My first post - recent loss of my first love

[CuddlesWithCthulhu]

I've written about so much and I get carried away with words, but I'll try to keep it brief. I've always been very shy and isolated. I began playing a mobile game a few years ago and a very friendly woman in a chat channel wanted to be friends. I added her and we were very friendly right off the bat, and I knew very early that she was interested in me. She thought I was sweet and funny. We took it to an off-game chat app. She sent me pictures of herself, of her hobbies. She is amazing, she does everything, and she's gorgeous. I could go on and on but I immediately put up all my shields. I didn't think a woman like that could ever really be interested in a nobody dope like me. I don't have to tell you, I have many self image issues.

 

I tried to keep my distance, she was lonely and into me. Really into me. She opened up to me about intimate things, her past, she got me to open up. Before long she was roleplaying with hugs and kisses, trying to tell me that it made her feel good and I made her happy. This escalated and I tried to push her away. Anyway, a looooot happened and she kept breaking through my walls and pursuing me. We fell in love and had been very deep and intimate for the past 1.5 years.

 

I told her from the beginning I couldn't see myself moving across the country with my issues. She asked me to visit her, wanted to visit me. I told her it would be too painful if we allowed it become face-to-face real. I told her it would hurt if we drug it out, but she said she didn't care, she just wanted to enjoy our time. We talked about marriage, kids, a home and life together. She said every night that she loved me so so so much. We were deep into it, and it was my first relationship at 32. The first time I'd ever been desired and loved, and the first time I'd loved someone real like that.

 

We finally decided it had to end, and she cried to me and her friends a lot. It was extremely hard on her. I was trying to be strong, trying to comfort her. She jumped immediately into online dating, as she wants a person to have a future with. She called me crying after some bad dates, and we snuggled and said we loved each other. She told me she wasn't going to date for a while.

 

2 weeks later I was missing her terribly. The pain of being without her hit me all at once. I was scared after a colonoscopy so I turned to my best friend as I had for the past 1.5 years. My favorite, most loving and caring person in the world. She was distant. She had met a guy and had been seeing him for 2 weeks. I called her and broke into tears. I was an emotional mess. I said I was sorry it took losing her to make me get over my fears and medical issues. I told her I'd be on the first flight out to her if she said yes. She said she moved on and the feelings are gone. Having a new guy that lives close by made a difference.

 

For the past two months, I've been a devastated, ragged hole of neediness and pain and tears. This is an extremely abbreviated version, there's so very much more I wish I could share. I don't know how 1.5 years of the most loving, caring, supportive intimacy means nothing after seeing a guy for 2 weeks. I''ve made every mistake in the book. We swore we'd be friends forever. I've broke down, I've told her I'm in pain, I've been needy for her attention. I've stressed her out. But she still talks to me and says she cares and worries about me. We still play the game and she wants me in the guild.

Edited December 10, 2019 by CuddlesWithCthulhu

[CuddlesWithCthulhu]

She swore from the beginning I'd always be important to her. Basically, everything that happened is what we knew would happen except for her moving on so fast to a new guy and me breaking down. I always thought it would be impossible to move across the country with my issues just to date her, but I'd change my whole life to make it work with her.

 

I'd appreciate some advice on no contact. I made all the mistakes and broke down to her. I was clingy and needy. She apologized for hurting me, advised me to take a break from her, said she wants me to heal. I said I would be fine and we've been chatting like friends, except I've kept saying the wrong things.

 

She still messages me every day. It's after i stupidly asked her to take some time for me while I go through this, so I don't know if it's because she cares or because I guilted her. We play the game together. I left the guild last week and she called me because she was worried about me. She said she understood if I did it because I needed space.

 

I brushed that all off as though I was fine and rejoined the guild, but I'm slowly resolving that I can't be friends with someone who loved me so hard and then said the feelings are gone. I still want her.

 

Do I just reply politely to her messages but don't initiate conversation and see what happens? Do I tell her I'm ready to take space for myself for a while and see if she ends up missing me? Or do I tell her I can't be her friend, leave the guild for good, and begin the process of shutting down all connections to her?

 

Her new relationship is still very new, and she could be needy and insecure when we were together. Do I go silent and wait a few months to see what happens or tell her right now that I can't just be her friend?

Edited December 11, 2019 by CuddlesWithCthulhu

[scooby-philly]

I've always been very shy and isolated. I knew very early that she was interested in me.  I don't have to tell you, I have many self image issues.

So...you're smart enough to have picked up the signals, and funny enough to get her attention. So that's something to start with. For repairing self image - you need to write out a list (or create one mentally) of the great things about you and repeat it like a mantra 10,20,100x a day. And get honest, open, loving feedback from family/friends you TRUST will tell you the truth about you - both bad but especially GOOD.

As an adult - isolation is fixable. Just get out there. Even if you don't know what to do hobby or interest wise - just get out there! Walk. Go to a park. Go to a library. Just get out there!

 

She said every night that she loved me so so so much. We were deep into it, and it was my first relationship at 32. The first time I'd ever been desired and loved, and the first time I'd loved someone real like that.

 

I didn't try to start dating till 28 (long story) and didn't get into a serious relationship till I was almost 30. I was heavy, had facial scaring, low self-esteem, etc. While I haven't found the "one" yet - if I can find and attract and keep women so can you. But more to the point - this was not a full-fledged relationship my friend. Not in a deep sense. I'm sure your feelings were real and hopefully hers were too. But relationships mean meeting and spending time together and if you've never met once, then it was a lot of fantasy. I'm not trying to be harsh but just real. I should know - I spent close to 2 yrs in a long distance relationship recently and I've found myself a lot more devastated over losing her than I should have been - but as friends and people on here have been able to help me see/understand - I spent a ton of time/energy imagining what a life could have been with her while we were together, instead of having one, lol. So the pain I felt, largely, was the pain of losing that fantasy/dream. But....I'm in recovery and realize - I can have that life. Period. I don't need her and while I'm not perfect, I deserve someone a hell of a lot better than her. For you, if she could move on that quickly then while it may hurt, it proves you are the better person than her..

 

I told her I'd be on the first flight out to her if she said yes. She said she moved on and the feelings are gone. Having a new guy that lives close by made a difference.

Never wait to make a move. But not sure if this was you really wanting her or more you just needing a friend and someone to talk to and not having gone through a breakup before. Feeling devastated is bad, but it eases over time. And the better/deeper your friends and family networks are the easier they are to tolerate and the quicker you can recover. Get out there and try some new hobbies that get you to meet people in real life. You know, generally speaking, most adults aren't aholes that will tease or make fun of you. Sure there's a few out there, but in most group settings it won't be tolerated.

 

You need to go NC. Even if it means a lot to you, you need to stop playing this game or at least joining this guild till you're over her. Find a new game, play it single player if you can, etc. 

 

Overall I'm sorry to hear about your pain and your situation. Breakups are never easy. Stay strong and keep talking!

[CuddlesWithCthulhu]

22 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

So...you're smart enough to have picked up the signals, and funny enough to get her attention. 

As an adult - isolation is fixable. Just get out there. Even if you don't know what to do hobby or interest wise - just get out there! Walk. Go to a park. Go to a library. Just get out there!

 

Oh, I'm well liked in the game channel. I've gotten the attention of several women. It's a social game so there's lots of flirting, but I'm popular. It's all text, so it's a different sort of personality that comes through. Lots of joking and wordplay. It's an easier way to communicate for me. There are many reasons why I'm unable to get out there, none of which I should go into here. I just have some circumstances that have me kind of stuck. Getting out and socializing, even if there was somewhere around me to go, isn't really in the cards.

 

if I can find and attract and keep women so can you. But more to the point - this was not a full-fledged relationship my friend. Not in a deep sense. I'm sure your feelings were real and hopefully hers were too. But relationships mean meeting and spending time together and if you've never met once, then it was a lot of fantasy.

 

I'm sorry it took that long for you as as you can see, I can relate. No one has ever been attracted to me in real life. Trust me, the reason I resisted her for so long is because I didn't trust she could really feel that way. I believed she was in a fantasy. The more I revealed to her, the more she accepted all the things I was embarrassed about, the more I trusted and loved her. That's why this is so hard. She wanted me so badly. Insecure about my pics? She loved them. Embarrassed about little details of my life. She didn't care. She just wanted more time with me. I had something so incredible. 

 

 For you, if she could move on that quickly then while it may hurt, it proves you are the better person than her.

 

I don't know if I believe that, but I know what you mean. There were and are things at play that don't really matter now. It's just a part of the torture. How she could go from saying she loved me as we snuggled on the phone to saying feelings are gone? It hurts terribly.

 

Never wait to make a move. But not sure if this was you really wanting her or more you just needing a friend and someone to talk to and not having gone through a breakup before. Feeling devastated is bad, but it eases over time. And the better/deeper your friends and family networks are the easier they are to tolerate and the quicker you can recover.

 

In this case, a move meant flying across the country, which I didn't think I could do. I felt she was way too good for me, I was afraid of everything, acceptance just as much as rejection. I'm shy and have never even had a flirtatious exchange with a woman. How could I get on a plane with my nervousness and go meet her and keep it together? Those things and more were all in my head, and I just kept brushing the whole thing off as temporary, even as I fell in love with her. It's the regret that's eating me alive. The whole situation sucks beyond words. I wish more than anything I would've gone to really see and hold her. And I can't go back. I'll never get that shot with my sweet woman again without a miracle.

 

You need to go NC. Even if it means a lot to you, you need to stop playing this game or at least joining this guild till you're over her. Find a new game, play it single player if you can, etc. 

Overall I'm sorry to hear about your pain and your situation. Breakups are never easy. Stay strong and keep talking!

 

I just rejoined the guild. How do I do it? I'm not sure I can right now. I'm addicted to her still, even as she grows distant and anxiety eats me alive every time we talk. I've been trying not to initiate conversation with her, but that means nothing if she's happy and not thinking of me and growing closer to a new person. Do I just keep distance and give myself time? Do I tell her I'm going to take some space? Do I tell her I can't be her friend and unfriend her? We have the same friends and that would be too weird. I'm really lost right now. I want her in my life, but I'm rehearsing every day how to tell her I can't do it.

 

Thank you, scooby. I greatly appreciate the kind words, help, and advice.

Edited December 12, 2019 by CuddlesWithCthulhu

[TeddyBundy1993]

Boy oh boy I have been in this similar situation. Was in a long distance relationship for 3 years met only once with her for 1 month she lived with me but after she returned to her country she left me for someone else who is 16 year older to her. I understand your pain very well man. Be it online feelings are still feelings and it hurts. I was and am still devastated over what happened. My story is in LDR section. What I realized is people change no matter how great we were to our exes or supported them it does not hold them to be with us forever. Like you I was also with my ex day and night her former B.F commuted suicide and I supported her till she healed and was happy again supported her much more which I wont go in details I m telling all this just bcz I feel related to your situation but bro she has met someone now there is nothing you can do that will bring her back really nothing. Girls are like that only once they decide its over then nothing brings them back. All you can do is be kind to yourself and cut contact with her. She is just feeling pity for you or maybe knowingly/unknowing using you to get rid of feelings and attachment that's left between you two I guarantee you if you keep talking to her slowly her texts will go less to a point where she wont even write you for a month. Cut her off now dont be a doormat. Because it will hurt you only. I also am in NC is very hard but I understood that's only the way I can move on my ex also tried hard to be friends but it just hurts. Stay strong this s*** happens to the best of us. Already I have seen and learned from LS that relationship barely last forever. People get bored of each other and then move on to someone new. You priority now should be to heal yourself mate tell her politely not to contact you for few months then block her slowly you'll get over it pfff and remember you are not alone there are plenty of people suffering right at the same point of time their hearts are bleeding too. Sadly that's how things work these days