I think my girlfriend may be breaking up with me? I haven't heard from her in days.

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, fromheart said:

People are allowed to think over things, and then change their mind.  Men aren't mindless robots you know.

 

 

He was allowed to reconsider the wisdom of spending Christmas with his GF under the circumstances & inconveniences she described.  What set her off was the way he went about telling her.  He had agreed to spend the day with her & her family.  She relied on that promise & mad plans accordingly.  She was excited & looking forward to it.  Then without talking to her about it, he unilaterally changed his mind & presented it to her as done deal, regardless of how it hurt her.  

 

His failure to consider how she feels or communicate his concerns  are the unpardonable sins, not the fact that he changed his mind.  

[smackie9]

Could have suggested a Christmas brunch (yes there are restaurants that are open on Christmas day) and meet half way for a few hours, exchange gifts, etc as an alternative. OR could have suggest to sleep on the couch. I'm sure her parents would have been convinced that is OK, since it is a two hour drive.

Edited December 10, 2019 by smackie9

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, fromheart said:

People are allowed to think over things, and then change their mind.  Men aren't mindless robots you know.

 

Of course.

 

But then the mature thing to do would have been to have a conversation with her where he could express his concerns and look for ways to resolve them together.  Instead, he booked a vacation and then announced to his gf that he'd changed his plans.  Poor form, at best.

 

There's also this to consider:  sometimes, when we are invested in a relationship, we do things we aren't necessarily thrilled to do.  Diapering the baby at 3am.  Putting up with a snoring spouse.  Shoveling the walk after it snows.  Going to a relative's house for holiday dinner.  If OP is serious about this woman, a 2 hour drive on Christmas is no big deal.  If it's casual, well, then, I suppose he has no concerns about being broken up with.

[fly_five]

She sent me this....

 

 

 

I'm sure you think I'm overreacting and I'm being unfair, but I'm not. I just don't think you understand. 

 

I am extremely hurt, disappointed, and embarrassed. Spending Christmas together wasn't just some holiday or a day to spend together. To me it marked a really significant milestone in our relationship. You asked me weeks ago when was the last time I brought someone home for Christmas and I told you it had been years. It has been almost 10 years since I brought someone home to meet my family just in general. I didn't even ask my last ex to meet my family and we dated for a long time. I, however, asked you to meet my family - so think about the significance of that - how much you meant to me more than the others. My dad has never asked to meet any of the men I've dated, but he said he wanted to meet you. Christmas is also his birthday (which I told you) and he would have been really happy to meet you. My entire family would have loved you and you would have loved them. My aunt even was thinking of a welcome/Christmas gift to give you. My mom asked if there was a certain food you liked to eat so she could make it for you since she knew you wouldn't be with your family on Christmas. So no, the wasn't just a holiday for me. This was to me us starting to integrate our lives in a way. See when you truly see a future with someone, especially marriage and kids like we had discussed, you want to include that person in the important things, such as being with family. This was a way of moving our relationship forward. You made a commitment. This was extremely important to me.

 

Instead, you s*** on it. You made it clear that meeting my family and spending our first Christmas together wasn't worth a 2 hour drive to and from. Because of an inconvenience for you, you in but so many words indirectly told me our relationship isn't serious enough for you to make a sacrifice for me just for one day. You didn't even have the common courtesy to discuss it with me beforehand you just told me what you were going to do instead. We had been talking about Christmas plans for a month and not once did you tell me you had an issue. I even asked you the next morning after meeting your parents if you were comfortable and you got upset saying, "of course I want to meet your family, I'm not a scaredy-cat”. Looking back you must have feigned being upset because it's clear you don't want meet them. You could've told me then that you had an issue. You didn't even give me a chance to try to fix whatever issue you had. It's not like you would've been driving 4 hours just to spend 2 hours with me. I told you to come in the morning and Christmas dinner wouldn't be until 4 then we would leave around 7 PM. Whatever the details are you didn't try to let me fix it. You just made a unilateral decision instead. Instead, you waited a month after discussing the plans, 2 weeks before Christmas that you would be ditching me and my family which was incredibly gutless, incredibly selfish, and demonstrated that your word means nothing.

 

You asked me weeks ago what my definition of love meant and I told you it's to be selfless. If the tables were turned I would have done this for you happily and no questions asked because it would have been a small sacrifice for the person I cared about. You know what I planned for your Christmas gift? Round trip tickets back home so you could see your parents. I was going to ask Savannah for your dad's schedule since you mentioned he's gone for 3 weeks, to make sure he would be home when you flew out so it would be a nice gift for your parents too. It made me sad to you see you sad. I'd do anything within reason to make you happy. When you're sad I'm sad. When you're happy I'm happy. But you're not selfless. Instead it's about Fly_five and what you would rather do. Like you would rather forgo an important milestone in our relationship that you had made a commitment to and instead go be with your friend. You clearly don't want to meet my family and even more clearly you didn't want the relationship to move forward. Even now when I contacted you about getting the mask so I can make sure it goes with my outfit you ignored me, twice. As if I did something to you but it was you who royally screwed up. Not once during this entire ordeal did you even apologize. Instead you placed the blame on my mother by saying she's petty and now getting mad at me and ignoring me. You couldn't even do the bare minimum and say you were sorry for changing the plans. Again, selfish.

 

What this all boils down to, and what I realized Friday night which is why I was so angry is I love you but you don't love me. You said just a few days before this when we were in your bed that I had your heart and you'd do anything for me. This clearly wasn't true because you couldn't even spend Christmas with me. I stupidly believed what you said and felt like you loved me. But then I thought, I'm just an idiot. 1. You've never told me you loved me 2. If you did love me we wouldn't be in this situation. A person who loved me even after they screwed up and I got angry would've tried to fix it. Call me, texted me, apologized, showed up at my door, something, anything to try and make it better.

 

Bottom line is I love you. You don't love me. I care. You don't. 

 

I get it Fly_five. You've made it very clear how you feel about me and us. I won't chase you. I won’t try to fix things like I've done in the past since I know you don't feel the same way that I feel about you. And I know you won't try to call or show up at my door like I had hoped either because let's be honest any time we've argued you've never called or try to fix it. Instead, you let time go by and I had to be the one to reach out - which further solidifies that I love you but you don't love me.

 

Like I said I get it. I won't bother you anymore.

Edited December 10, 2019 by fly_five

[Leojax]

good lord she sounds dramatic, manipulative, and exhausting. Good riddance to her OP.

Edited December 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed excessive quote

[schlumpy]

Thank you for posting that. It's a nice textbook case of someone having an epiphany. She finally realized who you were and what the relationship was all about. On to the next conquest OP.

[d0nnivain]

59 minutes ago, fly_five said:

You didn't even have the common courtesy to discuss it with me beforehand you just told me what you were going to do instead.

 

You could've told me then that you had an issue. You didn't even give me a chance to try to fix whatever issue you had. It's not like you would've been driving 4 hours just to spend 2 hours with me. 

 

 

Obviously she's hurt & ranting through her pain & disappointment but the above is EXACTLY what we told you the problem was -- your unilateral last minute cancellation without any discussion.  Had you talk to her, you may have been able to salvage some of this. 

 

Now just let the poor thing go.  You are not suited to each other.  

[fly_five]

22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

 

Obviously she's hurt & ranting through her pain & disappointment but the above is EXACTLY what we told you the problem was -- your unilateral last minute cancellation without any discussion.  Had you talk to her, you may have been able to salvage some of this. 

 

Now just let the poor thing go.  You are not suited to each other.  

You don’t think she was being manipulative with her message?

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, fly_five said:

You don’t think she was being manipulative with her message?

 

NO, she is DONE with a capital D.

[Emmafive]

She called you gutless, selfish, and all in all unreliable.

 

Round of applause for OP’s EX girlfriend!!

[Ruby Slippers]

You obviously don't give a damn about her.

 

It was immature and overkill of her to write you a book about her feelings, but I made the same mistake when I was younger, more than once. You live and learn.

 

I feel sorry for her that she was so horribly snubbed for the holidays - but she'll get over it, and eventually she'll find a man who actually cares about her.

[Emmafive]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You obviously don't give a damn about her.

 

It was immature and overkill of her to write you a book about her feelings, but I made the same mistake when I was younger, more than once. You live and learn.

 

I feel sorry for her that she was so horribly snubbed for the holidays - but she'll get over it, and eventually she'll find a man who actually cares about her.

 Are you serious? It was immature and overkill? 
 

She expressed herself, got whatever she needed to get off her chest, and closed the door. She did it without being nasty or whiny. How the heck is ever immature and overkill? 
 

Immature is letting someone walk all over you and not standing up for yourself like an adult should.

[d0nnivain]

39 minutes ago, fly_five said:

You don’t think she was being manipulative with her message?

 

 

No.   I think she needed to vent & she said her piece / wanted the last word etc. 

 

Even if she was being manipulative, to what end?  To try to guilt you into crawling back?  Why would you do that?  You & she have different priorities & communications styles.  

 

Do you want to go back?  Are you willing to apologize & show up at Christmas / her father's birthday?  If not, just let this be over.   You are out.  You don't have to drive.  You don't have to be inconvenienced.  You don't have to put up with a woman you view as overly emotional.  You should be happy; you got what you wanted -- your freedom & no holiday responsibilities.  

[Ruby Slippers]

There's no point writing a book about your feelings to a guy who obviously doesn't give a damn about them. This is blindingly obvious by his response:

 

7 minutes ago, Emmafive said:

"You don’t think she was being manipulative with her message?"

 

With experience, she'll learn that a short, simple blow-off would be more suitable for a guy like this.

Edited December 10, 2019 by Ruby Slippers

[preraph]

58 minutes ago, fly_five said:

You don’t think she was being manipulative with her message?

 

Oh, my God, you really are oblivious.  She's done.  You were horrible, and she realized how selfish and immature you are.  She deserves someone capable of giving back. 

[ExpatInItaly]

58 minutes ago, fly_five said:

You don’t think she was being manipulative with her message?

No. 

 

The fact that you even pose this question that tells me you possess too little insight and maturity to pursue a serious relationship at this point in your life.

[mark clemson]

Yeah, it sounds like she's looking for the kind of commitment that you're not yet ready to give. Sadly, you should probably recognize that and act accordingly.

 

Part of this that she may not be right for you (for the true long term) as well. It does very much sound like there was a lot more riding on this Christmas visit than you realized. To be fair to you, perhaps she did not make you aware of it. To be fair to her, perhaps you should have realized it at some level.

Edited December 10, 2019 by mark clemson
punctuation

[Emmafive]

18 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

There's no point writing a book about your feelings to a guy who obviously doesn't give a damn about them. This is blindingly obvious by his response:

 

 

With experience, she'll learn that a short, simple blow-off would be more suitable for a guy like this.

I see what you’re saying. I thought you meant her telling him off in any kind of way was immature. 
 

By you saying a short blow off would be more suitable would be better for a guy like OP what do you mean by that? You mean she shouldn’t waste her breath on him or that he’ll receive the message better if it’s short?

[elaine567]

No-one who is a mature adult, would be oblivious to the implications of being asked to join a SO's family for Xmas.
The OP for whatever reason bailed after saying yes, and there is only one result of that.
Very few relationships can survive that blow.
The OP is not ready for any of this, but I also guess he is not that young, so he may need to do some serious thinking about where his life is really headed.
 

[snowboy91]

1 hour ago, fly_five said:

You don’t think she was being manipulative with her message?

Nope. I think she was expressing exactly why she felt it was important to have you spend Christmas with her family, and why you upset her. 

Yes her message was emotional, but it was completely genuine. If I was in her situation I'd feel pretty much the same way. The core issue is that you just decided to make your own plans without even discussing them with her. How would you feel if someone you cared about broke a promise in such a way?

[basil67]

In what way do you think she was trying to manipulate you?

[fly_five]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

In what way do you think she was trying to manipulate you?

by getting me to beg and try to get her back.

[Ruby Slippers]

17 minutes ago, Emmafive said:

I see what you’re saying. I thought you meant her telling him off in any kind of way was immature. 
 

By you saying a short blow off would be more suitable would be better for a guy like OP what do you mean by that? You mean she shouldn’t waste her breath on him or that he’ll receive the message better if it’s short?

I mean that's he already proven unequivocally that she means much less to him than he does to her. Going on and on about her feelings in the message is just one more example of how much more she cares than he does. So yes, she shouldn't waste her breath on him.

 

It's beyond obvious that he doesn't care and doesn't have the maturity to step up in the ways required to sustain a loving romantic relationship. 

 

I understand her, though. I can think of a time or two years ago when I carried on in a similar way, with the futile hope it might get through to this oblivous guy who obviously didn't care. In retrospect, it's easy to see it was a total waste of my effort and emotion. If a guy doesn't care, he doesn't care, and no degree of emotional outpouring will change that.

[basil67]

I also think that calling her parent's expectations "petty" was another faux par on your part.   There are so many better ways you could have handled this

 

4 minutes ago, fly_five said:

by getting me to beg and try to get her back.

She doesn't want you back.

[fly_five]

4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I mean that's he already proven unequivocally that she means much less to him than he does to her. Going on and on about her feelings in the message is just one more example of how much more she cares than he does. So yes, she shouldn't waste her breath on him.

 

It's beyond obvious that he doesn't care and doesn't have the maturity to step up in the ways required to sustain a loving romantic relationship. 

 

I understand her, though. I can think of a time or two years ago when I carried on in a similar way, with the futile hope it might get through to this oblivous guy who obviously didn't care. In retrospect, it's easy to see it was a total waste of my effort and emotion. If a guy doesn't care, he doesn't care, and no degree of emotional outpouring will change that.

Well she blocked me...