He is delaying our break up, shut me off and I've had enough

[doraemon_jay]

Hi there,

 

I'm writing to you guys to get some ideas/ answers as I feel totally powerless and at a loss.

 

I've decided to end a very toxic relationship with my manipulative bf. One reason is, I’ve come to the conclusion that enough is enough, and the second reason is the situation about a month ago which was like the last straw for me. There was a day at the beginning of November when I needed him the most, I had communicated it to him a few days before but on the day he just didn’t respond to messages and calls, left me completely alone to cope with the whole sh*t. That made me realise I can't rely on him, he's just a childish immature brat so I told him all that when we met briefly 2 days later and didn't let him stay at my flat for the night, like he wanted to. 

Not only he didn't bother to apologise (!!!), he just shut me off completely (as he always does, when something between us doesn't go the way he'd like it to), hasn't been on facebook since and today he restricted my view of his Steam account, setting it to private (so childish!). The silence had been going on for 3 weeks when I finally decided to call it quits and texted him (on 3rd Dec) saying I want to break up, asking him to meet up so that we can give each other our stuff back - he also has keys to my flat!! I want my things back, especially that they weren't cheap but there is one more reason I have to see him face to face. He has a few naked photos of me (without my head on the pic though) and a short video of us having sex, where my face is showing for a split second (I know, I know....just don't lecture me, okay) on his phone. I want to make him delete all those when I'm next to him and can see that he really deleted it. What also worries me, he said once that he's a vindictive person and I just don't know what to expect of him. 

Yesterday I sent him a text message again, for the second time, urging to meet up and break up but there is still silence from his side. So it happens that my birthday is next week and I'm wondering if he's stalling on purpose, just to say something unpleasant to me on my bday or agree to break up on that day, on purpose and maliciously just to spoil this special day for me. Or maybe he's stalling just to "show me" because he's pissed that I want to part ways and I didn't apologise first - like I always used to do - no idea.

 

What can I do and how to force him to meet up, give me back my stuff and delete my photos?

Please help. 

I don't know what to say and do to make him respond in any way, I feel like he is so powerful right now because the next move depends on him and I can't force him to reply no matter what I do. 

Edited December 10, 2019 by doraemon_jay

[assertives]

I just wanted to say, if he waits till your birthday to agree to a breakup, you can choose to not see it as him "spoiling" this special day for you. Instead, see it as the biggest and best birthday present he can ever give you by taking his toxic poison away and giving you your life back! Things will only be going onwards and upwards after that! By the way, you only need one person to breakup to end a relationship. You don't need his acceptance or approval to end things.

 

As for the things and nude photos, I personally would write them off as a lost cause. If your face isn't in them, you can always deny that that's you in the pictures. In future, never EVER agree to take such videos or pictures with a partner. In this day and age, even if the partner is trustworthy, unfortunate incidents such as losing the phone or sending phone in for repair forgetting about the photos or videos could lead to them being leaked out.

 

But if you are really really adamant about getting them back, maybe eat humble pie and apologize to him, then ask to patch back, pretending that all is well and forgiven. Take this opportunity to take all your s*** from his house discreetly, find a way to get access to his phone and delete the stuff you need to before dumping him again and block him.

Edited December 10, 2019 by assertives

[schlumpy]

6 minutes ago, assertives said:

But if you are really really adamant about getting them back, maybe eat humble pie and apologize to him, ask to patch back and all is forgiven. Take this opportunity to take all your s*** from his house, find a way to get access to his phone and delete the stuff you need to before dumping him again and block him.

Devious! I like it.

[doraemon_jay]

12 minutes ago, assertives said:

I just wanted to say, if he waits till your birthday to agree to a breakup, you can choose to not see it as him "spoiling" this special day for you. Instead, see it as the biggest and best birthday present he can ever give you by taking his toxic poison away and giving you your life back! Things will only be going onwards and upwards after that! By the way, you only need one person to breakup to end a relationship. You don't need his acceptance or approval to end things.

 

As for the things and nude photos, I personally would write them off as a lost cause. If your face isn't in them, you can always deny that that's you in the pictures. In future, never EVER agree to take such videos or pictures with a partner. In this day and age, even if the partner is trustworthy, unfortunate incidents such as losing the phone or sending phone in for repair forgetting about the photos or videos could lead to them being leaked out.

 

But if you are really really adamant about getting them back, maybe eat humble pie and apologize to him, then ask to patch back, pretending that all is well and forgiven. Take this opportunity to take all your s*** from his house discreetly, find a way to get access to his phone and delete the stuff you need to before dumping him again and block him.

 

Hey, thanks for the reply!

 

Unfortunately, he must give it back to me, as I've mentioned, he still has spare keys to my apartment! And it's my family's apartment, I'm renting it and staying there so I can't allow him to keep the keys. 

 

Also, your idea wouldn't work cause he still lives with his parents, so no. 

 

 

Any other ideas, anyone ?

 

[introverted1]

Change the locks.  You have no idea if he has made a duplicate key and the only way to protect your home is to have the locks rekeyed.

 

As for the photos and videos, it is super simple to copy these to a laptop or save them to the cloud.  Deleting them in front of you will prove nothing; there could easily be other copies.

 

If you want to break free from this guy, do what you can to protect your interests (eg change locks) and then just block him and walk away.  The longer you try to convince him to meet up, the longer you delay your own healing.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, change the locks. This is the only way to be sure. Even if he gives the keys back, he may have made copies, and may have given them to goodness known who.

 

As intro says, deleting photos and videos is often pointless since it's so easy to make copies. Not like the old days where destroying the negatives means the photos are gone. If you catch him by surprise with a breakup and make him delete them there and then, then you might get lucky and make him delete them before he's had a chance to make backups... but it seems too late for that. Besides, backups are often made automatically, and how are you even going to FORCE him to delete them in front of you? What if he just says "no"? Revenge porn is illegal in many jurisdictions. It may be worth genning up on the laws in your locality. But I think most likely in this case, the more you talk about it and try to get him to delete it, the more it will show how much you care. The best way to deal with this kind of blackmail is just to say "go on then see if I care" and walk away.

 

As for the stuff, what kind of things are you talking about? High value, sentimental value, big and bulky or small items like clothes and toothbrush? Living with his parents could work to your advantage as long as they don't dislike you -  they can act as intermediaries or the voice of reason.

 

[doraemon_jay]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Change the locks.  You have no idea if he has made a duplicate key and the only way to protect your home is to have the locks rekeyed.

 

As for the photos and videos, it is super simple to copy these to a laptop or save them to the cloud.  Deleting them in front of you will prove nothing; there could easily be other copies.

 

If you want to break free from this guy, do what you can to protect your interests (eg change locks) and then just block him and walk away.  The longer you try to convince him to meet up, the longer you delay your own healing.

 

48 minutes ago, PegNosePete said:

Yes, change the locks. This is the only way to be sure. Even if he gives the keys back, he may have made copies, and may have given them to goodness known who.

 

As intro says, deleting photos and videos is often pointless since it's so easy to make copies. Not like the old days where destroying the negatives means the photos are gone. If you catch him by surprise with a breakup and make him delete them there and then, then you might get lucky and make him delete them before he's had a chance to make backups... but it seems too late for that. Besides, backups are often made automatically, and how are you even going to FORCE him to delete them in front of you? What if he just says "no"? Revenge porn is illegal in many jurisdictions. It may be worth genning up on the laws in your locality. But I think most likely in this case, the more you talk about it and try to get him to delete it, the more it will show how much you care. The best way to deal with this kind of blackmail is just to say "go on then see if I care" and walk away.

 

As for the stuff, what kind of things are you talking about? High value, sentimental value, big and bulky or small items like clothes and toothbrush? Living with his parents could work to your advantage as long as they don't dislike you -  they can act as intermediaries or the voice of reason.

 

 

Thanks, guys

 

I'll refer to both.

 

Yeah, you're right about the locks, even if he gives the keys back, I think it'd be best to change them anyway. 

As for the things, these are a few, ranging from books to items worth a few hundred dollars, so yeah... wouldn't like to let go of them.

 

And yeah, I have no idea if he hasn't made copies of the photos and the video onto his laptop yet, although I've never mentioned that I'd like to delete them. 

 

I forgot to mention that in theory he'll have to contact me because I've a book from a library, which is rented under his name so he will have to pay quite a lot of money for losing the book, if he doesn't get it back from me. But maybe he's ok with it and just won't contact me ever again, who knows. 

His parents don't even know about my existence - besides, from what he's told me about them, they're quite toxic as well. There was a more-than-standard age gap between us so we didn't tell our families yet. Now I realised I've subconsciously sensed since the beginning somehow that this relationship is doomed, probably that's why I also didn't tell mine. 

 

My best friend asked me if I want her to text him as well, to knock some sense into him. I said go on. Maybe it'll help. 

 

It irks me that I can't move on and start healing cause I'm the kind of person who needs to have some kind of official closure and final meeting  

 

Edited December 10, 2019 by doraemon_jay

[introverted1]

4 minutes ago, doraemon_jay said:

It irks me that I can't move on and start healing cause I'm the kind of person who needs to have some kind of official closure and final meeting  

 

 

Do yourself a favor and give yourself closure. Waiting for him to provide it just prolongs your healing.  You know this.  His actions are more about him than you; there is nothing he will tell you that will provide the "aha" moment you are looking for.  Your closure should come from your own understanding of why this relationship and this man are not good for you.

[PegNosePete]

Regarding the pics and video, I would simply not mention them. With luck he will forget about them until you're ancient history, and by that time he has nothing to gain by sharing them. If he threatens to use them against you then just say do what you like, I don't care. That is the only way to remove his power. His reason for sharing them would be to hurt you, so the less you care (even if it's an act), the less inclined he'll be to share them.

 

Getting your stuff, if he's not cooperative and doesn't care about the library book then you've only got 2 options really - write them off, or take legal action.

 

Your friend texting him won't help. He will just show his friends and they will laugh at how crazy she is and how mad and upset you are.

 

[d0nnivain]

You are making it harder to break up then has to be.  Box up his stuff drive it over to his parents' house & knock on the door.  Presumably you have met the parents.  Give the stuff to the parents & ask for your stuff back, including the keys.  Assume he made copies of the sexy pictures & videos as well as the keys.   Change the locks immediately.  Speak to a lawyer about the laws concerning revenge porn where you are & have the lawyer write him a letter explaining what penalties await him if he does not delete the images or worse, releases them.  

[doraemon_jay]

6 hours ago, introverted1 said:

 

Do yourself a favor and give yourself closure. Waiting for him to provide it just prolongs your healing.  You know this.  His actions are more about him than you; there is nothing he will tell you that will provide the "aha" moment you are looking for.  Your closure should come from your own understanding of why this relationship and this man are not good for you.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. You don't know how much they are helping me. Especially the last sentence. 

 

 

6 hours ago, PegNosePete said:

Regarding the pics and video, I would simply not mention them. With luck he will forget about them until you're ancient history, and by that time he has nothing to gain by sharing them. If he threatens to use them against you then just say do what you like, I don't care. That is the only way to remove his power. His reason for sharing them would be to hurt you, so the less you care (even if it's an act), the less inclined he'll be to share them.

 

Getting your stuff, if he's not cooperative and doesn't care about the library book then you've only got 2 options really - write them off, or take legal action.

 

Your friend texting him won't help. He will just show his friends and they will laugh at how crazy she is and how mad and upset you are.

 

 

Actually, after I gave your post some thought, I think not mentioning them at all anymore no matter what is the wisest option. I'm really grateful for what you've said, you helped me gain some perspective :)

I spoke to the friend and we've decided that it's better if she doesn't send anything. The scenario of him laughing with his friends at our actions wouldn't take place because he doesn't have any friends, not a single soul... but still, better not to involve anyone else.

 

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are making it harder to break up then has to be.  Box up his stuff drive it over to his parents' house & knock on the door.  Presumably you have met the parents.  Give the stuff to the parents & ask for your stuff back, including the keys.  Assume he made copies of the sexy pictures & videos as well as the keys.   Change the locks immediately.  Speak to a lawyer about the laws concerning revenge porn where you are & have the lawyer write him a letter explaining what penalties await him if he does not delete the images or worse, releases them.  

No, as I said before, they don't even know about my existence. I think I'll just write them off, if he doesn't get in touch with me.

 

Should I block my facebook to him as well in case he wanted to post something indecent on my wall? Or not bother?

[preraph]

Block him everywhere.  Be done with him . And stay off his social media.  

[d0nnivain]

12 minutes ago, doraemon_jay said:

Should I block my facebook to him as well in case he wanted to post something indecent on my wall? Or not bother?

 

 

Get him out of your life in every possible way.  

 

Doesn't matter that his parents don't know about your existence.  Show up, fork over the stuff & demand your stuff back.  they should be horrified that their son behaved this was & should force him to return your belongings.  

Edited December 10, 2019 by d0nnivain