she is still in the middle of the dust storm of the pending divorce.

 

I also think you should read some books on step parenting since you have jumped into that seat.. you could use an idea of what it's like to be that child and try to see life from their viewpoint of thru their eyes...

 

They are on shaky ground emotionally right now and most likely also blame themselves for their parents divorcing..

 

The easiest thing I found when I was a step parent was to always attack things with the perspective of the child, always approach things with love instead of anger.

[Blind-Sided]

I've been waiting a week to post on this one.

 

I feel you are right in the fact that it's insensitive that there is still a picture of her ex in a common section of the house .  I personally removed all my ex's pics, and replaced them in appropriate versions of my life now.   With that said... no... I didn't throw pictures away, because it is part of my past... but they simply aren't displayed anymore.  Also... Im very sure the 13 yo doesn't care about that picture... and if he/she does... then it should be in the kids room.

 

You being upset about the picture has nothing to do with you being ready or not... it has to do with simple human emotion.  AND... you are right... the picture isn't of the love of the kid... it's the love they had in producing the kid.

 

With all that said... unfortunately... unless you want to cause issues... you will have to just deal with it, as pushing to remove the pic sounds like it will cause problems with you and you SO.

[basil67]

The child is the one who I think is truly being wronged here.  Why have a photo reminding the child of a part of his life he can never have back?   This isn't like a nice holiday memory, this is of his parents together before they tore his life apart.

[usa1ah]

I don’t think your girlfriend is ready for a relationship. It is time to rethink your relationship with this woman. 
 

Photos of her son with his father are one thing. Having a loving photo of the three of them is wrong unless she is wanting to get back with her ex. 
 

How long have the two of you dated?

 

 Are there any other concerns?

[SumGuy]

I believe you are being insecure.  
 

Unless you think she still has feelings for her ex or the context is over the top, the meaning you are reading into this is all in your head, not something she is putting out there.

So it is of happier times with the ex, so what.  Our past or lives don’t need to be black or white.  The ex may be a total a** now but that doesn’t mean she can’t have good past memories and having good past memories doesn’t mean she wants him back or even likes him.  

I’d leave it to her and any child psychology professionals about what is best for the child.  So I’d take her at her word.   I certainly hope you never, ever discuss removing the picture when the child is around.  You think they can’t hear but they can.   

[BaileyB]

I personally would suggest that the photo come down. If the child wants photos of their other parent in the home, if I was your partner I would take a beautiful photo of the child with their parent and let the child frame it and place it by their bed. 

 

There is is no reason to erase the parent from the home. There is also no reason why the photos from the marriage should be kept from the child. But, it’s also not healthy for the photo to be hanging in the living room as if the parents are still together when they are not.

[nittygritty]

A 13 year old kid that has also experienced his parents 5 year divorce might find some comfort in knowing that at one time his parents weren’t fighting and might have actually loved each other. I don’t think you should feel threatened or disrespected by a picture of them as a happy couple. 

[Pleasant-Sage]

Not at all unreasonable. Nothing to add to that.

[Super Phantom]

Its time to dump her anyone say you are insensitive is wrong. They would feel the same way in that position. If the kid had it in her room then that would be another thing. It sounds like she isn't really over this person because if she was she wouldn't have the pic in a common area. 

[kalakuta]

She does not deem you as worthy of her. She is still in love with her ex. Don't invest your emotions in this relationship. The better option is to leave her as soon as you have the strength. 

[PRW]

I side with her.  If you have a problem with it, then you are the problem and are probably going to be the next jealous insecure controlling "Ex #2" in her life that she has to get rid of.  If I was the 13 yo son I would want you out of the house before the picture of my "Mom & Dad" come down off the wall.  In fact I have been that 13 yo.

[Super Phantom]

Dude it's time to dump her. It's why you have guys that say never date a single mom because of crap like this. No matter what you say you are wrong. You have to love the virtue signaling😂

[Daisydooks]

On 12/4/2019 at 5:31 AM, Digger81 said:

So this is just a general question. I have just moved in with my partner and her 13 year old kid. Generally it has been great but her ex has been putting her through a five year divorce. While this puts stress on the relationship what is bothering me is a photo of her, her ex and their child on the wall. First of all let me just say I believe there should be a photo of her childs dad in the house. He is the father. But the photo is a very intimate photo of them hugging each other over their new born. Each day i walk past it and feel like rubbish and when my friends are over it can be akward. I have let her know that it makes me feel uncomfortable due to it being an intimate photo but i am fine with pictures of her ex and child because it is important for the child. She just starts saying that her child shouldn't have any pictures up of his father then, that it shows I am not ready for kids, I have no compassion. But as I keep telling her it is because the photo is of them as this happy couple. That there are other photos that she can use that isn't of them hugging.

Am i being unreasonable?

Do you have any contact with dad? 

 

Can you get in contact with dad?

 

Maybe set up and pay for a session of photos with him and his dad?  They can have more current happy pics up around the house with just him/dad, it could be really fun for them and being paid for by you hopefully helps you bond more closely with the entire bunch (being vulnerable cant be a bad thing here.) Having 3 or 4 loving parents cant hurt. I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be a kittle uncomfortable if it were in plain view all the time.   I'd ask for a compromise here and ask that the pic is moved to his room and that if it's so important to have pics of him and dad, then pay for a current session for them while he is still young enough to have to agree 😂

 

I may be off my rocker but I hope it's a well received idea anyhow. There has to be a solution or compromise somewhere. Maybe she will be more willing if you show compromise outside of "I want that pic gone entirely." 

[Super Phantom]

No compromise just end relationship. It's not about jealousy unlike what some of the virtue signaling guys may say but its about respect. If she is really wanting to move on the pic wouldn't be in a common area. The best thing he needs to do is dump this woman and find someone more compatible with him

[fromheart]

Well, I'd be out of there that's for sure.

I'd also tell her, 'I'm ready to have kids, just not with you.'

[smackie9]

Things are over with the ex, and having those photos up isn't sheltering the kid from the reality his parents are separated. She should take them down if she is going to move on with her life and date someone new. IMO she's not getting it. Life has changed, and things have to change with it.