fromheart Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 2 hours ago, agawam25 said: That's a bit reductive now, is it? Dude, your sharing a room with an ex's FWB and getting upset when he talks about his conquests with women. Your gf laughs at you and him sharing a room, because she's slept with both of you. You then feel understandably unbalanced by the situation. Anyone would. Great to be at the opposite end of jealousy, but you've gone too far with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 Bob is a great guy, but a misogynist in his free time. Even if he is a helpful person, he is a disgusting pig to women and I feel this is what is most shocking to you, not the fact he had sex with your GF years ago . IMO I would have felt sorry for your GF for being involved with such a person. It's probable she doesn't know the extent of his view of women in general. TBH you don't have to be friends with him anymore and by all means tell your GF why. Telling her that you respect women, is not emasculating, or shows weakness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author agawam25 Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 7 hours ago, schlumpy said: If you say so, but then why are your posting in a forum with the heading - "cheating, flirting and jealousy" if you are such a cosmopolitan man? Okay, so I missed the appropriate subforum under which to post this. Fair enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agawam25 Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: Bob is a great guy, but a misogynist in his free time. Even if he is a helpful person, he is a disgusting pig to women and I feel this is what is most shocking to you, not the fact he had sex with your GF years ago . IMO I would have felt sorry for your GF for being involved with such a person. It's probable she doesn't know the extent of his view of women in general. TBH you don't have to be friends with him anymore and by all means tell your GF why. Telling her that you respect women, is not emasculating, or shows weakness. She knows - maybe not to the extent I know (I think he's a lot more careful with words around women) - but she was aware that he sleeps around a lot. In one of the two conversations we had about Bob, she said that most if not all men she's been with are more or less like that, though, so she didn't think much of it before. She got upset with him in recent days over an unrelated issue, though, but judging by some other conversations we had over the past days, I think she a) appreciates that I'm not an a-hole about women, b) became aware of how toxic this kind of masculinity can be, so she's taken some distance on that account as well. I honestly think that it never crossed her mind that Bob could have been talking about her to his buddies in the same way... But she never brought up that particular subject, and I don't have any intentions of hammering that in, or affecting her opinion of Bob. I only expressed my reservations towards Bob, and my feelings about what happened then and there when he told me all of those stories. I certainly made sure it's clear that I have absolutely no right to speak of what had happened between them, nor to hold anything against either of the two on that account. That is perfectly clear at this point, I hope. No, there's nothing emasculating when it comes to respecting women, and I've honestly always tried to maintain objectivity and decency, even when it comes to women that might have hurt me in life. If anything, those situations led me to be who I am, and I'm very happy with the way I turned out to be. (For example, the ex I mentioned? I still think she's one of the smartest people I've met who would have a lot to give if she ever decides to work on some of her issues that prevent her from doing that. With the right person, she could be happy - and I would be happy to know that she is.) All of this being said, I'm really not trying to come off as the most moral or ethical guy on the block... I don't feel the urge to come off being better than Bob or anyone else in my gf's eyes. I stand by what I said, which is that I'm done with this in terms of talking to him, and that it's best to just move on and not mention it. As for their spat, I told her to preserve their friendship if at all possible (he was lecturing her about her new job and kind of crossed the line and she asked me for my opinion so I didn't speak uninvited), and that as far as I'm concerned, if she believes in the value of their friendship, I'm all for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agawam25 Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 5 hours ago, fromheart said: Dude, your sharing a room with an ex's FWB and getting upset when he talks about his conquests with women. Your gf laughs at you and him sharing a room, because she's slept with both of you. You then feel understandably unbalanced by the situation. Anyone would. Great to be at the opposite end of jealousy, but you've gone too far with it. She joked about it on account of two men sharing a room not being gay. Let's not blow it out of proportion... Knowing my gf, she totally didn't mean it the way you're stating it. And even if she did, if you ask me, women are allowed to give themselves pats on the back about this kinds of silly stuff. Given how we men generally tend to treat them as sluts for having more than one or two sexual experiences, all the power to her, I say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agawam25 Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 7 hours ago, elaine567 said: My guess. Bob is the "selfish, self centred little sh^t" that slept with your ex, and caused you so much heart ache... come back to haunt you. He is not that guy, but you recognise that he could have been Bob however did sleep with your gf, and that is uncomfortable for you, no matter how much you try to deny it. Both she and your ex gave themselves away to a worthless "sh^t"... You have now shared a room with that "cad" who is in your mind bragging about his conquest of your gf and your ex, even although the brags were not specific and he had literally nothing to do with your ex. He has triggered emotions in you. You want to "cure" him as he, the way that he is, is a threat to women, and more specifically to your woman. Your liberal easy going gf could be in danger of sleeping with him again and whilst you try to rationalise that idea away, your gut is not happy. My guess Bob, faced with the guy who is "cosy in a relationship", the successful guy, decided to try to not look the "loser" by bragging about his conquests. He seeks help with his "problem" , but I guess is it just an excuse to bring up how successful he is at catching women... He tried to "top" you and due to your insecurities he succeeded, and that doesn't feel good to you. My experience with my ex didn't come to mind at all during my conversations with Bob. Tbh she did it to hurt me anyway. And I never blamed the guy. I have no idea if she ever told him the entire truth about the fact that there was someone in her life. So, although I like your theory, I'm going to go with no on this one, as in my mind it was never the guy. If I know my gf well enough, and I think I do: my liberal easy going gf would not sleep with him again. Just like I wouldn't sleep with my friend again. She would be literally the last person I'd sleep with even if I was somehow single and dunno, lonely or whathaveyou, and for no particular reason other than the fact that our friendship means more to me than any (in this case, also bad) sex ever would... Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 Well there you have it. Their relationship has no connection to them sleeping together long ago. It just turns out they have some kind of friendship. BUT I may add, as time goes on, it's very possible she will out grow this, and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author agawam25 Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 7 hours ago, elaine567 said: My guess Bob, faced with the guy who is "cosy in a relationship", the successful guy, decided to try to not look the "loser" by bragging about his conquests. He seeks help with his "problem" , but I guess is it just an excuse to bring up how successful he is at catching women... He tried to "top" you and due to your insecurities he succeeded, and that doesn't feel good to you. Now this part I haven't considered before. There you might be right - not to mention that I tried to steer the conversation away from his bs (and get him to talk about his current gf) by saying how much I love and care for my gf and how much I missed her. He didn't say a single word in response. Peculiar, now that you reminded me of it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 1 minute ago, agawam25 said: Just like I wouldn't sleep with my friend again. She would be literally the last person I'd sleep with even if I was somehow single and dunno, lonely or whathaveyou, and for no particular reason other than the fact that our friendship means more to me than any (in this case, also bad) sex ever would... Yes I get that, I believe you, but you are not her, your friend is not her friend. 5 minutes ago, agawam25 said: Now this part I haven't considered before. There you might be right - not to mention that I tried to steer the conversation away from his bs (and get him to talk about his current gf) by saying how much I love and care for my gf and how much I missed her. He didn't say a single word in response. Peculiar, now that you reminded me of it. Why is this guy hanging about with your gf? Why has he been so helpful to her? I get women being platonic friends with guys all day and all night, but guys? Not so much. Could it be possible he still holds a candle for her? It may explain why he said nothing when you told him how much you care for her. Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 5 hours ago, agawam25 said: She joked about it on account of two men sharing a room not being gay. Let's not blow it out of proportion... Knowing my gf, she totally didn't mean it the way you're stating it. And even if she did, if you ask me, women are allowed to give themselves pats on the back about this kinds of silly stuff. Given how we men generally tend to treat them as sluts for having more than one or two sexual experiences, all the power to her, I say. Ok, my mistake. But you don't sound happy sharing a room with one of your ex's old FWB's. Its not about her having a history, its about this. If you're not happy with it, don't do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author agawam25 Posted December 19, 2019 Author Share Posted December 19, 2019 22 hours ago, elaine567 said: Why is this guy hanging about with your gf? Why has he been so helpful to her? I get women being platonic friends with guys all day and all night, but guys? Not so much. Could it be possible he still holds a candle for her? It may explain why he said nothing when you told him how much you care for her. I don't know what's up with him to be honest. I never sensed any interest from him in retrospect. When we met, he seems very happy for both. I remember him telling me how he's happy that she's found me and that I should take care of her, etc. Now that I think about it, it was a bit dramatic, but that might just be his character in general. Other than that, he does have a tendency to think of all of these past affairs as somehow on standby, as if all of these women can't wait for his call for another chance to have sex with him. I mean, good to see someone that confident, but that's a bit ridiculous imo. I know that bothered me in particular as he was talking about a girl he could stop by and see on his way home (long story short, someone he met twice and slept with once about two years ago). She's not your property, bud. She might have a life of her own, and not acknowledging that is just plain dumb and somewhat offensive... Knowing my gf, however, I am certain she gave him absolutely no reason to think they might hook up in the future ever again. Right before we met, they were also together in another city (both on separate business but met and had dinner), and I know for a fact that nothing happened between them at that point. She's been a friend since, and I'm sure he took the hint a long time ago. He could be having second thoughts given his nature, but I never saw him give any hints to that effect. Maybe that's also his way of showing loyalty: she's with me, the two of us are friends, so she's off limits, and then there's their friendship on top of all that. Last time all three of us were having drinks, he was indeed talking about his girlfriend and promising he'll introduce us sometime soon (everyone including him seems to be forgetting about her), so that's that. I don't think he really wanted to step on my toes, except maybe subconsciously so. I feel like he didn't think his words through, while also not knowing that when it comes to treating women like s***, I might actually get upset. Bro-ey conversation turning sour, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 Well with the "Me Too" movement it has also sparked men to speak out against this "bro talk" demeaning women. I understand not all men are into that, and find it repulsive, but with peer pressure couldn't say anything without being called a nancy, until now. Unfortunately none of this seems to affect knuckle draggers like him. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 7 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I understand not all men are into that, and find it repulsive, but with peer pressure couldn't say anything without being called a nancy, until now. A Nancy? That remined me of Australia's Sheila. I like it. I'm searching my sleepy brain for an American term but I haven't finished my second cup of coffee yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 I have been up since 4:30am. Just can't sleep these days. Link to post Share on other sites
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