Ex Gave Me Keys To His House...

[Blondegirl89]

This is a long one but and interesting one.

 

An ex from a while back reached out to me.

 

We broke up a while ago but parted ways on OK terms. We kept in touch every once in a while throughout the year. Anyway as of recent he has become very friendly. He started off by asking me to meet for coffee which I did, then asked me for drinks, then he asked me for dinner and then drinks again.

 

Now I should mention he insisted on being friends and to be honest I believe I can be his friend. I think enough time has passed. However I'm not sure if he is using the friend route to maybe get back together or feel things out or is trying to be friends.

 

He went through a rough patch and reached out to me for help. I did help him, just encouraged him to keep going and that I knew he could do whatever he set his mind on. I think he was quite low so I did fell bad for him and tried to build him up. I even offered to do his house up for him - I'm a designer. 

 

Now this is where it gets a little odd. He got a promotion in work and he let me know but because I was so busy in my own job I just texted a quick "congrats" text. I didn't even look at my phone for the rest of the day it wasn't till that evening when he said are you ok etc...  

 

I replied and let him know I was, I was just busy. He said he was concerned as he thought I was in an accident or something as I didn't reply or post on my Instagram stories. I joked around about it and he said he was only joking about being concerned but I don't think he was.

 

 so the next day he surprised at work and brought me out for a big fancy lunch to say thank you as I was the only person who believed in him and pushed him to go for this job. 

 

He then asked if I was serious about helping him do up his place. I said yes it wouldn't be an issue. H e said it was very mature and nobble of me to do it and that It was the best gift/gesture he has ever gotten. He lives alone so I wont see him before he goes to visit his family so he texted me to say he left his keys and a Christmas gift for me with one of his friends and transferred me some money to buy accessories etc. 

 

Now I am very happy to do this, I know when we dated he hated his house and I know he still does hate it and I think everyone should have somewhere nice to call home so I don't mind doing it and I feel like if I can do a nice selfless gesture the universe will reward me in some other way. 

 

He has said a few times he is so happy to have me as a friend again, but I'm a little confused as although we are friends we still are exes Yet he has given me the keys to his house, trusted me enough to do whatever I want to it and seems very greatful for my help but am I wrong in thinking it's a little odd having an ex do up your house. I dont mind  doing it as I wont be the one living in a house done up by my ex lol 

 

What do you all think? Some of my friends think he is trying to rebuild but from scratch, some think he is using me? and some think he still loves me? 

 

I can't figure it out. We do get on great at the moment and I do believe we both have changed for the better. I don't think I would ever go back, He was lovely when we dated but he just didn't appreciate everything I done which lead us to going our separate ways where now I wouldn't put up with that. 

 

I'd love to know what you all think?

[ExpatInItaly]

How long ago did you break up? 

[lurker74]

If you have not slept with or kissed him, then no, you are not dating. But if you sense romantic feelings, they are probably accurate. It sounds like he is interested in rekindling things. That can be fun and can even work, but when and if that happens, make sure you two have clear and open communication about what to expect.

[d0nnivain]

I would feel very uncomfortable trying to decorate an EX's living space. 

[Blondegirl89]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long ago did you break up? 

 

We are broke up about a year we have stayed in touch the odd time. But it's only recent that the communication has been upped. 

[Blondegirl89]

1 hour ago, lurker74 said:

If you have not slept with or kissed him, then no, you are not dating. But if you sense romantic feelings, they are probably accurate. It sounds like he is interested in rekindling things. That can be fun and can even work, but when and if that happens, make sure you two have clear and open communication about what to expect.

 

Nope we haven't slept together or kissed. Well a kiss on the check when greeting each other. He has blown me the odd kiss by accident when we are saying goodbye. He done it last time we met and I think he stopped himself as he used to only ever do that when we where together. 

[Blondegirl89]

36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I would feel very uncomfortable trying to decorate an EX's living space. 

 

I went back and forward about this for a while but I feel I'm mature enough to do and to help someone out in their time of need. Plus he won't be there so I won't have to see him. I won't lie it will be a little weird going to his house when I haven't been there in so long. 

[d0nnivain]

I should have been clearer about the discomfort.  It's not seeing him or interacting with him.  It's the lack of interaction.  Assuming you have been apart a while how do you know what he likes & doesn't like?  I'd be afraid I'd decorate in my style not his & he wouldn't like it.    How are you supposed to pick stuff out if he's not giving input?  

Edited December 9, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Blondegirl89]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I should have been clearer about the discomfort.  It's not seeing him or interacting with him.  It's the lack of interaction.  Assuming you have been apart a while how do you know what he likes & doesn't like?  I'd be afraid I'd decorate in my style not his & he wouldn't like it.    How are you supposed to pick stuff out if he's not giving input?  

 

I sent him pictures of what I intended on doing, but to be honest anything would be an improvement lol He said he trusts me 100% gave me a few hundred and told me to pick out whatever would work with the look I was aiming to create.  I do think we have always had similar tastes anyway.  I did tell him that I would try to make it nice for him but I would only do what I could so if he didn't like it, it wouldn't be my fault. He said if you designed it, it will look amazing.  He also have a few friends who are designers so it must mean he likes my style if he asked me. 

[mark clemson]

If he has no one else in his life atm, it certainly would not shock me if he would be at least ok with "rekindling" things with you. IF that happens/starts to happen you might be wise to reflect on a few things: what caused your prior breakup, what you want/would want out of the new relationship (if it occurs), and what you want generally in your life romantically - is he the right guy for it.  All things to think about.

[Mr. Lucky]

1 hour ago, Blondegirl89 said:

He also have a few friends who are designers so it must mean he likes my style if he asked me. 

 

Why not take him on as a client, even if you extend a "friends and family" discount?  I'm in the restaurant business and have had exes come in with friends, family or even a new BF for dinner.  And while I might have bought a round of drinks, they certainly didn't eat for free.

 

If either of you are trying to rekindle, that agenda should be front and center...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Commongoal123]

1) If you are doing a kind and selfless act so that the universe rewards you in some way, then it is not selfless and is actually self-interested.  Selfless and kind acts are done simply for the act itself with no hopes or strings attached in return.

 

2) You sound like you may be interested in getting back together with him.  Maybe you both do.  I doubt his contact with you is purely about decorating his house and everything else the two of you have talked about. 

 

3) Maybe just ask directly ask him the questions that you are asking us.

 

-Common

[preraph]

I think he's just making excuses to keep you in his life, honestly.  Now at the very least, he'll have to "take you out and thank you."  

[Blondegirl89]

17 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If he has no one else in his life atm, it certainly would not shock me if he would be at least ok with "rekindling" things with you. IF that happens/starts to happen you might be wise to reflect on a few things: what caused your prior breakup, what you want/would want out of the new relationship (if it occurs), and what you want generally in your life romantically - is he the right guy for it.  All things to think about.

 

Well I did ask if he was dating anyone, I said I didn't want to step on any toes if I was to do his place up and he told me he wasn't dating anyone. He flew out yesterday and I had bumped into him before hand and he texted me yesterday saying he was sorry we didn't get to have another goodbye. We have said goodbye 3 time already lol He then texted me to say he made the first part of his journey fine and that his was in the airport and finished the text with two Kisses.  He was the one who stated that we where friends and that he wanted me to know that by doing this for him it wasn't his way of getting us two back together. But my gut does tell me he is either missing me or is having regrets about the break up although it was a good while ago. He is a genuinely nice guy who I know I could count on if ever needed, so i am not sure now if he is being friendly or is interested in getting back together. 

12 hours ago, preraph said:

I think he's just making excuses to keep you in his life, honestly.  Now at the very least, he'll have to "take you out and thank you."  

 

So do I, but I can't figure out whether as friends or more. We did rush into our relationship instead of taking our time. One of my friends has said that she thinks he is secretly dating me, Coffee, drinks, Dinner and then drinks again. She was like its a dating pattern. So I'm a little confused. Now I am by no means waiting around for him I am dating others and I'm pretty sure he knows I am so is probably trying to keep me sweet while he is out of town. 

12 hours ago, Commongoal123 said:

1) If you are doing a kind and selfless act so that the universe rewards you in some way, then it is not selfless and is actually self-interested.  Selfless and kind acts are done simply for the act itself with no hopes or strings attached in return.

 

2) You sound like you may be interested in getting back together with him.  Maybe you both do.  I doubt his contact with you is purely about decorating his house and everything else the two of you have talked about. 

 

3) Maybe just ask directly ask him the questions that you are asking us.

 

-Common

 

Exactly. To be honest I wont wait around until he is ready. I am going to continue to date other guys and will let him make the move if he wants, I chased after him the first time and said that was the first and last time I would ever chase after a guy. So I am leaving it up to him to bring it up. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Hypothetically, what would you do if you turned up at his home to do some decorating and found women's things lying around somewhere? A forgotten lip gloss or some such thing?

 

He says he isn't dating anyone, which may be true, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's not sleeping with anyone and bringing women home now and again. 

 

Would you still be comfortable doing this sort of work if you find evidence of another woman in his home?

[Blondegirl89]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Hypothetically, what would you do if you turned up at his home to do some decorating and found women's things lying around somewhere? A forgotten lip gloss or some such thing?

 

He says he isn't dating anyone, which may be true, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's not sleeping with anyone and bringing women home now and again. 

 

Would you still be comfortable doing this sort of work if you find evidence of another woman in his home?

 

I actually assumed he was seeing or dating other women so I wouldn't be shocked to find a hairbrush, lip gloss etc. Hes a single man and can do whatever he likes just like I can. We have been apart long enough for me to come to terms with the idea of him being with others. The only reason he never asks me if I am dating anyone is because he told he never to mention it unless it was serious as it would break his heart seeing me with someone else. So I keep my lips sealed on my side but he has told me about girlfriends etc so I have made peace with it all. So if I do come across some stuff belonging to another women I'll put it in a box and just leave it for him to give back, bin etc.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Blondegirl89 said:

...he told he never to mention it unless it was serious as it would break his heart seeing me with someone else. ...

 

And what does that tell you?

[preraph]

6 hours ago, Blondegirl89 said:

So do I, but I can't figure out whether as friends or more.

 

With men, it's NEVER as friends.  So if you want this guy, let him know and get the ball rolling, but be sure what you want first.  

[fishlips]

It sounds like he wants to get back together. Is that what you want? If so, then tell him. If you are okay with just being friends and that is his intention as well, then that's fine, as long as you two are honest about what you want.

 

Why did you break up in the first place? I know several people who broke up, then got back together, and got married. It can happen if both of you fixed what was wrong in the first place.

[Blondegirl89]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 

And what does that tell you?

 

But he has been the one to push being friends. 

2 hours ago, preraph said:

 

With men, it's NEVER as friends.  So if you want this guy, let him know and get the ball rolling, but be sure what you want first.  

 

To be honest I would be afraid to put my heart on the line again for this guy, I really fell for him first time round. He was the one who insisted on being friends. I was always open to whatever yet he never made a move etc so I assumed he genuinely meant being friends. 

55 minutes ago, fishlips said:

It sounds like he wants to get back together. Is that what you want? If so, then tell him. If you are okay with just being friends and that is his intention as well, then that's fine, as long as you two are honest about what you want.

 

Why did you break up in the first place? I know several people who broke up, then got back together, and got married. It can happen if both of you fixed what was wrong in the first place.

 

I'm turn because it sounds like it but his actions don't really match his words. Now his texting has increased and he did let me know he arrived safely to his hometown. He actually texted me to let me know his journey. He had a few interconnecting flights so he texted me each time he had a layover.  I don't know how to ask him as I would be afraid it would ruin any possibility of a friendship if I put myself out there. 

 

We broke up because I felt he didn't appreciate everything I done for him. His friends also hated me as we hung out more than he hung out with them so I know that was an issue for him. He said I want to be friends I was open to whatever to be honest. So part of me is just thinking let him come to me as opposed as me chase him. He is visiting family for Christmas so I will leave him be until after and I will leave him a note or something for when he returns to his house. 

 

[fishlips]

It sounds like both of you want to get back together, but you are too afraid of taking the chance again. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. He sounds like he feels the same way.

 

Maybe start out dating and see where it goes from there?

[preraph]

Guys usually only say they will be friends because they want to get back together.  They think they'll wear you down.  It usually does not work.  Now, in your case, first you say you don't want to, then you act like you do still have feelings, and then you lastly say you would be afraid to but don't want to ask and risk losing as a friend.  You don't have to worry about that.  You only have to decide if you want this guy back romantically or not.  

 

You sound very confused on the subject and like you're riding the fence, so if I were you, I would DATE OTHER GUYS.  But they are not going to put up with him hanging around.  

[fromheart]

I wish my exs had the maturity that you do. 

However, in this case it would be best for him to move on.  It sounds like he is not filling himself, so he is leaning in on you a bit.  He needs to fulfill himself, and then meet someone new.  Then you and he can be friends.

[Blondegirl89]

22 hours ago, fromheart said:

I wish my exs had the maturity that you do. 

However, in this case it would be best for him to move on.  It sounds like he is not filling himself, so he is leaning in on you a bit.  He needs to fulfill himself, and then meet someone new.  Then you and he can be friends.

 

He has, he’s been dating a few girls since we split up. I just felt bad for him and I’m now helping him out. I’m single at the moment so I wouldn’t be opposed to us giving it another go but I’m also not waiting around for him to ask I’m dating others as well.