Can I just make it stop?

[Inflikted]

I gotta be honest, I've grown very tired of my own desires for dating, relationships, all of it. I can't make it happen for myself. I can't have that. And yet, I can't make the "wanting" go away. It's always in the back of my mind. I lose sleep thinking about it.

 

It's frustrating and exhausting, and I just want it to stop, but I don't know how. How do I make it go away already?

Edited December 10, 2019 by Inflikted

[Happy Lemming]

You are talking about biology.  A male human being has testosterone that makes him want to mate/procreate.  Dating and relationships are just part of that equation.  Moreover, humans are social creatures (for the most part) you are wired to want to socialize and enjoy the company of other humans.  You can't make it go away.  With age your testosterone naturally drops, but that is many years down the road for you.

 

Short of chemical castration, I don't really think you can change your biology/physiology.  You are a male human and with that comes certain chemicals & hormones that run through your body.

 

What you are feeling is normal...

Edited December 10, 2019 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[MetallicHue]

Hey don’t beat yourself up. I think you’re selling yourself short. I think you suffer from lack of confidence but I think it’s something you can overcome. 

[Inflikted]

Whether it's normal or not, whether it's biology, either way, I'm just tired of feeling this way. Tired of always being frustrated, tired of it constantly being in the back of my head, tired of losing sleep, just... All of it.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Its funny, because the second you just let it all go and focus on your life, somebody comes along that will capture your interest.

 

Focus on yourself and be the best you, that you can be and all this romance garbage will just take care of itself. We all want to try so hard to do this and that, but this romance stuff is nature man, its in all of us, or most of us anyways, so just focus on yourself and do right by yourself.

 

Also, if you find yourself frustrated, just stop masturbating... Masturbation lowers your testosterone level significantly, but when you just keep it all in, your testosterone level increases. Testosterone and higher levels of it make us men innately more attractive to women. Also gotta be real careful, cause that first load after a month of keeping it in is gonna be a big one lmao.

[Happy Lemming]

11 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

 Tired of always being frustrated, tired of it constantly being in the back of my head, tired of losing sleep, just... All of it.

You can be tired all you want, as long as you are a human male in your early thirties, these desires are going to exist and you can't beat them.

 

All you can do is face your unjustified fear of rejection/social anxiety and start taking steps to be more social. Attempt to interact, then date, then have sex with a woman and pursue a relationship.

 

Going to the same Chinese restaurant for takeout once a week is not being social. 

[Inflikted]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

All you can do is face your unjustified fear of rejection/social anxiety and start taking steps to be more social. Attempt to interact, then date, then have sex with a woman and pursue a relationship.

 

I just can't see myself changing and being able to do that. And if I can't change, then it's just frustration for nothing.

 

9 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Also, if you find yourself frustrated, just stop masturbating... Masturbation lowers your testosterone level significantly, but when you just keep it all in, your testosterone level increases. Testosterone and higher levels of it make us men innately more attractive to women. Also gotta be real careful, cause that first load after a month of keeping it in is gonna be a big one lmao.

 

Eh. To be honest, I've slowed down on this pretty hard over the last few months. Not really "on purpose". Actually, I generally haven't been feeling aroused much lately. Whether that's a mental thing or just my body starting to fail, I don't know, but I guess it doesn't matter.

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Inflikted said:

I just can't see myself changing and being able to do that. And if I can't change, then it's just frustration for nothing.

Maybe you can talk to your doctor about some kind of medication to lower your testosterone and maybe a sleep aid to assist you in getting the rest you need.

[schlumpy]

Take the pressure off yourself by engaging in a coed group activity you have an interest in. You can socialize without making commitments or meeting expectations except for taking a shower.

[Inflikted]

@Happy Lemming

Maybe. I dunno. I'm just so tired of the thoughts in my head on a day to day basis. It's exhausting and it brings me down.

@schlumpy

Well, that's a big part of the reason I'll never date, because I can't find social activities that interest me, and even when I am in a new social environment, I don't mingle and connect with people around me.

[schlumpy]

I live in a large city. There are sports bars that have sand pits and volley ball nets that are coed teams. Learn to bowl. Join a bicycle club or go on a vacation with a coed group. Join a choir. I haven't seen very many male altos or sopranos unless they were under ten. Learn to play Canasta or cribbage.

 

There are lots of coed activities that you can try. Cooperating on a sports team will help you interact.

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Inflikted said:

It's exhausting and it brings me down.

Yet another reason to talk to your doctor.

[smackie9]

Sounds like you are going through a bout of depression. Healthy diet, loads of exercise, and no alcohol can sure clear away those pesky cobwebs.

[Inflikted]

@schlumpy

I'm just not interested in any of those things, and I can't find anything I am interested in. Which is part of the frustration.

@Happy Lemming & smackie9

Eh. What's even the point? Medications and whatnot only go so far. It's still up to me to make things happen for myself, and I just can't make things happen.

[schlumpy]

Can you borrow someone else's willpower? I know it sounds odd but I've always found that being in certain environments or being with certain people always allowed me to get things done I wouldn't do on my own.

[Inflikted]

I don't know? I'm not sure that makes much sense to me.

Either way, it probably won't make a difference. I just... really kinda suck at being a person. All I ever do is disappoint myself, and that's what I will continue to do.

[Ruby Slippers]

You've gotta keep the faith and keep adapting and evolving. My new boyfriend and I recently discussed that we've both been looking for real love / true love our entire lives. It's early yet, but so far we both feel we've found it in each other. This took decades. But through all the trial and errors, tears, breakups, divorces, frustration, headaches, we both persevered, and now here we are.

 

It was 100% worth every bit of it. And neither of us would be here if we hadn't kept the faith that eventually we would find what we were looking for, and continued to focus and make the effort.

[Inflikted]

12 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You've gotta keep the faith and keep adapting and evolving. My new boyfriend and I recently discussed that we've both been looking for real love / true love our entire lives. It's early yet, but so far we both feel we've found it in each other. This took decades. But through all the trial and errors, tears, breakups, divorces, frustration, headaches, we both persevered, and now here we are.

 

It was 100% worth every bit of it. And neither of us would be here if we hadn't kept the faith that eventually we would find what we were looking for, and continued to focus and make the effort.

 

I tried to have faith. For a long time. I just don't have the energy for it any more. I can't find the strength to be optimistic and to have faith in my ability to find someone, not when I see no reason to be. You've at least had the opportunity to have your trials and errors. I can't even say that. That's not a good precedent for the remainder of my life.

[Ruby Slippers]

It will be difficult if not impossible to make the wanting go away. It's natural and biological to want what you want.

 

Perhaps read up on the MGTOW philosophy (Men Going Their Own Way)? There are men and women out there who have chosen to give up on romantic love and pursue other paths. I wouldn't recommend it, but it's an option.

[Inflikted]

16 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It will be difficult if not impossible to make the wanting go away. It's natural and biological to want what you want.

 

Yeah, unfortunately, that's what I'm afraid of. It bothers me a lot knowing I'm going to spend the rest of my life being frustrated over wanting something I can't have.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's your choice:

 

1. Face and overcome the many obstacles before you, as most of us have to do in one way or another. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

2. Give up. Again, not what I recommend, as ultimately it's unlikely you'll ever be satisfied with this, will always feel something is missing.

 

I think what you're not seeing is that for whatever your perceived flaws and shortcomings, you have a counterpart out there who has similar or complementary flaws and shortcomings. My boyfriend actually loves and treasures some of my qualities I used to think were flaws.

 

[Inflikted]

32 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It's your choice:

 

1. Face and overcome the many obstacles before you, as most of us have to do in one way or another. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

2. Give up. Again, not what I recommend, as ultimately it's unlikely you'll ever be satisfied with this, will always feel something is missing.

 

I think what you're not seeing is that for whatever your perceived flaws and shortcomings, you have a counterpart out there who has similar or complementary flaws and shortcomings. My boyfriend actually loves and treasures some of my qualities I used to think were flaws.

 

Even if there were someone out there for me, I'd never be able to find her and convince her that she's attracted to me.

 

I feel as though learning how to "give up" is the only logical choice. I know that I can't have what I want. I can't give myself what I want.

 

I would love to be able to just separate myself from that altogether. I want to be able to happily watch my friends grow old together, see them have a family, see their future kids grow up, etc. It's as close as I'll ever get.

[schlumpy]

You may as well see a therapist because if you request medical adjustment to your body they are going to require it anyway. You could try meditation or yoga but if you are having motivation problems that's not going to appeal to you either. 

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

Sounds like you may need some professional assistance my friend. We all get down and in the dumps. Can be for minutes, hours, days, even weeks. But even when I've been down in the pits after breakups or other emotional events, I've never lost my attraction to the opposite sex or my sex drive. Even if professional help isn't affordable for you in the long run, seeing a licensed professional who specializes in sexuality and dating would be helpful for a few sessions. If you have loved ones who might gift you something over the holidays, perhaps sell it or just ask for money and if you don't feel comfortable telling them why, just say you want to use it for "yoga" or something else. Or try a community center - you can find a younger or even very seasoned shrink for a lot less then what they typically charge in private practice. Or if you work for a decent company - see if they offer (or your health insurance) discounted rates.

[schlumpy]

If you are lucky enough to work for a company with an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) take advantage of it.