snowcones Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 If your relationship is only based on sex, its not going to last. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 (edited) 6 hours ago, JimmyNorth said: Not to get graphic or anything, but she swears up and down that she could not have orgasms with the other guy. At first I was like “ya right” because she ALWAYS has legit orgasms with me, so I thought she was just naturally good at having them (and no, she doesn’t fake with me, trust me I know!!). But after talking to some other women who have had short flings (2-5 times of sex with some man) before, they confirm that sometimes they could not orgasm and had to fake it. The only person who knows that is her and I doubt she would tell you if she actually found the sex mind blowing... mind blowing sex does not equal love in the minds of most women. How did this relationship actually end after 3 months? Did he know about you? Was he married/attached? Did she end it or did he? Edited December 22, 2019 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JimmyNorth Posted December 22, 2019 Author Share Posted December 22, 2019 (edited) 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: The only person who knows that is her and I doubt she would tell you if she actually found the sex mind blowing... mind blowing sex does not equal love in the minds of most women. How did this relationship actually end after 3 months? Did he know about you? Was he married/attached? Did she end it or did he? Ir just fizzled out for her. He kept trying to get her over, but she started blowing him off as soon as I started showing more interest. He had other “gf’s” and she knew he wasn’t relationship type. My AP told him we had issues. She says that it could have really been any guy that showed her attention at that time as she just felt I wasn’t committing to her the way she needed. Edited December 22, 2019 by JimmyNorth Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 (edited) On 12/9/2019 at 8:12 AM, JimmyNorth said: If your MM is lagging on the divorce and keeps telling you to wait and that you guys will be together forever, do you have a breaking point? If it took too long, would you actually loose hope and end up dating other men? I ask be because my AP waited over 3 years for me. Then toward the end of the 3rd year, ended up meeting a guy and having sex with him for 2 months. She ended it before i found out. When I finally found out I was furious. My thoughts were ‘how could she do this to me’...ironic I know! I kept telling her to be patient as I would pursue my divorce soon, but she was getting impatient while at the same time holding on to hope I would end up with her. So now I’m upset as if she cheated on me, it actually hurts me the same as if I were married to her. My AP says I am her soul mate and she doesn’t want to lose me. She says the only reason why she slept with the other man is because she didn’t feel desired or wanted by me. She said it was purely sexual with that guy and had no feelings. She swears that if we had a REAL relationship, other men wouldn’t even exist. So now, I am separated from my wife and I am practically living with my AP. She is totally in love and so happy I am with her every night and don’t go home. But I have to admit that her “infidelity” to me has made me feel the same as if I were her husband and she cheated on me...it hurts. I know it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help The way I feel. I do love my AP sincerely. I was just comfortable before on not making any moves and living a double life. But at the end of the day I really wish I had gotten divorce years ago and started my real relationship with my AP. Then she would not have slept with anyone which put a wedge in my heart. And I sometimes get in arguments with her about her “cheating”. Is it stupid for me to feel this way and have hurt over it? Yes. Of course its stupid. You literally ruined your marriage for this woman, cheated on your wife, made your AP wait almost 4 years to be with you for real, and you want to hold something so STUPID over her head? You are being absolutely unreasonable. Yes. Very. Stop arguing about this and go hug her and apologize. Then never mention that s*** again. Get the hell over it. If she cheats now, sure, be mad. It is absolutely ok for her to have found affection elsewhere. Of course it is. How rude of you to think otherwise. Give your head a good shake. Seriously. It's not worth ruining another relationship because of your poor choices. Seriously, apologize to her and never ever utter it again. You're even, k? Shut up about the wedge in your heart. The fact she gave you the time of day after 4 years is astounding. Thank her for that. Sorry for being so blunt and rude. But you're going to ruin what you've both waited a long time to have... all because SHE WASNT CHEATING Edited December 24, 2019 by Daisydooks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JimmyNorth Posted December 24, 2019 Author Share Posted December 24, 2019 2 hours ago, Daisydooks said: Yes. Of course its stupid. You literally ruined your marriage for this woman, cheated on your wife, made your AP wait almost 4 years to be with you for real, and you want to hold something so STUPID over her head? You are being absolutely unreasonable. Yes. Very. Stop arguing about this and go hug her and apologize. Then never mention that s*** again. Get the hell over it. If she cheats now, sure, be mad. It is absolutely ok for her to have found affection elsewhere. Of course it is. How rude of you to think otherwise. Give your head a good shake. Seriously. It's not worth ruining another relationship because of your poor choices. Seriously, apologize to her and never ever utter it again. You're even, k? Shut up about the wedge in your heart. The fact she gave you the time of day after 4 years is astounding. Thank her for that. Sorry for being so blunt and rude. But you're going to ruin what you've both waited a long time to have... all because SHE WASNT CHEATING I agree with you wholeheartedly!! I’m more pissed with myself everyday for not talking proper actions before. I could have easily filed for divorce 4 years ago and started a proper relationship with this woman. Now I completely see what MM go through in regards to being indecisive when trying to choose what path to go. HERES MY ADVICE TO ALL MM WITH AN AP..... If you truly view your AP as a viable mate and see a real future with her, then TAKE THE PROPER STEPS to end your marriage (if it’s already too far gone) and begin your new chapter with someone you believe will be special to you for the second half of your life!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted December 26, 2019 Share Posted December 26, 2019 I am kind of struggling as to why this bothers you so much? If you were married for 15 years, likely you are not a youngster. Everyone has a past, so clearly there have been others for both of you. Start the clock from when you began your legitimate relationship..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 26, 2019 Share Posted December 26, 2019 Men tend to want to make long term partners out of women with "clean" histories. Honest and true and uncomplicated women they can trust. Yes, there were extenuating circumstances here, but she cheated on the OP, that is the bottom line. Telling the OP she loved him and was sleeping with him at the same time she was seeing and sleeping with another man. That is not honest and true and uncomplicated... That is the problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JimmyNorth Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 On 12/26/2019 at 12:12 PM, elaine567 said: Men tend to want to make long term partners out of women with "clean" histories. Honest and true and uncomplicated women they can trust. Yes, there were extenuating circumstances here, but she cheated on the OP, that is the bottom line. Telling the OP she loved him and was sleeping with him at the same time she was seeing and sleeping with another man. That is not honest and true and uncomplicated... That is the problem. While that is true, when does a OW decide enough is enough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 they cheat with you they will cheat on you Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Seriously? She "cheated" on him? The one who was going home to his wife every night? Remember the "Well that’s not fair. It was only a few times..lol. I know I know, hypocrite" response to whether or not he had sex with his wife? Did the OW promise to be faithful to the OP? Did the OP tell the OW he loved her while the "only a few times" were going on with his wife? Neither the OP or his former OW/current girlfriend are standing on righteous ground. We aren't talking about a sweet high school romance. The "rules" are not the same. OP, either you can get past this or you can't. If you can't, then do you both a favor and end it now. I'm not ragging on you - I'm just saying get real and deal with the reality of the circumstances of how your relationship began - and proceeded for quite some time. Neither of you have been devoted sweethearts. I think you are earnest in your desire to have a future together. But that's not going to happen if you can't come to terms with things - just as she's had to do - and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 you should have left your wife ages ago. she didnt cheat you were married to another woman and choose to stay leading her on. get over it, be happy move on Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 15 hours ago, oldtruck said: they cheat with you they will cheat on you Cliche, and clearly not true, as many of us can attest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 40 minutes ago, Prudence V said: Cliche, and clearly not true, as many of us can attest. The only data the OP has to go on his his actions and hers. Both showed they can and will cheat if and when they feel justified in doing so. There's no wiggle room here. It is what is it.OP, If you really want a relationship with this women, I would suggest counseling for the two of you. You both come into this relationship with a lot of baggage you need to unpack. While "once a cheater always a cheater" is certainly not always the case, there is a kernel of truth there. You can choose to ignore this and go about your life, or you can both accept that and find ways to make better choices in the future. It's up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 31 minutes ago, pepperbird said: "once a cheater always a cheater" If this were true, no marriage touched by infidelity could ever reconcile. Many stories here suggest this isn’t so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 2:02 PM, Prudence V said: If this were true, no marriage touched by infidelity could ever reconcile. Many stories here suggest this isn’t so. Someone who cheats shows they have it in them to cheat, otherwise, they wouldn't do it.That doesn't mean they can't make other choices, just that the option is there. They've tried it once, saw that is gave them whatever they were looking for, and may decide that hell, if it worked once, why not give it another go? Op, if you really want to make this new relationship work, you are both going to have to put in effort to make it work, and that means facing some unpleasant truths. The good thing is that if you put that work in, the two of you may stand a passable chance of lasting over the long term. That means doing the digging to find out the WHYS of the cheating on both your parts. The simple answers of ' I was bored", "I felt lonely" or " I felt neglected/ ignored/ put upon/whatever " won't cut it. Those are normal, everyday experienced we all go through- but an awful lot of us don't use cheating to ameliorate that. We find other ways. What will happen the next time you aren't giving her 100 percent? what happens if she isn't giving you 100 percent? What if you go onto have a family? that can put even the best of relationships tot he test. You two have your whole lives ahead of you. it may sound slow and frustrating, but putting the effort in now can be a real investment in your long term happiness. Are you willing to forgo that and fly by the seat of your pants? A little bit of short term happiness vs. a lifetime of feeling good? It's up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 2:02 PM, Prudence V said: If this were true, no marriage touched by infidelity could ever reconcile. Many stories here suggest this isn’t so. In my experience, these marriages undergo a lot of counseling, soul searching and honest conversations. From what I understand, your marriage is relatively happy, so you may not have any personal experience in this area. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Depends what is meant by "reconciling". Reconciling can mean the marriage is, to all intents and purposes "repaired" or it can mean at the other end of a broad spectrum, they stay together but the cheater is still cheating and the BS is in daily hell... People reconcile for many reasons, kids, finances, social standing, religion, culture, friends/family... etc but none of it is proof that "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 17 hours ago, elaine567 said: Depends what is meant by "reconciling". Reconciling can mean the marriage is, to all intents and purposes "repaired" or it can mean at the other end of a broad spectrum, they stay together but the cheater is still cheating and the BS is in daily hell... People reconcile for many reasons, kids, finances, social standing, religion, culture, friends/family... etc but none of it is proof that "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't true. I'm not sure how someone can ever be 100 percent sure their spouse isn't cheating anyway. It could be that the bs/ow/om who now feels secure in their relationship may well be cheated on without them even being aware. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 2:40 AM, misspalmy said: you should have left your wife ages ago. she didnt cheat you were married to another woman and choose to stay leading her on. get over it, be happy move on And he was still sleeping with his wife........ so he was very much sticking his _______ elsewhere also. It wasn't like OP wasnt engaged in his marriage and faking it for 4 years while sleeping with his wife... His wife ended it when he got caught. The affair would still be ongoing, as well as his marriage, if his wife never found out. I would forget everything posted here OP, go give her a hug, bring her flowers this evening and tell her that you love her and you're sorry for being an ass who made her hold on for so long while you were being indecisive. Youd still be fence sitting if your wife never found out. Let's get honest here and maybe you'll get the help you need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JimmyNorth Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 On 1/6/2020 at 12:15 PM, Daisydooks said: And he was still sleeping with his wife........ so he was very much sticking his _______ elsewhere also. It wasn't like OP wasnt engaged in his marriage and faking it for 4 years while sleeping with his wife... His wife ended it when he got caught. The affair would still be ongoing, as well as his marriage, if his wife never found out. I would forget everything posted here OP, go give her a hug, bring her flowers this evening and tell her that you love her and you're sorry for being an ass who made her hold on for so long while you were being indecisive. Youd still be fence sitting if your wife never found out. Let's get honest here and maybe you'll get the help you need. Thats basically what I’m doing. My AP (now gf) said she would have kept dating until I fully committed or she found someone that would have committed to her. She said at the age of 36, her clock is ticking and she wanted to belong in a committed relationship. The truth is she has always been “whooped” on me. She always loved me so much, but started to think I was a pipe dream. While she always held a kernel of hope I’d be with her, her strength to wait was fading away. Me going over her house 2-3 times a week and only staying 2 hours and never staying over or spending time on holidays was killing our connection. I feel bad for even letting her disconnect in that way. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 How do you feel about having children with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, JimmyNorth said: Thats basically what I’m doing. My AP (now gf) said she would have kept dating until I fully committed or she found someone that would have committed to her. She said at the age of 36, her clock is ticking and she wanted to belong in a committed relationship. The truth is she has always been “whooped” on me. She always loved me so much, but started to think I was a pipe dream. While she always held a kernel of hope I’d be with her, her strength to wait was fading away. Me going over her house 2-3 times a week and only staying 2 hours and never staying over or spending time on holidays was killing our connection. I feel bad for even letting her disconnect in that way. I want you to look inward here. How bad do you really feel? Your wife ended it when she found out about your affair. Had your wife never found out, would you have ever changed anything? Would you be in the relationship you're in currently? Or would you still be in your marriage? It sounds like you just moved from one house to the other when your wife left you or told you to get out. That is not the foundation you want to build on after 4 years of building on unsteady ground to begin with. You don't actually have to answer that here but it is worth asking yourself these tough questions I want nothing more than for you to have a healthy relationship with her but to me just showing up on her doorstep because your wife dumped you is not a good enough reason to end up together You have used her as a crutch in your marriage for 4 years. My concern and question is that if and when you go through independent counselling, will you need your crutch anymore? Edited January 7, 2020 by Daisydooks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JimmyNorth Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 55 minutes ago, elaine567 said: How do you feel about having children with her? I can’t have kids (vasectomy). But we discussed this and she doesn’t want any at this point since she feels it’s too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JimmyNorth Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, Daisydooks said: I want you to look inward here. How bad do you really feel? Your wife ended it when she found out about your affair. Had your wife never found out, would you have ever changed anything? Would you be in the relationship you're in currently? Or would you still be in your marriage? It sounds like you just moved from one house to the other when your wife left you or told you to get out. That is not the foundation you want to build on after 4 years of building on unsteady ground to begin with. You don't actually have to answer that here but it is worth asking yourself these tough questions I want nothing more than for you to have a healthy relationship with her but to me just showing up on her doorstep because your wife dumped you is not a good enough reason to end up together I truly always wanted to be with her and I just needed a kick in the butt to get me out of the rut I was stuck in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, JimmyNorth said: I can’t have kids (vasectomy). But we discussed this and she doesn’t want any at this point since she feels it’s too late. Oh dear.I see trouble ahead. Not only did you "steal" her last most fertile years, but you have your kids and she has none... At 36 she is not too old, but I guess she is saying that as kids with you would be "problematic" and she may not want to scare you away now she has finally got you.... The real issues may start when she realises kids for her are no longer a realistic option and she is going to die without having any kids of her own. Edited January 8, 2020 by elaine567 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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