Fiancee's crazy sister / daughter caught in middle

[2BGoodAgain]

So a little background...

 

I grew up for most of my adolescent/teen life with a father who loved his family but lacked the tools to handle his anger/frustrations at life and basically took it out on me. Never physically abusive, but emotionally. Constantly finding fault, I was a near wreck every day fearing when he'd get home b/c nothing was perfect enough. I didn't understand it then, but I understand it now and have forgiven him and love him. I have also since my mid 20's kept a distance from him by moving out and living on my own; enough distance from toxic people but yet close enough where I can rebuild/work out my relationship with him. It's gotten much better, even though in some ways he's still that person. It wasn't my job to fix him, after all. Just offer tools I've learned to perhaps he can take and learn himself. Something I've accepted.

 

So that's my background. 

 

The current situation. My fiancée and I have been together a few years. She's always told me about her "crazy" sister who since bullied in jr high, has never gone back to school. Been a trouble child and every drama in the family usually revolves around her. She got into a toxic relationship with a guy with his own demons and they got married. They also had a daughter, who is surprisingly sweet and nice and people all around adore her. Go figure, right? A sweet child out of two adults with enough demons to fill a prison. 

 

So my fiancée and her father/mother have been basically held emotional hostage by her sister b/c they adore the child, but can't stand the sister. They stay and tolerate her behavior b/c of this child. And to be perfectly honest, I completely understand why... she is utterly precious. I've fallen quite in love with that child too. If I could adopt her, I would. So coming into this family circle, I knew a lot of what problems my fiancée's sister could be. Yes, I understood every yelling event happened at EVERY holiday and it always involved her sister. Her sister is manipulative, uses passive aggressive tactics, and her arguments never made logical sense, b/c her arguments were always emotional arguments. And I honestly don't believe her sister even KNOWS what she really wants b/c her awareness of self and reality is VERY limited. Her delusions are ridiculous. She's a drama queen or queens. She yells nearly every day, blaming everything on everyone except her dysfunctional hubby or herself. She says she hates her hubs, yet includes him in every holiday event where she grows angry b/c he purposely comes 1hr late, but when he gets there, she's quiet as a perfect wife, whereas before and after he leaves, she's yelling at everyone. 

 

For the next few years, I worked with it. Even though her sister would make snide comments about me or my affect on her child... I ignored it for my fiancée & her niece's sake. And oddly enough, with the passing of my fiancée's father, her niece bonded with me as well. Deeply. Every time we go out, b/c her sperm donor Dad doesn't like to do anything for her child, people naturally assume her niece is my daughter. Prob b/c her niece is so attached to me. Honestly, that child isn't hard to love. For the past 5 years, I've read to her, been to all her b'days and Christmases, always played with her, taught her how to swim, etc. Things I guess a father would do, except her father has no interests outside of himself. Ironically, her mother(my fiancees' sister) is the same. Self absorbed, self seeking, etc. My Fiancee has more motherly instincts than her sister. 

 

I was always aware that her sister didn't like how close her daughter and I were; or the fact that everyone we met would assume I was her father. So I'd be keen not to be too close to her, or limit how often we spend time together. 

 

At any rate, one day, my fiancée pulled her back and was in extreme pain. Having had to go to work, I brought her to her mothers (sister lives there with daughter, even though her hubby has an apartment across the street with a room for her daughter, but she chooses to live with her mother b/c it's just not stable over there and plus the child prefers her grandmother's place where it's quiet... minus her mother and her issues). Her sister gets on her cause about how her condition isn't normal, etc. and starts again yelling. I get between them. Ask her to not yell at her sister. normally I never interfere b/c my fiancée can handle herself, but today it was like watching someone kick your loved one when they're down. Perhaps that day was the last day I was gonna watch a bully get her way. perhaps she reminded me too much of my father and what he did to me and our own family. Whatever the reason was, I wasn't going to have it any more. A bully doesn't respect anyone except a stronger bully. A bully never stops b/c you back down or bow your head, a bully doesn't stop berating you b/c the point of a bully is that he/she themselves are picked on, so they vent by bullying others. They never stop bullying b/c their pain never goes away.

 

So current situation: I'm banned from seeing her daughter, her birthdays, anything associated with her daughter. Forget that I'm the only male figure in her life, or that it's not beneficial to her daughter, but I get it; I'm not her biological daughter nor biologically a family member. Her logic doesn't really make sense, since her hub isn't biologically a family member,  but she concludes that he's married to the family whereas I'm not, to which my fiancée was like, so if I marry him, he is? To which her sister said no, b/c her hub and her were married longer... yeah, no logic. Just emotional arguments with no logic. Also with Christmas coming up, her sister is saying if I'm there for Christmas, she and her daughter won't be. Puts my fiancée and her mother in a uncomfortable situation.

 

I've already told my fiancée about my history with a father who lacked to tools to channel his frustrations/anger and instead took it out on the people he loved the most... his family/me. Tricks they use to make you feel guilty or indebted or always saying that they're the victim; that their anger/actions isn't their fault. That we somehow triggered it and they're blameless for it. So much parallel to my father, I see in her sister. Except I can honestly say her sister has so much bigger issues and uses her daughter as leverage against her mother and sister. 

 

They're just thinking of her daughter's welfare, but I've been telling them, short term gain, but a life time of damage. But it's really up to them to decide to keep going along with it or change it. They're rightfully worried about that little girl; but I've seen what long term damage such an abusive parent can have on a child. At 40+ years of age, I'm still going thru therapy for issues related to the damage my father did to me. I've seen my fiancée's sister rage against her child for not being perfect; for crying when she's upset. Seen that child hold back tears in absolute fear of her mother; not normal or healthy. I fear for that child's long term growth and the damage her mother will inflict on her.

 

So what am I asking after this long donkey post? What should they do? What should I do?

 

I've suggested her sister get therapy, but she's in the denial stage. Her reality is pure fantasy and her perception skewed so much you'd think she was insane. I've suggested worst case, call social services and have them take over custody of that child and do a psych eval on her sister; as you can image, that didn't go well. 

 

Ultimately, there's really nothing I can do without causing more damage; either wait and be patient, but I truly believe that child will suffer for it long term... so something rash and i'll prob be out of that family by all members, regardless of the result. 

 

throw me your ideas... 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

oh. I think what she fears is:

1) losing her sister to me, hence her only connection to anything. (made threats of signing a pre-nup or her sister will never see her niece)

2) frustrations that her hub didn't change after the birth of her daughter. She actually had a daughter with him thinking it'd change him and he hasn't. still the self-absorbed violent prick. (so she takes it out on her family, her frustrations).

3) also, everything she accuses me or her family of; she's describing herself or her hub perfectly. 

[schlumpy]

I think you have the psychology covered so the question is how much can you do to keep the child safe and have an opportunity to be a normal person in the future? That's a good question. Once you are married you will be in a stronger position for access but only if mom allows it and I suspect that the more you display how much you care, the more she will deny contact. I think she sees it as having a certain amount of control. Not much you can do without risking yourself legally. The world today does not recognize that males are hard-wired to protect females. Some of us feel it more keenly then others, but the majority of us feel that way. Instead the pedophilia flag gets raised.

 

You can help from the outside. You can provide some resources for her that you feel will lead her in the right direction. You could offer to pay for music lessons or buy her a subscription to age appropriate magazines. You could sponsor her in the Girl Scouts or Camp fire girls if that is an organization that meets your approval.

 

If she has activities at school attend and cheer her on. Even if you can't have a one-on-one relationship with her you can still lay some paving stones for her to follow.

[mark clemson]

I don't think there's much you can do to be honest. It sounds like this sister may have some sort of personality disorder or very strong tendencies of one. Depending on the country/state, I don't think social services will do much in the absence of verifiable physical abuse. In a way it's no surprise she's a little angel as any stepping out of line is no doubt dealt with harshly by those parents and she's probably trying to please the unpleasable.

 

Schlumpy had some good suggestions as an "uncle" figure. Once the child is fully independent of the parents you may be able to help more with resources for counseling and similar help , etc, which she will no doubt need at some point.  Overall it's an unfortunate situation. Wish I had more/better suggestions but it's hard to get kids taken away from their parents and the foster system has risks of its own.

[preraph]

I think as far as Christmas, you need to ask the grandmother whether you can come or not and I'd get your fiance to let her know if you don't come there, neither does she.  Then it's a choice between the good daughter and the bad daughter, not you and the bad daughter.  

 

But your fiance has to be onboard.  

 

If there is actual abuse, drugs, alcohol, neglect, measurable verifiable abuse, then yes, call CPS.  But she's already living with the grand mom, which is probably where they would have put the girl if they deemed the mother bad.  What if they put her in with HIS parents?  Not good.  It's not up to the bad sister whether you come around or not.  It's up to your fiance and her mom, so be sure you have that straight with your fiance.