mark clemson Posted December 9, 2019 Share Posted December 9, 2019 (edited) I think the "split decision" above shows you that there's no one right answer to this. Depends on your families' boundaries (and you and your wife may have slightly different "settings"). Was your child really in danger? Probably not, but one never truly "knows". Your wife's presumably known this guy a few months, so she may feel more comfortable with his safety level. Is she a poor judge of character? Maybe if you worked with him and knew him a bit you'd also be fine with it. Point being while he's a stranger to you, he's not one to her. Consider requesting of your wife that she simply let you know in advance if/when people you don't know personally (but that she thinks are ok) will be in the car with your child. Will that be enough for you? The other aspect alluded to above is the friendship and whether the ride home itself also violates boundaries. Again there's no one right answer. For those of us who've been around here a while, work "friendships" can sometimes lead to affairs. However, if your wife is generally trustworthy this is, at worst, a yellow flag (not red) if it's anything at all. Is this something you're comfortable with? Certainly there'd be no "cheating" with your 7 year old in the car. Unless, there are other issues, suggest you "trust but verify". That is, don't assume any wrongdoing, but keep half an eye on your wife's attitude towards this work friend. Suggest you DON'T make a big deal out of this friendship (trust) but maybe gather information and monitor her feelings (if she even has any) towards this guy and how much time they spend together. Then if there's a red flag (like they start going to lunch together, just the two of them, all the time) you can follow up and take any needed action. Edited December 9, 2019 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted December 9, 2019 Share Posted December 9, 2019 Is this the only co-worker she's done favors for or have there been others over the time she's worked there? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 9, 2019 Share Posted December 9, 2019 This just sounds like jealous insecurity to me, using the daughter to try to justify it. I mean, over the course of years of employment, I've given SO many fellow employees rides home or to lunch or to business meetings or whatever. Look, I am overly cautious, but there is NO reason to be legitimately paranoid about your daughter's safety here. The mom is with her. The mom knows who the guy is and where he is. The mom has a legit reason to give him a ride. She even called you while in the middle of it, so she wasn't trying to hide anything. This is your own insecurity. Start ragging on your wife about petty stuff like this and it's a good way to lose her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 9, 2019 Share Posted December 9, 2019 2 minutes ago, preraph said: This just sounds like jealous insecurity to me, using the daughter to try to justify it. I mean, over the course of years of employment, I've given SO many fellow employees rides home or to lunch or to business meetings or whatever. Look, I am overly cautious, but there is NO reason to be legitimately paranoid about your daughter's safety here. I agree, this is playing the "danger card" to justify what amounts to a desire to control. I have done the same, given rides and accepted rides from fellow co workers, single guys. marred guys, old men, young men, good looking men, ugly men.... NOTHING has ever happened because whilst ALL men are now murderers, rapists and paedophiles the reality is very, very, very few are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ct3498 Posted December 10, 2019 Author Share Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: I think the "split decision" above shows you that there's no one right answer to this. Depends on your families' boundaries (and you and your wife may have slightly different "settings"). Was your child really in danger? Probably not, but one never truly "knows". Your wife's presumably known this guy a few months, so she may feel more comfortable with his safety level. Is she a poor judge of character? Maybe if you worked with him and knew him a bit you'd also be fine with it. Point being while he's a stranger to you, he's not one to her. Consider requesting of your wife that she simply let you know in advance if/when people you don't know personally (but that she thinks are ok) will be in the car with your child. Will that be enough for you? The other aspect alluded to above is the friendship and whether the ride home itself also violates boundaries. Again there's no one right answer. For those of us who've been around here a while, work "friendships" can sometimes lead to affairs. However, if your wife is generally trustworthy this is, at worst, a yellow flag (not red) if it's anything at all. Is this something you're comfortable with? Certainly there'd be no "cheating" with your 7 year old in the car. Unless, there are other issues, suggest you "trust but verify". That is, don't assume any wrongdoing, but keep half an eye on your wife's attitude towards this work friend. Suggest you DON'T make a big deal out of this friendship (trust) but maybe gather information and monitor her feelings (if she even has any) towards this guy and how much time they spend together. Then if there's a red flag (like they start going to lunch together, just the two of them, all the time) you can follow up and take any needed action. She definitely probably wasn't in danger at anytime but my thing is who really knows. I think her judge of character is pretty good so I can't question her there at all. I don't want my daughter riding in the car with anybody whom she just met and doesn't really know that well. If she worked with this guy for a year or so and had a good feel for him I'd say go for it and have no issue with it all. I just don't want my daughter in the car with some random guy that she doesn't really know that well. I don't question her to monitor her feelings toward him, that's not at all the issue here and I trust her on that level that she would not cross the line. Edited December 10, 2019 by ct3498 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ct3498 Posted December 10, 2019 Author Share Posted December 10, 2019 So I tried to play it off last night and she kept egging me to know what was wrong and just simply stated listen I know you were trying to do something nice for this guy but I'd appreciate it if you don't put my daughter in a situation with a stranger like that in the vehicle driving him to a bad area of town to boot with my daughter in the car. What you do on your own personal time is your own business I said and there was plenty of other people in that meeting who could have given him a ride home. It definitely triggered her and she took it much worse than I thought. Keep in mind I failed to mention she said this guy had an issue already with a boss saying he didn't want to do something and made a big stinkhe was asked because it wasn't in his job description (which it ended up being in his job description) so I'm not sure of his character to begin with. Her response was I don't see the big deal, I already gave him a ride home before (which I never knew about) and I said that is fine what you do on your own time but you don't know this guy that well to give him rides with our daughter. She laughed in my face and said she will do what she wants with her daughter and she wouldn't put her in harms way. And then this morning she text me that she thinks it's best we go separate ways. I was pretty shocked but I'll let it play out however it will. I would never beg someone to be with me. She as at home now giving me the silent treatment but I stand by my decision and think her giving someone a ride is no big deal but not a stranger that you just met with my kid in the car. That's how I see it, people on here saying I'm being jealous and controlling, it has nothing to do with her giving a ride, I could give whoot less about that. It's just a stranger with my kid in the car is a big no no in my book. And yes most men aren't pedophiles or murderers or rapists but there are plenty who seemed like the nicest guys in the world and conned their way with cunning attributes to which I bet their victims if they could would replay time and make a different choice. At the end of the day if she wants to leave me over my opinion on this it's a shame and her loss but she could be just talking junk to me out of anger but we will find out in coming days I guess. I'm going to play it cool and see what happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) So digging in your heels and not seeing her side was the best way to go, confront and control... That's a pretty aggressive manner of conversation over something so minor. Is there no middle ? only your way or the highway ? I would tend to think that her reaction to your action is brought on by more than this incident, she must be stewing over other things to come out with a show stopper so fast... If you are going to play it cool till she comes around are you going to continue to dig your heels in or are you going to try and meet in the middle ? it sounds to me like you are just waiting for her to come to her senses and admit she was wrong and I don't think that is going to happen.. it takes both parties to make amends not just one side. Edited December 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 I have to say you caught me by surprise. Want to tell us what is really going on? I don't think it's fair for you to ask for advice and then keep the context to yourself. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 Sounds like unless you try to build some bridges here with your wife, some other guy will be bringing up your kid... Is what you really want? Your wife sounds like she is at the end of her tether, why do you think that is? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 If she's all of a sudden leaving you, then I highly doubt that your opinion on this subject is the only issue going on in your marriage. How about painting a more complete picture of what's going on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 1 hour ago, ct3498 said: And then this morning she text me that she thinks it's best we go separate ways. There is way more going on here then your wife giving somebody from her office a ride. Your wife sent you a TEXT saying she wants a divorce. That is all kinds of screwed up. Who does that? If she doesn't have the maturity to sit down & discuss your marriage or it's end with you, she's unfit to be a wife or a mother. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 Unless of course, there's a whole enormous history and the respect between both of them has long gone. Rather than reflecting on her fitness as wife or mother, sending such a message by text tells me that she no longer gives a damn 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 Letting someone know you don't trust their judgment with their own child is pretty serious. There's no one more ferocious than a mother when it comes to protecting her child. So unless she has done some negligent things with her daughter before, there is simply no grounds for you to feel that way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 Okay, this really sounds like alot of context is missing. Sounds like the marriage has been on the rocks for awhile and this was just the tipping point. I did find it odd that there was so much hostile vibes towards the wife in the begining of the post. This isn't just about your "opinion" that she is pissed or hurt by. You are essentially telling her that you don't trust her judgement, and you don't trust her ability to protect her own child or trust that she has her own child's best interests at heart. You are also essentially suggesting her co-worker is a potential pedophile, murderer and rapist, but yet, in the same breath, you also said you don't care what she did in her own time. Sounds like you don't care about your wife or her safety with potential pedophile/murderer/rapist co-worker as long as your daughter isn't in the picture. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 There is more history between this guy and your wife. It sounds to me as though she was introducing your kid to her 'new daddy'. If it were me and my wife did such a sleazy thing as to notify me of the impending divorce by text, I'd be only too glad to get rid of her... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 20 hours ago, ct3498 said: She as at home now giving me the silent treatment but I stand by my decision and think her giving someone a ride is no big deal but not a stranger that you just met with my kid in the car. I don't assume new daddy or anything (certainly hope not) but he's not a stranger she just met to her. So part of this is that you're really not trusting her judgement (in her view). Hopefully this doesn't escalate to actual divorce. She's certainly thrown down the glove (I hope/assume she isn't the type to make separation threats regularly and then walk them back). Is this the hill you want your marriage to die on? I agree you should consider offering an olive branch here. I'm going to take a wild guess that the intimacy here hasn't been good for a while either. Assuming you reconcile from this argument, I think you should probably consider marriage counseling. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 On 12/8/2019 at 9:13 PM, Art_Critic said: How old is your Daughter ? He posted that his daughter is 7 years old. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) On 12/8/2019 at 9:13 PM, Art_Critic said: How old is your Daughter ? Daughter is 7. Have you people never watched the news? There are 1000’s of missing people That were last seen with a stranger. There are hundreds for cases were someone has committed violence against someone that gave them a ride. Hundreds of women are attacked each day. Here you all are calling OP jealous? my wife would never give a stranger a ride let alone with our kids in the car. Neither would I. My wife has given co workers rides home or to the shop to pick their vehicle up. She has always called to let me know. Your wife was wrong with giving a stranger a ride home, especially with your 7 year old in the car. Both mothers and fathers make mistakes when it comes to protecting their kids. How else would you account for a child being left in a hot car. There are neglectful parents that should never have the care of a child to begin with. Edited December 10, 2019 by usa1ah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 ^ I follow crime and these types of crimes and in all these years, never seen one where it happened from a mom giving a coworker a ride home. 85 percent of the time or higher, it's a relative or someone you let take care of the kid or a neighbor or coach, someone who is around them when you aren't present. He's being ridiculous and using that child to justify his jealousy and he's showing tremendous lack of respect and trust for the mother of his child. It's not like she's bringing him home with her. She's not a child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) Mother took her child to a park to play. She sat in her car while the child played on the playground. When she went to get her off the playground, she could not find her daughter. They have never found the child. She was 4 years old. A 26-year-old Florida woman may never walk again after her kind gesture to offer a stranger a ride to the hospital turned into a nightmare attack that has ruined her life. Woman Survives Attack After Coworker Tries to Behead Her These are the headlines I have just pulled up. Edited December 10, 2019 by usa1ah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) ^ Yeah, I saw that. She was negligent -- or it was set up. And I bet they find out either 1) That child was "leased" to get across the border, one way or the other. Remember in the report, there were illegals involved, or 2) She was sold. That woman had something real wrong with her affect. Dead eyes, flat demeanor, like a lot of bad people. That child may not ever have been hers if she brought her over, and she may have released her or returned her to the rightful parents. I hope they find out. Of course, she gave the classic "a black guy did it" story. Didn't you find it odd her little boy couldn't talk? Something way wrong there with that whole picture. Edited December 10, 2019 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) The one I am talking about, the mother has no clue who took her child. She didn’t see anything. A 5-year-old girl vanished from a New Jersey playground. Is this the same one your talking about? Edited December 10, 2019 by usa1ah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 Seems like things took a really bad turn very quickly. I'm with the others who think there must be a lot more involved than the OP shared. It's crazy to text about ending your marriage after a disagreement like this, so unless the wife is unbalanced there is a lot of background information missing. I can see the wife telling OP he's an a**, but bringing up going their separate ways is bewildering. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 I believe the guy is her affair partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ct3498 Posted December 11, 2019 Author Share Posted December 11, 2019 (edited) 20 hours ago, preraph said: ^ I follow crime and these types of crimes and in all these years, never seen one where it happened from a mom giving a coworker a ride home. 85 percent of the time or higher, it's a relative or someone you let take care of the kid or a neighbor or coach, someone who is around them when you aren't present. He's being ridiculous and using that child to justify his jealousy and he's showing tremendous lack of respect and trust for the mother of his child. It's not like she's bringing him home with her. She's not a child. Jealousy in what sense? I've given females rides home from work before but NEVER would with my daughter in the car unless my wife knew them or I knew the person for long enough to judge them. I have no issues if she gave the ride without my kid in the car. 19 hours ago, usa1ah said: I believe the guy is her affair partner. That's absurd. Edited December 11, 2019 by ct3498 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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