I think my girlfriend may be breaking up with me? I haven't heard from her in days.

[d0nnivain]

34 minutes ago, fly_five said:

I do love her. I was the one who brought up marriage and kids. I was the one thinking of moving in together before her. Last week I made a post and tagged her in it that said love is just a word but she brings it definition. I wanted to her to see it when she landed but it had timed out before she saw it.

 

I’m 29. She’s my first girlfriend. First person to ever meet my parents. First actual relationship.

 

 

Do you at least now understand why what you did was so seemingly unforgivable?  

 

You can fix this but you are going to have to step up.  Calling won't get it done, especially if she blocked you.  

 

It's time for flowers & groveling.    Posts, texts etc. are meaningless.  

Edited December 11, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Piddy]

Even if she won't talk to you there's still a chance to win her back.  It's going to sound goofy and desperate, but if you really love her you'll try anything.  But you'll need to swallow some pride.  If she doesn't accept your apologies and won't talk to you then I'd rent a Santa Suit and buy a bunch of gifts for her family.  Buy her a special gift and show up at her families doorstep Christmas day with a sack full of presents.  Have a couple drinks beforehand if you need it.  

 

This will have all the earmarks of a Hallmark holiday movie and something she'll never forget.  She'll appreciate the effort and you'll have a story to tell your kids.  If you don't really love her then sit back and watch her walk away.  You don't want to wait another 29 years for a girl who loves you like she does come along.

Edited December 11, 2019 by Piddy

[fishlips]

If you love her, then don't let her be the one that got away. Go to her house and apologize. If you don't, then she will move on and find someone else. Do you want that?

 

If you really want to marry her, then show her you mean it.

Edited December 11, 2019 by fishlips
spelling

[elaine567]

Christmas Day is too late. By that time, she may actually hate you and she and her family may turf you out for spoiling their Christmas AGAIN.
Her Dad may deck you for upsetting his wife and his daughter...
Leaving her to stew for 2 weeks, mired in anger and grief and then showing up in a Santa suit bearing gifts on Christmas Day like nothing had happened is IMO a terrible idea.

You need to tell her you love her sincerely and apologise profusely in person ASAP.

[preraph]

You've killed it with her family.  No one likes to see their daughter treated like crap.   Every parent wants their daughter to end up with someone considerate and giving and protective and dependable, no exceptions.

[Piddy]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Christmas Day is too late. By that time, she may actually hate you and she and her family may turf you out for spoiling their Christmas AGAIN.
Her Dad may deck you for upsetting his wife and his daughter...
Leaving her to stew for 2 weeks, mired in anger and grief and then showing up in a Santa suit bearing gifts on Christmas Day like nothing had happened is IMO a terrible idea.

You need to tell her you love her sincerely and apologise profusely in person ASAP.

 

So you don't like my movie scenario?  I envisioned a happy ending with a Matthew McConaughey / Kate Hudson scene riding off in the snowfall.   You see Al Pacino (the father) punching McConaughey in the mouth (bad /sad ending).  Oh well, so much for happy Hallmark / Hollywood movie endings.  

Edited December 11, 2019 by Piddy

[Ameele]

You should apologize, it was kind of last minute of you to just change plans. She was probably very excited for you to meet her parents and family. It makes you look bad for her to go to her folks and say oh well he bailed. IF you want to be serious with her bite the bullet and sacrifice the awkward dinner and moments. 

[Ambereyes]

wow...I'm so puzzled reading this story. It doesnt make sense that you didnt just ask to sleep in a guest room, or even on the couch, cuz that's what normal people would do..but instead you canceled the whole thing? 

 

Then you said you loved her..makes me wonder do you know what love is? Love is a lot of sacrifices., Are you even ready for that? Love is not just saying the words and talk about marriage and kids. It's about actions. Are you willing to DO things for her at your inconveniences? 

 

Also if you love her, why do you not want to look good in front of her parents? Because canceling on them on Xmas is going to leave them the worst first impression ever.

I think you have a lot to learn when it comes to love and relationships..before rushing to get her back.

[Zinging]

On 12/11/2019 at 1:18 PM, fly_five said:

I do love her. I was the one who brought up marriage and kids.

 

Hmmm... but somehow, at least from your words here, you don't seem to be treating it like your first serious relationship. Your responses sound very impassive, and do not match what I'd imagine one would have when the woman you envisioned as your future wife/kids is about to walk off.

I don't know if it is because you are

 

• too numb and processing the breakup, 
• coming to the realisation that maybe you don't love her as much as you thought you did, 
• quietly relieved that you don't have to settle down anytime soon,
• or that you've found out that you lack the energy to nurture this relationship.

 

Are you nearly 30? If so, I'm sure you understand the importance of keeping up commitments. If you worked in an office set-up, surely you would understand why it'd be unacceptable to call up your workplace and announce a random change-of-plan when a scheduled annual meeting has been booked a month ago, with you as one of the main guests at the event? 

 

To override a joint plan involving her family by unanimously announcing that you'll be with friends instead - AND not understanding why she seems so exasperated is.... ermm.... unreal-enough for a 30 year old that it feels like self-sabotage... the kind that one does when they are having cold feet when a serious milestone is approaching. (E.g. Christmas dinner)?

 

Quote

I won't chase you. I won’t try to fix things like I've done in the past since I know you don't feel the same way that I feel about you. And I know you won't try to call or show up at my door like I had hoped either because let's be honest any time we've argued you've never called or try to fix it. Instead, you let time go by and I had to be the one to reach out - which further solidifies that I love you but you don't love me.

 

Would you say that this is a true representation of how your relationship has been? Is she the one to generally apologise/make amends first? The one planning outings? Taking initiatives? Chasing you more than you chase her? If so, nope this is not a healthy/balanced relationship. It is not 'love'.

 

It might be that you care for her because she has been good for you... because you know she has a good heart... but, I do not think you are in love with her in a way that makes you want to drive 4 hours and not even think of keeping track of time, since - let's be real - in the universe of a loving relationship, a 4 hour drive would not even be a speck!

 

Not being in love with her is fine... but, just be honest with her at this point, and thus with yourself too. If you really are in love with her, then - breakup, or not - all I can say is that you've got some major work on yourself to do!

 

On 12/11/2019 at 1:18 PM, fly_five said:

I was the one who brought up marriage and kids. I was the one thinking of moving in together before her. Last week I made a post and tagged her in it that said love is just a word but she brings it definition. I wanted to her to see it when she landed but it had timed out before she saw it.

 

Actions prove who someone actually is.

Words only prove who they want to be.

Edited December 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix formatting.

[fromheart]

19 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 

 

 

You give people a whooping 3 minutes to respond to you?  Generous much?  That is absolutely absurd.  Adults have lives & jobs.  Most are not glued to their phones. 

3 minutes AFTER they've seen it.  I agree its generous.  If its face to face I'll only settle for a reply within a few seconds.  Nice guys come last.

[fromheart]

21 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree he could get her back. But if he's not even willing to make the trifling effort to spend Christmas with her, what's the point? He's obviously not that into her, given that he sees this as such a burden.

 

I've had boyfriends drive 9 hours overnight, even fly halfway around the world, to see me. This guy can't even drive a few hours on a special day, or figure out a way to make it work - air mattress, hotel room, whatever? Give me a break.

Are you still with these boyfriends?  I'm guessing not.  You probably saw them as weak because they flew around the world to see you.

Its the man a woman will have to fly half way around the world to get to, that will be a keeper.  High value men don't fly around the world for women, they have many options and a busy schedule, right where they are.

Women aren't entitled to have men drop everything and travel for them, and men will eventually figure out they get zero respect if they do this.

In this case her highness could have compromised, drive with him or get him somewhere to sleep for the night for the both of them.  Or create space in the evening to be with him and make his drive worth it.  She's perfectly capable of being an adult hostess.

Instead she goes off on a childish rant about her ex boyfriends, because he's unwilling to spend 4 hours of his holiday in his car.  That's controlling, entitled behavior.  The OP could have communicated his point in a better fashion also, but I agree with his decision.  I'm sure YOU wouldn't spend 4 hours of Christmas alone in your car. 

Edited December 12, 2019 by fromheart

[smackie9]

20 hours ago, fly_five said:

I do love her. I was the one who brought up marriage and kids. I was the one thinking of moving in together before her. Last week I made a post and tagged her in it that said love is just a word but she brings it definition. I wanted to her to see it when she landed but it had timed out before she saw it.

I’m 29. She’s my first girlfriend. First person to ever meet my parents. First actual relationship.

Now I can see why you two are so far apart. You are just getting out of the gate, experiencing a relationship for the first time, when she's already at the finish line, having done her time with relationships and wanting to settle down. You are not experienced, and have a lot to learn. Is there a possibility that you feel "rushed" or over whelmed at the fact she wants marriage and children with you in the future? That this was you avoiding the next step, and that is being integrated into her family? Maybe you feel this is making it all too real? Talk is one thing, but when it starts to actually happen...

I think what you say and how you actually feel are two different things.

Edited December 12, 2019 by smackie9

[Snow_Queen]

2 hours ago, fromheart said:

Are you still with these boyfriends?  I'm guessing not.  You probably saw them as weak because they flew around the world to see you.

Its the man a woman will have to fly half way around the world to get to, that will be a keeper.  High value men don't fly around the world for women, they have many options and a busy schedule, right where they are.

Women aren't entitled to have men drop everything and travel for them, and men will eventually figure out they get zero respect if they do this.

In this case her highness could have compromised, drive with him or get him somewhere to sleep for the night for the both of them.  Or create space in the evening to be with him and make his drive worth it.  She's perfectly capable of being an adult hostess.

Instead she goes off on a childish rant about her ex boyfriends, because he's unwilling to spend 4 hours of his holiday in his car.  That's controlling, entitled behavior.  The OP could have communicated his point in a better fashion also, but I agree with his decision.  I'm sure YOU wouldn't spend 4 hours of Christmas alone in your car. 

The point everyone is trying to make is there was an easy solution to this problem...communication. It isn’t that complex and her reaction wasn’t some sinister, manipulative tactic.

 

My husband would be there for me if I ever asked and vice versa. Emphasis on the term husband since guys like that apparently can’t be respected. I have more respect for him than any other man I’ve known.
 

Some of the perspectives I read on this site never cease to amaze me. Some are very skewed.

[schlumpy]

39 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

Some of the perspectives I read on this site never cease to amaze me. Some are very skewed.

That's because there is tendency to paint with too broad a brush or just rely on the limited experience represented by their life. The person finds a philosophy that works for them and thinks it work for everyone. Not a chance of that happening.

[Ruby Slippers]

3 hours ago, fromheart said:

I'm sure YOU wouldn't spend 4 hours of Christmas alone in your car. 

If I were a man I'd do that and much more. As a woman, I'd absolutely do the corresponding feminine thing - 4 hours or more of cooking, cleaning, and preparation for my man's visit. 

 

In his place, I would have been smart about it and either negotiated to sleep on the family's couch/air mattress, or gotten myself a hotel room so I could spend more time getting to know my future wife's family. I certainly wouldn't bail on a very important plan that had been communicated to the entire family, without even discussing it with her.

[ajequals]

I think you have showed her you do NOT care for her as much as she does you. A woman wants to know her man would keep his commitments and this one was a BIG one. you Blew it

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, fromheart said:

In this case her highness could have compromised, drive with him or get him somewhere to sleep for the night for the both of them.  Or create space in the evening to be with him and make his drive worth it.  She's perfectly capable of being an adult hostess.

 

 

You missed the whole point.  

 

The OP & his now EX-GF made Christmas plans together.  He AGREED to drive down separately & go home that night.   After he agreed to it, he changed his mind but instead of discussing his concerns  with her or asking for compromise, he unilaterally bailed on the whole event with no discussion after she told her whole family he was coming.  He never talked to her.  He just blew her off & then complained that she over reacted when he disappointed her & hurt her feelings.   He promised.  She relied on that promise & then he changed his mind.  If he had just said no up front things would be very different.  

 

As for your views on men & women. . . yikes.  

 

When my husband & I first started dating (like 3 weeks after I met him), I already had plans to go to the beach for a long weekend with a mixed group of people, women & men, some couples, some singles.  It was too early for me to invite my then new BF along.  There was also no room & he could not have come anyway becuase he had work obligations.   He offered to drive down to take me out to dinner that Saturday night -- 3 hours one way in horrendous bumper to bumper traffic.  I was touched by the offer but told him that wasn't necessary.  He insisted & came down.  As I was waiting for him to arrive, many of the other men in the group made disparaging comments like the ones you are making about how they would never drive that far to come see their GFs/wives.  I assured each of them, as I'm telling you, I only involve myself with a better class of men -- truly honorable Gentleman like my husband.  

 

My husband is a US Marine Veteran.  I'll let you draw your own conclusions about how valued or Alpha is he.  

Edited December 12, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, the idea that only a loser moves mountains to make his woman happy is ludicrous.

 

Once my boyfriend spent the night the first time, he's insisted on not spending a night apart from me, as long as I'd have him. I'm now staying at his place in the city, just an 8-minute commute from my office. But the first week or two, he was staying with me in the 'burbs at the house I bought earlier this year, driving us to and from work 2 hours a day in obscene rush hour traffic. I offered many times to make this easier on him somehow, but he waved it off and seemed to think nothing of it. 

 

He lives less than 10 minutes from his office. He chose to invest at least 20 hours of rush hour driving time that he didn't have to, also insisted on paying for the gas and putting the miles on his car, though I offered my car, paying for gas, driving some of the time, anything I could think of. 

 

I guess he was just that determined to make it 100% clear to me that he was willing to step up and win me over. This is a story I'll be able to tell our kids and grandkids, if we're so blessed to have them.

 

And you can bet your behind that he's now reaping many benefits of that investment, with me taking care of many of the softer details of his life that had gone untended, and him raving daily about how much better his life is becoming by the day 

[fishlips]

When my husband and I first dated, we lived three hours apart. When he first met my family, he drove three hours to meet them. My mom is also old-fashioned, so she provided him another room to sleep in. She didn't just expect him to head back home the same day. If she didn't have space, I'm sure she would have paid for a hotel for him.

 

Fly_Five, did you talk to your girlfriend's mom at all? Or did you just assume she wouldn't accommodate you? 

[Ambereyes]

 

9 hours ago, fromheart said:

3 minutes AFTER they've seen it.  I agree its generous.  If its face to face I'll only settle for a reply within a few seconds.  Nice guys come last.

With all due respect, this attitude is absurd. . and so what if they dont respond after 3 minutes ? You write them off? Then I think you will be single forever.

 

9 hours ago, fromheart said:

Its the man a woman will have to fly half way around the world to get to, that will be a keeper.  High value men don't fly around the world for women, they have many options and a busy schedule, right where they are.

Women aren't entitled to have men drop everything and travel for them, and men will eventually figure out they get zero respect if they do this.
 

 

Im not sure if you got burnt badly or read too much PUA, but your whole mentality of "People should all treat me like their first priority while I shouldnt have to make any sacrifices for them " is totally screwed. I feel sorry for you.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Ambereyes

[fly_five]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Now I can see why you two are so far apart. You are just getting out of the gate, experiencing a relationship for the first time, when she's already at the finish line, having done her time with relationships and wanting to settle down. You are not experienced, and have a lot to learn. Is there a possibility that you feel "rushed" or over whelmed at the fact she wants marriage and children with you in the future? That this was you avoiding the next step, and that is being integrated into her family? Maybe you feel this is making it all too real? Talk is one thing, but when it starts to actually happen...

I think what you say and how you actually feel are two different things.

I’m the one who brought up marriage and kids actually.

[fromheart]

7 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

If I were a man I'd do that and much more. As a woman, I'd absolutely do the corresponding feminine thing - 4 hours or more of cooking, cleaning, and preparation for my man's visit. 

 

In his place, I would have been smart about it and either negotiated to sleep on the family's couch/air mattress, or gotten myself a hotel room so I could spend more time getting to know my future wife's family. I certainly wouldn't bail on a very important plan that had been communicated to the entire family, without even discussing it with her.

With respect, cooking and cleaning is something we are all doing for ourselves in this day and age.

And surely in HER position you'd offer him an alternative to sleep?  Of share the evening with him?  She did not and I'm sure that if you were in his position you'd be feeling the same way.

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yeah, the idea that only a loser moves mountains to make his woman happy is ludicrous.

 

Well, many young women find a man who is working on himself first and foremost and without compromise attractive.  A man who drops his whole life, or doesn't have a life to drop, to travel across the world is asking for a whole load of s~~t.

You want a man who moves mountains in himself, or a boy who runs around with a backpack?

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, fly_five said:

I’m the one who brought up marriage and kids actually.

 

YOU brought up marriage & kids but can't keep a commitment to show up on Christmas?   Seriously do you really not understand why she is so hurt?  

 

Have you done anything to win her back beside lamely try to text / call her only to learn you have been blocked?  

Edited December 13, 2019 by d0nnivain

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, fromheart said:

Well, many young women find a man who is working on himself first and foremost and without compromise attractive.

The man you seem to be describing is a very selfish and self absorbed man and that is not attractive to most women.
 

[Ambereyes]

1 hour ago, fromheart said:

 

Well, many young women find a man who is working on himself first and foremost and without compromise attractive.  A man who drops his whole life, or doesn't have a life to drop, to travel across the world is asking for a whole load of s~~t.

You want a man who moves mountains in himself, or a boy who runs around with a backpack?

1. You are looking for the wrong type of women.

2. Making sacrifices for others, doesnt mean one needs to drop his own life. Working on oneself, doesnt mean he should put every one else second and behind and cant make compromises. Self-improvement and virtues are not mutually exclusive. On the contrary, I doubt anyone with no virtues can achieve much at all in his life.

3. Im astonished how you dont see how selfish your words sound. Would you want to be friends with someone you just described? Do you find that kind of man attractive? Is that the kind of person you want to be?

 

Edited December 13, 2019 by Ambereyes