This is making me feel unbalanced and I need help

[agawam25]

A little bit of background fyi: my gf and I have been together for the past year and a half, almost. I’m in my mid 30s, she’s somewhat younger (mid to late 20s). From day one, we have had an honest relationship, where no topic was taboo and nothing was a secret worth keeping. She’s comes from a very liberal - should I say liberated - society, I’m from a more conservative one, but I’ve worked hard to keep an open mind and understand that not everyone comes from the same kind of environment, while also knowing and acknowledging that past experiences are simply that - past experiences. I have never, nor would I ever, feel jealous or threatened by the number of previous partners she had, while at the same time, she’s also been wonderfully accepting of all of my previous relationships.

 

She’s met one of my ex’s (more a friend I slept with, really), and the two of them have great rapport. I know that she keeps in touch with one of her exes too, who she remained friends with and used to travel with long after they broke up with. Perhaps not something I would do, but like I said, a) we’re all different, b) I fully trust her, period, and c) she’s never done anything to make me doubt her in the least. The issue obviously doesn't lie in the trust we've built over time. That is completely bulletproof.

 

Here comes the issue: she introduced me to a friend of hers about a year ago. Let’s call him Bob. Bob and I became instant friends, and over this past year, we have been in touch and have spent time together, while also kinda working on a project together as well. Bob and her have a true friendship: when she suddenly became unemployed, Bob bent over backwards trying to recommend her for jobs at his company, with his friends, etc. Two weeks ago, I was supposed to go on a work-related trip, with Bob also going to the same town on unrelated business. As luck would have it, Bob’s hotel room got cancelled, so I offered him to stay with me at this AirBnB I was renting. My gf and I joked about the two of us sharing a room, and she told me that she had stayed with him once… I knew they met abroad in 2016, and I know I had a weird gut feeling when she was talking about how they met then, so I just blurted out the question of whether they ever had sex. She said yes, twice. I mean, I am also fully aware that there’s literally nothing between them, and that this was way before we even met, but… It hurt me I guess. On some weird lizard brain level, it really punched me in the gut, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. Obviously her past is not an issue for me, nor was it ever an issue with me in previous relationships. I've been friends with my former gfs' exes before. It was literally something I would deal with on the spot and move on.

 

I ended up sharing my AirBnB with him anyway - I do like him a lot as a person. We ended up talking about Bob’s favourite subject, though: women. And what hurt me in reality is the way he thinks of women as conquests. I mean, of course he has no idea that I know - at least he didn't know at the time (later I learned that he was made aware at some point). But just listening to him go on for two days about all the women he has f***ed in life kinda made me feel a little bit sick to my stomach. I do think he’s unable to have a lasting, meaningful relationship, and I don’t believe he’s malicious at all. On top of it all, I also think he’s oblivious as to how f***ed up he is truly. But the two things combined: his behaviour and the fact that he had slept with my gf started an avalanche of scenarios in my head. And I can’t shake them, and I feel the thoughts have been affecting me and my well-being. I mean, if he's willing to talk about women so openly to me like that, what on Earth is he telling his buddies about my gf? You don't do that to friends, I'm sorry. You don't do that to her, who's been one of your most trusted friends in life. You just don't.

 

But I am also quite troubled by the fact that as a man, and also implicated at that, I didn't stand up to him much on this. I'm embarrassed in front of my gf for at least not saying hey, we're talking about real human beings here (not to mention that, by leaving my gf out of his stories, he did me more harm than good. He was probably doing out of respect - but I felt disrespected more, paradoxically. As if he couldn't just say 'hey, this happened, are we good?' That would have sufficed.).

 

I thought this would go away after a while, and that I was making too big of a deal about it. But two weeks later, I’m still feeling a little sick to my stomach, and I don’t know how to address this or where to start. I have talked about this to my gf last night and after assuring her this has nothing to do with some weird postfactum jealousy, she was suggesting that I should perhaps take a step back and give it time and then see if I want to be friends with Bob at a later time. I think that's really fair, but on the other hand, I feel like I haven't been honest to him, I haven't spoken my mind and that I should say something regardless.

 

Thanks for reading my post. I'd appreciate any advice.
 

[schlumpy]

Don't talk about your past sex life and don't ask about hers and don't hang around with Ex's. It always ends up like this sooner or later. 

[agawam25]

Well, in that sense the damage is done since I had no idea prior to two weeks ago of any of this.

 

The question remains, with all due respect and while appreciating your reply: how do I deal with the issue at hand? Thanks.

[schlumpy]

Distance yourself from her ex's and don't bring yours into the relationship. Eventually, given time, they will wander off on their own. When you find someone you believe you can spend your life with like your SO you circle the wagons. It's about the future and not the past.

 

Don't go out of your way to be with her old BF and quit pretending you can be friends with her ex's or she can be friends with yours. It will always ends up being a burr in the relationship as you are finding out.

[agawam25]

12 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Distance yourself from her ex's and don't bring yours into the relationship. Eventually, given time, they will wander off on their own. When you find someone you believe you can spend your life with like your SO you circle the wagons. It's about the future and not the past.

 

Don't go out of your way to be with her old BF and quit pretending you can be friends with her ex's or she can be friends with yours. It will always ends up being a burr in the relationship as you are finding out.

 

That's more than a fair suggestion, thanks.

 

One further question remains: do I say anything to him? I quite obviously have a strong desire to do so. I just won't have an opportunity to see him before mid-next month, but I feel like I should at least write to him and explain why I think what he did was wrong.

[schlumpy]

I may be way off base here so take this with some salt please, but I don't know what you hope accomplish by saying something. I don't think you will change his attitude towards women. I think you are hurting from this and probably thinking about them being together even though it was a while back for her it happened for you when she told you.

 

Give yourself some time to get past these feelings. If she's smart and wants you around she will reassure you that you are the guy in her life. If she doesn't, then it's better to face that now then down the road where you will be more entangled financially or maybe children are involved. You can't ignore this. No matter what modern philosophy you wish you could live, it all comes down to how you are wired inside and that's what you have to be true to . 

[agawam25]

I'm willing to consider what you're saying - but I know for a fact I was actually really okay until the trip. Afterwards, I felt a kind of sadness that I couldn't explain to myself (one part was connected to other things), and then it turned into an active problem in my mind as I described above.

 

All I know is that my initial reaction was 'okay, no surprise there'. I didn't even bother thinking about it until day two of the trip when he started telling me about his various 'conquests' and being a bit too smug about it for my taste.

 

Contemporary philosophy or not, to me it comes down to not wasting my energy or time on past matters, especially if I trust the person I'm with. And I trust her 100%. That's why I had to reach out to this forum. I simply can't explain why it's bothering me so much, apart from the fact that it was his bs stories that triggered me.

[agawam25]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

I may be way off base here so take this with some salt please, but I don't know what you hope accomplish by saying something. I don't think you will change his attitude towards women. I think you are hurting from this and probably thinking about them being together even though it was a while back for her it happened for you when she told you.

 

Give yourself some time to get past these feelings. If she's smart and wants you around she will reassure you that you are the guy in her life. If she doesn't, then it's better to face that now then down the road where you will be more entangled financially or maybe children are involved. You can't ignore this. No matter what modern philosophy you wish you could live, it all comes down to how you are wired inside and that's what you have to be true to . 

 

Two minor things: the problem is that I should have had the option of making a rational decision on whether I wanted to spend time with Bob or not. I probably would have, as I actually think healthy friendships can come out of earlier hookups (I have at least one friend like that), so I wouldn't have had any issues with the two of them being friends to begin with. Now it's like, I allowed this guy into my inner circle and he's lost it over bs like bragging.

 

I feel betrayed by someone I thought of as a friend, that's the loss I'm trying to cope with here.

 

The second problem I have is that I feel both me and my gf were made fool of in front of his other friends, who he introduced us to maybe a couple of months ago. Thus he completely lost my trust when it comes to spending any time with anyone from his circle at any future point. To illustrate why I think this is a problem, I hope he understands that for instance, if he asked those same people he told about my gf in unflattering terms to hire her, that would have actually hurt her chances of getting a job... So if he thinks he was doing her a favour, he most likely wasn't. All that so that he could look like Casanova in people's eyes. What a cheap way to lose a friend.

Edited December 9, 2019 by agawam25
Missing last few words in the post.

[2BGoodAgain]

perhaps seeing her ex and hearing from him about his "conquest" brought more to the surface and made real your gf's past. it's one thing to hear about it, it's something diff to see it made real. 

 

Here was a guy who banged your gf. it isn't just some abstract thought in your head, it's real. he's seen your gf naked and prob a lot more other scenes that prob bothers you inside, you just don't realize it. So I think that's why you suddenly feel this way. the problem isn't him or your gf; the problem is you. I'm not saying this to point fingers, but to show you the root cause so you can figure out whatever it is that's bothering you.

 

it seems to me that what's bothering you right now, is just the surface symptoms... what's underneath it is the real problem and you prob wanna talk it out with a buddy or therapist to voice it. sometimes voicing it outloud reveals things you never thought about b/c it's buried deep in your past or subconscious. 

 

As for your current GF, she seems like a gem. understanding and giving you prospective; seems a keeper, so if you don't want to lose that, work on yourself and figure this out b/f it drives away the one person you really want to keep.

 

good luck to you. 

[agawam25]

1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

perhaps seeing her ex and hearing from him about his "conquest" brought more to the surface and made real your gf's past. it's one thing to hear about it, it's something diff to see it made real. 

 

Here was a guy who banged your gf. it isn't just some abstract thought in your head, it's real. he's seen your gf naked and prob a lot more other scenes that prob bothers you inside, you just don't realize it. So I think that's why you suddenly feel this way. the problem isn't him or your gf; the problem is you. I'm not saying this to point fingers, but to show you the root cause so you can figure out whatever it is that's bothering you.

 

it seems to me that what's bothering you right now, is just the surface symptoms... what's underneath it is the real problem and you prob wanna talk it out with a buddy or therapist to voice it. sometimes voicing it outloud reveals things you never thought about b/c it's buried deep in your past or subconscious. 

 

As for your current GF, she seems like a gem. understanding and giving you prospective; seems a keeper, so if you don't want to lose that, work on yourself and figure this out b/f it drives away the one person you really want to keep.

 

good luck to you. 

 

Thanks for this. In the meantime, my gf and I had another honest conversation and I realised that I was being somewhat irrational in my overall reaction, which ended up frustrating her as she didn't really know how to help me, while at the same time she was trying to explain that she values their friendship and the sex was a) quite some time ago, b) inconsequential to their relationship afterwards. Both fair points, especially since I have friends like that as well.

 

But where she really got things right, I think, is the fact that Bob has problems when it comes to relating to women and that at least he wasn't malicious (unlike some other mutual friends of ours who acted out in full malice in recent times). I took it too far and allowed myself to make it into too big of a deal - which is something we all do sometimes - and I made a decision not to take it any further than this. I still don't think it was pure jealousy on my part because I have never in my life been jealous, especially not in retrospect, but I'm willing to admit to irrational behaviour, 100%. I am at the same time still upset about the way Bob talks about women, too. I think I've also transferred some of the anger I felt towards other abovementioned friends onto him, and that's not too fair either, so I figured I should just chill out for a bit. I've also decided to see if at any point in the future I'll have an opportunity to talk to him about it in a way that won't hurt him or make him feel threatened. It can be in two years or ten years, or never for that matter. But I acknowledge that I really need to take the higher ground here and let bygones be bygones, while also not trying to fix people unless they explicitly ask for my help.

 

In conclusion, you have no idea how big of a gem she truly is. What's underneath is a long history of toxic relationships in which I felt unloved and unappreciated with the added occasion of what most likely counts as psychological torture, while she's been an absolute miracle. So after realising I was hurting her in the process, aside from being ashamed for letting it get to me like this - which I think simply triggered some irrational fear of losing her, not a bad thing per se because it reminded me of the importance of not taking her for granted on daily basis - it dawned on me that it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, which is that we're together and that hey, here's a person I love who loves me back and actually makes me a better person in the process... So in the end, who cares?

Edited December 10, 2019 by agawam25

[usa1ah]

The time to say anything is gone. Like you said in one of your post, you should have stopped him when it happened. 
 

Do you or your girlfriend really want a friend that could talk about females like he did?

Is your girlfriend ok with what he said?

 

If so, this could really cause problems down the road between the two of you. Casual sex is one thing. Degrading the people you have been with is something completely different. 

[agawam25]

9 hours ago, usa1ah said:

The time to say anything is gone. Like you said in one of your post, you should have stopped him when it happened. 
 

Do you or your girlfriend really want a friend that could talk about females like he did?

Is your girlfriend ok with what he said?

 

If so, this could really cause problems down the road between the two of you. Casual sex is one thing. Degrading the people you have been with is something completely different. 

 

Good questions. The problem with Bob is that he's otherwise smart, kind and a really good friend. It's not like he's an a**h*** all the time... Which makes it worse in my opinion. As if he somehow has a fatal flaw in his system; you can see how it's going to play out for him unless he changes and that's more sad than anything, really. I think he has a lot to give and the potential to be happy. But this scattergun approach will impede on his ability to have a stable, loving relationship and that's just sad.

 

She's not okay with it of course. She was trying to justify his behaviour because it's obvious that their friendship matters to her, but I think one of the reasons why she ended up frustrated with him and the situation the other day was because his behaviour is indefensible. She also offered to talk to him and say something herself but that would be unnecessary and pointless; besides, I was there with him and said nothing. So to involve her would be also to delegate responsibility, and I don't like that idea. I had a brief thought that the two of us could talk to him in person at some point - to also show that couples discuss things openly and solve problems together, right? - but that would then make him feel vulnerable and might do more harm than good.

 

Like I said above, after moving on, the only remaining issue I have with him is what you said: his need to degrade women. I told my gf how I feel about this - it's really not okay to abuse someone else's trust and intimacy for the purpose of bragging, etc. If there's one thing that makes my blood boil, it's when guys do this kind of thing where they seem oblivious to the fact that we're talking about human beings. No matter what their motivations were to be with him, he has to know better than to do that. I for one know the situation where a woman just needs someone to hold her at night or nights out where you just don't want to go home to an empty bed where sex was secondary, if not completely unimportant - I could never betray the trust of that person. When these things come out, what must have brought a lot of comfort and reassurance in life at the time, maybe even had a healing effect, can quickly turn into further distrust in men, and that's just damaging behaviour.

 

Bob is not in our lives on daily basis, though - we don't live in the same city, for starters. But I think in addition to the thing I wrote above how I'd really like to use an opportunity down the road to have a really honest conversation about this, I think that if by some chance he decides to continue talking about his escapades in front of me, I'm just going to tell him to shut up about it in my presence.

Edited December 11, 2019 by agawam25

[ThorntonMelon]

Im going to answer this from a more pragmatic sense.

 

What right do you have really to judge how Bob acts? You can obviously stop being friends with him, no problem there, but in what world should you be passing judgement on someone else?

 

Just stop dealing with him if you don't find his values in line with you. End of story. 

[assertives]

On 12/11/2019 at 4:59 PM, agawam25 said:

I think he has a lot to give and the potential to be happy. But this scattergun approach will impede on his ability to have a stable, loving relationship and that's just sad.

 

She also offered to talk to him and say something herself but that would be unnecessary and pointless; besides, I was there with him and said nothing. So to involve her would be also to delegate responsibility, and I don't like that idea. I had a brief thought that the two of us could talk to him in person at some point - to also show that couples discuss things openly and solve problems together, right? 

 

 

Seriously..? What are you? Bob's priest or his parent? Why is it your's or anyone's "responsibility" to talk to him about his views on his NSA sex partners? Also, it's presumptuous of you to think that what he is looking for/wants is a stable and loving relationship. Not everyone wants a relationship. That may be your ideal, but it may not be for Bob or other people in general. Some just wants casual NSA sex and really don't see/feel anything more about them than just people he once slept with. You are right that talking to him about it would be pointless, because like you said, this isn't about him being intentionally an a**h*** or malicious. It's just his personal "beliefs and values system". 

 

As for that "couples discuss things openly and solve problems together" statement. Problems? what problems? This is entirely your own problem and maybe by extension of that, a tiny bit your gf's problem too. But this isn't Bob's problem and quite frankly isn't really gf's either. This is your own issue and something you need to work out on your own. You are manufacturing a problem and involving different people making it seem like it's a collective problem that everyone needs to work on together. No, it isn't.

 

Don't involve other people into your own issues. As far as you and your gf is concerned, Bob have been respectful by your own admission in that he did not bring up his sexual history with your gf nor did he make any degrading comments about her. Contrary to that, you know from your gf that he actually treated her with respect and went out of his way to help her in her time of need as a good friend. Bob is your gf's good friend who have gone out on a limb to help her in practical ways in time of need. He is a trusted and treasured friend to your gf.

 

If both their beliefs and values system surrounding NSA sex with acquaintances and friends do not gel with yours, you can distance yourself from their friendship, nor be friends with Bob instead of trying to "mould" Bob or even your gf into your set of ideals.

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by assertives

[agawam25]

On 12/14/2019 at 6:48 AM, assertives said:

 

Seriously..? What are you? Bob's priest or his parent? Why is it your's or anyone's "responsibility" to talk to him about his views on his NSA sex partners? Also, it's presumptuous of you to think that what he is looking for/wants is a stable and loving relationship. Not everyone wants a relationship. That may be your ideal, but it may not be for Bob or other people in general. Some just wants casual NSA sex and really don't see/feel anything more about them than just people he once slept with. You are right that talking to him about it would be pointless, because like you said, this isn't about him being intentionally an a**h*** or malicious. It's just his personal "beliefs and values system". 

 

As for that "couples discuss things openly and solve problems together" statement. Problems? what problems? This is entirely your own problem and maybe by extension of that, a tiny bit your gf's problem too. But this isn't Bob's problem and quite frankly isn't really gf's either. This is your own issue and something you need to work out on your own. You are manufacturing a problem and involving different people making it seem like it's a collective problem that everyone needs to work on together. No, it isn't.

 

Don't involve other people into your own issues. As far as you and your gf is concerned, Bob have been respectful by your own admission in that he did not bring up his sexual history with your gf nor did he make any degrading comments about her. Contrary to that, you know from your gf that he actually treated her with respect and went out of his way to help her in her time of need as a good friend. Bob is your gf's good friend who have gone out on a limb to help her in practical ways in time of need. He is a trusted and treasured friend to your gf.

 

If both their beliefs and values system surrounding NSA sex with acquaintances and friends do not gel with yours, you can distance yourself from their friendship, nor be friends with Bob instead of trying to "mould" Bob or even your gf into your set of ideals.

 

 

 

I'm going to try and address this in a way that gives you more context, in hopes that you'll understand that this is not empty moralising or involving myself in someone else's business: every time I saw Bob in the past, we actually discussed his desire to "come good" and stop sleeping around with women. He is the one who brought up the subject of not knowing how to act in a serious relationship. He's currently in a relationship with a woman about his age (Bob is a couple of years older than me); the two live together, and he confided in me that he still sometimes struggles with the thought of going out and having sex with a random (or not so random) woman. He also told me a story about a girl from his office who he had something of a relationship with, and seemed genuinely dumbstruck by the fact that she cut off all contact after he acted nonchalant while she was convinced that they had a somewhat serious relationship. I am not judging him for this - if anything, I appreciate his trust in telling me. I also know that we all struggle with different aspects of relationships to a degree, so as far as these matters go, I really didn't feel scandalised nor did I hold any of this against him. I didn't mention it earlier in my post precisely because that didn't affect my reaction to his other bs in the slightest.

 

Like I said, I know that he seems genuine in his inability to have a serious monogamous relationship because he told me so in his own words.

 

As for my side of things, I spoke to a couple of close friends because I sincerely wondered if I had overreacted. I chose two people I trust would tell me if I were ever full of s***. Both believe my reaction was appropriate; both also agree that I missed the opportunity to tell Bob to shut up when I had the chance, and that anything said now would not be a good idea. I dropped the issue completely anyway, and chose to focus on my relationship instead. I've noticed slight tinges of paranoia in the meantime, but I think those are just reverberations of some deeply ingrained insecurities stemming from earlier experiences. It's really not fun finding out your partner of many years had cheated on you with a guy in his car one night when you were in a different city - from a bank statement... But that's a different story anyway. What also most likely got to me was that I could have ended up like Bob. I had a phase post-said LTR where I slept around and I remember the day when I told myself I had enough of that because I saw it wasn't leading to anything constructive. I felt empty inside and unloved. I'm now thinking Bob's stories reminded me that if I had chosen a different path several years ago, I probably would have still been chasing the next big thrill, and all of these amazing experiences with my gf and the life that we share would not have happened. That idea utterly terrifies me.

 

Hope this clears up some of the issues mentioned above.

Edited December 16, 2019 by agawam25
Edited for clarity.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's really not your place to tell Bob how sad or wrong his life is, OP. So he wants to sleep around and think he's the man and bang lots of chicks. So he can't figure out women enough to maintain a relationship. That's not your problem. 

 

I think the problem is that you know your girlfriend was one of them. She apparently has never had a problem with it, though, since she has chosen to stay friends with him.  You say Bob made a fool of you and your girlfriend in front of mutual friends, but I don't see how. You have no clue what he may or may not have said to others about her. Keep in mind, she also elected not to share her sexual history with Bob until very recently either. 

 

My guess is that you are uncomfortable with Bob, yes, but also unhappy your girlfriend had never told you she's had sex with Bob. You think she's the cat's meow, naturally, so it's easier to be mad at Bob and judge him rather than concede you're not pleased to have only learned about this now. 

[agawam25]

53 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's really not your place to tell Bob how sad or wrong his life is, OP. So he wants to sleep around and think he's the man and bang lots of chicks. So he can't figure out women enough to maintain a relationship. That's not your problem. 

 

I think the problem is that you know your girlfriend was one of them. She apparently has never had a problem with it, though, since she has chosen to stay friends with him.  You say Bob made a fool of you and your girlfriend in front of mutual friends, but I don't see how. You have no clue what he may or may not have said to others about her. Keep in mind, she also elected not to share her sexual history with Bob until very recently either. 

 

My guess is that you are uncomfortable with Bob, yes, but also unhappy your girlfriend had never told you she's had sex with Bob. You think she's the cat's meow, naturally, so it's easier to be mad at Bob and judge him rather than concede you're not pleased to have only learned about this now. 

This is why I disagree: a) I chose to do the same - introduce her to a friend without telling her I had slept with said friend (once, and it was neither important nor memorable, nor did it ever warrant going back to and ruminating about over the many years that we have been friends), b) she, like myself, did have a fair argument in not telling me of wanting me to see Bob for who he was instead of having that somehow influence our possible friendship.

 

Frankly, I couldn't give a rat's butt that the two of them had slept together years ago at this point - and if you think that's why I'm upset, you're missing the point. It wasn't the most comfortable notion, but we're all adults here... Water under the bridge.

 

I do think Bob has a big mouth, while you need to understand that some people might see his way of talking about women as very disrespectful. I will not apologise for being bothered by men treating women like conquests or shiny trinkets you collect. Rise above. Treat people well. Be kind. It's really a lot easier and better in the long term than coming off as a selfish, self-centered little s*** instead.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, agawam25 said:

.Be kind. It's really a lot easier and better in the long term than coming off as a selfish, self-centered little s*** instead.

If that's how you feel about him, I can't see why either you or your girlfriend would bother maintaining any sort of friendship with him. 

 

You're very triggered by him. 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

hm....

 

the more I read about what you say... 

 

the more I think you need to seek counseling to find out the source of this angst.

 

What happened with your gf and him is in the past, so kinda moot point. 

 

unless something about him reminds you of you or perhaps is reflecting a part of you that you find distasteful so you feel the need to change/fix/correct him, but honestly, it isn't your place to change/fix/correct him. That's his job.

 

you're just a friend, if that.

 

So accept who he is, let it go, don't associate with him, or seek out why it bothers you so much that you feel the need to change him, which again... isn't your job/duty/business.

 

And I agree that his life is a mess in terms of relationships, but know your boundaries.

 

 

[agawam25]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If that's how you feel about him, I can't see why either you or your girlfriend would bother maintaining any sort of friendship with him. 

 

You're very triggered by him. 

 

 

Because one part of me feels angry, while the other feels sympathy.

 

Like I said in the title of the post, this is making me feel unbalanced. Less now that I've had time to process it, but still. I'll admit to it, he angers me, albeit only minimally, yes.

 

2BeGoodAgain said it - and I said it earlier - I think he reminds me of where I could have been had I not straightened myself out at some point. Maybe I'd be a bit more careful with my words, but I think our actions would have been the same.

 

Maybe it's about the fact that somewhere in my mind, he had a chance with my gf and squandered it quite easily. I already wrote about how much existential fear the idea of doing the same in a parallel timeline this idea gives me.

 

It also came at a bad time to be honest. She just got a new job, I changed professions. All this on top of a) quite clearly deciding she's the one, b) moving cities to live with her within the past year. Lots of things are new, from our routines etc.

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, agawam25 said:

Maybe it's about the fact that somewhere in my mind, he had a chance with my gf and squandered it quite easily.

Did he really, though? Your girlfriend might just as easily have turned him down if he'd tried to pursue something more. And in any case, I somehow don't think you'd feel better if he hadn't squandered the opportunity and tried to date her. 

 

You also mentioned this earlier up-thread: "I've noticed slight tinges of paranoia in the meantime, but I think those are just reverberations of some deeply ingrained insecurities stemming from earlier experiences. It's really not fun finding out your partner of many years had cheated on you with a guy in his car one night when you were in a different city - from a bank statement... But that's a different story anyway."

 

Given that there is no indication of infidelity here, where do you think this connection between the current situation and insecurity from previous betrayal is coming from?

[fromheart]

So she finds it funny, that you her bf and her friends with benefits share a room.

I'd dump her for a laugh personally.

[agawam25]

7 hours ago, fromheart said:

So she finds it funny, that you her bf and her friends with benefits share a room.

I'd dump her for a laugh personally.

 

That's a bit reductive now, is it?

 

He's not her friend with benefits. This happened years ago when we didn't even know each other. They've been friends since. Again, I slept with a friend once years ago. She was the first person I called to tell her about my gf when we met - and she has been amazingly supportive, met my gf and absolutely adores her. Of course we can joke about these things, even if I knew about them at that point it still would have been funny to me as well. Your ego is easily bruised by nonsense from the past. I was upset about the way Bob chose to talk about women, because that implies he might not be respectful towards my gf around other people, in addition to being generally stupid and superficial. Maybe also because I'd rather know these things as it allows me to make an informed call in life - I would have chosen to be friends with him regardless, anyway. Possibly a bit hurt that my gf thought I couldn't handle it - although I'm sure she knows I can, and again, I choose to trust her and what she said, that it was meaningless and she didn't want it to affect my friendship with Bob (just like I didn't tell her I had slept with my friend when I introduced them at the time). None of this is because they slept together. I can't repeat that enough times.

[schlumpy]

36 minutes ago, agawam25 said:

 

 None of this is because they slept together. I can't repeat that enough times.

 

If you say so, but then why are your posting in a forum with the heading - "cheating, flirting and jealousy" if you are such a cosmopolitan man?

[elaine567]

On 12/16/2019 at 8:48 AM, agawam25 said:

It's really not fun finding out your partner of many years had cheated on you with a guy in his car one night when you were in a different city - from a bank statement... But that's a different story anyway

 

On 12/16/2019 at 1:58 PM, agawam25 said:

(Bob is)...coming off as a selfish, self-centered little s***...

My guess.
Bob is the "selfish, self centred little sh^t" that slept with your ex, and caused you so much heart ache... come back to haunt you.
He is not that guy, but you recognise that he could have been 
Bob however did sleep with your gf, and that is uncomfortable for you, no matter how much you try to deny  it. 
Both she and your ex gave themselves away to a worthless "sh^t"... 
You have now shared a room with that "cad" who is in your mind bragging about his conquest of your gf and your ex, even although the brags were not specific and he had literally nothing to do with your ex.
He has triggered emotions in you.
You want to "cure" him as he, the way that he is, is a threat to women, and more specifically to your woman.
Your liberal easy going gf could be in danger of sleeping with him again and whilst you try to rationalise that idea away, your gut is not happy.

My guess Bob, faced with the guy who is "cosy in a relationship", the successful guy, decided to try to not look the "loser" by bragging about his conquests.
He seeks help with his "problem" , but I guess is it just an excuse to bring up how successful he is at catching women...
He tried to "top" you and due to your insecurities he succeeded, and that doesn't feel good to you.