How do I confront her?

[ct3498]

So last night we spoke for the first time. It started as maybe we'd be better as friends she said to me because we don't see eye to eye on certain topics lately(mostly investment/money related stuff according to her).  I prefer to invest the extra income into our retirement accounts and she prefers to spend the extra income. Probably our biggest issue. And the Holidays spending she is a big spender for it where as I'm more conservative could have added some edge to things us for lately she said. 

 

So she dropped a bomb and was like maybe we'd be better as friends and she feels the relationship is a roller coaster ride with our different views on money. As the talk progressed she then said if it wasn't for our child she probably would  have left already, I was a little shocked there. Then at the end of the conversation she was like we should stay together but work on our differences on the investing and try to be together because she has "feelings for me" still and hopes we can see eye to eye. 

It was kind of mind boggling conversation and how it started as we should be friends, then her telling me if wasn't for the kid she would have left me to  let's stay together and work things out. I'm replaying in my mind all day at work and still don't know what to make of it all. Kind of a whirlwind and taking it all in. She's been texting me throughout the day like normal but I'm just still kind of replaying how last night played out. Any opinions? maybe I shouldn't take the stuff she said at the beginning for face value IDK?

Edited December 11, 2019 by ct3498

[preraph]

Oh I think she took this incident and the resulting blow up as an opportunity to let you know that she hasn't been happy for some time and sounds light doesn't have romantic feelings for you anymore, hence the be just friends. You're probably too jealous for her. Of course just friends means no sex. So basically sounds like she's willing to stay if you'll try to get along as a friend and partner but not as a wife and is doing it for the child.

[ct3498]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

Oh I think she took this incident and the resulting blow up as an opportunity to let you know that she hasn't been happy for some time and sounds light doesn't have romantic feelings for you anymore, hence the be just friends. You're probably too jealous for her. Of course just friends means no sex. So basically sounds like she's willing to stay if you'll try to get along as a friend and partner but not as a wife and is doing it for the child.

Jealous in what sense? We've never had a fight about another person. We both have mutual friends we hang out with and our own social lives without each other.  Maybe you are misreading what I wrote but we've never fought over jealousy issues such as accusations cheating etc. only monetary issues. Our sex life to be honest has been pretty good, just a week before this happened she was out with her friends for wine night and she came home and woke me up in the middle of the night for sex. But I am open to and respect your opinion and thoughts on the subject.

[elaine567]

I think what Preraph is picking up on is that "let's be friends" is not what most married couples say to each other even when fighting.
I agree friends = no sex and she is likely no longer very attracted to you in that way.

I think she laid it on the line, probably her true feelings, then remembered the child and her responsibility to the marriage and decided that
 she needed to give it a chance.

[ct3498]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think what Preraph is picking up on is that "let's be friends" is not what most married couples say to each other even when fighting.
I agree friends = no sex and she is likely no longer very attracted to you in that way.

I think she laid it on the line, probably her true feelings, then remembered the child and her responsibility to the marriage and decided that
 she needed to give it a chance.

She said friends in the beginning which does mean no sex I agree. But then was like we should be together and work on our differences. How do I take this. Before this incident life sex life was fairly normal, I'd say once or twice a week usually and she would initiate about half of the time I'd say.  Now you have me thinking though How should I proceed? 

[elaine567]

Of course women tend to need stability and connection to want to be intimate with a man.
Maybe your recent troubles have caused her to feel more distant.
You both working on things, listening to each other and increasing communication may work wonders.

[preraph]

You have to understand that once a woman is really disappointed by a man, not always but sex is often the first thing to go. Those extra feelings go and there's very often no way of getting it back. 

[mark clemson]

Well, assuming you want to stay in the marriage, I'd redouble the suggestions for couple's counseling as it sounds very much like it's needed. You both have thrown each other lifelines so that's at least something. But clearly some wheels are starting to come off the train.

 

If the sex is good or at an acceptable level for you then suggest you try to ensure it continues. A person on LS mentioned that some married women get eager for affairs in part because they are sex-starved (because they don't **** their husbands anymore as passive aggressive/resentful behavior due to other problems in the marriage). No doubt that's not the only driver for a female affair, but it does make sense. You don't sound at all interested in straying, but that also helps you stay put. There are many "foundations" to a good marriage as people say. IMO one of them is that both partners' needs are getting met.

 

And yes, do keep an eye on this co-worker. Personally, I wouldn't jump to conclusions yet, but given everything else it's worth monitoring.

Edited December 11, 2019 by mark clemson

[ct3498]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Well, assuming you want to stay in the marriage, I'd redouble the suggestions for couple's counseling as it sounds very much like it's needed. You both have thrown each other lifelines so that's at least something. But clearly some wheels are starting to come off the train.

 

If the sex is good or at an acceptable level for you then try to ensure it continues. A person on LS mentioned that some married women get eager for affairs in part because they are sex-starved (because they don't **** their husbands anymore as passive aggressive/resentful behavior due to other problems in the marriage). No doubt that's not the only driver for a female affair, but it does make sense. You don't sound at all interested in straying, but that also helps you stay put. There are many "foundations" to a good marriage as people say. IMO one of them is that both partners' needs are getting met.

 

And yes, do keep an eye on this co-worker. Personally, I wouldn't jump to conclusions yet, but given everything else it's worth monitoring.

Yeah our sex life has been normal lately and even she initiates quite often herself so that's why I'm stumped here reading the replies. Counseling is something I was thinking of bringing up to her actually. 

[schlumpy]

Does she respond to math?  I'm an American so adjust this for whatever country you live in.

 

The agreed upon retirement figure among investment advisors for two people retiring at age 65 is 1.2 million dollars. This will vary according to life style but 1.2 mil should get most people through their retirement years.

 

 It's a simple compound interest math problem where you take the number of years you have left to contribute to a retirement account and assume an average rate of return. You can easily go to an investment site and plug in the numbers. The number that comes up is your monthly contribution to reach whatever retirement goal you wish to reach. You set that money aside each month and she can spend the rest. 

[usa1ah]

No one says “maybe we should be just friends” for no reason. Your argument over your daughter is not the reason for it. 
 

I stand by what I posted earlier about your wife might be having an affair. Something is not adding up. I am not saying you are not telling us everything that you see going on. I am saying that you don’t know everything that is going on in your wife’s life. Your wife really trust this new coworker that is supposed to be a stranger, why is that?

 

Also the threat to end your marriage instead of never giving the coworker another ride, that is where your wife went with it. Who does this? Someone having an affair. 

Edited December 12, 2019 by usa1ah

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Also the threat to end your marriage instead of never giving the coworker another ride, that is where your wife went with it. Who does this? Someone having an affair. 

 

That's what I was thinking too about his situation. If their marriage was on stable ground, this would simply be an argument over boundaries (not having strangers in the car with the 7 year old daughter). But, for the wife to escalate the argument from 0 to 100 makes me think she and her male coworker who takes the bus, have been spending a lot more time together than the wife could be letting on. No one would get that defensive about 1-2 rides for a coworker of the opposite gender, unless it was an emotional or physical affair going on. Platonic work relationships don't cause spouses to escalate into threats to end their marriage. So, definitely something's going on that the wife isn't being transparent with the OP about.

[Artdeco]

It would make me quite furious if I had a partner telling me what to do, unless of course I’m insulting him, spending all his money recklessly, disrespecting him, or worse offenses. His W went somewhere with her child, and gave somebody a ride afterwards. That’s not disrespectful nor is it dangerous for the child, unless you’re a paranoid prick with no common sense. Or controlling AF. Are you kidding me? She did nothing wrong. 
 

If OP usually displays this very paranoid or controlling behavior in his marriage (and I’m thinking it’s jealousy, insecurity, and control issues, rather than paranoia), I’m not surprised that the W is unhappy. This might have been the last straw for her. I wouldn’t put up with this either. It’s 2020, people! He has no control over his wife. She’s an adult. And as long as she’s not endangering her daughter, or endangering the marriage, or cheating on him, or being extremely irresponsible with finances and what not, he needs to calm.down. She did nothing wrong. Sounds like he wants her to ask his permission for everything. This is insecure and unattractive. 

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, Artdeco said:

And as long as she’s not endangering her daughter,

 

We don't know anything about their marriage. And we each have different opinions about what constitutes safety for a 7 year old child in the car with an adult stranger based on our own cognitive bias and personal preference. 

 

We don't know if the wife only drove her bus-commuting coworker once or twice. Maybe it's been more. And, why is this new coworker asking a married woman to give him a ride home instead of his routine of taking the bus? 

 

I think with all the crazies in the world, I would not drive a coworker home I didn't know that well, if I had my child/ren in the car with me. That's my own personal preference. If the OP gave more context about the state of their marriage prior to this incident, it would be easier to understand the wife's reaction. 

[usa1ah]

 

Just a reminder, the daughter belongs to both of them. 
 

ct3498, do you know this co-workers name? If you do there are sites that you can use to see if he has a criminal record. 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory remark

[Artdeco]

Since she’s the one working with him, I’m sure he knows him better than we do. I’d give any coworker a ride, unless I didn’t like him/her. Child in the car or not. That’s just ludicrous. She’s an adult and he should trust her judgement. No mother, unless unfit, would be stupid enough to endanger her child. If the threshold is that low, we need to homeschool all kids from now on. Schools have become more of a danger zone than (friendly) coworkers will ever be. 

[DKT3]

Hmm, that conversation sounds alot like a woman having an affair.  

 

Here is my thoughts. You questioned her about giving this dude a ride and the conversation began with we should be friends.  Then subject change and now its let's work it out.

 

Classic gaslighting,  she got you off the topic of this guy onto what you're doing wrong. I would quietly check into the possibility of an affair.  Check her data usage via the phone bill. Note odd times for communication.  Heavy communication during her commute to and from work. Affairs alway follow the same pattern...think 16 year old girl,  that's how grown women behavior while in affairs. 

[basil67]

22 hours ago, Watercolors said:

 

 No one would get that defensive about 1-2 rides for a coworker of the opposite gender, unless it was an emotional or physical affair going on. 

Or if the partner was controlling, miserable or just otherwise intolerable to be with.   Do you know the term "the straw which broke the camel's back"?  It's a real thing. 

[elaine567]

The coworker is new, only been there 2-3 months, I highly doubt any woman would want to leave her marriage and subject her child to a divorce, for someone she had only known for such a short time.
I believe as Basil has stated this is a "last straw" scenario.
Men can often think disagreements are "fixed" as women will often "give in" to protect themselves or to keep the peace.
She stops arguing so he thinks  everything is fine. BUT she remembers every little slight, every hurt, every wound for literally years.
One day sometimes over something relatively trivial, the last straw breaks the camel's back and  she decides enough is enough and she communicates  she wants to leave. or she just walks out...
Her husband is blindsided...

[Watercolors]

40 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Or if the partner was controlling, miserable or just otherwise intolerable to be with.   Do you know the term "the straw which broke the camel's back"?  It's a real thing. 

 

True. I know that idiom. Yes, the OP could be those things. Maybe I'm naive as I don't get the impression he is. I do think we're not being told the full story though. It seems odd that his wife would react that strongly unless she was doing something with her male coworker, or the OP isn't being transparent about his relationship with his wife that lead up to this thread's subject. 

[usa1ah]

I love how some of you always go after the guys that come here. 
  
Always the guy is a over reacting control freak with a sadistic view on sex or could never satisfy his wife. 
 

 

14 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The coworker is new, only been there 2-3 months, I highly doubt any woman would want to leave her marriage and subject her child to a divorce, for someone she had only known for such a short time.
I believe as Basil has stated this is a "last straw" scenario.
Men can often think disagreements are "fixed" as women will often "give in" to protect themselves or to keep the peace.
She stops arguing so he thinks  everything is fine. BUT she remembers every little slight, every hurt, every wound for literally years.
One day sometimes over something relatively trivial, the last straw breaks the camel's back and  she decides enough is enough and she communicates  she wants to leave. or she just walks out...
Her husband is blindsided...

Why do you think this?

 

There are stories on here that prove other wise. 

Edited December 14, 2019 by usa1ah

[FMW]

I agree with Elaine.  I think the OP has missed a LOT of signals along the way.  You don't just get to the "we'd be better as friends" stage in a marriage without a lot of history. 

 

I was unhappy for years with my marriage and with my ex-husband's infidelity.  I even confronted him point blank about the infidelity, which he didn't deny.  I specifically said I wasn't sure I could continue in the marriage. Then three months later he claimed to be "blindsided" when I told him I wanted a divorce.  In his mind, because I hadn't been making huge scenes and had handled things quietly and calmly, he apparently thought I was ok with things.

 

Maybe OP's wife is interested in or even involved with another man.  But that doesn't happen either without a decline in connection and feeling for her husband.  Something that doesn't happen without signs along the way.    

Edited December 14, 2019 by Finding my way

[usa1ah]

Finding my way, that is not always the case. There are many threads where the wayward spouse says the marriage was great just the normal ups and downs. That they didn’t even know themselves why they cheated. It’s the same when a SO cheats right before they get married, they should still be in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. 
 

Guys are not mind readers. If our SO is not communicating their thoughts and feelings with us, we can not work with them to fix the relationship. It is more on OP’s wife if she has not come to ct3498 and talked things through. He has explained the issue over the difference of opinion about spending and saving money.  She used the fact that he thought it best to save money instead of letting she spend it as why they “should be just friends”. 
 

There are to many threads to count that start out my SO just started working at “blank” or there is a new man/female working with my SO. There is no set time period for an affair to happen. Some husbands and wives check out for years without the other one knowing it. 
 

There are to many things that can lead to what is going on with ct3498 that it is just wrong to assume that he is the cause of it all. 

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

If our SO is not communicating their thoughts and feelings with us, we can not work with them to fix the relationship. It is more on OP’s wife if she has not come to ct3498 and talked things through.

We are not talking about marriages with lovely open communication.
The problem is often that in many relationships where the wife goes quiet, the husband is not open to discussion.
He pooh poohs, he refuses to discuss, he uses his power to dominate and bulldoze. He may be scary, he may be aggressive, verbally or physically, He may be manipulative.
He may not need to keep actively bullying or coercing, but she will  know her place and she may never seriously rock the boat, she walks on eggshells. 
She then gives up, she goes quiet until she can no longer tolerate it any longer.

[usa1ah]

So why do you just assume this is the OP situation. 

Edited December 14, 2019 by usa1ah