Ex get engaged after 2 months

[alterest]

Hi, guys.

Me and my ex broke up about three months ago and something about one or two weeks later she had a new bf... and I doscovered it after two months. During those 2 months she keep telling me how she miss me and how we have such strong bound and that we match perfectly each other. Three weeks ago I suggest to reconcile and she told me she was dating a new guy since one week after out BU and refused to get back together. Two weeks ago I ask my college book back and she told me that she is now engaged (2 months after BU), told me about how needy and possessive is her new bf, and how I am more mature, independent, confident... And she told me that she knows things going too fast with him and that she have concerns about all of this and about him, but she wants to make things works... Aaaaand, I know that's wrong (and the major victim wasn't there), we kissed.

I talk to her about it and she make sure that she is going to make things work with this guy and told me that she thinks about us from time to time.

I don't know why someone does something like that with another person (me and the other guy) or why she keeps telling me about us even if she is with another guy. Can someone show me some guidance here?

I sent a message to her asking for space and she didn't answer and I am in NC right now.

[d0nnivain]

She's a head case who can't handle being alone.  She's rather have whatever she's getting from this unsuitable new guy -- engaged after 2 months, puhlease -- then be alone.  

 

She's telling you to make you jealous.  She wants you to beg for her back.  Don't do it.  

 

She needs to grow up & get her head on straight, to learn how to stand on her own two feet before she can be a good partner for you.  Continue the NC permanently, assuming you got your book back.  Your life will be better without her in it .

[TheFinalWord]

If she had a new BF that fast, she was talking to him while you two were together. You both have qualities she likes and qualities she does not like, but she is unsure which of you two she wants. You have to ask yourself, where do your wants and needs fit into this equation?

 

Why are you tolerating this? I wouldn't take someone back like this. It's your life, so do what you want. But there is no way I would deal with this woman anymore. You're broken up and she got with a guy she's clearly been talking to while you were together. She wants to put you on the back burner while she makes up her mind. She assumes she can get you back at any time. Don't believe her words, look at her actions. If she really thought you were so much more mature, etc. she would be with you, not him.

[schlumpy]

Did you ever see her new boyfriend?

 

[preraph]

She sounds like a mess.  She could be lying to make you jealous, or she could have been cheating on you for some time so she's known him a longer time, OR she could be very foolish and latching on to anyone around because she's needy or needs someone to finance her.  Who knows.  I'd bow out since she sounds like a mess.  

[elaine567]

When someone shows you they do not rate you by almost immediately dating someone else as soon as you broke up, then take the hint.
She rejected you, where do you honestly think is going? 
You have  a woman who is so unstable emotionally, she climbed out of your bed and into his.
Is that love?

You really want some woman who  thinks so little of you?
Wake up.
Kick her to the kerb and find a nice woman who adores you.

[snowboy91]

She's making her decisions, and you can make yours. Getting engaged after 2 months with that level of concern on her end may be a serious problem, but it's not your problem to deal with.

Stick to your decision to take your space, heal and move on. 

[alterest]

Hey, guys. Thank you all for support and hints for my case!!

 

@d0nnivain, I totally agree with you. I also think she does have lack of selfsteem and all of this are just reflection of all this mess... Engaging so early included. And I won't beg for her back. I am in pure pain, but I cannot accept what happened in those two weeks. It's pretty hard to pass through all of this, I won't denial.

 

@TheFinalWord I spent a couple of days thinking about it too. I think that she already knew that guy and things worked so fast for them cause that. But "why am I tolerating this?". Man, probably because I am a foul and because I love her... And, I know, those are not good reasons. The last thing that I think about all of this was exactly your last question... And I try so hard to avoid that kind of thought, but it's hard, and everyone here know that.

 

@schlumpy @preraph Yes, I did. I bumped them by accident when I went to a store near to my house and they were there. She was in shock when she saw me. By what I saw on her social media when I went to unfriend they are in a serious relationship since then. He is pretty older than she is, around 18 years, and she also complaint about that too.

 

@elaine567 All those things happenes in only two weeks: The discovery, the complaints, the kiss... Everything. It was pretty intense and drained all my energy, I must admit. Before that, I thought she was in the same page as I was: How we miss each other, talk about feeling, about good times, about changes in ourselves and in our relationship. What I didn't know is that she was in a relationship while talking with me about those things. She called to me and cried saying she miss me while in a relationship with another guy... Everytime I think about that I feel a hand squeeze my heart. It's horrible. But, as you said, I need someone who enjoy to be with me.

 

@snowboy91 Indeed. She made her decision and I think she will stick to it, don't know if it will last, but it will for me. She's someone else's problem indeed.

 

I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I think about all of this and how someone's who shared so much with me did something like that. Probably she is in a huge whirlwind of disgrace and pain, but nothing justify to do that to someone who used to be a beloved one. I feel sad for me and for her. It's hard to see someone you still love marry another person, and that's just intensifies when happened in so little time with a lot of disrespect.

The NC helps a lot, and the main reason is that now I fully live the grief of BU. Some friends said that she will probably try to reach me out even tho I said to her that I want my space. I took those warnings and, well, I made that part a little harder to her.

 

The worst part is that sometimes, even after all of this, I wish her back so hard that take my breath away.

[preraph]

Sounds like she's just latched onto someone for whatever reason. You should just make any rash emotional decisions. If you really think you want her back then you need to have a adult conversation with her. I think about that real hard first.

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, alterest said:

He is pretty older than she is, around 18 years

He will be pretty pleased he has managed to catch a woman 18 years his junior.
It explains the quick engagement. he wants to lock her down in case she wanders off or some other guy muscles in and sweeps her off her feet.
He wants to stake his claim, "This woman is my fiancée, stay away..."

 

[Berteau]

New guy is probably just a rebound, or she is using him to make you jealous.  No way the engagement or future marriage lasts though.

[alterest]

Thank you all, again!!

 

@preraph I don't know if she was. I think it's better to keep NC. If she change her mind and reach me out, I'll see what I do.

 

@elaine567 All of what you said was my first thoughts. Don't know if it's last, but I don't want to discover. For my own sanity, it's better to think she's gone for good, right now. That's my only certainty.

 

@Berteau If I had to guess, I'll probably try 'Rebound'. Could be both, tho. As long as I agree with this 'won't lasts', I'm trying so hard to belive that it will and move on.

 

So far, I'm dedicating my time with friends, work and hobbies, like books and learn something new. First days were the worst, but it becoming easier. I tried to use date apps, but I uninstalled to give more focus to my recovery. Don't know if this is the best thing to do right now, but I think I need to be alone for some time... At least until I have any trace of anxiety when I remember her. Do you guys forced yourselves to date others trying to improve selfsteem? Did it work?

[alterest]

Hey, guys. How are you?

A minor update about my situation:

After a short time being on NC she called me and tell me that she ended her engagement cause he emotional force her to post something on social media and she felt a lot of pressure with that (she also told me that both of them broke up up to five times before the engagement... in two months). So, she tell me how she missed me and the mistake that she made.

 

I broke NC and started to talk to her somedays (and was good, she told me about her days and plans) and I was prepared to ask her to go out, cause she was talking a lot, saying about her mistakes and so on and how she missed me (and I missing her as well). Suddenly, she became cold, giving short answers and eventually told me that she was with the same guy once again, saying that was not abusive and that she allowed what the guy did. She also told me that everythings was happening for a good reason, and that she be with him is good cause she rethink a lot of things about her life.

 

I told her that she was back to him cause she can't afford be alone, and she said that there's another guys that want to go out with her, and she dismissed them.

 

Now I'm miserable and feel pretty stupid after all of this. Feeling like she keeps me just as emotional support and that I am stupid enough to bait it.

[schlumpy]

36 minutes ago, alterest said:

Hey, guys. How are you?

 

Now I'm miserable and feel pretty stupid after all of this. Feeling like she keeps me just as emotional support and that I am stupid enough to bait it.

 

It seems I'm much better off then you are. Is there not another single girl in this world that you can date? Eat some popcorn and see a movie with? I'm having a hard time understanding what you find so fascinating and attractive about this one female? You express hurt feelings but you are seeking them out by contacting her.

 

Quit giving power over your life to her. She only wants to keep you dancing to the satisfaction of her ego. Please save yourself!

[stillafool]

Alterest you need to block her from contacting you this time.  She will continue to use you as emotional support while still having sex with this one and probably seeing other guys too.  You are the only one who can take yourself off this rollercoaster.  Now is the time for you to have the strength to let her go.  Start by blocking her from contacting you.  She will not be back.

[The Outlaw]

Believe me she isn't worth the effort no matter how you feel about her. She was probably talking to this guy when you were together. Don't respond to any more texts. Maintain NC or it will only get worse. 

[alterest]

@schlumpy You are indeed!! At this time, I have no one, mostly because I don't keep girls around for eventualities. I'm trying to do my best, like playing games and watch movies, to avoid those thoughts right now. But it's pretty hard again. I put in my mind to assumng and keeping NC, but after she reach me out, I don't know why, but I thinked that she might do her best to back together with me. A huge mistake. I have to save my self from all of this. I didn't know that she uses me as ego boost up, but I could figure out after everything that happened.

 

@stillafool I do have to do that. I can't afford more of this. It's like someone draining my happiness and energy. It's horrible. She is using me as emotinal support indeed. And everything that she can't get from the other guy, she seeking around.. And I am one of those emotional sources. It's hard to see that something is going wrong, especially when you receive a positive signal and suddenly become negative. I really thought that she was trying to reach me out at any cost, especially because she disrespected my wish of she doesn't contact me anymore, and she was trying to make things work. But she doesn't.

 

@The Outlaw I really think of that again. I had those thoughts a short time ago, but it comes to my mind again. It looks like she is lost and use everyone as support for everything that she wants. I feel sad about that and it brokes my heart to see her like that.

 

Get back to NC, cause is the best thing to do right now. But I need to remove her entirely from my life. I can't handle with that anymore...

Edited December 26, 2019 by alterest

[stillafool]

She isn't lost, she's having her cake, eating it to and then having her cake, and repeat.  Even if she did come back she would leave you again.  Block her today!

Edited December 26, 2019 by stillafool

[PinkFlamingo]

4 hours ago, alterest said:

Hey, guys. How are you?

A minor update about my situation:

After a short time being on NC she called me and tell me that she ended her engagement cause he emotional force her to post something on social media and she felt a lot of pressure with that (she also told me that both of them broke up up to five times before the engagement... in two months). So, she tell me how she missed me and the mistake that she made.

 

I broke NC and started to talk to her somedays (and was good, she told me about her days and plans) and I was prepared to ask her to go out, cause she was talking a lot, saying about her mistakes and so on and how she missed me (and I missing her as well). Suddenly, she became cold, giving short answers and eventually told me that she was with the same guy once again, saying that was not abusive and that she allowed what the guy did. She also told me that everythings was happening for a good reason, and that she be with him is good cause she rethink a lot of things about her life.

 

I told her that she was back to him cause she can't afford be alone, and she said that there's another guys that want to go out with her, and she dismissed them.

 

Now I'm miserable and feel pretty stupid after all of this. Feeling like she keeps me just as emotional support and that I am stupid enough to bait it.

 

Online diagnosis usually have to be taken with a salt of grain, but in that case it's easy - she is an idiot and you're totally wasting your time. Don't let people call you an idiot as well by running after her.

Edited December 26, 2019 by PinkFlamingo

[OatsAndHall]

Her behavior screams co-dependency. I suggest going back to NC and then ducking and covering,

[DKT3]

Yeah, she will do this for as long as you allow it.

 

My guess,  she had been cheating on you for a while.  Broke up with you for this guy and is now realizing he isnt what she thought he was. 

 

Just stop. Go through the pain and anger and move on with your life. The quicker you commit to that the faster you will be clear of her

[alterest]

@stillafool Well, that's more accurate than my words and entirely true. She want the cake, and every single time I gave it to her. She only repetead that pattern because I allowed it.

 

@PinkFlamingo I know. Every time I start to walk away from her she came and talk about her life and I allowed to be drained into this swirl. It looks like she know that I start to move on and run into me just to keep me as an emotional support. Even if it makes me sad. I confess that after everything I still wanted to give a shot and I almost called her to go out with me. But she told me about her re-engagement with the dude.

 

@OatsAndHall I do think that she is co-dependent as well. Especially for the hints she gave me about the current relationship and her past relationships. And it looks like she enjoy be in a troubled relationship. When she was with me she told me that sometimes was a little boring to be with me, because we didn't fight and everytime she went mad for something I gave her space and time to think about and after that we talk about her concerns. When she talked to me, after end her engagement, she told me how good was to be with me and how calm it was. It's pretty sad that she used me as support only. Should see that, but I didn't...

 

@DKT3 I know she will. We have this behavior to stay attached, perhaps. But it is terrible for me. I only got anxieties and sadness with all of that. I didn't discarded this possibility, but everything was so fast with them that I can't figure what happened (and I don't want to give more energy to realize something). That thing happened today, and I see no reason for that, especially when she realize that the guy is abusive with her.

 

I am again on step one of NC, with all of anxiety and pain that I experienced before. Can't see a light of hope right now and only feel bad for me, for rethinking about us and for my belif that she want something with me. It's pretty harsh to get my hopes up once again and destroyed once more.

[stillafool]

It sounds like she and the older guy do a lot of fighting and then making up.  Their relationship is passionate and she enjoys that type of drama.  It probably increases her sex drive.  He knows what pushes her buttons.  She probably contacted you to make him jealous and as you can see they are back together and engaged again.  Now are you going to get off this ferry wheel?

[PinkFlamingo]

BLOCK HER ALREADY. That woman is wacko. Or are you really the kind of person who is into dating crazy women? 

[alterest]

@stillafool For what she said, yes they do. The day she ended the engajament, she told me that they broke up around 5 times in those 2 months that they were together, And told me she was done him for good. But, well, she wasn't. Don't know if she used me to make him jealous, but I was used as emotional support for her. She felt safe, and back to him. And answer your last question, yes, I am going to get off.. At least I will try to. Deleting her and back to NC will help me, I guess.

 

@PinkFlamingo I did it right now. She is dragging me into a lot of health issues that I don't need to (anxiety, headaches, energy drain). I don't like to dating crazy women, and I didn't expected her to do that, even tho I could have seen it easily.

 

I think I blinded my self into a huge hope before her call. I misinterpreteded the hole situation, thinking she was doing this because she wants to get back. I am really sad about what happened and because I didn't expected it. She broke my heart once again, it's pretty bad.