Leaving my Narcissist Fiancee

[salvo]

We've been together for 9 years and I've endured all the pain from her I can take.  My soul can't take it anymore. I need help and advice in how to leave her. I'm hoping some other members here have experience dealing with this and can guide me.She is a narcissist (her childhood wound is she was molested by an uncle for multiple years)  after doing much research on the subject I found out she was a  narcissist and it stems from a childhood wound and that was it. 

 

Anyhow 9 years is a long time so you can imagine the details and I'll spare them here but to make a long story extremely short  I've been through it all, multiple lies, cheated on, twisted and hidden stories, silent treatment, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and I can go on. It's a sick cycle and I need to escape it. 

 

We got into an argument over something very petty the other night as she will explode at the tiniest things if I don't agree with her opinion, she is now giving me the silent treatment for 2 days straight (for the thousandth time). The night after the argument she sent me a  text message said it's best we part ways (she's done this so many times). She used to have Wife of @______ -my profile name in her instagram profile and deleted me off,(and no we aren't married just one of the many lies she tells people) kept our pictures up this time but once in a big fight she deleted them too. Again same cycle she will delete it and then I try so hard to fight for her back  and cave in like a sucker and she takes me back but this time I'm done for good but I need help, support, and a plan. I lost a lot of friends early on in our relationship because of her. I have a handful left but I rather come here then to them for advice since they have no experience with a narcissist. I've actually kept it secret from everyone except my parents. 

 

Here's the story. We have one child together, I have full custody of a child from a previous relationship who lives us and she has a son from a previous relationship who is about to graduate high school and go to college next year who lives with us. 

 

She says she doesn't want to be with me but still uses me for one main thing. A place to stay!! This is my house in my name only and I paid my own money for as the down payment. She helps with the electric internet and cable bill. I pay the mortgage and taxes. She even said it's my house and she will leave it when she is ready and she doesn't want to stay here.  Here is the problem she has no money really, lives paycheck to paycheck, typical narcissist she's a compulsive spender and spends all of her check on make up, clothes, and beauty products for herself. She even spends all her sons child support money on herself, I had to buy him his first car but that's another story bc she blows through money like water. Hence why I have several other bank accounts  and cash in a safe she doesn't know about besides the joint account we use to pay bills. 

 

So she has no money to move, this is my house, I'm sleeping on the floor on a blow up air mattress literally with my dog and cat the past couple of nights because she locked the bedroom door and I do not want to fight and go in there anyway. 

 

I'm thinking of leaving my own house but I know she will not go once I leave and may try to stay here permanently, she makes enough money to save up and go get her own place but like I said she blows through her check on herself. I was thinking of giving her money to get out but my fear is she would  blow through it  on herself and not even attempt to move.

 

I know from reading the only way to leave a narcissist for good is to leave and go no contact. How do I do this? I have a teenage daughter  I have custody of from another relationship in school , she plays sports, grew up with her friends in this town, and is a honor student. I'd hate to rip her away from all of that. But I'm so desperate I was thinking of leaving my own house and moving my daughter and pets secretly across the country to be as far as possible from her. My job would allow for me to move but is it be crazy to uproot my daughter, leave my house,  leave the child we have together who,and leave all of my family back here just to escape this miserable life I'm living. And how could I leave the child we have together to be raised by a narcissist. Her own son who is 17 told me she is a narcissist after he learned about it a psychology class he took I just played it off but was like WOW!

 

Her mother lives over a hour away and doesn't have the room for her and her kids in her small apartment,  her dad moved to another country and she has no true friends because she is so twofaced and backstabbed them all. Just a few "new friends" she hasn't shown her true colors to yet. She only has 1close  friend who lives in another country now too so moving in with her isn't an option. So there is literally no option for her to move in with someone temporarily even.

 

I need help and an idea and gameplan to escape this life. I  can't live like this. It's so miserable to be walking on eggshells in your own house with a monster like this. I just want out asap. 

 

Edited December 10, 2019 by salvo

[skywriter]

Salvo, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Since you aren't married is it possible to hold on and pursuade your girlfriend too want to move out? Maybe even if you were to offer to help her to move out. If I were you I'd exhaust every possible way to keep your home. My thoughts at least if you could fake it until you make it.  Appeal to her narcissitic side and make her believe you are actually trying to help her, to move on her way.

[Caauug]

Your house may not be as much yours as you think it is. I would be checking with a divorce lawyer before trying to force her out. I know you are not married but common law can be as good as married after one year together.  

 

My advice if you are truly done with her and want out. Get informed of your rights and what the local laws in your area. Spend some money and see a good divorce lawyer. Plan wisely. 

 

Good Luck.

[Buffer]

Seek legal advice ASAP, then have her move out. Stand by for serious gas lighting.

keep a VAR on you at all times in case she makes any false DV allegations against you.

 

good luck 

[salvo]

3 hours ago, Buffer said:

Seek legal advice ASAP, then have her move out. Stand by for serious gas lighting.

keep a VAR on you at all times in case she makes any false DV allegations against you.

Yeah I think legal advice is the way I may have to go unfortunately. 

11 hours ago, skywriter said:

Salvo, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Since you aren't married is it possible to hold on and pursuade your girlfriend too want to move out? Maybe even if you were to offer to help her to move out. If I were you I'd exhaust every possible way to keep your home. My thoughts at least if you could fake it until you make it.  Appeal to her narcissitic side and make her believe you are actually trying to help her, to move on her way.

I would offer to help her financially to move out but if I give her the money she will just spend it on herself , no way she will use it to actually move out is my fear. 

[d0nnivain]

Do consult a lawyer about how to get her out.  Do also be willing to pay the movers directly.  Hell, help her find a new place to live.  It is a small price to pay to get her out & not have to pay alimony.  You give her no money directly.  You pay the movers & the new landlord.  

 

I once paid moving expense & the security deposit to get an EX (squatter) out of my house.  He promised to pay me back.  Ha.  I didn't care about the money.  I just wanted him gone. 

 

It really is the path of least resistance, especially if it makes her more amenable to giving you custody of your son.  Yes, that sounds bloodless like you are paying for a child but you have to think of the kids' best interest & it's not her. 

 

Consult a lawyer about your custodial rights.  It seems best that you keep the child you share but that may be a tough fight. 

 

Do make a point to say good bye to her son.  Even though he's off to college, your absence after half his life will be a void.  

Edited December 11, 2019 by d0nnivain

[skywriter]

Salvo I hope you speak with an attorney before you make any moves, particularly concerning leaving your home. It's concerning to me when children are involved. They deserve the stability that their home can provide when parents seperate. Then factor in the parent that obviously has some emotional/mental type problems. The children deserve one good anchor and it sound like you are it. I know what you are up against, and the best advice I can give is stand your ground for yourself and your children.

[Watercolors]

I'm all about resources: 

 

https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/coparenting/499-how-to-win-a-custody-battle-against-a-narcissist

 

https://www.survivedivorce.com/divorcing-narcissist

 

https://farzadlaw.com/divorcing-a-narcissist/how-protect-child-narcissistic-father-mother

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-do-instead

 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/01/10-survivors-reveal-what-its-like-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist-and-how-they-thrived-against-all-odds/

 

https://www.quora.com/How-did-you-leave-your-narcissist-relationship-when-you-have-kids-with-them

 

 

[mark clemson]

Do speak to an attorney.

 

Consider spending the $ to get her the place (apartment). E.g. pay the deposit and first/last month rent and then tell her it's set up and she can/should move. Point out how "wonderfully" she can furnish it with her paycheck (she's spending that money on herself). It's a gamble if she refuses to move out, but something to consider.  IF you do this, kiss the money goodbye. Might be well worth it to have her out of your life + if she moves out it MIGHT lessen any legal claim (if she even has any) on your house. Suggest you play your cards pretty close to your chest here, without being obvious about doing that.

 

You could also consider selling the house and then not letting your STBX fiancee move in to the new one. But again speak to an attorney about any plans to get a clear view of possible outcomes.

[hestheone66]

On 12/12/2019 at 12:19 AM, d0nnivain said:

Do consult a lawyer about how to get her out.  Do also be willing to pay the movers directly.  Hell, help her find a new place to live.  It is a small price to pay to get her out & not have to pay alimony.  You give her no money directly.  You pay the movers & the new landlord.  

 

I once paid moving expense & the security deposit to get an EX (squatter) out of my house.  He promised to pay me back.  Ha.  I didn't care about the money.  I just wanted him gone. 

 

It really is the path of least resistance, especially if it makes her more amenable to giving you custody of your son.  Yes, that sounds bloodless like you are paying for a child but you have to think of the kids' best interest & it's not her. 

 

Consult a lawyer about your custodial rights.  It seems best that you keep the child you share but that may be a tough fight. 

 

Do make a point to say good bye to her son.  Even though he's off to college, your absence after half his life will be a void.  

I agree with this.. I had a sponge narcissist who didn't leave after declaring the relationship to be over..I sold my house around the narc moocher. I had another place lined up (rented) and moved my stuff out when he was out one-day. I consulted a lawyer, offered to do mediation on custody which he refused to do so I had my son with me. 

 

If she can't save, unlikely she can afford a lawyer. You have upper hand. 

 

Most importantly keep up the silent treatment it works in your favour and NEVER give any clues on what you're planning....never

[preraph]

I only read to the part where she uses her support check not for her son.  If that is true, that is something a judge can put a stop to.  So you get a judge's order in place (get an attorney) and provide any proof you can that she is misusing the support she gets from her son's father.  Tell the judge you need any support you give her to be accounted for, receipts and see if he will do it.  

 

Of course, you can't move across the country because you share a child.  That being the case, instead of giving her child support, give her joint custody.  Do you make a lot more money than her?  If so, again, you might have to contribute even with joint custody, so it's important you document her bad spending, bad credit ,whatever you can and start with an attorney.  

 

You'll pay less if you just do joint custody.  You might not have to pay much at all IF she agrees to let you have primary custody, but this is very rare a mother agrees to it.  She might if she's that narcissistic, though.  More time for HER.  

 

You need to get an attorney and get advice and get away from her.  After that, even if you have to pay some child support, it may be for a limited time with a reasonable judge who expects both parents to be self-sufficient.  You'll still have to pay a lot of kid expenses, but so will she.  Talk to an attorney before you move out but tell him you want to move NOW and how to best go about it all.  You can't be seen as either abandoning your child and neither can you run off with the child you had together.  

[JoeyArnold]

Can you give her thirty days to get out or else?