JustKaska Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 A male coworker of mine seemed to like me at first because he always wanted to walk with me to meetings, he would jokingly ask me for my number, and we would talk/laugh/casually flirt. Nothing ever happened. I enjoyed the attention and maybe liked him a little, but I'm there to work and he isn't single. I don’t know if coworker has a reputation for hitting on women or they think poorly of me, but the manager of another department started giving him a hard time about hanging around me. (I overheard him them talking one day.) Whatever happened, he is acting different. He won't walk with me anywhere now. If we do have to go anywhere together, he'll walk ahead of me. We had a meeting and he left ahead of me. If the manager is around, coworker does not look or speak to me. The thing is though is that my coworker is being very obnoxious and almost hostile about it. He cuts me down in meetings, blames me for things that are not my fault, flirts openly with younger interns in front of me to make me jealous, and says horrible things. I don’t know what I did, but I don’t deserve this. I see other women my age talking with male colleagues and think, how do they do it? What's the secret? (Seriously- I want to know!) Coworker and I have to occasionally work together- do I just deal with this awkwardness? Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do? Any advice is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 (edited) Well if he is being obnoxious, hostile, and cutting you down in meetings this needs to be addressed if it's affecting your career. However his flirting with younger women is not your business nor should it bother you because you already know he is taken. Edited December 11, 2019 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 It seems pretty obvious. He was attracted to you, he made that known, you did not stop him, and then his manager told him to knock it off. Now he feels the need to be hostile to demonstrate to others watching that he was never interested in you. If you are an agreeable person, you will deal with it. If you are a disagreeable person, you will pull him aside and say, "John, I you were into me and now you're not...great, you're not single anyway, so this is probably better. But cut out this bulls*** about treating me like crap and start treating me like a co-worker or we'll have problems that go beyond your bruised ego." In case you don't know, agreeable and disagreeable are two personality types that we all have a default for. But in your case, I highly recommend that you at least pretend to be disagreeable and have that short, clear conversation with him. It is better for you and, ironically, better for him too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 Moral of the story: don't flirt with co-workers, especially ones that are taken. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 It's also possible if the manager had a word with him he believed you had complained about him! Are you sure you overheard correctly, just in case? I'd say this is why he's acting hostile as it's very strange (if it did occur) the manager would have done this otherwise. Of course the only way to know for sure is to ask him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustKaska Posted December 14, 2019 Author Share Posted December 14, 2019 On 12/11/2019 at 8:31 AM, lurker74 said: It seems pretty obvious. He was attracted to you, he made that known, you did not stop him, and then his manager told him to knock it off. Now he feels the need to be hostile to demonstrate to others watching that he was never interested in you. If you are an agreeable person, you will deal with it. If you are a disagreeable person, you will pull him aside and say, "John, I you were into me and now you're not...great, you're not single anyway, so this is probably better. But cut out this bulls*** about treating me like crap and start treating me like a co-worker or we'll have problems that go beyond your bruised ego." In case you don't know, agreeable and disagreeable are two personality types that we all have a default for. But in your case, I highly recommend that you at least pretend to be disagreeable and have that short, clear conversation with him. It is better for you and, ironically, better for him too. I don't get it because he flirts and talks with other women. Why is that okay? Why is he not allowed to talk to me, but can talk to them? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 None of it's okay and you never should have let it go on. you should have told him you're not comfortable with the flirting and to keep it professional. This is an age-old problem. Guy at work flirts with a woman and doesn't get anywhere so then turns on her. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 Ya it's possible he thought you complained about it. But it's more likely he was reprimanded for his conduct (again) and is taking it out on you. Guys like that have narcissistic traits, and get very upset when someone poops on their parade. The way he treats you now is something that needs to be addressed with your boss or HR. No one deserves to work in a hostile enviroment. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 12 hours ago, JustKaska said: I don't get it because he flirts and talks with other women. Why is that okay? Why is he not allowed to talk to me, but can talk to them? Unless it's affecting your work it shouldn't matter. He is married and you could never have him anyway. Find a single man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustKaska Posted December 14, 2019 Author Share Posted December 14, 2019 4 hours ago, stillafool said: Unless it's affecting your work it shouldn't matter. He is married and you could never have him anyway. Find a single man. I'm wondering why he got in trouble when we talked, yet doesn't get in trouble with the other women. He has to check my work and sign off on it, work on projects together, attend meetings, ec. so we have to communicate and work together. Him acting hostile isn't helping. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 (edited) Are you saying he checks your work and doesn't utter a word to you? If so, you need to address this by asking "Is everything okay with us because you haven't given me feedback regarding my work?' If he is checking your work and acting professional that is all that is required of him, not to be your friend. As far as him talking to other women and not getting in trouble about it that is something between him and his boss. The boss would have the answer to that question, not him. On 12/11/2019 at 10:04 AM, Saracena said: It's also possible if the manager had a word with him he believed you had complained about him! Are you sure you overheard correctly, just in case? I'd say this is why he's acting hostile as it's very strange (if it did occur) the manager would have done this otherwise. Of course the only way to know for sure is to ask him! The manager probably told him to knock it off so he doesn't get in trouble. A man would be nuts to mess with female co-workers if he wants to keep his job in today's environment. Besides, don't people have work to do? Edited December 14, 2019 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Butterflying Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) He could be gas lighting you. It's a tactic abusive men use to make a woman feel inadequate. Then it will be easier to take advantage of her. At least you know there was a conversation between him and the manager that could "likely" be the reason for his change in behavior. But it doesn't make sense that he would be hostile towards you while still flirting with other women. Maybe he sees you as more of a threat than other women. Since you're here asking for advice on the issue, his change in behavior matters to you. Perhaps you like him more than you care to admit. That would be obvious to anyone observing your interaction with him. Some men get scared when they realize their flirting is being misinterpreted and taken seriously. Treating you hostile will make you dislike him, thereby protecting his "marriage" or whatever relationship he's in. It happens to me all the time. I have never mastered the art of flirting. Probably because I only flirt with men I actually like. This always leads to me getting my heart broken. The few times I flirted with a guy I didn't like, just to be nice, I ended up having unwanted advancements and harassment. If anyone knows the secret of flirting and maintaining a friendship, I would like to have it too! LOL Edited January 7, 2020 by Butterflying Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Maybe the manager suggested to him that he was harassing you. Your coworker may think you have complained or something. That’s the only reason I can think of as to his behaviour would suddenly change like that. Regardless, if he is married you would be best to steer clear. It sounds like you were both getting rather interested in each other. Whatever was happening, it was noticeable to the manager, though why he intervened I don’t know. Link to post Share on other sites
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