Question for OW here!

[JimmyNorth]

I know I’ll get roasted here, but I’d like some honest opinions. 

 

I’ve been married man for 15 years. The last 6 years was virtually loveless. I felt I’ve had to beg for sex or affection. There were numerous factors that led to this, but I truly tried to be the perfect husband.  4 years ago I met my AP at work. She is young and hot and looooved being with me. The affair has been going on for the last 4 years. My AP has been patiently waiting for me to get a divorce. Except I’ve been dragging this out for 4 years. About 6 months ago my AP ending up dating somebody for a couple months and had sex. She cut it off with him before I found out. When I finally found out I was furious. My thoughts were ‘how could she do this to me’...ironic I know! 

 

I kept telling her to be patient as I would pursue my divorce soon, but she was getting impatient while at the same time holding on to hope I would end up with her. So now I’m upset as if she cheated on me, it actually hurts me the same as if I were married to her. My AP says I am her soul mate and she doesn’t want to lose me. She says the only reason why she slept with the other man is because she didn’t feel desired or wanted by me. She said it was purely sexual with that guy and had no feelings. She swears that if we had a REAL relationship, other men wouldn’t even exist.

 

So now, I am separated from my wife and I am practically living with my AP. She is totally in love and so happy I am with her every night and don’t go home. But I have to admit that her “infidelity” to me has made me feel the same as if I were her husband and she cheated on me...it hurts. I know it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help The way I feel. I do love my AP sincerely. I was just comfortable before on not making any moves and living a double life. But at the end of the day I really wish I had gotten divorce years ago and started my real relationship with my AP. Then she would not have slept with anyone which put a wedge in my heart. And I sometimes get in arguments with her about her “cheating”.  Is it stupid for me to feel this way and have hurt over it?

 

I’d like to get insight from OW here as well.

Edited December 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Excessive formatting.

[JimmyNorth]

If your MM is lagging on the divorce and keeps telling you to wait and that you guys will be together forever, do you have a breaking point? If it took too long, would you actually loose hope and end up dating other men?

 

I ask be because my AP waited over 3 years for me. Then toward the end of the 3rd year, ended up meeting a guy and having sex with him for 2 months. She ended it before i found out.

 

When I finally found out I was furious. My thoughts were ‘how could she do this to me’...ironic I know! 

Edited January 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Duplicate content

[elaine567]

On 12/9/2019 at 7:02 AM, JimmyNorth said:

I was just comfortable before on not making any moves and living a double life.

Not uncommon.
How did you end up separated?
Is divorce from your wife now on the cards? How do you genuinely feel about that?
Are you in reality stalling again and the "cheating" is just an  excuse not to move things forward with the AP?
Just a thought.

Edited December 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Excessive formatting.

[Starswillshine]

I think you are free to feel however it is you feel. Of course, it is a bit hypocritical. You were with your wife, so she should have been free to be with whomever. 

 

This is a large part of why it does not often work out between affair partners. Too much hurt and betrayal. She feels it, too. Right now, she is probably thrilled that finally what you promised has happened; however, that hurt, that time, etc will likely haunt her as well. 

 

 

[lurker74]

Stars is right...you have a technical right to any feelings you have. OK...technicality over....You're being ridiculous. Aside from the risk of STDs, you have no right to expect her to be loyal to you while you were loyal to no one for 3 years (and longer, assuming you had an EA before it got physical). If you love her, just accept her short-term male friend as penance for your own sins rather than a sin by her. 

[schlumpy]

This is of course totally up to you but you do understand that your AP is OK with having sex with a married man? You found out about her other fling. How do you know there are not others? Her no qualms ability to sleep with you makes it likely there are.  She sees sex as momentary and recreational. Do you share that viewpoint?  You only have her word for how she feels about things. I don't see this girl, at her stage in life, as a long-term partner. The only thing she is doing is complicating your life. You might consider ending it with her then either divorce or reconcile with your wife. Then look for another partner if that is what you desire. 

[JimmyNorth]

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Not uncommon.
How did you end up separated?
Is divorce from your wife now on the cards? How do you genuinely feel about that?
Are you in reality stalling again and the "cheating" is just an  excuse not to move things forward with the AP?
Just a thought.

 

I am separated from wife and she knows about AP now. I stay with AP at her house. Divorce papers are being drawn and in motion. AP and I are going forward with a REAL relationship now. 

[ABernie]

My AP and I had a 2 year plan to get out of our marriages and protect the kids.  But it was mutual.  We didn't last 9 months into the plan.

[elaine567]

Did you leave your wife or did she throw you out due to a Dday?

[JimmyNorth]

31 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

This is of course totally up to you but you do understand that your AP is OK with having sex with a married man? You found out about her other fling. How do you know there are not others? Her no qualms ability to sleep with you makes it likely there are.  She sees sex as momentary and recreational. Do you share that viewpoint?  You only have her word for how she feels about things. I don't see this girl, at her stage in life, as a long-term partner. The only thing she is doing is complicating your life. You might consider ending it with her then either divorce or reconcile with your wife. Then look for another partner if that is what you desire. 

 

She was actually faithful to me for over 3.5 years. But she just started to lose faith and wanted to feel desired. I wasn’t showing any promise and she ended up looking outside. However, the moment I committed she was elated. 

 

She even went as far as getting my name tattooed on her torso to show that she would be committed for life. 

[JimmyNorth]

14 minutes ago, ABernie said:

My AP and I had a 2 year plan to get out of our marriages and protect the kids.  But it was mutual.  We didn't last 9 months into the plan.

 

She ended it? Or you?

[vla1120]

19 minutes ago, JimmyNorth said:

She even went as far as getting my name tattooed on her torso to show that she would be committed for life. 

 

Well, there are plenty of people getting their tattoos fixed after relationships fail. I wouldn't count a tattoo as a commitment.  You've already started divorce proceedings so there is no chance you are going to give your marriage an honest try. I guess just jump into this new relationship with both feet and hope it works out for the best. Since there is already a history of cheating on both sides, I would not hold out much hope for fidelity. Best of luck to you - I would, however, give you this one bit of advice. Get over her cheating. You picked her and she picked you. Live with your decisions.

[carhill]

Pretty simple, a married person can't be exclusive with an affair partner if they're still married, cohabiting and especially having any intimate physical/emotional contact and/or sex with their spouse. In the absence of an exclusive relationship, either party is free to engage, flirt with, date, have sex with, whatever they like, with whomever they want. One-sided exclusivity is hypocrisy. Yeah, humans are full of hypocrisy and will always be.

Most of my experience is with MW's and I always expected them to be banging their husbands, or other lovers, and few disappointed. Some were more reticent about being transparent and others were quite brazen. Some were jealous, others didn't care about what I did socially. Bottom line though, all's fair in love and war. Disappointments and betrayals happen. Part of life.

 

One sample serial MW ended up living with a serial MM after their exit affair (both marriages ended about the same time) and they've been together now close to 20 years. I got used up and spit out during a short period of that but had known her and her affairs since we were both young. My belief is that two serial MM/MW make a good match, they know the game and there's a balance of power and other factors (lifestyle, wealth, social status) keep them in their milieu. The social chessboard, especially trending to affairs and infidelity, isn't for the unsophisticated and inexperienced. It's a quite complex milieu to be successful at. My advice would be to learn to accept things as they are. The past is the past, now is now, either of you can cheat or be unfaithful. Today neither of you were. Tomorrow is a new day. Deal with it then. Good luck!

 

[JimmyNorth]

1 minute ago, vla1120 said:

 

Well, there are plenty of people getting their tattoos fixed after relationships fail. I wouldn't count a tattoo as a commitment.  You've already started divorce proceedings so there is no chance you are going to give your marriage an honest try. I guess just jump into this new relationship with both feet and hope it works out for the best. Since there is already a history of cheating on both sides, I would not hold out much hope for fidelity. Best of luck to you - I would, however, give you this one bit of advice. Get over her cheating. You picked her and she picked you. Live with your decisions.

 

I tried to fix my marriage. It’s just loveless. I gave up. When I started with AP my marriage was already on the rocks big time. BUT...I should have got divorced a long time ago. My AP wasn’t interested in being a mistress, I just drug it out a loooong time and it took its toll!

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, JimmyNorth said:

 

I tried to fix my marriage. It’s just loveless. I gave up. When I started with AP my marriage was already on the rocks big time. BUT...I should have got divorced a long time ago. My AP wasn’t interested in being a mistress, I just drug it out a loooong time and it took its toll!

 

In that case, if this is the woman you want to be with, and you are happy with her, then do not hold the "cheating" against her. Instead, understand that she reacted because she was given no hope that you would leave your marriage. If you read these forums, you'll see OW after OW after OW who wait and wait and wait for their MM to leave their wives, but it never happens. Maybe your AP did what she needed to do to get you to act. It took its toll, but now you have what you wanted. Don't punish her for cheating. Don't bring it up in arguments. Forgive her and put it behind you. I do know this much, if you continually bring up the cheating, that in itself will destroy your relationship with her. You have to figure out a way to put it behind you, now. 

[JimmyNorth]

2 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

 

In that case, if this is the woman you want to be with, and you are happy with her, then do not hold the "cheating" against her. Instead, understand that she reacted because she was given no hope that you would leave your marriage. If you read these forums, you'll see OW after OW after OW who wait and wait and wait for their MM to leave their wives, but it never happens. Maybe your AP did what she needed to do to get you to act. It took its toll, but now you have what you wanted. Don't punish her for cheating. Don't bring it up in arguments. Forgive her and put it behind you. I do know this much, if you continually bring up the cheating, that in itself will destroy your relationship with her. You have to figure out a way to put it behind you, now. 

 

Yes, you are correct with this. That’s what I need to do. I know I sound hypocritical, but I hate the fact some other man had her. But you are right!!

[mark clemson]

14 minutes ago, JimmyNorth said:

 

Yes, you are correct with this. That’s what I need to do. I know I sound hypocritical, but I hate the fact some other man had her. But you are right!!

 

And there you have it. Please try to give your wife an equitable settlement as you move on with your life and this new relationship.

[elaine567]

37 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

 She sees sex as momentary and recreational. 

We don't know her, but it seems to me that whilst some OWs are in affairs for recreational and momentary sex, many are in affairs due to "love".
Seems to me many get fed up of "waiting" for MM to leave and thus look for love and attention elsewhere,. Being single, they are perfectly entitled to do that.

 

[schlumpy]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

We don't know her, but it seems to me that whilst some OWs are in affairs for recreational and momentary sex, many are in affairs due to "love".
Seems to me many get fed up of "waiting" for MM to leave and thus look for love and attention elsewhere,. Being single, they are perfectly entitled to do that.

 

You are correct. She was certainly entitled to do what she did. Even he recognizes how silly it is for him to feel the way he does. 

[Mr. Lucky]

2 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

 

 I know I sound hypocritical, but I hate the fact some other man had her. But you are right!!

 

In the 4 years the affair was ongoing, did you have sex with your wife ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[MBT09]

To answer your question point blank, absolutely. Three years is a long time and that time eats away at confidence and self esteem. I’m surprised she waited that long before she woke up and realized that she could and should explore a better situation for her. Your actions of dragging your feet on your divorce spoke louder than any words of promises you made. She didn’t find another man to hurt you. She did it to save herself. 

Now, you both have this rare opportunity to fully explore the connection you have together. You can both put that life of lies and secrecy behind you and live fully present in front of one another. Be understanding of her as she was understanding of you while she waited. You have such a gift standing in front of you. Don’t screw it up with jealousy. I wish you both the very best. 

[BaileyB]

Of course, you have every right to feel however you want to feel. That said, it’s very hypocritical to judge your affair partner, for doing essentially the very same thing you were doing.

 

Three years is a long time to wait, for anyone. I would never do it. Nobody is worth putting your life on hold for that long.

Edited December 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[Beendaredonedat]

 She said it was purely sexual with that guy and had no feelings. She swears that if we had a REAL relationship, other men wouldn’t even exist.

Well, she didn't think much about doing it with you so surely it should be understood that she would do it on you.  Words without actions to back them up as the truth are just words.

 

 

[JimmyNorth]

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Did you leave your wife or did she throw you out due to a Dday?

 

Wife left when I told her about AP. 

5 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said:

 

In the 4 years the affair was ongoing, did you have sex with your wife ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well that’s not fair. It was only a few times..lol. I know I know, hypocrite. 

[S2B]

Get over your double standard. 

 

You never started the end end of your marriage - it ended because your wife found out!

 

your OW should have exited long ago... yet she stayed - and now you punish HER for wanting an available man?

 

my god - why should she be punished for your lack of taking action?

 

get the divorce finished or she will surely leave now. Be the one to get the action moving forward.

 

and know that she will think you will cheat on her when you marry her. 

 

Don’t  cheat. IF your M was that unfulfilled you could have divorced but you didn’t. Divorce if you want someone else. That’s the bottom line.

 

you owe this gal. And not in any way that indicates you should be mad at HER - she was SINGLE! She owed you NOTHING!