Ex get engaged after 2 months

[thecrucible]

@alterest - You're doing much better than you think as you've recognised what she's doing. She seems to have poor boundaries and lack of emotional awareness but that isn't your problem. Don't feel bad about "No contact" - it's for you, not about spite. If you can't quite let go now, just stand your ground and at the very least don't get dragged into her relationship mess. If she starts talking about it, cut it off firmly but politely.

 

I have to say I've done the same with all breakups and it's the only way I can keep my mental health intact. Go easy on yourself and try looking forward. Hopefully you'll make more sense of the situation when you're out of the emotional quagmire. I know, I am going through the same thing. Keep strong. You can get through this.

[alterest]

@thecrucible Yeah, I guess so. The worst part of the situation everyone passing by here is recognise the issues (in oursleves, others and in a relationship). For my case, she made very clear her point and how she view me in her life, and I don't want to be in that position. She probably have a lot o issues, those you pointed out, also co-dependency, lack of selfsteam and so on. But I can't get those problems as my problems or even trying to be at her side, as long as she choose where I belong to. If I would confortable in that position, I could stay in that situation... But I am not. When I remember two weeks ago, when she broke up with the guy, I was at my corner trying to get better (and I've made a lot of progress) and she reach me out, disrespecting my wishes and my space, telling how she missed me, our conversations and so on... And then, just to smash my heart once again... It's pretty had to passing through this emotional rollercoaster when the rolloercoaster keeps following me.

No contact saved me every time I went into a break up, and it will save me once again and I belive in that. I don't want revenge or anything, I just want to be fine and happy. I need to stand at my ground, cause I don't think that all that drama is over. She will find a way to reach me and complain about something. She did it with an ex of her creating multiple fake email accounts and that happened for almost two years after split up. I just need to protect me and make the reach out the hardest as possible. I will be polite and incisive about wanting distance from her, cause I don't know how much I can handle yet. My hopes are that she will never seek me again, but I know she will.

 

I usually keep the girls after break up, cause I think we constructed more than just a romantic relationship, but after that one I don't think it's good trying to keep them. At the end of the day, I barely talk to those girls and the worst it could happened is to keep the pain for months and months. You are done right, thecruciable, the best thing we all can do is preserve our sanity.

[alterest]

Minor update: She contacted me to ask me to go out with her. I confronted her about her fiance and she said that it's her concern, but she wanted to go out with me. I was suspicious about it and when I show some tendency to go (i wanted to test the ground), she said that she changed her mind, I insist a little and she kept her position.

Breadcrumbs? Ego boost? Is she completly lost? Don't even know what to think about it.

[Ellener]

On 12/9/2019 at 7:08 PM, alterest said:

I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I think about all of this and how someone's who shared so much with me did something like that. Probably she is in a huge whirlwind of disgrace and pain, but nothing justify to do that to someone who used to be a beloved one. I feel sad for me and for her. It's hard to see someone you still love marry another person, and that's just intensifies when happened in so little time with a lot of disrespect.

Well look on the positive side, you could be him.

[alterest]

9 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Well look on the positive side, you could be him.

Totally agree with you.

She made clear that she never did it to me and now she wants to experience cheat someone, but she wants to know if I still feel something for her, cause if I do then it's better to do nothing to preserve my well beign.

This situation It's nothing but crazy.

[DKT3]

It's not really all that crazy. It's clear what she is doing. She wants to keep you on the hook while experimenting with her affair turned relationship. He is proving to not be what she expected.  When their relationship is good you wont hear from her, when it's bad she will reach out to you.

If you really want her gone, contact her new guy and tell him she is trying to hook up with you.  

[Ellener]

FOMO I've heard it called: fear of missing out. She's not ready to marry anyone, thankfully she seems to know it subconsciously, in the lack of commitment behaviour she shows and anyone healthy and aware is going to back off from that. 

Don't think about it any more is my advice, give yourself a me-only time and tons of exercise, healthy diet etc. Yes, the crazy one will fancy you more; but so will all the real people looking for decent relationships.

 

[alterest]

@DKT3 Well, that seems to be pretty precise. She did it for her reasons, but it's unfair with me and with that guy. I didn't say anything to the guy, cause I don't know what he could do, especially before me and her already kissed when before they broke up and get back together. He is pretty jealous, impulsive and emotional, a pretty bad combination. But I confess that still makes no sense that she even purpouse something like that. I can't see her in that action.

@Ellener That's probably a good point of view too. I think she is not ready to marry, and when I had a relationship with her I saw that and tried to make things work, but in a slow pace. She saw it as a non compromissal way to deal with things, but I prefer to take huge things (like marriage) with more concern. She knows that she doesn't want to be with that guy. She already told me that and ended with him a lot of times and using the same reasons. By what she said to me, I don't think the guy is healthy and aware. I think it's possible that both of them marry eventually, but I can see only a toxic relationship based on nothing. But thats not my problem. I'm trying to do my best staying away from her, keeping NC and so on. But the suggestion that she gave me today.. it hitted me hard. Especially because she told me that she got back with him on thursday. Four days to call an ex to a make out?! Well.. Not a healthy relationship at all.

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, alterest said:

I prefer to take huge things (like marriage) with more concern.

Anyone should, it's a lot bigger commitment than many people realise when it's so apparently easy to break up, especially if doing that 'til death do us part, better or worse' stuff, takes a lot to get over that if it doesn't work.

Focus on yourself now, this person's mind games are her own issue. Make 2020 a good year!

 

[alterest]

7 hours ago, Ellener said:

Anyone should, it's a lot bigger commitment than many people realise when it's so apparently easy to break up, especially if doing that 'til death do us part, better or worse' stuff, takes a lot to get over that if it doesn't work.

Focus on yourself now, this person's mind games are her own issue. Make 2020 a good year!

Indeed. One time when I talk to her after breakup, she told me about her engagement and that she can run away from the wedding at anytime, including in the day of the wedding, because everything is happening so fast and she is afraid and concern about everything. So she accept something with no commitment. I trully don't understand whats going on in her mind, and at this point I don't want and I know that I can't understand. Short time to got engagged, a lot of breakups, she saying that he is abusive, she trying to keep me at any cost at her side, her need to tell me everything (details about him and they relationship), she telling me how she misses me and how she made bad choices, she telling me that she is with him again and, finally, that weird and non-sense purpouse ("I want to see how is to cheat someone, but I don't want to hurt you..." WHAT? What's wrong with you?). I think not even her understand what is going on there. Yesterday she told me that she overcome our breakup, but I can't see how she doing all of those things are understood as 'overcome'. It's sound like she overcome nothing and have no idea what to do and how to do. She is on therapy, but I think she is distorting what she discuss overthere (she told me what they discuss). When she was with me, she sometimes distort things in therapy, but I talk to her about those things and she did things without or with little distortion. I even talk with her about his abusive fiance and I know that we never should talk with an ex about this stuff, and she back with someone she figured out is abusive. Maybe she know that and wants to punish him somehow, but that's not healthy. Not by what I belive and not for anyone in this situation (me, she and him).

I was sad until yesterday, thinking about her and my non-made purpouse to go out, and then this happened. I can't recognize her with this behavior, and that hurts a lot. She was so kind, so centered and so mature, and now she is doing this kind of thing.

But that's true, I need to focus on myself right now, keep NC (including no test ground if she talk to me) and move on. I'm pretty sad, as you can see, but she is not my problem anymore.

[alterest]

Yesterday, she reach me out to wishing me a good 2020 and she sent a picture of last year of her and my little cousin with her, saying "Google sugested that to me". Then she ask me how am I. I took about 6h to respond (i was working), I commented about the picture and ask her how she was and she only replied with a "I'm ok" and that it is.

Any idea for this kind of weird conversation? Breadcrumbs? Maybe she was feeling alone when she sent me, and after that she was feeling ok?