Question for OW here!

[S2B]

So you now live with your OW?

 

do you pay rent and contribute to her monthly household expenses?  What’s the agreement on that money when she allowed you to live with her?

[JimmyNorth]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

So you now live with your OW?

 

do you pay rent and contribute to her monthly household expenses?  What’s the agreement on that money when she allowed you to live with her?

 

Yes, I’m basically live with her now and contribute any way she needs me too. I don’t have any issues helping. I treat us as a REAL couple now!

[basil67]

Rather than arguing with her for doing much the same as you've done to her and even worse to your wife, have you tried slapping yourself upside your head?    And why do you argue with her when you know that you don't have a leg to stand on?

Edited December 10, 2019 by basil67

[NomiMalone]

To answer your question OP, it’s not stupid for you to feel this way at all. Human beings weren’t meant to share the person they love with someone else. (I read that here on LS somewhere, it made a lot of sense to me.) You can’t help the way you feel, so don’t beat yourself up about it. She wasn’t “dating” you, and you were still married, so she had a right to sleep with whoever she wanted. Focus on the fact that she didn’t actually do anything wrong, and like the others said, find a way to put it behind you and start your new relationship with your AP on a clean slate. I wish you guys well.

Edited December 10, 2019 by NomiMalone

[JimmyNorth]

I guess the thing that hurts me is that she was telling me she loved me and still had sex with me during this 3 month fling she had.

 

AP continues to say that she felt like a side piece at the time and I was lagging on committing during that time!

[JimmyNorth]

I guess the thing that hurts me is that she was telling me she loved me and still had sex with me during this 3 month fling she had.

 

AP continues to say that she felt like a side piece at the time and I was lagging on committing during that time!

[Crazelnut]

Good to see selfishness and double standard remain the foundation of infidelity.  You're being a real jerk.  You have NO right being disgruntled or hurt about your OW "cheating" on you.  There's a reason why "you reap what you sow" is a well-used adage.

3 minutes ago, JimmyNorth said:

I guess the thing that hurts me is that she was telling me she loved me and still had sex with me during this 3 month fling she had.

 

AP continues to say that she felt like a side piece at the time and I was lagging on committing during that time!

She was doing to you what you did to your wife.  shm

 

And she WAS a side piece.  You WERE lagging on committing.  How can you not see these things?

[JimmyNorth]

5 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Good to see selfishness and double standard remain the foundation of infidelity.  You're being a real jerk.  You have NO right being disgruntled or hurt about your OW "cheating" on you.  There's a reason why "you reap what you sow" is a well-used adage.

She was doing to you what you did to your wife.  shm

 

And she WAS a side piece.  You WERE lagging on committing.  How can you not see these things?

 

I know and I agree. I’m kicking myself in the ass for not handling divorce sooner and starting a real life with her. Trust me, I’m pissed at myself. 

[JimmyNorth]

Basically my message to MM’s out there. If you are truly serious about being in a real committed relationship with your AP, you better handle your divorce soon because your AP will start feeling disenchanted and open up to other men if she feels she’s waited to long for you and feels like you’ll never make the move!!

[carhill]

In your opening post you shared that your AP 'waited three years for me'. Long time, could've died in the interim, all while in a non-exclusive relationship with someone married to someone else. Long time. Had you filed for divorce and moved out and made your relationship exclusive as it apparently is now, dollars to donuts a different outcome would've occurred. You're with her now, apparently, so your work is to put the past in the past and focus on the now. How's the divorce docket proceeding? You are sharing that process with your now-current partner, right? Given history, such transparency and movement to complete dissolution is important. The prevailing sentiment here is men often go back to their spouses, sometimes even after they divorce. IME one exception is when the man files for divorce, since the vast majority of divorces are filed by women. Did you file for divorce or did your spouse? If you/she hasn't filed, watch out for your current partner to get wanderlust again. Charm, money and power can only do so much. With enough, you can keep her in the game for a good long time. That she came back to you underscores that. You're attractive. It's not difficult to become unattractive to a woman. Dwelling on what she did after three years of waiting for you can be one facet of it. I'd let that go. Up to you.

[Prudence V]

22 hours ago, Beendaredonedat said:

 

Well, she didn't think much about doing it with you so surely it should be understood that she would do it on you. 

 

 

Why would anyone think that? Most sOW are monogamously faithful in their EMRs, even if their APs (often, but not always) are not. the sOW is not the one being unfaithful, so why do you make the assumption that an OW would automatically grab an opportunity to be unfaithful? If you read these boards you’ll see most OWs struggle even to date platonically because of their single-minded focus on their AP. 
 

This OW seems to be an exception, by most accounts. And she was perfectly within her rights to do so. 
 

 

[Prudence V]

1 hour ago, JimmyNorth said:

I guess the thing that hurts me is that she was telling me she loved me and still had sex with me during this 3 month fling she had.

 

Why is this so hard for you? Isn’t that what most MM do - tell their OW they love them, and have sex with them, while still married (sometimes telling their BW they still love them, too, and sometimes even still having sex with hem, also)? Why is it so hard, so hurtful, when it’s done to you - but you just expect your OW to suck it up? 

 

1 hour ago, JimmyNorth said:

 

AP continues to say that she felt like a side piece at the time and I was lagging on committing during that time!

Which is no doubt true. She saw no evidence of commitment, she saw you treating her like a side quest, and she wanted to level the playing field a bit to make herself feel less like someone’s option. And it seems to have worked - she got your attention, became your priority - perhaps because when you realised she had options, it wasn’t just all about you and your choices, and you noticed that she was a real person with her own choices, too. 
 

I’m a fOW. My fMM and I have been M for ages now, but we make a point of choosing each other every day. We’re not together because neither of us has options, we’re together because we choose to be. If you choose to be with your fAP, then choose her and stop dwelling on your hurt feelings because she showed you she had choices. It seems she’s chosen you - for now - but if you’re going to act like an entitled hypocrite, chances are she’ll review her choice and upgrade to someone who recognised her as a person with her own free will. 

[JimmyNorth]

Trust me, I kick myself in the ass for not making a move sooner! All this could have been avoided.

[elaine567]

I think Prudence is correct many OW are monogamously faithful to their MM, but your OW wasn't.
She may have felt like a side piece but she just needed to walk away, she didn't need to sneak around and sleep with another man behind your back. whilst still proclaiming undying love for you and sleeping with you.
You have got involved with a woman who is essentially as untrustworthy as you are, and that is uncomfortable for you...
That is the problem here.

[spiritedaway2003]

I'm a SOW. I'd tend to agree that most SOW are monogamously faithful in their EA.  I can't speak for other OWs, but I can't even think about dating other men when I was in the A with my AP. 

 

I think you need to let this go.  The double standard you have there -- that you want her to be faithful while you're still with your wife.  And three years is a long time for someone to wait while you have your cake and eat it too.   You made her the side piece and made her feel unwanted.  She was SINGLE.  She wasn't the unfaithful one.  She was perfectly within her rights to do so.    She was not in a committed relationship with you, because you weren't available to be in one with her.

 

I can see why this bothers you, but you really can't be mad at her for this one.

[JimmyNorth]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I think Prudence is correct many OW are monogamously faithful to their MM, but your OW wasn't.
She may have felt like a side piece but she just needed to walk away, she didn't need to sneak around and sleep with another man behind your back. whilst still proclaiming undying love for you and sleeping with you.
You have got involved with a woman who is essentially as untrustworthy as you are, and that is uncomfortable for you...
That is the problem here.

 

When I found out, the 3 month fling was already over. She told me point blank that I wasn’t supposed to find out and that she was on the hopeful side that we would eventually be a real couple.

 

Her main complaints are she was worried about my commitment, didn’t feel desired, and hated being a secret. She never met any of my friends, family, never been to my house. Yet I was immersed all in her side with family and friends. She was a secret for over 3 years. 

 

She swears up and down that the wants to be monogamous with me. And now she’s happy I made the moves. I feel that she has real remorse for what she did. 

 

But as a man, I don’t like another penis went inside of her...sorry to be graphic 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, JimmyNorth said:

But as a man, I don’t like another penis went inside of her...sorry to be graphic 

Yes it is the mind movies that ruin it for many men after cheating.
I think women get them too but many women are more concerned about kids and houses and money and keeping the family together so put it to the back of their minds.

Many men feel the need to "top" the other guy with "better" sex, but better sex to a guy may not be better sex to a woman, so she may grow resentful and it all can  get messy with him hating her for cheating and her hating him for ruining their previous closeness.
It takes 3-5 years to get over cheating.
Have you thought about counselling?
.

[JimmyNorth]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes it is the mind movies that ruin it for many men after cheating.
I think women get them too but many women are more concerned about kids and houses and money and keeping the family together so put it to the back of their minds.

Many men feel the need to "top" the other guy with "better" sex, but better sex to a guy may not be better sex to a woman, so she may grow resentful and it all can  get messy with him hating her for cheating and her hating him for ruining their previous closeness.
It takes 3-5 years to get over cheating.
Have you thought about counselling?
.

 

BINGO!!! It is about being the better man in bed. She says to me that if it was as good as I think it was she would have continued. She said she only saw him 5 or 6 times in those 3 months, and she lost interest after. He tried to keep her coming over, but she ended up blowing him off. Another factor is I was suspecting a disconnect so I stepped up my game and paid more attention.  I used to only go there for a couple hours and leave, maybe 3 days a week. And I never stayed the night, never went on weekend or holidays. But that all changed when I stepped it up.

 

She swears up and down I’m the best she’s had. But who knows. But she is definitely excited to start a real life with me. She says it all the time. 

 

And yes, we are in counseling to handle my ex properly as well as our future properly!

Edited December 11, 2019 by JimmyNorth

[mark clemson]

Who cares who's better/the best someone's had? There's always someone better out there (even if they've never encountered them) in the 3+ BILLION men on the planet.

 

She wanted you, she's choosing you, she's with you. If she's lying about it, she's lying FOR YOU. Be happy.

[JimmyNorth]

Thanks guys for all your input. There’s an overwhelming point being made here that I definitely had a hand in this and I should appreciate what I have now and move forward in a positive way.

 

Divorce Decree has been created and filed. My BS has moved on and has already dated. Meanwhile my AP is happy as can be because now she can live a real life with me not shadowed in secrecy.

 

Truth be told, AP’s actions caused a wake up call on my part to take things seriously after 3 years. This 36 yr old AP definitely has the world at her fingertips and there would be a line of men waiting just to be with her. But she chose me at the end, even after ALL THESE YEARS of hell. So I need to at least appreciate that!

[ABernie]

On 12/9/2019 at 9:55 AM, JimmyNorth said:

 

She ended it? Or you?

 

 

HE ended it.  But it a cruel and awful way over the next 8 months.  He stayed.

[Prudence V]

On 12/11/2019 at 9:52 AM, JimmyNorth said:

Truth be told, AP’s actions caused a wake up call on my part to take things seriously after 3 years.

Exactly. She did what she had to do. If she hadn’t, you’d still be M, she’d still be unhappy, and sooner or later she’d have gotten tired of waiting and dumped you. You’ve got the best of all possible outcomes, and you’re fretting about a handful of second-rate shags? 

[2BGoodAgain]

hm...

 

All affairs are based on fantasy. Your reality sucked b/c it was a loveless marriage, but that can't be an excuse to have a relationship outside the marriage. I'm not coming from a moral standing, but in consideration of yourself and any future relationship you're to have after your defunct marriage is over.

 

I wasn't sure if you had gotten a divorce yet, or just separated, but until you're divorced, you aren't really single. I know there may be others out there who disagree, but that piece of paper means something to you or it doesn't. B/c if it doesn't, then any future pieces of paper you sign is meaningless, see what I mean? And what about relationships where you don't sign any piece of paper, do those mean even less? 

 

So not to say your current relationship with OW is doomed to fail, but there are a few fallacies you need to clear up in your head. and perhaps hers.

 

1) she may actually believe that IF you two were in a live-in real relationship, the cheating wouldn't have happened. That's a fallacy. You two WERE in a relationship, albeit you were cheating on your wife, so that argument is an excuse and rationalization than anything of substance. Does that mean anytime you two get into a hard situation, she'll go bouncing around and finding someone else to jump and then blame the situation for the cheating? See how this kind of logic goes?

 

2) you can't feel cheated on b/c you cheated on your wife. Still the feeling of betrayal is real b/c let's face it, the agreement of your relationship with the OW was that she was exclusively yours, so she knew she was doing something wrong when she went to bed with him. and mind you, at any time, a woman can say no. she chose not to the ENTIRE TIME SHE WAS HAVING SEX WITH HIM... and i'm presuming it was more than once... 

 

3) having said that, you were being chickens*** about your marriage and it IS on you for not leaving it sooner, so honestly, there are no rules that say you two are exclusive to each other b/c you are the cheater and she is the one who went to have a relationship with a cheater, so if either of you cheat on each other... it's kinda like.. well, it's what you two do... this isn't judgement on you guys, but just looking at it objectively.

 

4) so that's why your current relationship with the OW is kinda hard to keep up, but you two will need to get together and somehow try to build a relationship built on trust, honesty and fidelity, which you both are not good with, so far... still, people can change and make choices that lead to good outcomes.

 

Good luck to you both!

[BaileyB]

On 12/10/2019 at 9:56 AM, JimmyNorth said:

I guess the thing that hurts me is that she was telling me she loved me and still had sex with me during this 3 month fling she had.

 

AP continues to say that she felt like a side piece at the time and I was lagging on committing during that time!

 

She’s not wrong - she was a side piece and you admit that you were lagging in your commitment. 

 

Did you not tell her that you loved her her and then go home and sleep with your wife? 

 

There is a double standard here, and it’s going to be difficult for you to find the support you are seeking to validate your thinking. 

[JimmyNorth]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

She’s not wrong - she was a side piece and you admit that you were lagging in your commitment. 

 

Did you not tell her that you loved her her and then go home and sleep with your wife? 

 

There is a double standard here, and it’s going to be difficult for you to find the support you are seeking to validate your thinking. 

 

In reality, I’m actually validating that I should not over reacting to her hookups with the man. My argument to her was “I wasn’t attracted” to my wife anymore, yet she became attracted to this new guy for a moment and had sexual fun. In the end, this could have been prevented if I had just made my OW a real girlfriend way earlier.

 

I have to admit, my mind gets crappy with bad thought...for example: I sometimes think what if I had her as a REAL girlfriend and she met this guy...would she have still hooked up!??? But she swears it was our disconnect that made it happen. She said it could have been anyone that was halfway decent at that time that showed in interest in her.

Edited December 12, 2019 by JimmyNorth