Broke up with ex, did not institute NC, now lost.

[BRKGBAD]

So by sheer chance I stumbled across this forum, and what better place to ask the questions that are spinning like a whirlwind inside my head, and heart. This will be a long one, fellas.

 

In Sept 2018 I met a girl off Tinder. We went out to eat, for some drinks, and on the way out to the parking lot (I thought to say goodbye), SHE actually said to me "So what else are we going to do tonight?" while pulling me closer to her. You guessed it, I went back to her place and we hooked up. It was probably the best sex I'd had in years, and we went another 2 times after that even. After sex we were in her kitchen talking. She told me that she has a "f***ed up history" and that "she f***s everything up", I sort of scoffed at this and said "what do you mean?" and she said her mom had just died a few months prior, but that they were estranged. I offered condolences and conversation changed to something else. That night, though, something about her just f***ing hooked me immediately.

 

No long thereafter I noticed 'delays' or periods of time in which she wouldn't respond to me. Instinct drove me to ask her if she was seeing someone else. Oddly enough, she was. At the time she met me she had also met another guy and was also sleeping with him. I wanted no part of that, so I told her that her and I could date, and see where things go, or she can choose him, but she's not going to play me like that. Via text, words were exchanged, I don't remember exactly but the jist was me defending my 'honor' and saying I won't be with a woman who sleeps with multiple men, it goes against what I believe in dating/relationships. Conversation ended poorly. She decided to choose man #2.

Fast forward 2 months later. I'm beating myself up over it because I felt something for this girl that I haven't for anyone before - including all my previous ex's. This was an overwhelming sense of desire, attraction, and willingness to take things as far as they would go (dating>relationship, etc.) NEVER in my life have I ever responded this way, and I was borderline devastated that I didn't have a chance with her so to speak. Randomly, the night after Thanksgiving 2018, she texts me. First it was "I'm surprised you didn't block my number", and then she went into a series of apologies saying she made a really stupid decision and felt something with me that she has never felt, and that this other guy didn't compare to me and she was ending things with him right then and there. She begged me to give her another chance, and I did, reluctantly, because she chose another man over me at first. The feelings I felt for her overwhelmed logic and I gave her another chance.

 

A few days pass and we meet up for dinner. From that moment on, we dated and remained in a relationship until recently (ironically, almost a year to the date we began dating.)

 

In the beginning, things were perfect. Great, frequent sex, going out to eat, making plans to do fun things (concerts, shooting range, road trips, etc.) and all seemed well. I needed surgery in Feb 2018 and while she seemed supportive, this is where red flags started popping up. I had rotator cuff surgery and I'm sure many of you know, the healing process is long, and hard. Weeks and weeks and weeks of PT, you can't drive while in the sling, constant pain, etc. s*** even now 10 months later I still have daily pain in that shoulder. Anyway, when I was first out of the hospital she helped get me set up in bed, and came by the first few days. She would sporadically come by to check on me and hang out since I couldn't go anywhere, mostly on weekends. This continued for about the first 4 weeks out of surgery. I (against doctor's orders) started driving at that point, but only for necessities and if I couldn't get someone else to help me out. The doctor reiterated to keep the sling on for 2-3 more weeks and insisted I don't drive. Well, I got the sling off and started to resume my normal activities. About a week later, my ex 'confronted' me at my house about "how often I drive over her house to see her". She was upset that I wasn't driving over very often. Keep in mind, I had only been 'back on the road' for about a week or two at this point and I had already been over her house once after the surgery. I felt attacked, because she was visibly upset and insinuating that I didn't care about her enough to go over her house to see her. I did my best to keep cool, but I defended myself telling her she knows I just had surgery and just got back to driving, and then when I asked why she is bringing this up in such a hostile manner, she got even more upset and started to cry. We talked through this argument, and I told her that now that I drive I will visit her as often as I can.

 

And I did. Given our schedules, she would work doubles some days (16hr shifts) and I had late nights too, so between those and other life responsibilities, I would generally go over her house 1 or 2 times between Monday - Friday, and she would come over on the weekends. This seemed to work for a few months.

 

In the months after that first 'fight', little things started to worry me. She had a problem with how my kitchen was organized to the point she physically would throw her arms around and say "I can't deal with this" because it gave her "OCD". After about 3-4 times of her bringing this 'issue' up to me, I raised my tone and said "If you have such a problem with it, fix it." So, she did just that. Spent a good hour re-arranging my kitchen. Hey, free labor and cleaning, no sweat off my brow. As time went on, other things would crop up. She didn't like the way I drove, would make comments that I "brake too hard", despite me explaining that a 500+ horsepower car brakes differently than most other cars. She didn't like the way I disciplined my dog, she didn't like the things I ate (chicken and greens, mostly, since I frequent the gym) and even when it came to small, stupid things she never seemed to trust me. Her doctor recommended eye drops for her dry eyes, I actually may have Sjogren's so I deal with dry eyes all the time, and I suggested drops to buy since I have tried most of the ones out there. Her response: "No, that's ok, I will pick the ones I want out." This wasn't the first time she wouldn't take a suggestion, or would shut me down when I would talk about stuff.  I finally asked her why she doesn't seem to trust me, or shuts down all of my suggestions with no consideration, she immediately got defensive and yelled at me that "she's allowed to make her own choices, she's a grown woman". I acknowledged that, and told her I wasn't making demands just suggestions and I would've thought she could trust me enough to at least give one (any) of my suggestions a try. This extended beyond eye drops and applied to foods, TV shows, you name it.

 

So despite these 'issues', the relationship chugged along. I planned concert trips for us, road trips, you name it.

 

Eventually, in the spring of 2018, we started to plan a vacation to Vegas. I've been there a few times so I was surprised when she defaulted to my judgement as far as hotels, airline, etc. Anyway, this was going to be our first real 'test' of living together for a week. Right before the trip (the night before, actually) I got super sick with some type of head cold. Extreme congestion, lethargy, headaches, etc. I did my absolute best to medicate and go forward with the trip since we had already spent some money on plane tickets and what not. During the vacation, at first things were cool. We were exploring, having a good time. One morning I wasn't feeling too well and she wanted to go to the pool. I told her I was going to stay in bed for awhile. She didn't like this, made a few comments which spurred yet another argument. She started bringing up the old stuff about me not coming over her house (despite the fact that I regularly went over her house), I got upset that she was bringing up old s*** just to fight, she sprang into a well of tears and we both said things we didn't mean. She eventually admitted to me that her ex husband did things to her that caused her serious emotional trauma (you can guess what it was), and that was why she responded the way she did.

 

After Vegas (which was late August), she became very distant. She was with me, but not there at the same time, almost like she was stuck in her head. She confided in me she thought about suicide recently and had her brother "hide her gun" (this girl works for local government, too). This scared me but also showed me she is deeply, deeply emotionally wounded from her past. Throughout the remaining weeks after our vacation, sex was not initiated naturally. I had to literally ask her to have sex, because she wouldn't just make out with me anymore, or give me compliments like she used to (despite the fact I would with her). 

 

Then, the breakup. 

 

The day after thanksgiving she had plans that weekend to put up some Christmas decorations. Original plan was to go over her house Saturday, but I can't spend the night because I have a dog at home. She lives with her brother so he can watch her dogs which allowed her to sleep over my house. I had a thought, I called her and asked her to come spend the night Saturday, and when we woke up Sunday I would feed my dog and go over her house all day sunday to do the decorations. She absolutely flipped s*** on me, and got SUPER nasty. Didn't say a word to me after the call. I messaged her on FB and told her I didn't appreciate the attitude, I was only making a suggestion so we could see each other more, and that I can't deal with someone constantly talking to me like that any time any level of conflict - even small - would arise. Not only that, she refused to talk about it like an adult. It was an immediate temper tantrum on her end. This destroys me because I love/loved her so much that I was shocked someone who loved me too was talking to me in this way.

 

She then responds on FB that she is done with the relationship because I "never want to see her", "find excuses not to see her", and "just when she felt comfortable putting up decorations, I ruined it by changing plans" when all I wanted to do was to put the decorations up Sunday, not Saturday, so we could spend more time together.

 

Needless to say, I was new to this type of love and relationship (I've had prior ones, but never felt this way, or this strongly) and totally had no clue about the NC rule, or how to treat an ex during a breakup. I did my best via text and facebook to get her to stop being mad, and to see what we had and work through it like adults, to talk our problems out, etc. At this point, though, she "had enough" of whatever it was she believed I did wrong. I tried for days via text to spill my heart out, how I felt, just in hopes she was acting crazy and would come to her senses. Nothing I tried, worked. She cold shouldered me despite me pouring my heart out. Then, out of sheer instinct yet again, I loaded up Tinder and guess who was the first profile that popped up? Hers. I confronted her again via text as I felt she was slapping me in the face, s***ting all over what we had and was already out there looking to get f***ed. She didn't respond. So, I did. In a bout of rage and anger, I took a bag of her things (pajama pants, slippers, a shirt), drove to her house and tossed it in her front yard. Didn't hear anything again for days. After this she also deleted her tinder profile. Over this weekend, I learned A LOT - specifically about "getting an ex back" as well as emotionally unavailable women/narcissistic women. Many things described about those types of women fit her. Trouble dealing with conflict, blaming the other partner for things she's guilty of, being distant, not willing to discuss her deep emotions or even sex beyond the act itself, red flag telling me she "f***s everything up", etc. Throughout all of this she blames me for "not caring enough" or "showing enough effort", when, in fact, SHE was the one unwilling to really go out of her way to make things work. I tried so hard to get us on a path to live together, but she didn't seem to want to make any effort (getting our dogs to get along, financial concerns, etc.)

 

I split my responses to her at times pointing the finger at her, and at other times apologizing thinking that was what she needed to hear. As of today, nothing has changed. She's mailing me my key back apparently (finally, after I've asked 4 times over almost 2 weeks) and also apparently wants nothing to do with me. She has not blocked my number or my FB, but she has updated her status to single.

 

IF you made it through that wall of text, here's where I need some input. As of right now, I am in full NC mode. I am focusing on myself, I am crushing it at the gym, losing weight, eating better, etc. In the midst of this, I am heartbroken, alone, and depressed. I wish for nothing more than a chance to just talk to her, to get her to see that I was (and kinda still am) willing to help her through her emotional battles in life because she's so scarred and I love her, but it seems like she's completely done with me (despite every now and then responding to me, not blocking me, not mailing my key back, etc.) This pain hurts more than anything I've ever experienced in my adult life (I am 32, she is 36) and my soul is screaming to try everything to get her back because I genuinely thought she was the one - there were definitely moments of pure bliss, happiness, and we were finishing each other's sentences on a regular basis. It seemed SO right. Reading about emotionally unavailable women and/or narcissistic women has made it clear that, if she falls into this category, her past relationship trauma, childhood trauma (parents did bad s*** to her) and her insecurity may very well be causing her to run from commitment when she feels there's a possibility that she may get hurt, or feel vulnerable. I understand she can't control this, but I am willing to dedicate my life to this woman but at the same time I see the writing on the wall and just need some random unbiased internet input on what to do here.

 

Do I wait 30 days, and do something different? Do I go on social media and make my posts public and post my gym progress, or happy times with friends and family in hopes she sees that I am confident enough to move on without her and not make my house a jail? Do I give up any and all hope, and assume this woman simply has issues and leave it to her and some other dude to figure out? My family is telling me to cut my losses, that she did me a favor, that our relationship may have "felt" real, but that she isn't really "present" in it and until she works through her emotional problems, things will not change. I want nothing more than to be her shoulder to cry on, and to be there for her, but it appears she wants nothing to do with me and I may have f***ed my chances completely at this point.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 11, 2019 by BRKGBAD

[d0nnivain]

What you do is get your head examined.  I don't know if it was the sex or the anesthesia did something to your brain when you had the shoulder surgery but loving this nut job is  a 1 way ticket to crazy town.  She admitted to you that she was a mess when you met her.  You didn't believe her.  You caved on your own principles & tried to have a relationship with her but she proved very selfish.  How do you excuse a woman who complains that you won't risk your life & the lives of other motorists on the road to drive against doctors order?  How do you justify wanting to be with somebody who won't even let you sleep when you are sick?  She could have gone to the pool in Vegas alone for a few hours.  Heck, my husband took a sight seeing tour on our HM while I was in the hotel bed asleep, except when I got up to puke.  It was one of the few nights we were in the same hotel for 2 days & it gave me a chance to rest so I could power through the rest of the trip. I can't imagine him being so selfish as to expect me to play with him when I felt to bad.  

 

Seriously she's not a nice person.  Do grieve the loss of what you wanted the relationship to be.  It was never actually as good as you are romanticizing it to be.  Live your life & stop bothering about her.  Then next spring when you are all buff from the gym, go meet a sane woman to date.  

[fromheart]

"She told me that she has a "f***ed up history" and that "she f***s everything up"

Anddddd that's where you leave forever. 
She's seeing someone else also?!  Really??  Well, what a surprise! Probably  STD's as well as madness.  She sounds great.

You then stick around and she chooses the other man over you.  What a fine story to tell your future grandkids. 

Not being content with this amazing start to love, you stick around some more just in case she turns out to be the woman of your dreams.  For some strange, unforeseen reason she turns out to be a complete nightmare.

So, I've got to ask you.  Why did YOU choose this particular situation?  Millions of women in this world, yet you are settling for garbage and abuse. 

Forgive the sarcasm, but I used to make the same decisions once.  You've got to snap the F out of it and wake up.  Otherwise, you will be a magnet for the insane.

[fromheart]

Needless to say, I was new to this type of love and relationship (I've had prior ones, but never felt this way, or this strongly)


No, you don't love her because you don't love yourself.  If you loved yourself, you wouldn't tolerate abuse.  If you loved yourself, you wouldn't let yourself be abused when you are sick and injured, least of all healthy.   These women always give abuse when you are sick.  Been there.

You've been in a pain addiction, which you have confused for love.  She gets nasty, but if you can just tolerate her nastiness for a little longer she'll calm done and become the woman of your dreams.  And the circle continues.

She needs help and is unfit for any form of intimacy. 

And you must make better choices.  The damage from these sort of partners can take much self work to recover from.

Edited December 11, 2019 by fromheart

[Highndry]

You have extremely low standards. Why would you want a girlfriend who hangs out on Tinder and bangs guys the first night? She's only ever a few drinks and an hour or two away from getting pounded by another dude. Yuck.

[BRKGBAD]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

What you do is get your head examined.  I don't know if it was the sex or the anesthesia did something to your brain when you had the shoulder surgery but loving this nut job is  a 1 way ticket to crazy town.  She admitted to you that she was a mess when you met her.  You didn't believe her.  You caved on your own principles & tried to have a relationship with her but she proved very selfish.  How do you excuse a woman who complains that you won't risk your life & the lives of other motorists on the road to drive against doctors order?  How do you justify wanting to be with somebody who won't even let you sleep when you are sick?  She could have gone to the pool in Vegas alone for a few hours.  Heck, my husband took a sight seeing tour on our HM while I was in the hotel bed asleep, except when I got up to puke.  It was one of the few nights we were in the same hotel for 2 days & it gave me a chance to rest so I could power through the rest of the trip. I can't imagine him being so selfish as to expect me to play with him when I felt to bad.  

 

Seriously she's not a nice person.  Do grieve the loss of what you wanted the relationship to be.  It was never actually as good as you are romanticizing it to be.  Live your life & stop bothering about her.  Then next spring when you are all buff from the gym, go meet a sane woman to date.  

 

You're right with everything you've said. I agree that I am in many ways romanticizing the relationship, but obviously this post was the bad s***, there was genuinely a lot of good, too. Unfortunately the bad tends to shine through the good, especially when it manifests like this. 

 

I'm doing my absolute best to move forward. I'm grieving every day because maybe I did want to see the best in her, and I knew she was hurt from prior relationships and as we grew closer I wanted to be the person to be there for her, and help her through. 

 

Unfortunately I do believe she's a narcissistic, emotionally unavailable woman and it's going to take time to sort out the good stuff from the bad stuff mentally and let myself move past this. 

 

 

 

2 hours ago, fromheart said:

"She told me that she has a "f***ed up history" and that "she f***s everything up"

Anddddd that's where you leave forever. 
She's seeing someone else also?!  Really??  Well, what a surprise! Probably  STD's as well as madness.  She sounds great.

You then stick around and she chooses the other man over you.  What a fine story to tell your future grandkids. 

Not being content with this amazing start to love, you stick around some more just in case she turns out to be the woman of your dreams.  For some strange, unforeseen reason she turns out to be a complete nightmare.

So, I've got to ask you.  Why did YOU choose this particular situation?  Millions of women in this world, yet you are settling for garbage and abuse. 

Forgive the sarcasm, but I used to make the same decisions once.  You've got to snap the F out of it and wake up.  Otherwise, you will be a magnet for the insane.

 

I am not one to just close the door on partners because of one mistake. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. My downfall here seems to be romanticizing what she and I had, as well as ignoring abuse because I felt bad for her. I do take blame for not moving on sooner, but sometimes when you think you love someone, those emotions can, from time to time, overcome logic. 

 

I guess I was blinded. She has a decent job, house, car, and seemed like she genuinely wanted to settle down with someone. She can't have kids and I don't want kids so that was also a big positive to the relationship at first. I like to see the good in people but as history shows, I tend to get burned a lot by doing that. 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, fromheart said:

Needless to say, I was new to this type of love and relationship (I've had prior ones, but never felt this way, or this strongly)


No, you don't love her because you don't love yourself.  If you loved yourself, you wouldn't tolerate abuse.  If you loved yourself, you wouldn't let yourself be abused when you are sick and injured, least of all healthy.   These women always give abuse when you are sick.  Been there.

You've been in a pain addiction, which you have confused for love.  She gets nasty, but if you can just tolerate her nastiness for a little longer she'll calm done and become the woman of your dreams.  And the circle continues.

She needs help and is unfit for any form of intimacy. 

And you must make better choices.  The damage from these sort of partners can take much self work to recover from.

 

I can't even begin to say how right you are. I've had a rough growing up myself, and I'm sure my decisions early on in life with women didn't really put me on the best path to find the right woman for me. Narcissistic women (like you describe) are very hard to understand at first because, in my case, I would find myself asking "did I actually do something wrong? Am I just ignoring my own bad behavior?" but inevitably I would realize the truth, confront her (nicely) and blame was always redirected at me. 

 

It's going to take quite awhile to heal, you're also right about that. I wish I could just acknowledge she was bad for me and quickly move on, but it's much harder than that. 

 

 

39 minutes ago, Highndry said:

You have extremely low standards. Why would you want a girlfriend who hangs out on Tinder and bangs guys the first night? She's only ever a few drinks and an hour or two away from getting pounded by another dude. Yuck.

 

For her age, she's at least an 8 or a 9. Very, very attractive and from the surface she has a well paying job, house, and brand new car. She -seemed- stable. 

 

Listen, I'm not one to talk. I've hooked up with women from dating apps before so I can't point the finger at her and say eww for the same s*** I did. 

 

At the same time, you're right. I wouldn't be surprised if she's already banging/seeing someone, keeping it on the DL until a month or two goes by and then the Facebook pics start. I also wouldn't be surprised if she's curled into an emotional ball and has withdrawn from society given our messy breakup. The first thing I did was sign back up on dating sites when it ended, mostly out of instinct to see if she was moving on that quick but also to maybe find someone else to numb the pain, I quickly realized, almost immediately, I wasn't ready and it was a stupid decision and to take time to heal first before putting myself back out there. 

[d0nnivain]

Walking away was easier said the done.  She can be a good person but still not be a good person for you to spend your life with.  

 

This time of year makes it all feel worse.  However, you need to power through.  

 

You sound like a good guy.  You will live to love again.  Hang in there.  

Edited December 11, 2019 by d0nnivain

[rjc149]

Generally speaking, easy women who are going home with randos from the bars or multi-dating on Tinder are not candidates for girlfriends. Pardon the crassness of the old adage "you can't turn a ho into a housewife." Especially a 36 year old woman.

 

As an absolute, the girl who chooses another man over you, then comes crawling back to you after that relationship ends, is NEVER to be your girlfriend. She is only good as a FWB. Accepting her back as a girlfriend in this circumstance lowers her respect for you and absolves her of guilt or consequence for doing it again when the next Tinder date comes along. It communicates that you don't have standards -- she is on such a high pedestal that you'll keep trying to fix the trust that she broke. It's like you keep buying a spoiled kid new toys when she keeps breaking them. She never experiences the consequences of her actions. 

 

17 hours ago, BRKGBAD said:

She told me that she has a "f***ed up history" and that "she f***s everything up"

 

A woman will often directly tell you who they are. When she does, listen to her. She's set in her ways dude, and it's not your job to fix her. At 36 she may never fully resolve her issues. She's some other poor sucker's problem now. Don't be the sucker again. 

[TeddyPSmith]

wow! this thread is very relatable. I feel for you, OP. I dated a very similar girl. Never felt so strongly about someone in my life but man, what a difficult person she was. The childlike tantrums, just feeling like she was crazy, blaming, projecting, all of it. Not to diagnose from afar but you should check out "borderline personality disorder" and see if that applies to her. 

 

Everyone replying is right, im afraid. You should've run from the beginning. But how do you run from someone you feel so strongly about? Had you not had those intense feelings you'd probably run for the hills. These types of women (or people, I guess) can be so intoxicating...and damaging. They'll have you questioning your own sanity and morals. Hell, its been two years since ive spoken to my ex and I think about her every damn day. 

 

I think the best thing you can do is let time do its healing. Resolve to not get involved with someone like this again. The juice is not worth the squeeze, particularly if you plan on going the distance with them. Think about this; when youre 75 years old and by some grace of God she stuck around, would she actually be there to take care of you in your times of need? Would she be capable of being a mother to your kids? I think she would make the rest of your life miserable. 

 

So it may suck for some time (hopefully for not as long as me) but in the long run, you've dodged an enormous bullet. She needs professional counseling and that is not your job. Wish you the best man and feel free to PM me if you want to chat. Ive had a long time to mull over my previous relationship. 

[BRKGBAD]

16 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Generally speaking, easy women who are going home with randos from the bars or multi-dating on Tinder are not candidates for girlfriends. Pardon the crassness of the old adage "you can't turn a ho into a housewife." Especially a 36 year old woman.

 

As an absolute, the girl who chooses another man over you, then comes crawling back to you after that relationship ends, is NEVER to be your girlfriend. She is only good as a FWB. Accepting her back as a girlfriend in this circumstance lowers her respect for you and absolves her of guilt or consequence for doing it again when the next Tinder date comes along. It communicates that you don't have standards -- she is on such a high pedestal that you'll keep trying to fix the trust that she broke. It's like you keep buying a spoiled kid new toys when she keeps breaking them. She never experiences the consequences of her actions. 

 

 

A woman will often directly tell you who they are. When she does, listen to her. She's set in her ways dude, and it's not your job to fix her. At 36 she may never fully resolve her issues. She's some other poor sucker's problem now. Don't be the sucker again. 

 

You're right. As the youngins say, I should of hit it and quit it. Or just hit it and kept hitting it, but kept it at that and left the feelings at the door. Easier said than done, hindsight is always 20/20, but this for sure has given me new perspective and I think she came into my life to teach me a lot of important things about relationships, and narcissists. 

 

52 minutes ago, TeddyPSmith said:

wow! this thread is very relatable. I feel for you, OP. I dated a very similar girl. Never felt so strongly about someone in my life but man, what a difficult person she was. The childlike tantrums, just feeling like she was crazy, blaming, projecting, all of it. Not to diagnose from afar but you should check out "borderline personality disorder" and see if that applies to her. 

 

Everyone replying is right, im afraid. You should've run from the beginning. But how do you run from someone you feel so strongly about? Had you not had those intense feelings you'd probably run for the hills. These types of women (or people, I guess) can be so intoxicating...and damaging. They'll have you questioning your own sanity and morals. Hell, its been two years since ive spoken to my ex and I think about her every damn day. 

 

I think the best thing you can do is let time do its healing. Resolve to not get involved with someone like this again. The juice is not worth the squeeze, particularly if you plan on going the distance with them. Think about this; when youre 75 years old and by some grace of God she stuck around, would she actually be there to take care of you in your times of need? Would she be capable of being a mother to your kids? I think she would make the rest of your life miserable. 

 

So it may suck for some time (hopefully for not as long as me) but in the long run, you've dodged an enormous bullet. She needs professional counseling and that is not your job. Wish you the best man and feel free to PM me if you want to chat. Ive had a long time to mull over my previous relationship. 

 

Thanks for the support man, I may have to hit you up in PMs. It was extremely intoxicating for sure and I think I let my emotions (and my sexual desire) take control rather than thinking it through to protect my heart. 

 

I firmly now believe that she suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or BPD. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if within that was some form of bipolar disorder too. Could be one hell of a mix of illnesses going on there. I know she was on anti-depressants. 

 

It's shocking how NPD pretty much described this girl to a T.  NPD is a spectrum and while I don't think she's a violent absolutely bats*** insane narcissist, I think she definitely falls on the spectrum and it ties back to her own childhood trauma, previous relationship trauma and her inability to cope with it. She's emotionally unavailable and as others have said "monkey bars" from one relationship to the next seeking that narcissistic supply they so desperately crave. 

 

s*** started going sour whenever I would confront her about her behavior towards me. If I ignored it, it let her wield power over me and the moment I began questioning her motives, behavior, comments, or even if I would probe deep about her past or hell even try to talk about sex (she was not shy at all in bed but refused to talk about it outside of the act itself) she would shut down or deflect. 

 

Many psychologists say that doing this (questioning a narcissist) actually inflicts narcissistic injury, which "exposes" the narcissist for who they really are, a manipulator. Their false self gets exposed and the cycle of Glorifying>Belittling>Abanonding fast forwards to the abandoning phase, where they begin to usually "groom" a replacement, and once they feel they've got the "new guy" right where they want them, they abandon the relationship and destroy their partner because they were no longer a good source of narcissistic supply. 

 

I've already bet my family that within a month or two she'll be back into another relationship. Lots of these videos online say don't be surprised if this person intentionally tries to inflict harm by publicly posting pictures of them with the "new guy", smiling, kissing, etc. This is not real, they're their next "narc victim" and it's one big sharade and many times it's done to inflict hurt on their previous partner. 

 

Part of me can't even believe I made it to 32 and had no real clue what a narcissist really is. 

 

 

"People don't get how disordered a narcissist is; how badly the narcissist messes with your head. We won't listen when you tell us to just "move on", or "get over it". This is deeper than your normal end of relationship process because this wasn't a normal relationship. It was a hit and run. These people murder a part of your soul, leave the scene of the crime and blame you for it."

Edited December 12, 2019 by BRKGBAD

[r321148]

There is little you can do. I may be a little more sympathetic to your ex than some, as she sounds a little like me in some ways. I've also slept around a lot, discarded people, belittled them, put them down, criticised, manipulated and lied.....and the reason for all that, as I am now realising, is that I am deeply insecure and my self-esteem is on the floor.

 

The good thing, I guess, is that I am now starting to own it. I'm talking to the right therapist, working on the self-esteem issues, working through the need to have control and recognising my previous errors in the hope I won't repeat them. I want to work through this and have a healthy and loving relationship in the future.....she needs to do the same and there is absolutely nothing you can do to make her. SHE has to realise it. SHE has to want it (REALLY want it) and SHE has to put the work in (a lot of work).

 

Now is not the right time for her and any attempts to rekindle will be eat, sleep, rinse, repeat for your relationship. Unless that's what you want, then leave it well alone. In the future (and this may be a long way off) IF she gets the right help and genuinely changes (as I want to) then proceed with caution....Saying that, I would not go back to my ex even once I am (as) healed (as I can be) as I hurt a lovely, sweet girl and I don't trust myself.

 

Best of luck

[rjc149]

5 hours ago, BRKGBAD said:

You're right. As the youngins say, I should of hit it and quit it. Or just hit it and kept hitting it, but kept it at that and left the feelings at the door. Easier said than done, hindsight is always 20/20, but this for sure has given me new perspective and I think she came into my life to teach me a lot of important things about relationships, and narcissists. 

 

As a guy I get where you're coming from. She's hot, the sex was great, and that's what you're hung up on. Not her as a person, not the relationship, both of which were obviously f--ked up. You put up with the difficult relationship and her glaring red flags because you were highly attracted to her physically. 

 

I guarantee that if you met someone equally or more attractive than her, she'd be yesterday's news. You just haven't done that yet. The only reason people remain hung up on their ex's is because they haven't met someone equal or better, and thus believe that they can't do better. 

 

[schlumpy]

I think she interests you because you never know what she's going to do. She's daring. She pulled you in for a kiss and took back to her apartment. I think you found that exciting. She's dangerous. It's like looking into a dark room with a vague shadow and wondering who is there. I think that's what you miss. Add to that your tendency to be a "White Knight" charging forward to save the damsel in distress.

 

The only way to save yourself is NC. If you can, I recommend that you leave the area for at least a year. I can't see you being successful with another women until she's much further back in the rearview mirror.

 

Rough days ahead. 

[BRKGBAD]

I've been inundating myself with videos about narcissists, how they operate, why they behave the way they do, and how their behavior affects relationships. 

 

It's shocking how dead on these psychologists are when they describe it because it's like hearing someone describe my relationship with this girl while having no idea who she was. 

 

In the end I need to work towards accepting that I truly loved her, cared for her, and wanted to be with her for the long haul. It would've been a terrible relationship with her behavior and never would last simply because to her, it's all surface. I was an object to be used for her to suck narcissistic supply from and when I started to "expose" her, she cut and ran literally an hour after she told me she loved me. 

 

I think it's going to be tough, but ironically, I haven't cried for a couple days now, mostly because before I was devastated and wanted to find a way to make it work, and I thought she felt the same way, but now that I know I was simply a means to an end (narc supply) and she's already moved on, why should I wallow in sorrow and what ifs? 

 

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. It's nice to see people outside the situation validate that what this chick did was wrong, childish, crazy, etc. She hurt me in a way that she can never repair, I've made sure to block her everywhere, even her friends. 

 

It's just sad. Sad that such a smart, pretty woman decides to degrade herself with her behavior and ruins her relationships because of her inability to feel empathy or compassion, hell, even real love. The rest of her life will most likely be failed relationship after failed relationship. 

[TeddyPSmith]

It sounds like youre in a good mental state for this. That should make it quite a bit easier. One of the most damaging things about these types of people is that you go into the relationship not really knowing that another person can be so crazy, manipulative, demeaning, etc. You are just naive to it and then when it starts to come out of them, you try to be logical and rationalize things. This just isn't possible to rationalize though. So you might begin to blame and question yourself and lower your own moral standards in attempts to make it go away. You think you can change them or get them to realize what they're doing and when they dont, you start to think that maybe its something youre doing wrong.

 

Reading your posts is validating to me. Ive never felt so messed up over a relationship. My ex was so beautiful and the sex was out of this world. She was everything I ever wanted in someone. The only girl that I really actively wanted to marry. Unfortunately she was also a lot of things that I never wanted in someone. 

[BRKGBAD]

19 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I think she interests you because you never know what she's going to do. She's daring. She pulled you in for a kiss and took back to her apartment. I think you found that exciting. She's dangerous. It's like looking into a dark room with a vague shadow and wondering who is there. I think that's what you miss. Add to that your tendency to be a "White Knight" charging forward to save the damsel in distress.

 

The only way to save yourself is NC. If you can, I recommend that you leave the area for at least a year. I can't see you being successful with another women until she's much further back in the rearview mirror.

 

Rough days ahead. 

 

Unfortunately my job and family keep my feet planted right where I'm at, even then I don't have the financial freedom to up and leave a house because of an emotionally unstable ex girlfriend, but I do understand what you are saying in regards to getting over her and moving on. You're also right about her being "mysterious" in a way, sadly what I thought was mysterious ended up being a major personality disorder. 

 

 

9 hours ago, TeddyPSmith said:

It sounds like youre in a good mental state for this. That should make it quite a bit easier. One of the most damaging things about these types of people is that you go into the relationship not really knowing that another person can be so crazy, manipulative, demeaning, etc. You are just naive to it and then when it starts to come out of them, you try to be logical and rationalize things. This just isn't possible to rationalize though. So you might begin to blame and question yourself and lower your own moral standards in attempts to make it go away. You think you can change them or get them to realize what they're doing and when they dont, you start to think that maybe its something youre doing wrong.

 

Reading your posts is validating to me. Ive never felt so messed up over a relationship. My ex was so beautiful and the sex was out of this world. She was everything I ever wanted in someone. The only girl that I really actively wanted to marry. Unfortunately she was also a lot of things that I never wanted in someone. 

 

I'm glad my post helped you validate your own history! 

 

From what I've learned, you can technically make a relationship work with a true narcissist however it takes A LOT of work - you end up having to "teach" them empathy, something that should have been taught by the parents throughout childhood. Many times it doesn't work or they "snap back" to old habits. You end up having to, what many psychologists say, "manage expectations" because you can almost never expect them to be really and truly supportive, or to be interested in YOUR life rather than theirs, etc. Seems to me like a terrible way to go through life when you can stay single or find someone who will support, love and do for you just as you do for them. 

 

Sucks because there are a few things I LOVE in a woman, looks wise, and she has those. Hell even her personality at first was killer, and funny, but that's just it, narcissists have these traits that's why they're able to so easily lure in prey.