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My son hates me


fishlips

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Okay, maybe I am exaggerating, but my son (17) is autistic and has never shown any affection towards me. He does seem closer to his father. He basically ignores me half the time and acts like I'm not even there. When I ask him questions, he doesn't answer. I don't think we've ever had a real conversation. I realize that he has communication issues, but I want to be closer to him. He has had speech therapy and some social skills training, but still seems detached. When he was a little boy, he did talk to me. Any ideas? This is breaking my heart.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Awwww, I'm sorry.  This must be so hard.  I also have a 17 year old son so I can just imagine how sad it must be for you.  I'm sure your son loves you.  Hopefully some parents of autistic kids can weigh in here.  

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Parent of autistic kid here.   I'm so sorry you're hurting like this.  A little bit of affection back does go a long way - it's so very hard to keep giving but with nothing in return.

 

Before I think about ideas, what level of ASD are we discussing here?  Is he able to respond to teachers at school when they ask him a question or have a conversation with anyone else?   Have you done much work with augmentative communication methods?    For instance, using a photo to prompt discussion over something he did that day?

 

 

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17 hours ago, basil67 said:

Parent of autistic kid here.   I'm so sorry you're hurting like this.  A little bit of affection back does go a long way - it's so very hard to keep giving but with nothing in return.

 

Before I think about ideas, what level of ASD are we discussing here?  Is he able to respond to teachers at school when they ask him a question or have a conversation with anyone else?   Have you done much work with augmentative communication methods?    For instance, using a photo to prompt discussion over something he did that day?

 

 

He is high functioning, so he is in regular classes and does well in school. He doesn't really have any friends, so I'm concerned about him. He doesn't have conversations per se, but he can talk and answer questions. I think his speech therapists used pictures to encourage conversation, but he tested out and doesn't go anymore. How is your child doing?

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CAPSLOCK BANDIT

I've spent most of my life working with a family member who is mentally disabled. I've spent 10 years working with various families inside their homes, helping their sons and daughters to adjust to home life better, as well as in the community. I have worked with autistic young adults that range in behavior from seemingly normal to non-verbal and extremely violent. Sometimes, I just do respite for the families, other times I live with them for an extended period or live in their house with their son/daughter while they take an extended vacation. I don't like to say I have saw it all, i'm only 30, but my experience with autism is pretty extensive I would say.

 

In every home I have ever worked in, the mom has always been plagued by feelings of guilt. Whether it be guilt because they feel they did this to their child, guilt because they feel they are not providing enough, or guilt because they do not have a "Normal" relationship with their child, the aspect of guilt has always been constant.

 

I have found guilt to be an incredibly damaging thing. Guilt often inspires choices that are destructive and often, when these destructive choices are made, there is then this effort by the mother to fix or respond further to the situation by attempting to reverse whatever it is they have done, thus, incurring even more guilt in the process. These cycles of guilt that we can often find ourselves in are incredibly destructive and often do not end until there is some sort of breaking point hit, where the mother feels it is better they take a step back and let the father handle the situation more and soon the mother will want to be involved again and the cycle will begin to start all over.

 

I cannot comment on your situation specifically, but one of the things you must understand is that many people who have autism are working from a much more base place than us. Quite simply, if you are towing the hard line, giving your son rewards when applicable and telling him "No" when rewards are not applicable, the only time he will be invested in conversing with you is when he is getting ready to receive a reward.

 

However, as I said above, being the person to give the reward out can be hard, because especially with Autistic people, we need them to do things right and if they do not, we absolutely have to set the expectation for them of "No, you did not do this right, please do it again and you will get your reward". Often, the mother is unable to function in this role, simply because of the guilt associated with it. Fathers almost always function in this role and because of that, fathers a lot of the time receive the interaction from the individual, over the mother. Intrinsically, this means over time the individual will begin a habit of interacting with the reward giver and if there is no reward given or if the reward is in question, they will often step up the interaction in an attempt to persuade the person to give them the reward.

 

This is the biggest problem usually, is that the individual will attempt to persuade before they will attempt to try again. If persuasion fails, they may throw a tantrum, may get violent, may do anything they see fit to get their reward before doing the activity again. Frankly speaking, women are smaller than men, so often, autistic people will try these more negative behaviors with their mothers, but once the father is involved, the behaviors usually take a back seat, simply because the father is bigger, usually.

 

Rewards can be associated with just about anything; even people without autism get rewards, the only difference is that they reward themselves. Addiction is the idea of somebody who is rewarding themselves in such a way that they become dysfunctional. 

 

So i mean, you can do this, you can do that, but if what is happening is working for your son, that is what is important. If it is not working for you, I think you need to work through that... Yourself... Rather than projecting that onto your son...  Therapy would be an excellent start.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I feel for you and I face similar.  It is not like parenting an ordinary child, we both know that.  I envy those whose children show them affection and concern.  It must be nice to feel connected in that way.

 

The only thing I can think of that may help is to share the things that matter to him.  There are probably things he likes to do, toys he likes to play with.  Can you join in and just share the time with him in an easy-going way?  Obviously, if he does not want that, then it is best to back off.  Maybe if you are able to join in with his favourite activities, it will build trust and he will want to spend more time sharing with you.

 

It may be that you matter more to him than you realise.  He is taking you for granted as 'being there'.  He can relax and not have to engage.  I know it is hard and painful but perhaps it is a good sign in a way?

 

I haven't figured it out yet myself.  All I know is that there are overlapping interests where occasionally we share a few words.  

 

I am sorry you are feeling sad about this.  Honestly, it is natural to want to connect with your child and it is hard when they don't appear to care about doing so.  It doesn't make you any less special as a parent, regardless of the lack of affirmation from your son.

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If it helps any, most teenagers are cold to one or more of their parents, autistic or not.  I mean, in my life, I can only think of a couple who were buddy-buddy with their mom during teen years, and one of those was kind of creepy.  The other was a situation where the teen was more the caretaker.  

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1 hour ago, preraph said:

If it helps any, most teenagers are cold to one or more of their parents, autistic or not.  I mean, in my life, I can only think of a couple who were buddy-buddy with their mom during teen years, and one of those was kind of creepy.  The other was a situation where the teen was more the caretaker.  

 

preraph is right. My son put me through hell at 17...and he still takes me for granted at times even as an adult. As spiderowl says, they know you can be counted on.

 

I see a lot of people playing mindgames within families though, using affection and approval to manipulate each other. Sounds like you're doing a fabulous job to me. 

 

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Seems the thread starter hasn't been back to this thread in a while, thread closed till they return.

 

Thanks all..

 

 

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