Can anyone explain this?

[an0nym0us123]

This is something that has perplexed me for some time now and hoping i can get some sort of insight. 

 

Back in my early 20s i used to be out a lot partying, grew up in a small village so there werent that many options, people in their late teens and 20s happily mixed and socialised together. Have been looking back and can remember that of the dozen or so girls around half of them tried it on with me at some point. Maybe just the once but some were all over me for months. 2 or 3 of them were extremely pretty. 

There are other times when id meet random women and theyd be all over me or my ex gf who was an attractive young woman with lots of male attention, she was obsessed with me and was delighted to show me off to her friends, to her i was her bit of eye candy.

 

Personally i never saw what these women saw, i never thought my looks were anything to boast about. But there were girls who really fancied me, even recently i was on a date and the girl was messaging me on her way home to tell me how handsome i was. I did like her but she just disappeared. 

 

So taking that on-board im struggling to understand how once upon a time i had extremely good looking women all over me and yet these day i go on date with women my age, early 30s and either they are not interested or they are very interested for a few days before vanishing.

 

I switch from one day thinking i am actually pretty good looking to other days where i feel totally down. 

 

I thought if i had women chase me in the past for my looks with out even trying id be able to find someone now that im attracted to. 

 

Maybe i only appealed to 20 yr old girls? Is that possible?

 

 

[Envy123]

I am in a pretty similar position, actually.

 

The younger, more "model type" women have been the only ones to be interested in me. The older, more "girl next door type" women have never been interested in me.

 

My theory on why this is happening:

 

1. I think I have no chances with "model type" women, so I don't put the pressure on them and that proved to be a turn-on for some of them. On the other hand, I have been quite arrogant in terms of my chances with other women and that proved to be a turn-off for them.
2. The "model type" women have a lot of male attention, so paying them only the same attention as I would with a guy, is more unique for them. On the other hand, this isn't unique for other women.

Reading through your post, I think this similarly applies to you too. Maybe you naturally built the relationships with the younger women and maybe you come across as a bit desperate to people your age.

 

I can't say for sure, but your situation does seem pretty similar to mine.

[d0nnivain]

Young women screen for is the person doing to be fun; they are looking for a good time.   As women age they start to screen for more long term compatibility.  Perhaps you come off as too much of a party boy still & not somebody who wants to settle down & be a responsible husband / father.  

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

...or they are very interested for a few days before vanishing.

 

It sounds like you DID appeal to them to some extent. I've found that it can be a fine line with women and things like relatively minor changes in grooming and posture can make a difference. Also, while women certainly look for attractiveness, I believe that for many of them it's much less of a main driver than it is for many/most men.

 

My belief is that many women, if they had their rathers, would want you to be socially dominant, successful or at least competent and consistently employed, and socially skilled. In fact there have been some threads posted about this sort of thing not too long ago. It's less about attracting and more about impressing to a certain extent. At any rate, perhaps these disappearing 30-somethings are being put off by something unrelated to looks and/or don't see you as potential husband/father material or similar?

Edited December 10, 2019 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

You can attract but you cannot keep the interest of the women you are now dating.
This is not about looks. (Though you may not be actually quite as appealing as you were in days gone by.
Sometimes people get better as they age, others just get worse. Also what is a good looking man to a 20 yo, may not be seen as a good looking man to a 30yo) 
This IS however I guess about the other parts of your personality and general make up that are lacking for these women.
You fail to hold their attention, women I guess who are mainly looking for men who are father/husband material
Men with depth, men who make them feel good,  men who have earning potential, men who are protective, kind and caring.... men with all the good traits.
It is not now enough for you to just show up with a pretty face.

 

[an0nym0us123]

Im not a party boy anymore tbh. I have been credited by several women i dated this past year or so on how great it was for them to meet someone normal and was easy to talk too.

 

As far as impressing them, im not going on dates and talking about money. As i already stated on another thread i own my own house, i am mortgage free. With the land and items related to my business i own id be worth easily 3/4 of a million pounds. I dont think there should be a problem there.

 

Maybe i am good looking to a 20yr old but not a 30yr old, is that even possible? 

 

Ive been in several casual relationships with women my own age, and although they were not 100% my cup of tea or werent compatible for something serious they thought i was hot as hell. But when i get someone i like on a date it doesnt go that way

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Ive been in several casual relationships with women my own age, and although they were not 100% my cup of tea or werent compatible for something serious they thought i was hot as hell. But when i get someone i like on a date it doesnt go that way

If this is happening a lot to you, then I guess, you are to these "suitable" women, the same as these "unsuitable" casual women are to you.
These "classier" women do not see you as something 100% their cup of tea nor do they see you as acceptable for something serious.
You need to look at whether you are pitching at women who are out of your league hence the rejections, or whether you need to up your game to be more acceptable to this "better" class of girl.

[mark clemson]

Yeah, Elaine's point is probably solid. It also sounds like maybe you could keep trying with these "casuals" until one of them sticks? I read somewhere that "settling" is often how families come about (but of course you'll need to decide for yourself whether/when to do that).

[Envy123]

I concur.

 

Being in a similar situation, I have decided that I'd rather stick with the type of woman I attract than to risk it with a new strategy and lose success. I don't doubt that there are women in that subset that I would be happy to have an LTR with.

[an0nym0us123]

I think some times i am punching above my weight, but then i look back and know i also had 10/10 women chase me in my early 20s. Maybe this is warping my thinking. 

 

But also some of the women i have dated in the last year or so, who were attractive, have done things that made me think i have a chance. Like blowing up my phone after the first date and telling me how hot i am. Or messaging me the next day to set up our second date before i even got round to it. 

[elaine567]

You need to suss out why these women are going from mad keen to disappearing.
Something you say or do, is likely turning them off.
Or are there red flags maybe, I just split up  with my ex, I have a bf, I am moving away soon, Let's just see where it goes... My best friend is a guy/my ex/my long term crush, I have never had a long term relationship before... women who have no intention of taking things further.
Is your picker way off kilter.
Do you get to the sex stage or do they bail before then?

[basil67]

5 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

So taking that on-board im struggling to understand how once upon a time i had extremely good looking women all over me and yet these day i go on date with women my age, early 30s and either they are not interested or they are very interested for a few days before vanishing. 

 

If you're getting dates, then your looks aren't the problem.  The problem is a lack of emotional connection on the dates or lots of competition prior to the dates.  

[an0nym0us123]

Well the one who was blowing up my phone with messages was new on tinder, i was her first date and i suspect she didnt realise just how many men she would get looking for her attention. But she was messaging me on her way home from our date to tell me how handsome i was. She just sort of drifted off. A couple of weeks later i actually messaged her asking how she was. I asked if she wanted to meet again and her reply was no, that i was really handsome and funny but no. I asked her why as i was curious. And she said she just didnt miss speaking to me. She was 27

 

The other, who initiated the second date, i dont know what happened on date 4 i landed in bed with her but we never had sex as she was on her period. I do however have one trick up my sleeve in that im bigger than 95% of other men. So she was really excited about seeing me for the 5th time but blew me off the night before i was meant to go to hers.

 

What i will say is the few women i did sleep with on a fwb basis were desperate to have me back as soon as possible. So i obviously did okay in bed. 

 

But the answer is no. I have not had sex with anyone i really fancied and wanted to see where things went with

[an0nym0us123]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

If you're getting dates, then your looks aren't the problem.  The problem is a lack of emotional connection on the dates or lots of competition prior to the dates.  

Unless i am a disappointment? I think im probably using my best pics on tinder etc. But again ive been told i dont disappoint in real life. I actually had a date on saturday night, first one in ages. She was really pretty, we met in a quite pub for drinks before moving to the busy pub and all her friends were there. At the end of the night she said i was really easy to chat with but she didnt feel a spark with me.  

[an0nym0us123]

If anyone asks i will send them a picture of what i look like, established members only though

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I do however have one trick up my sleeve in that im bigger than 95% of other men.

Is that a "trick" or something that needs to be avoided?
Not all women like sex with big men, it can be painful for them if not agony.
It may be a reason some women who know they are small "down there" may be disappearing on you. 

[mark clemson]

Yeah, the theme I'm seeing here isn't that looks are the problem; it's more personality/social interaction. That can be tough, but maybe try to spice up the conversation a bit and inject some humor. Also provide lots of (hopefully sincere) validation without sounding "over the top" on it.

[Envy123]

10 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I think some times i am punching above my weight

 

I think that when you think you are punching above your weight, you are more relaxed with these women and they feel more comfortable around you. As you may think nothing is at stake.

 

But maybe you are giving off a bit of a desperate vibe to those you are attracted to.

 

I agree with mark. It's not looks, it's your interaction with them.

[an0nym0us123]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Is that a "trick" or something that needs to be avoided?
Not all women like sex with big men, it can be painful for them if not agony.
It may be a reason some women who know they are small "down there" may be disappearing on you. 

Well this has not been my experience although i had difficulties with my ex gf to begin with once she was used to it she was more than happy. I would not say i am that enormous to cause pain to most women, most have said i am the "perfect size"

 

But at the end of the day id be going on dates with women who dont know this so if i get rejected its not due to this. 

55 minutes ago, Envy123 said:

 

I think that when you think you are punching above your weight, you are more relaxed with these women and they feel more comfortable around you. As you may think nothing is at stake.

 

But maybe you are giving off a bit of a desperate vibe to those you are attracted to.

 

I agree with mark. It's not looks, it's your interaction with them.

 

Im not in these womens shoes, so i dont know what they think when they are with me. I honestly cannot see how id be coming across as desperate to them. 

 

I would say maybe im probably not the best at "chatting someone up" its just not a skill i have. But i dont have any awkward silences on my dates either, always been able to have a flowing conversation. So i just dont know

[an0nym0us123]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Yeah, the theme I'm seeing here isn't that looks are the problem; it's more personality/social interaction. That can be tough, but maybe try to spice up the conversation a bit and inject some humor. Also provide lots of (hopefully sincere) validation without sounding "over the top" on it.

I dont know what the problem is. Seems i was able to get attention from women when i was 23 but at 33 its much harder, i dont think ive changed much still got my hair and im in shape.  

 

 

[elaine567]

36 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Well this has not been my experience although i had difficulties with my ex gf to begin with once she was used to it she was more than happy. I would not say i am that enormous to cause pain to most women, most have said i am the "perfect size"

OK  but even the one who was highly excited about your size, bailed just before the sex.
Getting "used to it" does not sound like a ringing endorsement...
Look it may not be about your large size but I don't think you can dismiss it totally.
Women always tell guys they are the "perfect size" whatever their dimensions so I would not take that too literally.

[an0nym0us123]

34 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK  but even the one who was highly excited about your size, bailed just before the sex.
Getting "used to it" does not sound like a ringing endorsement...
Look it may not be about your large size but I don't think you can dismiss it totally.
Women always tell guys they are the "perfect size" whatever their dimensions so I would not take that too literally.

My ex had problems relaxing enough to have sex, which she had sought medical help for. Cant remember what it was called. After a bit of trying there was no issue from then on. Everyone else was fine and begging me to come back so doesnt sound that this is in anyways a problem. And im not huge to the point of ridiculous. I think im just under  7 so i dont think there is any issue here. 

 

I dont think this has anything to do with penis size, its either looks or my ability to engage with women or a combination of both. 

Edited December 11, 2019 by an0nym0us123

[chillii]

Always all about looks in these places , l'm not surprised at all then if that's still all you think it's about.

Most half decent women your age now are looking for some depth, yaknow., at least some., personality, and actual compatibility and connection , long term relationship material

Edited December 11, 2019 by chillii

[Envy123]

3 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Im not in these womens shoes, so i dont know what they think when they are with me. I honestly cannot see how id be coming across as desperate to them. 

 

I would say maybe im probably not the best at "chatting someone up" its just not a skill i have. But i dont have any awkward silences on my dates either, always been able to have a flowing conversation. So i just dont know

 

Do you act at all differently with the women who you are attracted to?

 

I’m just saying as I am myself with women who I think are “punching above my weight”. I don’t seek validation with them, so while we do have meaningful conversations, I’m not bothered if they walk away mid-sentence for example. This is because I think I don’t have any chances romantically, so I think “Why bother? She’s probably already taken with an Adonis on Earth anyhow.”

 

While with women who I think are on my level, I still have a conversation with them but I keep thinking in the back of my mind “Oh God, what if she doesn’t like what I have to say?”. It must show through my composure that makes it awkward enough for the both of us.

 

The difference can be subtle.

Edited December 11, 2019 by Envy123

[an0nym0us123]

1 hour ago, Envy123 said:

 

Do you act at all differently with the women who you are attracted to?

 

I’m just saying as I am myself with women who I think are “punching above my weight”. I don’t seek validation with them, so while we do have meaningful conversations, I’m not bothered if they walk away mid-sentence for example. This is because I think I don’t have any chances romantically, so I think “Why bother? She’s probably already taken with an Adonis on Earth anyhow.”

 

While with women who I think are on my level, I still have a conversation with them but I keep thinking in the back of my mind “Oh God, what if she doesn’t like what I have to say?”. It must show through my composure that makes it awkward enough for the both of us.

 

The difference can be subtle.

Looks wise i think some of them are above me but not in any other way have i felt out classed by the women i have been on dates with. I honestly dont think im coming across in a way that would be off putting. And im not clingy between dates either. Im assuming if a woman wants a second date then she is into you at that point, so im not really sure where things go wrong