Reconnecting with a guy from 11 years back

[exasperatedz]

In my early 20s, I dated a guy casually for a couple of months back in 2008, we broke things off as he was looking for a casual, no strings attached friendship/ relationship while I wanted someone exclusive and serious. I havent heard from him again and to nurse my bruised ego, I moved on completely. He has an unique, introverted character that is endearing and engimatic.

 

Fast forward to 2019, I visited a place and it sort of trigged my thoughts about him. A decade has passed and I have never thought about him at all until recently. I plucked my courage and texted him at his mobile (surprisingly he didn't change his number) I have a habit of reaching out to old friends - male and female alike.

 

Surprisingly, he recognised and remembered me from my pics and sounded pleased and friendly to hear from me. He shared that he is still single and hasn't dated for the last 5 years. We exchanged texts continuously for a couple of days, he sent me his current pics and asked how he looks now, after 3 days of texting, I decided to ask him out for dinner on the day itself. He rejected my invitation immediately, stating that he has plans for the day and we could arrange it again. At this point, I told him that I am married and my "reconnection" to him doesn't constitute any intention/desire to "woo" him and I don't have any romantic designs on him. The dinner invitation was just to chitchat in person, he asked about my husband, and I told him that he's out of town. He assured me not to worry and he doesn't see it that way at all. We also sort of explored the idea of exercising together but he was hesitant about it shortly after stating that he has a exercise regimen in place already.

 

After he declined my "dinner" invitation, I pulled away and didn't text him at all. I blocked him then unblocked him and he texted me a week later and asked me how I was doing, we resumed our conversation intermittently for the next few days, with him updating me about his exercise regimen. This continued until one day, I inititated a text about his exercise regimen and he asked me where's my husband and whether he will be angry with us communicating. I told him my hubby is ok and has even met my single male colleagues. I then added generally that I am not on good terms with my husband but simply leave it as that.

 

I asked if he minds that I continue to text him, and if he minds, I will cease all contact. He said he doesn't mind and when I asked if his gf/date minds, he said he doesn't have a gf for now and then I apologise to him if my texts has disturbed him, but he replied that hat it's ok, i can share everything with him.

 

It's been a week and I haven't heard from him again. What could possibly be on his mind? It was just casual texting, I didnt confess or force anything on him. I also didn't try to ask what happened to his love life as i feel its too private and intrusive. I didn't also try to ask him out again.

Edited December 10, 2019 by exasperatedz

[d0nnivain]

When you reached out he probably assumed you wanted to date or you were open to reconsidering his offer for NSA sex all those years ago.  He knows you are married.  You told him you are "not on good terms" with your husband.  I don't know what you mean by that but IMO you, a married lady, reaching back a decade to find some guy who expressed a sexual interest in you back then is you desperately looking for an ego stroke.  You want this guy to make you feel beautiful, desirable & young again.  He sees this for the ruse that it is & doesn't want to play that game. 

 

You are playing with fire here.  You need to either fix your marriage or get out of it but leave this poor bloke alone.  

[schlumpy]

Dinner with you could mean looking over his shoulder for an indefinite period of time. Not an attractive prospect. Try Tinder instead.

[exasperatedz]

ok i just wanting to continue to keep in touch with him

 

i feel humiliated by his indifference after i took the courage to reach out to him

 

i will block him 

[K.K.]

He had good reasons for not going to dinner with you, he already had plans. He wanted to reschedule but you were already offended that he wouldn’t change his plans or maybe you thought it was an excuse. Sometimes people do have plans though and can’t really drop everything like that. 

 

The thing that makes it look like more than just wanting to have a friendly catch up is that you told him too much. Like that things weren’t going good with your husband. I imagine you do feel humiliated but I think blocking him is going to make you look and feel even more dumb. 

 

If you want to save face, just do nothing. If he texts you wanting to see you, just reiterate that you were just checking on him to see how he is and wish him well. 

 

You’re married. Definitely playing with fire. So don’t do it. As far as feeling humiliated though, blocking him will make you look weird and unstable. Why are you going to block somebody that didn’t do anything wrong. You’re the one that reached out to him. Why bother blocking. 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, exasperatedz said:

ok i just wanting to continue to keep in touch with him

 

i feel humiliated by his indifference after i took the courage to reach out to him

 

i will block him 

 

 

You don't have to block him.  That is an extreme reaction reserved for people who are pestering you.  You are pestering him, not the other way around  I agree with KK's suggestion that you do nothing.  Don't reach out but don't block.  You can delete him from your phone if you like so you are no longer tempted.  

 

There is no need to feel humiliated.  Why give that level of power to somebody you barely even know any more?  Why does a relative stranger's opinion matter to you so much?   

 

You are in a sad / bad place right now.  Something is off with your marriage & you aren't addressing that.  You are seeking validation in inappropriate places.  That is understandable to an extent.  We all like to feel desirable.  However, you are going about it wrong.  Fix what is wrong in your marriage or end the marriage.  Either way you will end up with a relationship that fulfills you, either with your husband or with a new partner.   What you can't do is try to get that validation through some sort of EA. like you were trying to use this guy from your past for.  

Edited December 10, 2019 by d0nnivain

[FMW]

I think you reached out to him because of your unhappiness in your marriage.  You wanted attention and connection.  I've been there, I understand.  Be honest with yourself and your motivations and figure out what to do about your marriage.  

 

There is no reason to feel humiliated by his "indifference".  He's likely just clearing sensing the mixed signals coming from you and has wisely chosen to keep some distance.  If he had absolutely no interest in you he wouldn't have responded to you at all.

 

And I agree with others, there is no reason to block him.  That's an emotional reaction that should make you realize you need to get a handle on what to do with your marriage.  That's the issue you need to be focused on.  This other guy is just a distraction.       

[exasperatedz]

well, it has been cricket silence from his end since we ended on the note that it's ok for us to continue to text.......and he assued me that i could share anything with him..

 

Admittedly, i just want to text him on the side, i am not planning an affair ..

 

i wonder what he's been thinking and whether will i hear from him again. He could have just ask me to bug off if he finds me a hassle...but he didnt...

 

This anticpation of receiving his text daily and not getting any is weighing heavily on my heart and making me teary, somehow i take his silence treatment as rejection to my attempts to reconnect with him "romantically" after telling him that things aren't well with my husband. As the silence period gets longer, I feel the chances of hearing from him again get slimmer each day..............eventually i will never ever get to talk to him again ..thats the part that's making me sad.......imagine the last time we met and spoke was in 2008.....i will never make another attempt to initiate contact with him not now and definitely not in the years or decades to come.

Edited December 10, 2019 by exasperatedz

[preraph]

Doesn't sound like he's changed much, and also doesn't sound like he plows already turned ground.  You need to fix your marriage or get out of it instead of looking for something to fill the void, just saying.  

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, exasperatedz said:

Admittedly, i just want to text him on the side, i am not planning an affair ..

 

 

 

This anticpation of receiving his text daily and not getting any is weighing heavily on my heart and making me teary, somehow i take his silence treatment as rejection to my attempts to reconnect with him "romantically" after telling him that things aren't well with my husband. 

 

 

Most people would define that as an Emotional Affair.  You were going outside your marriage to seek validation you are not getting in your marriage.  That is always dangerous & bad.  

[preraph]

We're not judging you.  We're just saying it's not the answer.  It only causes more problems, more emotional crises, and makes you more unhappy.  Deal with your marriage.  

[d0nnivain]

18 minutes ago, preraph said:

We're not judging you.  

 

 

Very true.   

 

I hope you find a solution to what ails your heart but some guy from long ago probably isn't it.  

[2BGoodAgain]

I think the fact you need to block him and unblock him.. i've done that many times to a person who i felt vulnerable to, conflicted with emotions that of attraction, but not quite understanding why.

 

you're not happy in your marriage; i'm not presuming anything b/c i know nothing about it, but when a person isn't happy in their situation, they have a choice... to keep going on or end it.

it's a tough choice and many times it's easier to avoid the hard choice/reality and go back to a situation/person/event that is more pleasant. 

 

of course, i'm not sure why you went to this person, since he rejected and hurt your self-esteem a while back, but perhaps you thought it could be a pleasant self esteem boost b/c back in the day, he was only interested in an intimate relationship with no ties.. perhaps you did this subconsciously... a lot of times, we don't understand or see our own actions until afterwards or if someone points it out to us.. yes, we're that blind to our inner workings, at times.

 

At any rate, from your past, he's not the type of person just to chat... so for your rationalization that its just texts and nothing more is kinda obvious to everyone. 

 

Also, I don't think he thinks you're trying to connect with him romantically; as you've said before, romance wasn't his objective. and you know this as well. I think you're just seeking comfort from the reality that is your life and the choices you don't want to face/make. 

 

I'm not trying to point fingers at you or anything.. just giving you a heads up, in case you don't see it yourself. this road you're on can feel great short term, if he replies and you two talk... but all affairs are fantasy. An easy escape from reality that is our lives. I think you're in a pre-affair stage... where your only way to justify it is by saying, we're just talking... 

 

whether you accept this or not, is completely up to you. I gain nothing either way. 

 

As for myself, having been in an affair, can tell you, that's where this road leads.. even if consciously, you're not thinking it... 

it doesn't matter what he thinks... or why he's not texting, tbh... what matters is why YOU are so concerned about it. he isn't even a friend or a lover.. a former lover, but that's it.

right now, your self esteem is at a low; after communicating with him, even lower. you're in pain b/c his indifference to you is hitting that already bruised self esteem and you want that pain to go away. You feel by talking to him your pain will subside, but honestly, he isn't the reason why you're in pain... i think that pain has been there due to your current life situation.

 

Just a thought. 

 

I wish you the very best; i'd advise talking to a trusted female friend or a therapist or just talking about it outloud in your car, if you have to. You'd be surprised what comes out of your life when you voice your thoughts... 

 

Good luck.

[Amethyst68]

6 hours ago, exasperatedz said:

Admittedly, i just want to text him on the side, i am not planning an affair ..

.......

i wonder what he's been thinking and whether will i hear from him again. He could have just ask me to bug off if he finds me a hassle...but he didnt.

This anticpation of receiving his text daily and not getting any is weighing heavily on my heart and making me teary, somehow i take his silence treatment as rejection to my attempts to reconnect with him "romantically" after telling him that things aren't well with my husband.

 

An affair is exactly what you are planning, cheating doesn't have to be physical. I would bet that you would consider your husband texting an ex romantically as cheating...

 

This man sounds as if he might be a decent man with good boundaries, willing to chat with a friend by retreating at the impropriety of your massages, he probably doesn't want to be caught up in the drama you would bring.

[exasperatedz]

Thanks all for the advice given, seeing a therapist is important

 

I'm feeling very sad and dejected that he's no longer texting me. I feel rejected, abandoned by him once again. What should I do? One part of me wants to block him on my mobile and move on, other part of me tells me that I can just leave it,  whether he comes around or not, it's does matter or say anything about me but I will never initiate contact but this creates anxiety or longing for him

 

What will you all advise?

Edited December 11, 2019 by exasperatedz

[d0nnivain]

If you will feel better by blocking him, do it.  his life isn't going to change no matter what you do.  

 

But think about this.  You are devastated because some guy from a decade ago doesn't want to text you.  Imaging how awful your husband must feel that you are seeking this level of comfort & validation from a man who is not him.   If all was right in your marriage you would not have gone looking for this guy & his refusal to play would not be affecting you so deeply.  

 

My advice:  get your house in order.  Either fix your marriage or get out.  But stop playing around.  You are only hurting yourself.  

Edited December 11, 2019 by d0nnivain

[exasperatedz]

I have finally blocked him

I know i have to work on my marriage with my hubby and will be seeing a therapist

 

i reached out completely out of curiosity and he was friendly in response. I get to know him better in these days we texted. I thought I have reconnected with him as a friend, get to know one another better frankly, and we could keep in touch as friends. I have many married female friends who also have long-time platonic male friends whom they have maintained long term, cordial platonic friendships

 

I told him im harmless, and don't not have any romantic designs on him. I dont know why he needs to retreat completely now. I dont see a reason for that. Am i so detestable, ugly and frightening that he needs to retreat completely? who knows that he may have already blocked me at his end? What can't we keep in touch as normal friends? I just dont understand... he thinks im trying to pursue him sexually or romantically just because i told him that my hubby and I aren't on good terms? and ran away in disgust?

 

i thought we have reconnected and get to know one another better as friends.

 

Im very disappointed, i need closure, theres no closure, i cannot even contact him as a friend. its very humiliating and hurtful for me as I have done so much to reach out to him after 11 long years, and only to get snubbed once again by him via his silence treatment

 

sometimes, i want to ask him, why did you reject me time and time again? i need closure

 

Edited December 12, 2019 by exasperatedz

[FMW]

Your strong feelings about his perceived rejection of you indicates to me that you were looking for something more than an innocent platonic connection.  As I said before, I've been there before, I understand - but be honest with yourself about what you are feeling and what your motivations are.  That will help you in making the right decisions about your marriage.  Don't seek distraction and things that you are missing in your marriage from another man.    

[2BGoodAgain]

my affair kept coming back to me after we'd break up, with the same question... why did I reject her and not leave my current relationship... 

 

it isn't just innocent platonic friendship she was seeking, and honestly, it wasn't even me she was seeking... my rejection of her hit something core within her... it hurt her pride, her sense of self worth, self esteem.. and she needed validation, usually sexually.... to feel good about herself.

 

when you see your therapist, be candidly open as honest as you can be.. I don't think you're being deceptive to anyone, but I think there's more going on in your head/heart than you consciously know...

 

many folks here, have been where you are... that's why they seem to know or say things that seem untrue, but deep inside you kinda know it is.. or perhaps you're not there yet....

 

keep an open mind and instead of focusing so much on the light spot on the wall(why he rejected me, i'm just seeking platonic friendship)… try instead to see where that light spot on the wall is coming from (your heart, your hurt, your inner core)….

 

wish you best.

[exasperatedz]

it was completely out of curiosity but i admitted that i have developed feelings for him after texting him, it gives me a warm feeling. He was considered my first love, I did lasik as he commented on my glasses.... 

 

but it ended too adruptly, i just dont understand why it has to end this way? i have reached out to female friends, we texted,reconnected and meet up for coffee.. and maintain contact since then

 

why does he have to keep rejecting my intentions? If he had disliked me so much, he could have ignored my text from the start. 

4 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

my affair kept coming back to me after we'd break up, with the same question... why did I reject her and not leave my current relationship... 

 

it isn't just innocent platonic friendship she was seeking, and honestly, it wasn't even me she was seeking... my rejection of her hit something core within her... it hurt her pride, her sense of self worth, self esteem.. and she needed validation, usually sexually.... to feel good about herself.

 

when you see your therapist, be candidly open as honest as you can be.. I don't think you're being deceptive to anyone, but I think there's more going on in your head/heart than you consciously know...

 

many folks here, have been where you are... that's why they seem to know or say things that seem untrue, but deep inside you kinda know it is.. or perhaps you're not there yet....

 

keep an open mind and instead of focusing so much on the light spot on the wall(why he rejected me, i'm just seeking platonic friendship)… try instead to see where that light spot on the wall is coming from (your heart, your hurt, your inner core)….

 

wish you best.

 

 

 

will do...guess u can only reconnect with good,old long lost female friends from high school or college days but never with a guy......they will always be questioning if you have any romantic or sexual desires on them..

Edited December 12, 2019 by exasperatedz

[2BGoodAgain]

I'm not saying people can't be friends with members of the opposite gender... or that of past relationships... but....

 

1) some people are more vulnerable to them, for whatever reasons... so some should steer clear away. For others, who don't have that issue, be mindful, but they're adults.. they can make their own choices, same as you.

2) you have to consider the history of that opposite gender/prev partner and yourself...

 

There are clear danger signs for you...

 

1) past sexual relationship that was never resolved.

2) you got let go b/c you were getting attached or perceived as getting attached or he got bored(I don't know him)

3) you're in a bad place in your current relationship.

 

I don't know about your other female friends who have platonic male friends.. or their histories.. but for you, i'd say those are clear borderline danger signs to steer clear of.

 

you're an adult.. you make your own choices in life.. but you're here to get advice on the why... and people are giving you warning without judgement(I hope) that the why isn't the problem, but why are you connecting with him / kinda obsessed with ur past with him..

 

no judgement from me, as well... I've done more worse things that anything you've mentioned... I have only sympathy and concern for you, whoever you are.

 

good luck!

 

[exasperatedz]

27 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

I'm not saying people can't be friends with members of the opposite gender... or that of past relationships... but....

 

1) some people are more vulnerable to them, for whatever reasons... so some should steer clear away. For others, who don't have that issue, be mindful, but they're adults.. they can make their own choices, same as you.

2) you have to consider the history of that opposite gender/prev partner and yourself...

 

There are clear danger signs for you...

 

1) past sexual relationship that was never resolved.

2) you got let go b/c you were getting attached or perceived as getting attached or he got bored(I don't know him)

3) you're in a bad place in your current relationship.

 

I don't know about your other female friends who have platonic male friends.. or their histories.. but for you, i'd say those are clear borderline danger signs to steer clear of.

 

you're an adult.. you make your own choices in life.. but you're here to get advice on the why... and people are giving you warning without judgement(I hope) that the why isn't the problem, but why are you connecting with him / kinda obsessed with ur past with him..

 

no judgement from me, as well... I've done more worse things that anything you've mentioned... I have only sympathy and concern for you, whoever you are.

 

good luck!

 

 

 

 

yes understand, we never had a sexual relationship,  well, since he dont appreciate my kind gesture so be it, i just take it that i never have any affinity with him

[2BGoodAgain]

just watch out for relapses; they sneak up on you... 

[exasperatedz]

Do I need to text him one last time to get the closure that he's no longer interested or leave it as it is?

 

The conversation ended with his emoticon and I didn't reply to it and neither did he initiate any contact till now? I havent texted him too

[d0nnivain]

No, do not text him to confirm that he's no longer interested.  Closure already happened.  He stopped texting.   You are grasping at straws.  

 

It had to end this way because he recognized it for what it was -- you being inappropriate in the face of  your failing marriage & he wisely wanted no part of this.  That warm feeling you got was actually a bad thing as far as your husband was concerned.   

 

If you figure out what you are doing with your marriage & you decide to end it, then it would be OK to reach back out to this guy because then you would be free to interact with him.   If you fix your marriage you won't need him.  

Edited December 14, 2019 by d0nnivain