I think my girlfriend may be breaking up with me? I haven't heard from her in days.

[fly_five]

So my girlfriend and I had a huge fight days ago.

We had planned almost a month ago for me to spend Christmas with her and her family. This would be our first Christmas together and the first time I would be meeting her family. I took her to get some drinks and told her that I needed to tell her something- that I would be going to stay with my friend in NYC from the 23rd-26th (my family lives on the West Coast). She got super pissed. I knew she would be upset but to be pissed seems like an overreaction. I told her the reason why I wouldn't be spending Christmas with her and her family is because her mother is religious and wouldn't want me spending the night so I would have to drive down there that day and drive back later. I'm not driving 2 hours to and from, especially on Christmas. I told her I thought this was petty. I told her that it's not that I don't want to meet her family and I could meet them the next time her parents came to visit her. She flipped tf out. Like REALLY flipped out. She kept saying how I knew spending Christmas together was important to her and how embarrassing it is that her entire family knew I was coming and now how I'm not coming all because I didn't feel like driving down. Then she went on about how what is her mother going to think of me now before she's even met me because I'm no longer coming for Christmas for a stupid reason (not stupid to me). Then she got up, left, got her stuff, and went back home. I tried to go after but she whipped around and told me not to follow her and to go to NY. I haven't heard from her since and it's been days. I've been giving her her space but she was just so angry and it's been days so I don't know if she's broken up with me.

All in all, I feel like she really overreacted.

[Art_Critic]

Yikes... I'd be pissed if I was her too, seems like you don't like her enough to be inconvenienced by the drive and then blame her Mom... yikes...

 

Sounds like a breakup is in your future...

 

The only way out of this is to realize the mess up and apologize..

 

 

[greymatter]

It should have been brought up as a discussion between the two of you, not you telling her what you decided. I don't blame her for being upset. 

[K.K.]

Why did you really not want to go to her family’s though? Was the reason that you gave her truthful about the driving or did you just not want to go there? I’m not passing judgment- just genuinely curious. 

 

Yea she’s probably crazy mad right now. I don’t think she necessarily is broken up with you, just so mad that she can’t see straight most likely. I mean, it’s understandable. She’s embarrassed and hurt. 

 

 

[mortensorchid]

I agree, you did bad in this situation.  You should have clarified with her / her mom what the sleeping arrangements would be instead of just say "I'm going to be with my friend instead", you agreed to be there.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm with your girlfriend on this. What you did was rude and inconsiderate. 

 

She is rightfully hurt, and now embarrassed that she has to explain to her family that you are pulling out. Not cool, OP. It makes you look bad, and with good reason. 

 

You are probably right that a break-up is coming. 

[Legatus]

If you knew her mother was religious and wouldn't want you to spend the night then you should have never agreed to spend Christmas with her. I do agree that it's a good enough reason not to go there. I am agnostic myself and prefer to avoid any religious gatherings because I don't need to waste time explaining myself why I don't want to pray etc. 

 

I do think she overreacted a little bit because she's more worried about how she will look in the eyes of her family. Her hurt is exaggerated because of the pressure her family would put on her when they find out you bailed. 

[PegNosePete]

Meeting the family at Christmas is probably not such a good idea. Better to meet up neutrally beforehand rather than one of the most family-oriented, stressful times of year.

 

However, the big problem is that you agreed to go a month ago, and now 2 weeks beforehand, you cancel to go party with your buddies. Total douche move. If I were her I'd be mad too. If you commit to something, especially something that other people will make arrangements around and anticipate your presence, then you should stick to it. Otherwise you're just a sucka whose promises mean nothing, and who doesn't consider others. And that's what she thinks of you now - someone who will casually break his word because he'd rather go party in NYC than meet her mother.

 

Edited December 9, 2019 by PegNosePete

[Foxhall]

yes I suppose it depends on how much you like her or otherwise,

your going to have to grovel if you want her back,

 

Like a few others said I dont think it is a major inconvenience to drive up and down, its not about sleeping together, its about bonding with her family and keeping her sweet,

 

if you are into her, you will surely agree to that.

[elaine567]

Not only did you not have the cohones to tell her you would not be spending time with her over Christmas till the last minute, but you just happened to set up a nice trip with your mates instead...
You showed you are unreliable and selfish, more concerned with having a good time  with your friends, than worried about upsetting your gf and letting her and her family down at Xmas time.
You seem to have little comprehension as to what you did here.
This could definitely be a deal-breaker.
If this girl is easy come easy go then let her go but if she means something to you then pulling stunts like this is not the way to keep her.
She may or may not give you a second chance, but if she does, then you need to learn fast how to treat people like human beings.
Too many guys come on here with broken hearts over women THEY treated badly.
"I never realised what I had, I will change". BUT too little to late, she keeps on walking away.
Family love is unconditional, romantic love rarely is, you reap what you sow.

[Trail Blazer]

You blew it, buddy!  It may not be the end of your relationship, but you're certainly in the wrong.  You have some making up to do!

[lurker74]

If you haven't heard from her in days, yes, she's breaking up. And she should. You could've booked a hotel room near her house and been there for an important day for her while cutting down on your lack of convenience. And let's be honest...if you love someone, two hours isn't much. You just want to hang out with friends. 

[d0nnivain]

I don't mean to pile on.  But your GF did not overreact.   You hurt her deeply by unilaterally changing plans that were important to her without so much as talking to her.  

 

If you had expressed these travel concerns, sleeping arrangements & the mom's religious views with your GF you probably could have worked out a compromise but to unilaterally ditch her without giving her any input that was a slap in the face.  You essentially told her that you don't care about her. 

 

You have some ability to fix this with a huge bouquet of holiday flowers, a sincere apology & your commitment honoring your original agreement to spend Christmas with her.  However, since you truly believe that she's overreacting, you best just let her go so she can find a kinder more sensitive man to date who won't break her heart like this.  

[schlumpy]

If she did not know how much value you placed on the relationship she certainly does now after you sent her such a clear message. You better hope she likes you more then you like her because if not, you are done.

[smackie9]

Your gf was damn serious about this relationship, and probably considered a future with you I'm sure. Meeting the family should have been your top priority. First impressions count, and you failed miserably. Obviously you are not the right guy for her.

[Wanderlust2018]

I would have to agree with the previous replies and advice.

 

You made a commitment and really should have kept it, irregardless of her family dynamics. Trust is built when commitments are made and kept...outside of some tragedy or serious event happening. 

 

Ive been in a similar situation with the whole staying over thing. I was happy just to be invited, and also to go and be part of the trip. I gladly stayed at a hotel to be supportive and flexible. Had some of the best sex ever before my girlfriend would head back to her parents house that trip!   Sure, if it were downstream in the relationship after having met and spent time with the parents, I might be a bit concerned if I wasn’t invited to stay at their house, or my girlfriend didn’t stay with me at the hotel on subsequent visits.

 

Breaking a commitment is a pretty big deal and doesn’t demonstrate flexibility and understanding of one’s partner or their needs in my opinion. 

 

Just my $0.02 worth...

[Rockdad]

My friend you better get your head around that sometimes family functions can be as a hassle and it would  be more fun to have a tooth pulled.

 

[preraph]

You could have gotten a motel.  

[Ruby Slippers]

Not only did you prove to her you're an immature boy who can't be relied on to make an important plan and stick to it, you humiliated her before her family.

 

With your poor attitude and planning, at this stage you don't have the maturity it takes to sustain a loving relationship. Hopefully you learn something from this.

[fishlips]

I agree with the others that you were in the wrong. If you want her back, then call her up, admit you were in the wrong, and offer to make it up to her and her family. She may or may not come around, but all you can do is try.

 

Why did you assume you would have to drive back and forth? Maybe her mother would have given you another room to sleep in, or at least offered you the couch. 

[snowboy91]

Agree with everyone else here. Basically you decided to change your mind and make your own plans without even consulting her first.

Changing your mind about a family Christmas thing is pretty bad form, but you could (no guarantee) have avoided a lot of trouble if you had expressed how you felt about the situation (not wanting to drive, issues with staying the night) before making your own plans. The whole point is you need to be open about these things - otherwise how could you be trusted at your word?

[fromheart]

Well, you certainly got roasted on this thread.

Thing is, you can't be expected to spend 2 hours commuting on Christmas.  And then you can't even sleep with your GF.  Other posters don't seem to realize that hotels are fully booked and very expensive over Christmas.

I wouldn't expect a gf to drive for 2 hours over the holidays, and then spend her night alone in an expensive hotel because mom thinks god is watching.  And maybe a gf would be offended to just presume that I should be ok with it.

Besides, it sounds like you have been dating for less than a year.  To use a common argument on this thread, why she should presume that you must spend the holidays with her?  You're still getting to know one another. 

At the same time, it would make more sense if you were actually spending the holidays with your family and not friends!  So I  can see a part of her point also.

[introverted1]

@fromheart you are overlooking the fact that he previously agreed to spend Christmas with her.  The time to worry about the drive and sleeping arrangements was before he accepted, not 2 weeks prior to the event after having already said 'yes'.

[fromheart]

People are allowed to think over things, and then change their mind.  Men aren't mindless robots you know.

[PegNosePete]

2 minutes ago, fromheart said:

People are allowed to think over things, and then change their mind.  Men aren't mindless robots you know.

 

Right, and he should've taken time to think about it before agreeing to it.