How do I confront her?

[ct3498]

So my wife had a 1 hour business meeting at her job today. She took our 7 year old daughter with her because they had plans to get their hair cuts after the quick meeting. My wife leaves the meeting and calls me and I missed her calls to tell me she is leaving I guess, I call her back she has me on speaker phone in the car she says she left and I start mentioning something financial about making sure there is enough money in one of our bank accounts to get their haircuts because that account has  a low balance it obviously started to embarrass her because she cuts me off and says by the way "John" is in the car. John is a co-worker of hers, she goes to me we are just giving John a ride home before our hair cuts.  She goes say hi to John. Now by the way John I have never met, she hardly knows him he's been working there like 1 or 2 months only. I feel a certain way about my daughter being in the car with a stranger like that I dont know and she barely knows. Am I blowing this out of proportion or right to feel concerned? I know I would never have some strange woman I work with and hardly know in the car with our daughter. She knows something is up as I'm trying to hide it and not cause a fight. What should I do? 

Edited December 9, 2019 by ct3498

[preraph]

You are totally blowing it out of proportion. There's nothing wrong with what she did. She's in the car right there with your daughter. You should just keep your mouth shut about it. You're being overly protective or jealous.

[Art_Critic]

It does sound as if you might be blowing it out of proportion some, I would not hesitate to take a coworker or any other person that I knew in the car with my son, man or woman and I wouldn't feel as if I needed to get my wife's permission...

 

I will say though that EVERY SINGLE time I have called my wife or answered the call when strangers to her or coworkers are in the car I mention to her that she is on hands free and other people are in the car  in order to not embarrass any one of us with something being said that shouldn't be.. it sounds like maybe she should have let you know it wasn't a protected conversation

Edited December 9, 2019 by Art_Critic

[Watercolors]

Wow ct, your wife was totally out of line to invite her male coworker in her car like that. Totally not ok for her to do that with your 7 year old daughter in the car. Add to the fact she's barely been at her new job for 1-2 months, and that looks really suspicious to me. Wow. You definitely need to confront your wife about her poor choices today. You are not blowing this out of proportion. And you have every right to feel concerned. What was she even thinking inviting her new male coworker in her car with your young daughter like that. That was so inappropriate. 

[ct3498]

2 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Wow ct, your wife was totally out of line to invite her male coworker in her car like that. Totally not ok for her to do that with your 7 year old daughter in the car. Add to the fact she's barely been at her new job for 1-2 months, and that looks really suspicious to me. Wow. You definitely need to confront your wife about her poor choices today. You are not blowing this out of proportion. And you have every right to feel concerned. What was she even thinking inviting her new male coworker in her car with your young daughter like that. That was so inappropriate. 

She's been at this job for 2 years but he's only been there for like a month or two. I agree with your post. I felt it was out of line, not the fact her give someone a ride, that is one thing and I can understand that if she was alone, but not on a day with our daughter in the car like that but the other two posters think I'm blowing it out of proportion and yes I'm protective of my daughter. If it was someone she knew along time I wouldn't feel funny about it. 

[Art_Critic]

How old is your Daughter ?

[Watercolors]

Wait...HE is the one who is new and she's been there 2 years? Wow, she's totally out of line. She barely knows that new male coworker. She put your daughter in possible danger. The only adults who should be around your daughter are friends and family -- not new coworkers. Never ignore your gut feelings. She was clearly not thinking of her daughter's safety. What was she thinking? She had scheduled haircuts for her and your daughter. Suddenly she has time to drive a new male coworker home? What if he tried something on your wife...or what if he asked your wife to drive him around and then she missed the haircut appointments prioritizing her new male coworker's "life" instead. Just not cool. Not cool at all. 

[ct3498]

She is only 7. And my wife only knows this co-worked like 1 month or 2 he just started at her job. Maybe I'm being overprotective of my daughter, but it seems you never know nowadays. 

[Watercolors]

ct it's just better to be overprotective of your daughter. You cannot trust anyone anymore. Your wife really wasn't thinking. I'm sure she'll accuse you of being jealous or overprotective to sidetrack you from holding her accountable. Don't let her sidetrack you. My sister raised 3 children and she NEVER drove any men she worked with around in her car when her children were in the car. And my sister's not afraid of people, but she's very protective of her children. Her husband is the same way. The only adults their children have been in cars with have been cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and close friends of my sister and brother-in-law. But not coworkers...esp. coworkers they barely know. You can't trust anyone anymore.  

[Art_Critic]

Just now, ct3498 said:

She is only 7. And my wife only knows this co-worked like 1 month or 2 he just started at her job. Maybe I'm being overprotective of my daughter, but it seems you never know nowadays. 

 

Why are you being so protective ? Do you not think your Wife has the ability to make good decisions when you are not there ?

 

IMO she didn't do anything wrong other tan not let you know right away that you were on hands free while he was there.

Are you telling me that if while taking your Daughter to some function by yourself that if a woman that you knew (let's say one of your Daughters friend's Mom's) needed a ride that you wouldn't do it ? Why not ?

 

[Art_Critic]

1 minute ago, Watercolors said:

I'm sure she'll accuse you of being jealous or overprotective to sidetrack you from holding her accountable.

 

 

He would be being jealous or controlling...

 

[ct3498]

2 minutes ago, Art_Critic said:

 

Why are you being so protective ? Do you not think your Wife has the ability to make good decisions when you are not there ?

 

IMO she didn't do anything wrong other tan not let you know right away that you were on hands free while he was there.

Are you telling me that if while taking your Daughter to some function by yourself that if a woman that you knew (let's say one of your Daughters friend's Mom's) needed a ride that you wouldn't do it ? Why not ?

 

If it was my daughters friends mom that would be a mutual party we all know and that would be fine even if she drove a my daughters friends dad somewhere I would be 100% fine with that. I'm not saying she won't make good decisions but we can't account for the decisions of this co-worker. Supposed he was crazy and decided to harm them. To be honest she doesn't know him like that. 

[Watercolors]

But the daughter's only 7 years old. What if his wife left her daughter alone in the car with her new male coworker whom she barely knows. He could literally do anything to  that child. 

[Art_Critic]

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

But the daughter's only 7 years old. What if his wife left her daughter alone in the car with her new male coworker whom she barely knows. He could literally do anything to  that child. 

 

Now you are stretching what was going on.. I wouldn't leave my Son with any adult that he doesn't know or that I don't know well enough to trust them like that, this is a car ride home from work...

 

Edited December 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Watercolors]

It's ok that we don't agree Art Critic. I think we see the situation differently. I think ct's wife should have first told him she was going to drive her male coworker home via text or phone call. Ct missed her calls (she could have told him in a voicemail, "I'm driving my new male coworker home"). She could have handled this situation in different ways that respect her husband's feelings, and keep the safety of their 7 year old daughter a priority. But she didn't respect ct's feelings. She just decided for herself that it would be ok to deviate from the planned after-work haircuts, and give her new male coworker a ride home. First of all, why did she feel the need to do this? Second of all, why didn't she tell her husband in her first phone call after work to him, via voicemail when he didn't answer? That tells me she's not very considerate of ct's feelings to begin with. I'm not saying she's not allowed to drive other adults in her car with their daughter. But for pete sake, their daughter is 7, and ct's wife barely knows her new male coworker so it is very odd that she decided to give this man a ride when he could probably drive himself (and why didn't he -- I'm curious as to why he didn't drive his own car to work, have AAA, a car loaner/rental to drive if his car was in the shop). It's all very strange. If this happened to me, I'd be pretty upset myself. 

[ct3498]

5 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

It's ok that we don't agree Art Critic. I think we see the situation differently. I think ct's wife should have first told him she was going to drive her male coworker home via text or phone call. Ct missed her calls (she could have told him in a voicemail, "I'm driving my new male coworker home"). She could have handled this situation in different ways that respect her husband's feelings, and keep the safety of their 7 year old daughter a priority. But she didn't respect ct's feelings. She just decided for herself that it would be ok to deviate from the planned after-work haircuts, and give her new male coworker a ride home. First of all, why did she feel the need to do this? Second of all, why didn't she tell her husband in her first phone call after work to him, via voicemail when he didn't answer? That tells me she's not very considerate of ct's feelings to begin with. I'm not saying she's not allowed to drive other adults in her car with their daughter. But for pete sake, their daughter is 7, and ct's wife barely knows her new male coworker so it is very odd that she decided to give this man a ride when he could probably drive himself (and why didn't he -- I'm curious as to why he didn't drive his own car to work, have AAA, a car loaner/rental to drive if his car was in the shop). It's all very strange. If this happened to me, I'd be pretty upset myself. 

He has no car and takes the bus to work and she said the bus was running on an off schedule today or something to that effect

[Watercolors]

So he takes the bus. Since when is it your wife's job to drive him home? Something's not copasetic about this...

[Mrin]

I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. 

[DKT3]

Saying he is overreacting without understanding his life experiences is a bit much. If his wife has a history of poor decisions it would make sense. Also her failing to mention the guy was in the car is odd to me. 

 

Again,  we all have different life experiences,  I for one would be uncomfortable with my daughter being in a car with any man I dont know. Especially if my wife also barely knows him. It doesn't sound like he is suggesting his wife is inappropriate with the guy, only that he is uncomfortable with his daughter riding around with a man she doesn't really know

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are jealous and blowing this completely out of proportion. 

[schlumpy]

I don't necessarily see any harm to the daughter but I do think you are right to be concerned. I would want to understand the situation clearly before I reached a conclusion. The question I want answered is why is she giving him a ride? Was it an emergency? Was it a one time help out the new employee? Did her boss ask her to help him? Was it on the way or did she have to cross town to deliver the goods? The context makes a huge difference. It would definitely stay on my mind until I was satisfied that I had the correct picture. Did he sit in the front seat or back seat?

 

I don't see this as a marriage ending event but there are some loose ends here that need to be tied up for your own satisfaction.

[d0nnivain]

Your wife was nice to a co-worker.  She taught your daughter the value of human kindness.  The idea that anybody thinks that is bad thing is sad, twisted & suspicious person, IMO.  

 

Given the nature of work, I would bet that your wife spent more actual hours awake in the presence of this co-worker then she did with you her husband over the course of the last 60 days.  She has a sense of what kind of man John is.  Unless your wife is the world's worst judge of character or her company hires convicted felons after they are released, try giving her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't doing anything to intentionally harm your kid.   She's an adult.  She has certain street smarts.  Trust her judgment.  

 

Edited December 9, 2019 by d0nnivain

[FMW]

In isolation, I see no reason to be upset with your wife giving him a ride with your daughter in the car.

 

Has she done other things to make you not trust her judgment?  Is this solely about your daughter being in the car or are you bothered about your wife being with him?

 

Whatever the situation, you feel what you feel, and you should definitely share that with your wife.  As long as you bring it up in a calm manner it shouldn't start a fight.  

Edited December 9, 2019 by Finding my way

[introverted1]

This sounds like a big nothingburger to me, unless you don't trust your wife. And if that's the case, you should be addressing that issue, not this benign favor.

[basil67]

I find it beyond sad that an act of kindness/chivalry on your wife's part is being viewed as terrible behaviour.   She sounds to me like a good person and someone I'd like to have as a friend.