Would you give someone who hurt you a second chance?

[getusedtoit]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible but please hear me out because I am feeling so stuck and confused. My ex girlfriend left me earlier this year due to our relationship getting increasingly toxic. I won't put anything lightly and will admit that I was emotionally abusive whenever I got mad and dealt with issues between us in extremely immature and childish ways. She couldn't handle it anymore and left. I begged for her to take me back for a month before I decided to leave her alone and give her space. We didn't talk for three months and in those three months I went to therapy to seek help for my issues. I also used that time to self-reflect and think about why I acted the way I did, read self-help books to help myself become a less angrier person, and pursued my mental growth relentlessly.

 

I initiated contact with her after those three months and we started talking again, really friendly. I asked her recently if she would be open to get back together. She told me that it's been on her mind, that she finds herself wanting to go back to me because talking to me made her realize how much she still loves me. But she can't bring herself to do that because she is still hurting from all that I put her through. She thinks that one day in the future when she feels ready to, we can give it a try, but not right now. I really damaged her. She's traumatized from what we went through and it completely changed her as a person. For her, it's not a matter of not loving me enough. She still loves me deeply and really wishes she could listen to what her heart wants and that is to be with me, but in her head, she knows it makes no sense to go back to a situation that previously caused her so much harm. There's too much risk and she wouldn't be able to handle going through all of that pain a second time and she doesn't think she can be with me right now without having all of this fear and anxiety that things will go bad again. I can't blame someone for feeling so afraid, but most importantly I have no idea what to do when someone is that afraid but is unwilling to let someone try to change their mind.

 

I think I need to let her go and let her heal and process her emotions, but I think if I let her go now that it will kill all chances of us reconciling. I know nothing will ever change if I don't actively try to win back her trust, but at the same time I know that no good can from pushing someone to be ready for something they aren't ready for. I know she still has really strong feelings for me. She told me she doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now and thinks she needs to be alone. That gives me hope that maybe if I return to her in the future, she may think about giving us a chance. I've already told her that I can't be friends with her right now because it hurts too much and told her to contact me if she changes her mind and wants to work things out.

 

But to those who are reading: what would you do if you were in her shoes? Would you want someone to fight for you and show you that they can be trusted, even if they really hurt you previously? That is, knowing they hold themselves accountable for what they did wrong and actively did things to fix their issues? Would you ever be able to trust that they won't hurt you again? Or would you rather be left alone and move on, even if you really do love them a lot?

Edited December 10, 2019 by getusedtoit

[basil67]

I'm so glad you've made these changes in yourself.  Even if it doesn't work out with your ex, it will put you in a better place for future relationships.  

 

For the point you're at now, she's 100% correct to be unwilling to let you try and change her mind.  If she is to come back, this must be her own decision, made with zero persuasion from you.  Likewise, if the relationship needs to be fought for, then it's too broken anyway.   All that said, as you've asked for No Contact unless she wants to get back together, it's highly likely you will slip from her thoughts more and more frequently and she will move on without you.   She'll start going out with her friends, meeting new guys who treat her well and she will make a new future.  As for regaining trust, I wouldn't trust any personality change until it's been constant for a couple of years.  

 

I suggest you start building your own new life and put your new behavioural skills into practice.  

[getusedtoit]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm so glad you've made these changes in yourself.  Even if it doesn't work out with your ex, it will put you in a better place for future relationships.  

 

For the point you're at now, she's 100% correct to be unwilling to let you try and change her mind.  If she is to come back, this must be her own decision, made with zero persuasion from you.  Likewise, if the relationship needs to be fought for, then it's too broken anyway.   All that said, as you've asked for No Contact unless she wants to get back together, it's highly likely you will slip from her thoughts more and more frequently and she will move on without you.   She'll start going out with her friends, meeting new guys who treat her well and she will make a new future.  As for regaining trust, I wouldn't trust any personality change until it's been constant for a couple of years.  

 

I suggest you start building your own new life and put your new behavioural skills into practice.  

 

I am aware that asking for No Contact will make me slip from her thoughts and make her move on. I don't want to have to go down the route of NC but I think if I stick around then I may end up hurting myself and I might even prevent her from properly healing from her pain. What do you suggest I do? How do I give someone the space to heal but keep enough contact so they won't slip completely away from me? She wants to be my friend and wants to talk every day and acknowledges it will be impossible for both of us to move on if we keep at it, but she says she rather has me in her life than not at all. My only problem with that is people have said being her friend will only make it easier for her to let go, but I'm not so sure if that is true if it's evident she still has strong feelings for me. What should I do?

Edited December 10, 2019 by getusedtoit

[d0nnivain]

Neither.  It's not one or the other.  

 

You can't fight for her.  The fight is between her head (she knows you mistreated her & she doesn't trust you) vs. her heart (she still cares for some strange reason).  

 

All you can do is be there, around but not pushing her, showing her by your actions that you are sorting yourself out & you will not be abusive any more. 

 

If you leave her alone to stew, absence will not make the heart grow fonder.  It will be an out of sight, out of mind thing.  

 

Don't smother her.  Don't pester her but do be friendly, warm, cordial & caring.  Perhaps send her a paper holiday card.  Treat her to a holiday bouquet.   Don't press.  You have to let her come back to you but you have to keep the lines of communication open for her to do so.  That is you waiting patiently but not chasing or pressuring her.  You have to slowly get her to trust you again by being sweet but not overly cloying. 

[getusedtoit]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Neither.  It's not one or the other.  

 

You can't fight for her.  The fight is between her head (she knows you mistreated her & she doesn't trust you) vs. her heart (she still cares for some strange reason).  

 

All you can do is be there, around but not pushing her, showing her by your actions that you are sorting yourself out & you will not be abusive any more. 

 

If you leave her alone to stew, absence will not make the heart grow fonder.  It will be an out of sight, out of mind thing.  

 

Don't smother her.  Don't pester her but do be friendly, warm, cordial & caring.  Perhaps send her a paper holiday card.  Treat her to a holiday bouquet.   Don't press.  You have to let her come back to you but you have to keep the lines of communication open for her to do so.  That is you waiting patiently but not chasing or pressuring her.  You have to slowly get her to trust you again by being sweet but not overly cloying. 

 

Before I initiated NC with her, we were texting every day. Calling on the phone a few times a week and talking for hours and hours, sometimes Facetiming. She doesn't want to hang out just yet because she thinks it's a bad idea, I understand, so I never push for it. So, how should I proceed if I want to be friendly but not smothering? Should I still talk to her every day like we were doing previously or should I limit contact to a couple days a week? I don't know how to proceed without going all in. I know I can refrain from talking about reconciliation, but it's a lot harder to gauge how much I should or shouldn't be contacting her during this time.

[d0nnivain]

No daily communication.  Do not talk about reconciliation.  Just show her you are a good guy.  Maybe once per week send her a how are you? text but include something about fun stuff you are doing:   Just checking in; finally got all my Christmas shopping done. Now to wrap all of it.  Are you done? 

 

If you are doing some group thing with people she knows mention that.  Hey a bunch of us are going to [local hangout] on [day].  It'd be fun to see you.   See if she shows up. 

 

Do send her a nice holiday card.  You can even say something cheesy like you are asking Santa for a 2nd chance with her.  

[Can86]

I've been in her position before and he broke my trust to the point of severing all contact despite deeply loving him. I never took him back and this happened 14 years ago. So no, I would not forgive someone who hurt me too much. 

 

The fact that she's still open to communicating is a good sign that she at least wants to be friends and isn't just saying that to avoid hurting you. 

 

You should avoid daily communication to avoid false hopes but keep the line open enough for her to come back on her own accord.

 

Depending on what you said and/or did to hurt her, she needs space to think properly. People can change, but they should only do it for themselves otherwise it's so easy to slip back into old habits. 

Edited December 11, 2019 by Can86

[rjc149]

In my view, the only situations in which reconciliation with an ex girlfriend is 100% off the table forever is if she cheated/monkey-branched and left you for another guy,  or, if there was any sort of physical violence in the relationship (perpetrated by either partner). 

 

Aside from that, time can heal, people can grow, 2nd chances can have successful outcomes. 

[getusedtoit]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

No daily communication.  Do not talk about reconciliation.  Just show her you are a good guy.  Maybe once per week send her a how are you? text but include something about fun stuff you are doing:   Just checking in; finally got all my Christmas shopping done. Now to wrap all of it.  Are you done? 

 

If you are doing some group thing with people she knows mention that.  Hey a bunch of us are going to [local hangout] on [day].  It'd be fun to see you.   See if she shows up. 

 

Do send her a nice holiday card.  You can even say something cheesy like you are asking Santa for a 2nd chance with her.  

 

Thank you so much! I will send her a card for the holidays.

 

6 hours ago, Can86 said:

I've been in her position before and he broke my trust to the point of severing all contact despite deeply loving him. I never took him back and this happened 14 years ago. So no, I would not forgive someone who hurt me too much. 

 

The fact that she's still open to communicating is a good sign that she at least wants to be friends and isn't just saying that to avoid hurting you. 

 

You should avoid daily communication to avoid false hopes but keep the line open enough for her to come back on her own accord.

 

Depending on what you said and/or did to hurt her, she needs space to think properly. People can change, but they should only do it for themselves otherwise it's so easy to slip back into old habits. 

 

I stopped the daily communication for now. I told her we shouldn't talk anymore, not unless it's to talk about us. At this moment I think it makes more sense to leave her alone and give her space to heal like you said. Maybe I'll reach out again after a couple of months? Is that too long, or too soon?

 

4 hours ago, rjc149 said:

In my view, the only situations in which reconciliation with an ex girlfriend is 100% off the table forever is if she cheated/monkey-branched and left you for another guy,  or, if there was any sort of physical violence in the relationship (perpetrated by either partner). 

 

Aside from that, time can heal, people can grow, 2nd chances can have successful outcomes. 

 

Yes I'm hoping that time will heal all and hopefully when the dust settles she'll have more clarity to think about what she wants. Thank you for your response!

Edited December 11, 2019 by getusedtoit

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

There are waaaay to many single people out there to just be handing out second chances like hot cakes... If they EARN the second chance, then maybe, but otherwise, beat it!

[getusedtoit]

7 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

There are waaaay to many single people out there to just be handing out second chances like hot cakes... If they EARN the second chance, then maybe, but otherwise, beat it!

 

How do you suggest someone goes about earning a second chance in my situation?

[2BGoodAgain]

2nd chance?

 

yes and no...

 

yes, if they've hit ROCK bottom and not only do they choose to make a chance for the better, but their actions actually show that they do... so if you do give them a 2nd chance, verify verify verify.... do not accept them wholly back into your life... make them work for it. if they give up, then they weren't that serious for a 2nd chance in the first place.

 

and no... if any of the above isn't true.

 

There are steps they must do to deserve that 2nd chance. There are resources out there that will help you find those steps and it'll give you a good chance to discern if the people seeking that 2nd chance is serious or not. Sometimes they believe themselves they're serious but relapse. 

 

Good luck!

[getusedtoit]

22 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

2nd chance?

 

yes and no...

 

yes, if they've hit ROCK bottom and not only do they choose to make a chance for the better, but their actions actually show that they do... so if you do give them a 2nd chance, verify verify verify.... do not accept them wholly back into your life... make them work for it. if they give up, then they weren't that serious for a 2nd chance in the first place.

 

and no... if any of the above isn't true.

 

There are steps they must do to deserve that 2nd chance. There are resources out there that will help you find those steps and it'll give you a good chance to discern if the people seeking that 2nd chance is serious or not. Sometimes they believe themselves they're serious but relapse. 

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you very much for your response. I am willing to work for a second chance, it is my ex telling me she isn't ready right now that is holding me back. I suppose the fact that I suggested NC gives the impression that I am giving up, but in reality I'm just trying to let her heal. How long should I give her space for until I reach back out and take things extremely slow?

[2BGoodAgain]

I know. I was giving you what I would tell her, and in that way, perhaps you can figure out what you'll do next.

 

hint: by giving her the resources or steps to verifying your actions, it may build a joint plan that you two can follow together and it'll help her trust you more step by step, time by time, as you two take the steps TOGETHER.

 

in the meantime, keep getting therapy so when she is ready to join you on this journey, you won't relapse. and remember, whether or not to take you back is on her. do NOT pressure her. even if she accepts, if she's not ready, it'll blow up in your face and you'll both be damaged.

 

good luck to you.

[getusedtoit]

6 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

I know. I was giving you what I would tell her, and in that way, perhaps you can figure out what you'll do next.

 

hint: by giving her the resources or steps to verifying your actions, it may build a joint plan that you two can follow together and it'll help her trust you more step by step, time by time, as you two take the steps TOGETHER.

 

in the meantime, keep getting therapy so when she is ready to join you on this journey, you won't relapse. and remember, whether or not to take you back is on her. do NOT pressure her. even if she accepts, if she's not ready, it'll blow up in your face and you'll both be damaged.

 

good luck to you.

 

Thank you very much for your thoughts.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

8 hours ago, getusedtoit said:

 

How do you suggest someone goes about earning a second chance in my situation?

 

If the person is forcing a breakdown in communication, all you can really do is just tell them that you are ready to earn a second chance with them and leave it at that, being too abrasive can be bad, so you let it air afterwards.

[mark clemson]

On 12/10/2019 at 1:59 PM, getusedtoit said:

So, how should I proceed if I want to be friendly but not smothering? Should I still talk to her every day like we were doing previously or should I limit contact to a couple days a week? I don't know how to proceed without going all in. I know I can refrain from talking about reconciliation, but it's a lot harder to gauge how much I should or shouldn't be contacting her during this time.

 

We can't actually tell you that. Every person is a little bit different. My suggestion would be you explain your intent (you are attempting to show your sincerity by being around/available but aren't sure how much contact she'd like) and ask her what she thinks is the right level of communication. This might also help her feel a little more in control of things.

[d0nnivain]

On 12/11/2019 at 6:24 PM, getusedtoit said:

 I told her we shouldn't talk anymore, not unless it's to talk about us. At this moment I think it makes more sense to leave her alone and give her space to heal like you said. Maybe I'll reach out again after a couple of months? Is that too long, or too soon?

 

NOOOOOOOOOOO!  You have this all wrong.  

 

You should talk about everything other then your relationship.  She needs to see you as a whole man & interesting partner, somebody she can rely on whose company she enjoys.     If you up & disappear all she will think is that you ghosted & are done.  

 

Silence makes everything worse.  Communication fixes the problem but talk is cheap.  She needs to see you & interact with you & you have to be a good guy not that toxic person that caused the break up. 

 

20 hours ago, getusedtoit said:

 

How do you suggest someone goes about earning a second chance in my situation?

 

You show up regularly, not daily but maybe every 7 - 10 days.   You be nice to her.  You listen to her.   You be there for her.   She needs to see your actions as proving you are a good person worthy of her trust.  

 

20 hours ago, getusedtoit said:

I am willing to work for a second chance, it is my ex telling me she isn't ready right now that is holding me back. I suppose the fact that I suggested NC gives the impression that I am giving up, but in reality I'm just trying to let her heal. How long should I give her space for until I reach back out and take things extremely slow?

 

Stop pressuring her but do not disappear.  Make sure she knows what is going on with you & that you are open to reconciliation but it's at her pace.  Be transparent.  Don't be doing anything that could hurt her feelings.   

 

Send the holiday card, like we talked about above.   Let her know when you will be doing group things that she can attend.   For example -- if you are going out with friends shoot her a note.  Hey, me & the  guys are going to corner pub to shoot pool.  You & your girls should pop by.   Or something more low key:  Hey, I'm running to the mall for some last minute gifts, wanna come?  

 

In early February send a funny-ish not mushy sentimental Valentine card in the mail.  Nothing super serious just something that says Happy Valentine's Day.  You can mention in that card that you miss her & you'd still like to try again.   A few days after you send that ask her on an actual date.  

 

If she hasn't come around by Spring, give up.  

 

[getusedtoit]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You should talk about everything other then your relationship.  She needs to see you as a whole man & interesting partner, somebody she can rely on whose company she enjoys.     If you up & disappear all she will think is that you ghosted & are done.  

 

Silence makes everything worse.  Communication fixes the problem but talk is cheap.  She needs to see you & interact with you & you have to be a good guy not that toxic person that caused the break up. 

 

You show up regularly, not daily but maybe every 7 - 10 days.   You be nice to her.  You listen to her.   You be there for her.   She needs to see your actions as proving you are a good person worthy of her trust.  

 

Stop pressuring her but do not disappear.  Make sure she knows what is going on with you & that you are open to reconciliation but it's at her pace.  Be transparent.  Don't be doing anything that could hurt her feelings.   

 

Thank you again d0nnivain for your insight. Here's the problem that makes staying in contact so difficult: she wants to move on. After talking regularly for months, I asked her if she would like to hang out in person. She came close to agreeing once, but ultimately backtracked and said it would be a bad idea because it would prevent us both from moving on. So, there's not much I can do if she won't see me in person and I think it points to her being serious about wanting to move on and not complicate anything because she knows how much it would set both of us back if we spend time together. 

 

I really don't want to have to ghost her or give off the impression that I am done. I realize I pressured her a lot into giving us a chance because I kept talking about it and that stemmed from the anxiety of not knowing where I stand in her life. At the end of the day she told me she just doesn't know what she wants. She's confused about what she's feeling but ultimately just terrified of getting hurt and losing herself again. I think I need to back off and really give her time to not only think about what she wants but also come to her own conclusion about whether or not she can move on from her pain, without me being around to complicate things.

 

So, if she doesn't even want to see me, for the reasons I mentioned above—should I take that as a sign that I should give up?

[2BGoodAgain]

focus on improving YOU.

 

if you two meet/talk/chat again.. then let's see. But don't hold your breath or revolve any improvements thinking you're getting her back.

 

Focus on YOU, be a better YOU, make better choices for YOU....

[getusedtoit]

23 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

focus on improving YOU.

 

if you two meet/talk/chat again.. then let's see. But don't hold your breath or revolve any improvements thinking you're getting her back.

 

Focus on YOU, be a better YOU, make better choices for YOU....

 

Thank you for your insight! I hear you. I've been focusing on improving myself all year. I am actually doing a lot better than I ever had and it really feels like I'm starting a new chapter in my life in regards to all the things I have going on for myself, so there's nothing that I am dissatisfied or unhappy with. This is the only thing bugging me because it feels like this is a volatile situation. I believe it's up to me to prove to someone I deserve a second chance, I just don't know the right way to go about it which is why it's so hard to let go and ignore. I don't want to lose her, I don't know how to make that any more evident to her unfortunately.

Edited December 13, 2019 by getusedtoit

[mark clemson]

Hmm. I think if you've been maintaining "orbit" for months but she still doesn't want to meet in person for fear of a setback to her firm decision to move on then perhaps it's time to throw in the towel on this. You may not want to, but perhaps like a gambling addict you're throwing good money after bad.

 

What you've been trying hasn't worked. Consider flipping the script. YOU make a firm decision to move on and carry it forward. Don't look back. IF she comes to you asking to spend time, etc then spend a little with her but insist on a relationship or nothing. She will probably say no. Accept that and move on. There is a small chance she will decide she wants you back, in which case you can re-engage with her.

 

The bad thing about this plan is it will likely end the relationship (high probability). The good thing is it might get her to value you you more when she realizes she's lost you and then wants you back (low, but real, probability). The reason I suggest this plan is that from most of what you say she has already decided to end things and you're just not able to fully accept it. This is understandable, but ultimately it's detrimental to you as you're focusing your time and mental energy on what is most likely a dead end.

[getusedtoit]

34 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. I think if you've been maintaining "orbit" for months but she still doesn't want to meet in person for fear of a setback to her firm decision to move on then perhaps it's time to throw in the towel on this. You may not want to, but perhaps like a gambling addict you're throwing good money after bad.

 

What you've been trying hasn't worked. Consider flipping the script. YOU make a firm decision to move on and carry it forward. Don't look back. IF she comes to you asking to spend time, etc then spend a little with her but insist on a relationship or nothing. She will probably say no. Accept that and move on. There is a small chance she will decide she wants you back, in which case you can re-engage with her.

 

The bad thing about this plan is it will likely end the relationship (high probability). The good thing is it might get her to value you you more when she realizes she's lost you and then wants you back (low, but real, probability). The reason I suggest this plan is that from most of what you say she has already decided to end things and you're just not able to fully accept it. This is understandable, but ultimately it's detrimental to you as you're focusing your time and mental energy on what is most likely a dead end.

 

I think you're right. It's been hard to give up because a lot of her actions/words point to hope existing. But, I just can't deal with the uncertainty on her end. I guess it just makes sense at this point to walk away and let her return if she ever decides she wants to give this another chance. It just doesn't really seem like it makes sense anymore for me to keep trying when I'm being thrown the most confusing mixed messages. Thank you for your insight!

Edited December 13, 2019 by getusedtoit

[2BGoodAgain]

On ‎12‎/‎13‎/‎2019 at 2:16 PM, getusedtoit said:

 

Thank you for your insight! I hear you. I've been focusing on improving myself all year. I am actually doing a lot better than I ever had and it really feels like I'm starting a new chapter in my life in regards to all the things I have going on for myself, so there's nothing that I am dissatisfied or unhappy with. This is the only thing bugging me because it feels like this is a volatile situation. I believe it's up to me to prove to someone I deserve a second chance, I just don't know the right way to go about it which is why it's so hard to let go and ignore. I don't want to lose her, I don't know how to make that any more evident to her unfortunately.

 

you can't really change a person's mind... they do it. 

 

after you've done all that you can (legally.. and let's stay in the legal realm)… at that point, it's really up to you.

 

so don't let it hang you up!

[getusedtoit]

15 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

 

you can't really change a person's mind... they do it. 

 

after you've done all that you can (legally.. and let's stay in the legal realm)… at that point, it's really up to you.

 

so don't let it hang you up!

 

After getting some insight from others on this thread, I think it might be best to just stay away. I still love her a lot and want nothing more than to fight for her, but you make a very good point in saying that no matter what I do I can't really change someone's mind. I've showed her as much as I could that I am truly remorseful for how I behaved and she knows herself that I have changed. Whether or not she wants to give it another shot has to be her choice and I just can't be around trying to pressure her into anything she doesn't feel ready for.

 

With that being said, should I break NC to wish her a Merry Christmas next week or should I also leave it alone? I don't want her to think I don't care. I'm the one who told her not to reach out to me unless she wants to talk about us reconciling.