Can I just make it stop?

[Inflikted]

Well, I've circled around to the part of my "cycle" where I feel completely deflated and apathetic. Which, I guess is semi good, because at least I'll get a week or two worth of not languishing my perpetual singleness. But, it'll circle back around there eventually, I'm afraid.

It really is hard being forever single. I know I'm supposed to "find my own happiness", but it just seems so pointless and empty if I can never share it with someone else.

[Ellener]

Are you depressed? Depression often comes in these cycles.

[Inflikted]

On 1/2/2020 at 9:17 AM, Ellener said:

Are you depressed? Depression often comes in these cycles.

See the newest thread I've made in the Personal Rants & Confessions forum.

[sothereiwas]

On 12/23/2019 at 2:48 PM, Inflikted said:

Even still, I don't expect I could afford it, myself. Like I said, I'm focused on saving for a place to live. What would be the point of buying a wife if we didn't even have a place to live?

IMO the phrase 'buying a wife' is something people throw out when they either have no clue or are trying to throw shade on people (mostly men) who decide to go outside national boundaries in a quest to extend their dating pool. Buying people is illegal folks. This is not what happens when a fella goes overseas to date. How would I know? Well, shucks, I've spent a lot of time overseas and actually lived in the Republic of the Philippines for the better part of a couple years. People are people no matter where a person goes it turns out. 

What a person will find in a place like 'the phils' as the locals call it is a more traditional society with far different norms and values than found in most of the USA, urban centers particularly. 

While I was there I lived pretty well, had a laundry service, water delivery, went SCUBA diving quite a bit, read a lot, sat on beaches a lot, lived in various nice rented places including a 3 bedroom 2 bath house and a 2 bedroom 1 bath condo. All for an average burn rate of less than $500 a month. The expensive part was flying over and learning the ropes. 

If life isn't giving you the right lemons for lemonade here, what do you have to lose? Give it a shot. Go to kayak and buy an off peak round trip ticket. 

[lovelydemon]

Hi Op,

You sound a lot like me. Have you considered that you might be autistic? Constantly trying to learn rules of human relationships,  putting a mask on to fit in, always feeling on the outside? A lot of high functioning autistic people never get diagnosed because they work hard to  blend in.

[Inflikted]

On 1/19/2020 at 12:18 PM, lovelydemon said:

Hi Op,

You sound a lot like me. Have you considered that you might be autistic? Constantly trying to learn rules of human relationships,  putting a mask on to fit in, always feeling on the outside? A lot of high functioning autistic people never get diagnosed because they work hard to  blend in.

If I were to guess, I'd say no. I think, unfortunately, I just didn't have an upbringing that prepared me very well for socializing and forming relationships with people. Neither of my parents were ever social people; growing up, I never saw them have friends, or go out and do things with people, they honestly never even really did anything together as a couple, that I could see. On top of that, my mom raised me to be fearful and distrustful of people, growing up, which made me very timid and afraid of the world. When I got to high school, I was bullied mercilessly for the entire duration of it, which seemingly validated what I learned from my mom. After high school, I was very bitter and disinterested in much of anything. That bitterness eventually evolved into apathy and being closed off to the people, and the world, around me. A few years later, I met a girl I felt a good bond with, and I started to come out of my shell then; I developed feelings for her, and pursued her romantically, but she rejected me and pulled away, then I embarrassed myself and made her hate me, and that made me spiral back down into rock bottom.

So, I think my social struggles have mostly been environmental. I never had anyone to teach me how to be social and how to connect with people, and in fact, my mom discouraged me from doing so. Then my real world experiences seemed to validate those thoughts.

Thankfully, my current friendships have helped me to relax and mellow out a bit more, and feel like I finally have people that accept me. Though, I still struggle to meet and connect with people outside of that social circle, unfortunately.