Relationship is making me lose sense of judgement- need impartial advice

[Poppy93]

On 12/17/2019 at 11:13 PM, basil67 said:

can see that you're unhappy with what's going on, but I suspect the language you're using to try and address the problems is missing the mark.   I'm guessing that you've either been seeing a therapist or reading self help books and this is where you've picked up the language you're using, but he doesn't know what you need because you're not putting it in simple terms.  I would also suggest that in terms of being vulnerable, you're wanting him to act like one of your girlfriends instead of a guy.

 

To break it down further, I'm going to look at issues one by one:

 

>> he won’t offer affection, be vulnerable with his feelings or initiate any difficult conversations. I have nicely told him that these things would make me feel more emotionally connected to him many times.<< 

 

With affection, be specific with what you want.  Now we know he wants sex, so he will say that he is offering affection.  But spell out what you need.  Cuddles on the sofa, a hug when he walks by.  What is it that you want?    Regarding being vulnerable with feelings....generally speaking, men sort out their own feelings without sharing them.  I know we workshop all our issues with girlfriends, but guys don't do that.    Initiating difficult conversations:  He has told you that he's not OK with you being physically withdrawn, so he IS initiating difficult conversations.

 

>>weekend I proposed the idea to go to the Christmas markets as a bonding activity ......he agreed to come and told me to take my time shopping and ‘it’s never enough’. To me, it wasn’t about shopping, it was about bonding with him which I tried to explain<<   

 

Oh Poppy, again, 'bonding' is therapy speak.   Try to switch out the word 'bonding' for 'fun' or 'have a good time together'.  When you do make a suggestion, don't suggest Christmas shopping.   OK, so there are a few gifters around who really enjoy this, but for most of us, Christmas shopping and markets are a slow form of torture.  I'm not surprised that he wasn't engage.  If it's winter where you are, perhaps he'd jump at the chance of going to the pub to sit by the fire with a few impromptu drinks.  Or finding time to ski or skate.  Or rug up for a picnic with gourmet food. 

 

>>When I opened the boot to get the shopping out, his dog pushed to get out despite me pushing him back and I dropped a carton of eggs. I was frustrated that I’d have to clean it up and go back out and get some now. My boyfriend responded by saying ‘don’t worry about it, it’s not the end of the world!’ and ‘are you going to clean that up?’ which amplified my frustration <<   .......The real issue was that my feelings were invalidated by him. He later went on to say that I ‘blew the whole thing out of proportion’ and ‘over-reacted’. I tried to explain to him that those comments minimalized what I was feeling. Despite the amount of times I tried to explain to him, he argues from a completely logical point of view, and cannot understand why I’m acting like this over some eggs<<   

 

Of all the therapy speak, 'validating my feelings'  or 'minimilalized what I was feeling' are probably the most cringe worthy.    So before we look at other ways to approach this, first tell us what he was doing while you were cleaning the eggs.   If he was on his phone, then you've got a problem.  If he was unpacking the shopping, then he's probably got a point.  

This is not the first time where we have had a conversation where I have raised an issue, he has got immediately defensive and angry until I can’t get a word in and I have become exhausted trying to explain myself. I have explained with examples about what he could do to make me feel closer to him (e.g. not walk ahead of me in the street, not duck out of the way ‘as a joke’ when I try to kiss him, hold my hand, offer affection such as a hug or a kiss instead of grabbing my breasts). The use of  therapy terms has come from around a year of figuring out what the hell I’m doing wrong from our conversations to be so circular. These terms were literal definitions which couldn’t be played with, so I felt it was easier to communicate with them without getting off track recently. I have said it in every way and have learned I’m not getting through.

 

He didn’t initiate though. I always come to him when we’re having problems ( this can sometimes be after days of not talking) and then he may reveal something but he will never come to me to work things out, which further exacerbated my belief that he doesn’t care.

 

The Christmas markets was something for me, after I had an issue that we always did what he wanted to do. These things weren’t what I would consider fun but I did then with a good attitude. He wouldn’t even come with me to the cinema to watch a film he didn’t want to watch so I went on my own. So he said yes, but didn’t  put in any effort. He doesn’t ‘jump at anything’. He believes I should come up with any plans as he’s too busy working and then either turns down all my ideas, without offering an alternative, or half-heartedly says yes and then puts in no effort.

 

Thanks for the reply

[PinkFlamingo]

He totally sounds like this guy I know (we had some dates, no relationship) and I have also wracked my brain to get through to him. I've offered talks to find out compromises, I made suggestions, I excessively analyzed my own behavior and his, in the end, I feel exhausted and this thing we have is starting to bore me. I am at the point where I want to invest my energy in something more valuable and productive than trying to understand a guy who tells me that I should make an effort if I want to have a relationship or "first sex, then relationship," but does quite little himself to increase intimacy in a non-sexual way between us.

[basil67]

If the therapy speak is a last ditch effort after regular speak didn't work, then I'm inclined to suggest you're simply a poor match.    Why are you still with him?   Serious question.

[bachdude]

OP, you have some legitimate concerns and complaints but you are also completely unrealistic in many ways.

 

To be totally honest with you, if I felt pressure from a woman I was  dating to be "vulnerable with my feelings" when I didn't even need to get anything off my chest (in other words, something unnatural or forced) or pressured to initiate difficult conversations, presumably about your relationship, in order to "create a connection", I'd probably resent it. It kind of makes my head hurt just thinking about it.

 

People should be free to share feelings *they* choose to share and start the types of  conversations *they* want to start. 
 

If you don't like his lack of openness or communication, then by all means you can choose to continue or not in the relationship.
 

But stop pressuring him to communicate in a way that doesn't suit him.  Give the guy some air.