Question for OW here!

[2BGoodAgain]

On 1/9/2020 at 8:57 PM, JimmyNorth said:

But here is the thing. I approached my AP in the beginning and told her that I was already leaving my wife and wanted to start something real with AP. At that point OW was thinking that we would be in a committed relationship much earlier than it took.

I 1000% believe that, from the beginning, she wanted an “all in” R, but my lagging for 3+ years just messed with her mind as to if I was EVER going to be with her.

may be yes... may be no...

it could go either way... no way to tell, now... b/c that's in the past and fork in the road is gone...

i honestly, couldn't tell you how it could have gone.. .b/c i suspect with most A, the intent might be true... but the outcome is never certain. a negative positive isn't any better than a negative negative... we just don't know how it'd turn out.

even IF you had said yes, 3 years ago.... and didn't dilly dally... sometimes, what we say we want, isn't really what we want... it's just a really attractive band aid for a short term fix for a bigger, long term problem; when the long term problem is ourselves and how we perceive, make choices to pursue happiness.

b/c honestly, that conclusion that what IF i had only followed the OW sooner, we might be together... is a fantasy. b/c you just don't know. it's a pretty fantasy, don't get me wrong... but you can't really know for certain. 

b/c we feel that the current situation now... OW is gone and i'm alone... if ONLY I HAD CHOSEN HER SOONER... i wouldn't feel this s***ty... but who knows what the alternative path would have resulted... 

it could have been worse than what you feel now... for all we know.. could go either way. Don't beat yourself over it; mebbe you two could have been happy in a long term relationship that lasts... or mebbe after getting what you two supposedly wanted... she could have no longer been satisfied b/c though the short term fix... may have solved the short term problem... but her long term problem....just wasn't met by the short term fix...you. I've read many more stories of A's that turn into relationships that end as abruptly... and a very very VERY few that survive into long term relationships/marriage. They DO exist!... if very very rare.

So.....Mebbe yes, mebbe no. 

Edited January 21, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[FMW]

OP, you're just going down a rabbit hole here.  You can't change the past, you can only move forward from here.  If you keep going over and over the past, you'll make yourself crazy and paranoid.    Both of you have made questionable choices in the past - so if you want things to work out you have to let that go and focus on how things are now and what your goals are together for the future.  

The two of you are in this relationship, what matters is what YOU think and feel, not how others judge you, not whether or not someone else would be ok with her (or you) as a partner.  

[JimmyNorth]

On 1/20/2020 at 10:31 PM, Dimjo9 said:

JimmyNorth,

When we get married nobody can see the future or predict the outcome.. we are not in a fairytale romance so real life marriage has ups & downs..

The more we live together as husband @ wife our flaws becomes transparent each day. Nobody is perfect this goes for both spouses.

However, i believed the good deeds overpower the bad ones. You made a vow to stay together tru thick or thin.

If I am in your situation i will drop my AP asap @ go home to my wife. I will ask for her forgiveness @ do whatever i can to start over..

Your wife didn’t cheat on you; she’s probably pre occupied with the kids or household chores, work to help you make ends. ( my hint ).

Have you look in the mirror & ask yourself if your a good husband pre-affair ?? Your wife has her faults but so are you ?

Thats why Husband & Wife principle “ 2 heads better than one “.. they share responsibilities, ease the pain, & communicate..

Its not too late.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I appreciate your comment here. While I truly believe that it’s beneficial to always try and save the marriage, in my case that opportunity is gone. I tried many many times, years ago....but never worked. My exbs and I were not a match. 

My AP now turned real GF are doing great. The commitment we have now that the “double life” is gone is strong.

When I started this thread, it was about how I was pissed because my mistress was done waiting for me and starting to date people. Now looking back, it’s ridiculous that I was a hypocrite.

[Dimjo9]

Hi Brother. I respect your decision @ all the best.. 👍🏻

[JimmyNorth]

On 1/21/2020 at 5:13 AM, Finding my way said:

OP, you're just going down a rabbit hole here.  You can't change the past, you can only move forward from here.  If you keep going over and over the past, you'll make yourself crazy and paranoid.    Both of you have made questionable choices in the past - so if you want things to work out you have to let that go and focus on how things are now and what your goals are together for the future.  

The two of you are in this relationship, what matters is what YOU think and feel, not how others judge you, not whether or not someone else would be ok with her (or you) as a partner.  

This is good advice!!

[oldtruck]

On 12/9/2019 at 8:02 AM, JimmyNorth said:

I know I’ll get roasted here, but I’d like some honest opinions. 

 

I’ve been married man for 15 years. The last 6 years was virtually loveless. I felt I’ve had to beg for sex or affection. There were numerous factors that led to this, but I truly tried to be the perfect husband.  4 years ago I met my AP at work. She is young and hot and looooved being with me. The affair has been going on for the last 4 years. My AP has been patiently waiting for me to get a divorce. Except I’ve been dragging this out for 4 years. About 6 months ago my AP ending up dating somebody for a couple months and had sex. She cut it off with him before I found out. When I finally found out I was furious. My thoughts were ‘how could she do this to me’...ironic I know! 

 

I kept telling her to be patient as I would pursue my divorce soon, but she was getting impatient while at the same time holding on to hope I would end up with her. So now I’m upset as if she cheated on me, it actually hurts me the same as if I were married to her. My AP says I am her soul mate and she doesn’t want to lose me. She says the only reason why she slept with the other man is because she didn’t feel desired or wanted by me. She said it was purely sexual with that guy and had no feelings. She swears that if we had a REAL relationship, other men wouldn’t even exist.

 

So now, I am separated from my wife and I am practically living with my AP. She is totally in love and so happy I am with her every night and don’t go home. But I have to admit that her “infidelity” to me has made me feel the same as if I were her husband and she cheated on me...it hurts. I know it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help The way I feel. I do love my AP sincerely. I was just comfortable before on not making any moves and living a double life. But at the end of the day I really wish I had gotten divorce years ago and started my real relationship with my AP. Then she would not have slept with anyone which put a wedge in my heart. And I sometimes get in arguments with her about her “cheating”.  Is it stupid for me to feel this way and have hurt over it?

 

I’d like to get insight from OW here as well.

they cheat with you the will cheat on you

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, oldtruck said:

they cheat with you the will cheat on you

I wouldn't go that far. I would agree that past behaviour is often predictive of future behaviour, especially when he person blames the circumstances and not the person.

OP, you didn't force this woman to get involved with you You didn't force her to cheat on you, She ALWAYS  had options. She chose what she did. She is not a child who can't make decisions for herself. She is a woman who is quite comfortable with infidelity. There's no two ways about it. She could have said to you" honey, I love you, but this isn't working out. I want to see other people". but she didn't Instead, she chose to sneak. Now you may be okay with that, but will you be the next time she feels unloved, ignored or that she;s not a top priority. In other words,, once real life comes along and kicks her in the @ss, she may not be the loyal person you think she is.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, pepperbird said:

once real life comes along and kicks her in the @ss, she may not be the loyal person you think she is.

As true as that statement is, it can often be true for non-cheating partners as well.

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, pepperbird said:

she may not be the loyal person you think she is.

Neither is he, so they’re even. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Neither is he, so they’re even. 

Ok, but it doesn't make for very comfortable living, does it?
Hence the thread...

[JimmyNorth]

7 hours ago, pepperbird said:

I wouldn't go that far. I would agree that past behaviour is often predictive of future behaviour, especially when he person blames the circumstances and not the person.

OP, you didn't force this woman to get involved with you You didn't force her to cheat on you, She ALWAYS  had options. She chose what she did. She is not a child who can't make decisions for herself. She is a woman who is quite comfortable with infidelity. There's no two ways about it. She could have said to you" honey, I love you, but this isn't working out. I want to see other people". but she didn't Instead, she chose to sneak. Now you may be okay with that, but will you be the next time she feels unloved, ignored or that she;s not a top priority. In other words,, once real life comes along and kicks her in the @ss, she may not be the loyal person you think she is.

To be completely honest, she gave me many many verbal notices throughout the years. She would tell me things like “How many more years am I waiting for you??” Or “Should I get another boyfriend while I wait for you?” (I did not take that seriously at all). I also notice, just a few months before she really starting to date, that she was beginning to “have her own life” so to speak, while waiting for me to commit to her.

I willing to bet many WH’s just drag their feet and are totally comfortable not making any moves, even though that creates more damage to ALL PARTIES involved.

She always loved me, even throughout her dating. I 100% know she always has. It’s bad that we both started our relationship this way.

[Hip Pocket]

I think you just need to get over it. She did what any normal frustrated person would do in that situation, but she learned that it didn’t bring her the love that she found with you, and you learned that there are consequences to not moving in acceptable time. (The same lesson your first W learned when she denied you passion). 
 

I guess the question is how is she cheating on you when you’re not even committed to her? Now that you’re living together you are for all intents and purposes committed to her so she likely won’t step out on you. I think you should cut her some slack especially given you’ve moved on to a new phase in your R. 
 

Years ago my MM told me that he wanted to try to make his M work. A week later he seriously regretted telling me that but I’d found someone new and dated him for about four months. Six months after my MM said he wanted to try working on his M he came back to me telling me of his deep regrets and that he wanted me back. I told him about the boyfriend I had while we were apart and he flipped like a BH! The double standard was insane. The next two times we were together he couldn’t perform due to mind movies of me and the short term boyfriend. But he finally got over it and we’ve been going strong ever since. The main point is that he learned that if he doesn’t want me with anyone else he’s got to keep me happy where I am. It sounds like you’ve learned this as well and all you’ve got to do now is let the fling go. It’s in the past and you’ve both learned from it. Move on and be happy. 

[JimmyNorth]

On 2/3/2020 at 7:46 AM, Pocket said:

I think you just need to get over it. She did what any normal frustrated person would do in that situation, but she learned that it didn’t bring her the love that she found with you, and you learned that there are consequences to not moving in acceptable time. (The same lesson your first W learned when she denied you passion). 
 

I guess the question is how is she cheating on you when you’re not even committed to her? Now that you’re living together you are for all intents and purposes committed to her so she likely won’t step out on you. I think you should cut her some slack especially given you’ve moved on to a new phase in your R. 
 

Years ago my MM told me that he wanted to try to make his M work. A week later he seriously regretted telling me that but I’d found someone new and dated him for about four months. Six months after my MM said he wanted to try working on his M he came back to me telling me of his deep regrets and that he wanted me back. I told him about the boyfriend I had while we were apart and he flipped like a BH! The double standard was insane. The next two times we were together he couldn’t perform due to mind movies of me and the short term boyfriend. But he finally got over it and we’ve been going strong ever since. The main point is that he learned that if he doesn’t want me with anyone else he’s got to keep me happy where I am. It sounds like you’ve learned this as well and all you’ve got to do now is let the fling go. It’s in the past and you’ve both learned from it. Move on and be happy. 

Exactly!!! You are spot on. I’m glad to hear from a OW point of view. I’m sure your MM created a lot of heartache for you while you were waiting for him as well. 

I totally get it!!

[Hip Pocket]

11 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

Exactly!!! You are spot on. I’m glad to hear from a OW point of view. I’m sure your MM created a lot of heartache for you while you were waiting for him as well. 

I totally get it!!

Yes, it was a very painful time but I wasn’t going to sit around and pine for him while he did his due diligence on a {dead} M. He needed to know if it could work and found that it didn’t once and for all and once I knew he knew that, and gave him a chance to prove to me that we could be happy going forward, I allowed him back in. 
 

We went to a CC where we shared that story of his being upset about the boyfriend I had during our breakup and she said his reaction was very immature and incredibly outrageous. To see her confront him in such an angry and indignant way validated my feelings and showed him I wasn’t alone in my opinion. That’s when he got over it and we were able to put it all behind us. 
 

I think men in particular are physically possessive over the women they love by nature but once they bring logic into the mix they can make sense of things. So, on a gut level the information hurts but on a logical level it all makes sense. I’m glad you’ve allowed yourself some time to let the logic take over your senses. Your R with her going forward can be a strong and beautiful thing. 

[Fletch Lives]

Counseling may help.

You may get over her cheating in time. Some people can get over it, some people can't. 

[Hip Pocket]

5 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Counseling may help.

You may get over her cheating in time. Some people can get over it, some people can't. 

Was she cheating if he himself was in two Rs? 

[JimmyNorth]

11 hours ago, Pocket said:

Was she cheating if he himself was in two Rs? 

Very true!!! The hypocrisies us MM’s display is unreal! But you and everyone else are right. It’s just some MM’s want to be superior to the other men the AP may date.

[Fletch Lives]

15 hours ago, Pocket said:

Was she cheating if he himself was in two Rs? 

If that's the case they were both cheating. Obviously he should stop cheating too.

[Hip Pocket]

On 2/6/2020 at 12:36 AM, JimmyNorth said:

Very true!!! The hypocrisies us MM’s display is unreal! But you and everyone else are right. It’s just some MM’s want to be superior to the other men the AP may date.

And you know what? You are! 

[JimmyNorth]

3 hours ago, Pocket said:

And you know what? You are! 

Thanks you Pocket! I believe your experience is valuable information for other MM’s out there that truly want their OW. I can imagine how your MM acted like a BH, it’s crazy how the mind works.

[FMW]

JimmyNorth, Pocket's situation - according to her posting history - is that her MM is still married and she has no problem with that.  No shade on Pocket, but just be clear on that fact before relating it too closely to your situation.    

[JimmyNorth]

5 hours ago, FMW said:

JimmyNorth, Pocket's situation - according to her posting history - is that her MM is still married and she has no problem with that.  No shade on Pocket, but just be clear on that fact before relating it too closely to your situation.    

It appeared that Pockets MM was lagging and Pocket started to date because of his attempt to repair marriage. I was assuming MM rushed back to Pocket for a  full on relationship after that. 

[FMW]

Jimmy North you might want to check out Pockets' various posts in the copied thread.  My take on her situation is NOT what you are assuming.  

Again, I'm not throwing shade on Pockets, I just think you should be clear on her situation before determining its relevance to yours.

[Hip Pocket]

On 2/8/2020 at 12:16 PM, JimmyNorth said:

It appeared that Pockets MM was lagging and Pocket started to date because of his attempt to repair marriage. I was assuming MM rushed back to Pocket for a  full on relationship after that. 

If by full on you mean out in the open no, it didn’t happen that way. But if you mean full on as in all of our needs are met and we are blissfully happy with the way things are then yes, we have a very full and satisfying R. It doesn’t really matter though because the topic was about how you felt jealous and possessive over your OW when she was with someone else just as my MM did with me despite us not being M to each other. You were both MM at the time, and both felt hurt and cheated even though you both were committed to others. And you both (seemingly) overcame the fling which didn’t mean much except to show you what she meant to you. 

[JimmyNorth]

On 2/10/2020 at 3:17 AM, Pocket said:

If by full on you mean out in the open no, it didn’t happen that way. But if you mean full on as in all of our needs are met and we are blissfully happy with the way things are then yes, we have a very full and satisfying R. It doesn’t really matter though because the topic was about how you felt jealous and possessive over your OW when she was with someone else just as my MM did with me despite us not being M to each other. You were both MM at the time, and both felt hurt and cheated even though you both were committed to others. And you both (seemingly) overcame the fling which didn’t mean much except to show you what she meant to you. 

Pocket, do you ever think you’ll want yur MM to yourself? Eventually?

Do you get lonely on holidays or things like that? I was thinking that you’d end up wanting exclusive one day.

What are your thought?